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  • Boyfriend doesnít care about his health

    I am in a 2 year relationship with a wonderful guy but I am extremely concerned about his health. He works in hospitality so he often gets home close to midnight. Despite this, he will get up to go to the gym after only 5-6 hours of sleep, 7 on a good day. Sometimes heíll be falling asleep the whole day because he got up so early. He barely eats and when he does itís only 1 or 2 meals a day. Sometimes he eats 3 but itís mainly when I go over to his house. My biggest concern is his smoking. He smokes cigarettes only when heís out with friends (1-2 times a week) but when he does he smokes a few not just 1 or 2. This REALLY worries me because I know how bad smoking is for your health and all the health issues that can occur over time because of it wether itís 1 cigarette or 10, not to mention the secondhand smoke heís exposed to every week. I want to have a serious conversation with him about it but I donít want to come across as smothering or controlling. But when we started dating I clearly stated not only did I find smoking unattractive, but it was a deal breaker. He 100% agreed with me on this but then started smoking a few months in anyway. I just feel like I shouldnít care more about his health than he does and I donít understand why he would want to do something that could one day kill him. Any advice on how to approach the situation is greatly appreciated.

  • #2
    You are not his mother.
    If you can't keep yourself from meddling with his eating and sleeping habits, get yourself a puppy instead of a boyfriend. You say you don't want to come across as controling, but you are. You're controling to the point where a sane man would run far away from you.
    Worry about your won health and live the life you want to lead. Don't force your standards on others, especially not partners. You can't make those decisions for them. What's important to you may not be important to him, and it's up to you to respect that.

    Now, if his habits are such a problem for you, instead of trying to change him, get another boyfriend. One that lives like you and has the same values as you. Don't force him to change for you, because he won't.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

    Comment


    • #3
      I've just decided to look at the previous posts you've made.

      June 10th - post about your boyfriends friend who wants him to be single and keeps interfering in your relationship.
      August 4th - post about your boyfriend getting drunk and flirting with someone else at a bar
      October 1st - post about your boyfriend going out too much to your taste
      October 2nd - post about your boyfriend playing too many videogames with his brother
      October 9th - post about your boyfriends bad eating/sleeping habits

      So in less than 4 months this relationship, which you keep claiming to be perfect, has shown one crack after another. How perfectly happy can you be with this "wonderful man" when it seems that your relationship is riddled with problems.
      Basically the core of the issues in my opinion is that:
      - He's not ready for a serious relationship
      - You are pushing him into a level of commitment he doesn't want.

      Look, you can't force your boyfriend to grow up.
      What exactly is it that you love about him? Because all I've seen so far is that you keep tryiing to change him into someone he's not. So either accept him as he is, or don't and then end the relationship to find someone more suited for you.
      You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Ayla View Post
        I've just decided to look at the previous posts you've made....

        So in less than 4 months this relationship, which you keep claiming to be perfect, has shown one crack after another....

