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Who likes to decode text messages from an EX?

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  • Who likes to decode text messages from an EX?

    Separated for about 6 weeks. Married for about 18 months as of today. She keeps messaging every other day. She is in Canada. I am in the States now. 3000 miles between us so text and email is it except that she has requested several phones calls. I have requested none. I'll be brief here and perhaps answer any questions that might need answering first but here's today's message. I get the good memories part but the "known" but. I get the sense there's quite a bit she is not saying there but I'm not doing the mental gymnastics on that until I think it's worth it. Ladies... what is she saying here? Do you need to see prior messages for context? "I have to be real and say despite everything negative hat has happened between us, there are days when I miss the good ..being known. Today is one of those days."

  • #2
    Why have you separated? You've been married a very short time.

    In the meantime the message may mean that she understands that you have had good memories together but the known bad things are the things that broke the camel's back?

    Impossible to know without more background (not just more messages).
    Last edited by phasesofthemoon; August 11th, 2018, 04:45 PM.
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      We had both internal and external complexities which made what is usually a tough first year even harder. I was immigrating to Canada. Due to that, I wasn't able to see my son for 8 months. We each had custody issues with out exes. Somewhere in all of that she decided that she had a now or never opportunity to be a surrogate mother... I was not onboard with that. She has 4 kids, 6, 8, 10, 12... lots of activities but we thought we were handling all of that. I could not work in Canada but was working remotely (mortgage broker) as best I could without actually being in my home state of WA which is where I am licensed to do business. We've been together for over 3 years. There was another breakup before we married that came due to her having to leave the US (where we had met and lived together for a year before she had to move back to CAN). That breakup was due to a similar set of internal and external pressures but they were a little different.... but still heavy. We were brave... maybe too brave in making the decision to marry and for me to immigrate to Canada. As to the known bad things... I have context on that which I should have offered. She has stated and, in fact, we have both said it many times, that out relationship was one in which we both felt know to a degree that really stepped well outside the matrix that most relationships live and die within. What she means by known here is that she misses being known.... but she IS "known"... no matter where I might be and regardless of whether she feels lonely or misses us. So, with that, I am kerfuffled as to what she is really saying here. My dumb-guy alter ego that wants her back says she means, "I think I made a mistake in ending it and I think I might want us back, I just don't know right now."

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      • #4
        What a difficult relationship. It's no wonder you're having trouble within it.

        First thing you should do is ask her WTF she means. Then you can proceed accordingly. I think one of your many issues as a couple is that you don't communicate with one another. Most people that didn't understand something that was said, first thing they do is ask "what does that mean?" or "what do you mean?"

        Frankly, I don't see you being able to sustain such a difficult situation and perhaps instead of hoping that she means she wants to be with you, you take things at face value and throw in the towel????

        Did she go through with the surrogacy?

        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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        • #5
          No, she backpeddled on the surrogacy. Our communication was not as strangled as you might imagine. Since she announced she wanted a divorce on June 21, she added that I should not contact her. She has sinces asked that I not remind her of good memories or seek to reconcile. She cannot file for a while under Quebec law. Prior to that, we spoke with each other a great deal about a lot of things. Thus her reference to "being known" and "missing the good".... there was a lot of it. I do mean a lot. I have complied with her request to NOT do exactly what SHe is now doing.... reminders of our past, missing you and thinking of you messages. I get them all the time.... at least every other day if not every day. So while we had some challenges, we were aware beforehand and talked through a lot. It was internals that broke us. Fear... her threshhold for pain is low. MS stresses her out and parts of her body begin to not work as they should.... and THAT elevates the fear even more. Self protection kicks in and she puts up walls. To me, those walls looked and felt like distrust, disrespect and NOT choosing me. That's what got us to the day of nukes. It is my opinion that the depth of connection we shared was well outside the matrix that most people will never even guess exists. I think she is beginning to realize that but is still afraid. I think (again, I am looking for any well-reasoned observations that apply here) that her heart and her mind are duking it out and the heart is getting the upper hand at the moment.

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          • #6
            . It is my opinion that the depth of connection we shared was well outside the matrix that most people will never even guess exists.
            I think that it's irresponsible of you to think that your connection to her is beyond what "most" people will experience. One would think that if it was so exceptional, then you would still be together regardless of her medical issues or anything else that is problematic in your relationship. People that are "connected" in the real sense tend to work through issues and don't run from someone that they are so awesomely connected to.

            If she is doing things that she has precisely asked you not to do then you should call her out on it and ask her to explain herself. Tell her, if she doesn't already know that you want her as your wife but if she doesn't want that, then she needs to give you the space you need to get over her. Keeping in contact without any attempts to actually reconcile isn't healthy for either of you. Giving your relationship lip service isn't healthy for either of you.
            Last edited by phasesofthemoon; August 11th, 2018, 06:36 PM.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

            Comment


            • #7
              "People that are "connected" in the real sense tend to work through issues and don't run from someone that they are so awesomely connected to."

              You might be making my point unwittingly.

              Perhaps that is what she is doing in her own way... getting to a point where her dignity doesn't have to take a sledge hammering for her to say, "This is worth too much to me to let go. Can we try again?"

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Colorful Thursday View Post
                "People that are "connected" in the real sense tend to work through issues and don't run from someone that they are so awesomely connected to."

                You might be making my point unwittingly.

                Perhaps that is what she is doing in her own way... getting to a point where her dignity doesn't have to take a sledge hammering for her to say, "This is worth too much to me to let go. Can we try again?"
                Ego shouldn't play a part in wanting to be with someone. If someone's ego is so over-bearing that they won't let it go and just ask for what they want then there never really was true love there (IMO) but rather just infatuation and lust.

                Tell her that her lamenting is confusing you and giving you hope to reconcile and is that her intention... let her ego off the hook if you're thinking her "dignity" won't allow her to be vulnerable to you.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Does she not sound bizarre to you? It seems like she was scamming you from the start with her hairbrained ideas and she's looking for a quick way to make cash. When push came to shove she flaked from her money making scheme in Canada. Now she's still scamming you across the border and sending you hearts and love notes via your cellphone.

                  You said her previous break up was due to a similar set of external and internal factors. Are you not seeing a pattern here?

                  This has nothing to do with any kind of matrix... it has everything to do with being real and facing reality. I think you're living in the clouds. Tell her to respectfully stop contacting you with the love notes as it's inappropriate and you, please remove your head from that hole in the ground and stop wondering or over-analyzing every one of her ridiculous text messages. You both are in the process of getting divorced.

                  Get out of this head space with her. It's dragging you down and you're growing to have a very warped sense of reality. You shouldn't have to live your life like this.

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