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devastated and confused

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  • devastated and confused

    My wife and I have been married now for 6 years. I have always tried to be the typical "good guy" in all areas of my life. We had a couple of her friends stay with us for a while till they could get back on their feet, everything was fine. We took in another one of her friends last year, she told me up front that she had a small crush on this guy back in high school (she is in her 30's now). We discussed it and she assured me that those feelings were gone and that I had nothing to worry about. We hit a low point when our finances were bad and stress was high, thats when I started seeing her friend making passes at her. I didnt say anything, thinking that I was just getting jealous for no reason. Her friend moved out and moved back home. After Christmas she told me that she was leaving me, I was in shock and felt like I was in some kind of terrible dream. She said that she was falling in love with the latest friend that was staying with us. It was a couple of months later that she started seeing the true colors of her new found love, and she came back to me asking me to take her back. I love her soo much, and cant imagine my life without her, but I dont know how to continue now. I want to try and work on our marriage, but I dont completely trust her anymore, and the worst thing for me is I feel very insecure and inadequate now. Any advice or suggestions would help me.

  • #2
    Re: devastated and confused

    I truly sorry for the pain you've been going through and hope this is helpful.

    Adolescence is a time of heightened emotions, vivid imagination, and intense longings. In addition, it is a time of relatively carefree and unrestrained living. To most adolescents the world is full of promise and opportunity. Though there are certainly aspects of our teen years we would never like to revisit, many people would love to return to that carefree era when they felt so "alive".

    By association, relationships from that stage of life can have a beautiful aura that enhances the positive memories and softens the rough edges. In other words, the emotions connected to that old boyfriend or "crush" are intensified and glamorized because they are indistinguishable from the other positive emotions of that season of life.

    The presence of your wife's old crush rekindled the positive emotions, unfulfilled fantasies, and promising dreams of her high school years. Contrasted with the stresses of adult life and your recent financial struggles, the desire to go back to the "good old days" hijacked her good sense.

    She couldn't see his obvious character flaws and really thought that by connecting herself to him, she could recapture the promise of the past. Now, having experienced who he really is in the here and now, she's realized her mistake.

    While this may give you an understanding of what happened, the devastation is still very real. And no matter the cause betrayal is betrayal.

    Rebuilding a trusting relationship is extremely difficult and really not a do-it-yourself project. Research and reading will help, but having professional guidance will greatly increase your chances of success. Because it can be expensive, very painful and take years, you've got to determine if both you and your wife are truly committed to each other. Without the outside motivating factors of children, religious faith, etc., getting through the process at times will seem too much to bear for the benefits.

    You are still in a very emotionally unstable state. Therefore, some individual counseling might be helpful before you even start the reconciliation process. And once started, there is no guarantee it will succeed.

    The plus side is that if you were to be successful, the two of you could have the most amazing, honest, and intimate relationship imaginable. And rather than being just another divorce statistic, you could be a relationship hero to your wife and (future) children.
    Last edited by Pollon; August 19th, 2014, 02:08 PM.

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    • #3
      Re: devastated and confused

      So did you have children with her?
      Why not tell her that since she left that created a boundary you're not ready to let her cross again. She fell for another guy. Now that it didn't work out she wants to come running back to her safety net.

      Without a condition or something that would show by her actions not words that she's commited I would keep some kind of boundary in place. Can't she get a place of her own that you can date and see how it goes before you just welcome her back with open arms?

      You see if you do allow her back that sends a message that she can get away with all kinds of boundary crossing behaviors because you will always take her back.

      I'm not saying don't get back together....
      What I am saying is if I were in your shoes I would make her work for it now.
      There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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      • #4
        Re: devastated and confused

        thank you for replying. We have had several talking sessions where we are supposed to lay everything out on the table about what we are feeling. It has helped, but I still insecure and feel like if she finds another interesting man, she is going to leave again. I also keep thinking that this is somehow my fault.

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        • #5
          Re: devastated and confused

          we have no children. Both of us have been married and divorced. I am 13 years older than her. The only conditions I have made so far is that she will have to give me time and she has to cut any and all ties to her "friend"

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          • #6
            Re: devastated and confused

            Jasons, I really feel for you. Trust is one of the hardest things to mend in any relationship, and especially in those of a romantic nature.

            I do believe that everyone deserves the chance to make amends for their mistakes, but until/unless you can both move through and past this betrayal it will be hard to make things work.

            Just as you may always retain a niggling doubt about her fidelity, she could also be burdened with the need to prove herself, which means she will be acting fake at those points.

            Be kind to yourself and take some time to let things settle.

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