        Look, you can't force your boyfriend to grow up.... all I've seen so far is that you keep trying to change him into someone he's not. So either accept him as he is, or don't and then end the relationship to find someone more suited for you.
        This ^
        Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Sg1643 View Post
          I am in a 2 year relationship with a wonderful guy but I am extremely concerned about his health. He works in hospitality so he often gets home close to midnight. Despite this, he will get up to go to the gym after only 5-6 hours of sleep, 7 on a good day. Sometimes heíll be falling asleep the whole day because he got up so early. He barely eats and when he does itís only 1 or 2 meals a day. Sometimes he eats 3 but itís mainly when I go over to his house. My biggest concern is his smoking. He smokes cigarettes only when heís out with friends (1-2 times a week) but when he does he smokes a few not just 1 or 2. This REALLY worries me because I know how bad smoking is for your health and all the health issues that can occur over time because of it wether itís 1 cigarette or 10, not to mention the secondhand smoke heís exposed to every week. I want to have a serious conversation with him about it but I donít want to come across as smothering or controlling. But when we started dating I clearly stated not only did I find smoking unattractive, but it was a deal breaker. He 100% agreed with me on this but then started smoking a few months in anyway. I just feel like I shouldnít care more about his health than he does and I donít understand why he would want to do something that could one day kill him. Any advice on how to approach the situation is greatly appreciated.
          I'm commenting here because I was in your similar position so I understand the stages you're going through coming to terms with the nicotine addiction. Smoking was always a dealbreaker for me and my ex lied about it too constantly which was actually worse than the smoking. I'm very aware smoking is not a big deal to many people and there are greater vices but it was adding insult to injury with the lies. Look, you can't change what kind of person he is or always understand why people do the things they do. The point is if he's causing you heartbreak and making your life miserable, this isn't the man for you. Some jobs are stressful and quitting an addiction when you're surrounded by peers that do the same thing is not easy. My husband used to smoke cigarettes from age 10 as a kid stealing cigarettes and living in the wrong parts of town with a single(absent) mother and quit when he was in his early thirties. He had to do it because he believed in it. My dad smoked too most of his life and my dad's dad before him so that's four people in my life who've smoked like chimneys. I've never smoked a single one. When people smoke, they don't think about dying. They think about how nice it is to smoke and take a drag. You're in a completely different headspace. I'm not making light of your worries about his smoking. I'm asking you to seriously consider that you really actually don't know what it's like to smoke (just like I didn't/and don't). It's very difficult to convince someone of what's good for them. All you can do is lead by example.

          He may not be eating the same as you because he packs heavy protein in his meals or drinking protein drinks around the time he works out. It's normal to be half dead and tired at the end of the day working in hospitality. He probably goes to the gym because he works 12-14 hr shifts and his outlet is going to the gym. My husband walks 20km before his work day because it warms him up (and is into fitness and movement). I already told you in your previous thread my husband also works in hospitality. Get to know each other better before you pass judgment on his eating, work out routine or sleeping habits. As for his smoking habit, this isn't one to take lightly and I think you'll eventually figure it out on your own. If you're really into this, give it a chance. If not cut the guy loose. He doesn't deserve this and neither do you.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Sg1643 View Post
            I am in a 2 year relationship with a wonderful guy but I am extremely concerned about his health. He works in hospitality so he often gets home close to midnight. Despite this, he will get up to go to the gym after only 5-6 hours of sleep, 7 on a good day. Sometimes heíll be falling asleep the whole day because he got up so early. He barely eats and when he does itís only 1 or 2 meals a day. Sometimes he eats 3 but itís mainly when I go over to his house. My biggest concern is his smoking. He smokes cigarettes only when heís out with friends (1-2 times a week) but when he does he smokes a few not just 1 or 2. This REALLY worries me because I know how bad smoking is for your health and all the health issues that can occur over time because of it wether itís 1 cigarette or 10, not to mention the secondhand smoke heís exposed to every week. I want to have a serious conversation with him about it but I donít want to come across as smothering or controlling. But when we started dating I clearly stated not only did I find smoking unattractive, but it was a deal breaker. He 100% agreed with me on this but then started smoking a few months in anyway. I just feel like I shouldnít care more about his health than he does and I donít understand why he would want to do something that could one day kill him. Any advice on how to approach the situation is greatly appreciated.
            I have 2 meals a day (sometimes 1) and donít see anything wrong with that.
            Why do you want him to conform to what others (and you) think is normal?
            I do shift work and so my routine is not always ďnormalĒ . He works in hospitality so Iím guessing shift work too.
            Of course he is going to be tired at times when you arenít (assuming you are not a shift worker)

            Your apparent ďconcernĒ about his smoking habit is clearly not about his health so stop pretending it is.
            YOU said that smoking was a deal breaker 2 years ago. A few months later he was smoking so why didnít you stick to your supposed deal breaker?

            You donít understand why he would want to do something that could one day kill him?
            Are you living in lala land?
            He enjoys it! Are you enjoying your anxiety driven life?

            Are YOU doing your best and all to ensure you donít die ? You do realise you will eventually?! Right?

            Is smoking actually a deal breaker for you like you said it was?
            Then break the deal already!

            Comment


            • #7

              Sg1643 I'll go against the grain here and I understand what you wrote. My father was a smoker yet he was athletic with his love of snow skiing and speed skating. I remember he jump roped in the backyard patio just like boxers do. He would spin his wrists as he jumped professionally.

              Smoking suppresses the appetite. He did not eat much and was chronically underweight and irritable. He was very coordinated yet he was a smoker. Go figure. Smoking changes brain cells and the way you think. (If there's drinking and smoking, it's all the worse.) It's difficult trying to get along with smokers and people who do not share same health habits.

              You either have to accept your boyfriend as he is complete with his unhealthy habits and lifestyle or choose a different boyfriend who is more health conscious. Keep in mind, a healthy man will last longer and you'll get more mileage out of him.

              An unhealthy man will have youth on his side for a while and then just like the rest of us, he will age. As time marches on, smoking (and / or other unhealthful habits), will catch up with him sooner or later. Then you outlive him or you'll end up taking care of a sickly man. This is your future. It's something to give you pause to think about.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                Sg1643 I'll go against the grain here and I understand what you wrote. My father was a smoker yet he was athletic with his love of snow skiing and speed skating. I remember he jump roped in the backyard patio just like boxers do. He would spin his wrists as he jumped professionally.

                Smoking suppresses the appetite. He did not eat much and was chronically underweight and irritable. He was very coordinated yet he was a smoker. Go figure. Smoking changes brain cells and the way you think. (If there's drinking and smoking, it's all the worse.) It's difficult trying to get along with smokers and people who do not share same health habits.

                You either have to accept your boyfriend as he is complete with his unhealthy habits and lifestyle or choose a different boyfriend who is more health conscious. Keep in mind, a healthy man will last longer and you'll get more mileage out of him.

                An unhealthy man will have youth on his side for a while and then just like the rest of us, he will age. As time marches on, smoking (and / or other unhealthful habits), will catch up with him sooner or later. Then you outlive him or you'll end up taking care of a sickly man. This is your future. It's something to give you pause to think about.
                ďSmoking changes brain cells and the way you thinkĒ
                That makes me laugh!
                So does sugar, caffeine, alcohol, exercise etc

                ĒA healthy man will live longerĒ also made me laugh.
                Tell that to my aunt who never drank alcohol , coffee, never smoked but exercised yet died of cancer 10 years ago and then tell her older sister who did drink and still does drink alcohol , smoked most of her life , drinks coffee and never exercises and still alive and kicking.

                But all of that is beside the point!
                The op stated ďclearlyĒ as she said that smoking is a deal breaker ( probably over a coffee) and yet she has accepted his very occasional smoking for 2 years and all of a sudden itís a deal breaker?

                Well she can have rules and stick to them. But she didnít. So she can have either accept him as is or not.

                I wonder what her bad habits are?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Maggiemay4791 My father was a smoker and they're an irritable lot. Nicotine is in the blood stream and it's a highly addictive drug. Smokers have to smoke otherwise, they're agitated and grouchy. He was difficult to live with. I hate to say it but it was a relief when he died. My family and I didn't have to deal with his smoky mood swings. Then you combine that with drinking and for us, it was better to wish that my father was shipped off somewhere. Again, good riddance when he died.

                  As for partners, significant others, spouses, etc. or who smoke / drink / do drugs or whatever, if you want to partner with them by all means. Life is just easier and less complicated when you're with a health conscious person. I can't imagine being married to a smoker and a drinker. I've already lived through that and no one has to tell me twice. Been there done that.

                  My husband is just like me. We're teetotalers, workout together, eat the same healthy food, don't smoke, don't do drugs and it really helps to be able to relate and have our good health in common.

                  Anyone who smokes, drinks, does drugs or whatever is free to do as they please and it's even better to have a partner who does the same because they have that in common.

                  Usually we can relate to others better when we have a lot in common whether it's religion, health habits, likes / dislikes, tastes, character / personality and what have you. When you mix polar opposites together, many times it simply does not work out because sooner or later there will be compatibility issues which run the gamut.
                  "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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