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  • STD...new relationship just told me he has one.

    All advice is greatly appreciated...

    After three amazing dates with a guy I just recently met, he disclosed to me he has an STD. So far we have only kissed. He said there's an excellent chance I will get it too. He's had it for over 35 years and he gets an outbreak on average once a year. I VERY MUCH appreciate his honesty and it shows ALOT about him. I decided that I would like to continue to get to know him but I feel like I should not have sex with him until I feel certain this relationship has potential to last. And while I dread the thought of contracting an STD, (I'm 55 and I've been extremely lucky with not contracting one thus far) it's also foolish to think I could go the rest of my life without contracting one. When I asked him about using a condom he said he does not and won't. I understand to a degree bc I'm from the same generation that just doesn't use them. He said it can also be contracted through oral sex so it's inevitable that I will get it.

    Is it selfish of him to refuse to use a condom? Personally I think so but I feel somewhat hypocritical at the same time bc I've never asked a partner to use a condom. He's looking at like, well there's a great chance you will contract it just from oral sex so what would be the sense of using a condom.

    Is it too unrealistic to expect to refrain from sexual relations until I feel this relationship has potential for longevity? The problem with that is there's no way to know if he's going to be last partner in life. Of course I'd like to think so but with only 3 dates in, we've got a long, long way to go.

    Lastly, I don't feel he should pressure me until I'm ready. He isn't at all but we've only had 3 dates... If he does expect sex after a certain point, shouldn't that be my red flag?

  • #2
    It's good that he told you about it in advance; however, if he refuses to use a condom, you certainly have to decide whether or not the risk is worth it. He CAN take some herpes repression drugs that eliminate over 90% of the outbreaks.

    You're right about not rushing into things after 3 dates. If he expects sex when you're still getting to know him and considering him as a life partner, that is a red flag, especially since he won't do anything to make sure you don't contract the STD.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      this is always a concern with a new sex partnership. i also don't like a guy to use a condom as the feeling is not as enjoyable. you are in control as to when and if you have sex with him. it would seem to me you would not want to have sex with someone you know has STD. But That is Your Choice. He should at least follow Sarah suggestion on taking repression drugs. If he refuses to do so that would definitely be a red flag to me although i would never stay with anyone i knew had STD.

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      • #4
        I personally would cut ties if it were me. I assume he's talking about the herpes virus? This is a lifelong incurable STD that can cause very painful outbreaks and possibly lead to other health issues. I think at 55 you have been very sensible with your sexual health and I wouldn't jeopardise that for a man you have only been on 3dates with. If the relationship were to end you wouldn't just be left with a broken heart and would have to carry this burden into all future relationships.. He could meet someone who already has the virus and therefore won't be huge issue but for you it's a really big deal and not worth it

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        • #5
          And yes it is selfish of him to refuse to use protection but even if he did use it you could still catch this STD as it's not just sexually transmitted. Any skin to skin contact, oral sex or intercourse can lead to you catching the STD. The virus could also be on areas of the skin that are not covered by a condom

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          • #6
            When I asked him about using a condom he said he does not and won't.
            Then you should tell him, you won't either and to lose your number.

            Tell me; what generation didn't/doesn't use condoms?
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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            • #7
              a recent national health survey reported that 86% of men over 50 do not use condoms. by contrast to 23% to men under 25

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              • #8
                I appreciate you all taking the time to offer me great advice...thank you!!! I completely agree with all of you. It's a difficult situation to be in the shoes of someone with an STD. I guess I would want someone to give me a chance if it were me. So in our last conversation I let him know that I have no intentions to having sexual relations with him. I would have to feel he was the ONE before that happened. But the problem is how do you ever know. I really have to take this one day at a time.

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                • #9
                  I'd be outta there. No one day at a time. He admits to an STD and then tells you he will not wear a rubber. Fuck that. How long do you think a relationship with someone like him is going to last when you won't have sex with him. It's all about him. There are stupid women out there with zero self worth that won't care and will accommodate his selfish, all-about-me attitude. Let them have him.

                  Do silently thank him for being so honest.
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                  • #10
                    From what I understand, and as Star89 mentioned above, STD viruses can be transferred through just skin to skin contact, kissing and oral sex. I was not expecting him to want to continue with a 4th date after I questioned him about the rubber and let him know I wouldn't be having any physical contact until who knows when. Because of his outlook on rubbers, I expected him to say, " ok, I'm outa here". It's disappointing because while I appreciate his honesty, I can't see how this relationship can progress in nothing more than a friendship. He did say he's on herpes regression drugs, only has an outbreak once a year on average and goes to great lengths to follow a certain diet to help to prevent flare ups.

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                    • #11
                      Well, as you know, (or if you don't, please google) you can get herpes from persons who do not have symptoms or active sores through what they call "shedding." All I can tell you if you're going to continue on with this dude is to educate yourself about everything regarding herpes before going any further. Does he expect you to give him oral sex without a condom on as well? Gah! Not to mention, you can become infected with it in any of the places that bodily fluids come in contact with you that a condom will not cover.

                      I suspect there are nicer men then what he appears to be that have herpes too. Ones that would at least take precautions as best they could to protect their partner... unlike him.
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        You're right, you're last sentence did it for me...thank you for taking the time to knock some sense into my head! I just can't get past the no condom thing but his argument is that I can get it and mostly likely will with or without a condom.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Alwayshopeful1 View Post
                          All advice is greatly appreciated...

                          After three amazing dates with a guy I just recently met, he disclosed to me he has an STD. So far we have only kissed. He said there's an excellent chance I will get it too. He's had it for over 35 years and he gets an outbreak on average once a year. I VERY MUCH appreciate his honesty and it shows ALOT about him. I decided that I would like to continue to get to know him but I feel like I should not have sex with him until I feel certain this relationship has potential to last. And while I dread the thought of contracting an STD, (I'm 55 and I've been extremely lucky with not contracting one thus far) it's also foolish to think I could go the rest of my life without contracting one. When I asked him about using a condom he said he does not and won't. I understand to a degree bc I'm from the same generation that just doesn't use them. He said it can also be contracted through oral sex so it's inevitable that I will get it.

                          Is it selfish of him to refuse to use a condom? Personally I think so but I feel somewhat hypocritical at the same time bc I've never asked a partner to use a condom. He's looking at like, well there's a great chance you will contract it just from oral sex so what would be the sense of using a condom.

                          Is it too unrealistic to expect to refrain from sexual relations until I feel this relationship has potential for longevity? The problem with that is there's no way to know if he's going to be last partner in life. Of course I'd like to think so but with only 3 dates in, we've got a long, long way to go.

                          Lastly, I don't feel he should pressure me until I'm ready. He isn't at all but we've only had 3 dates... If he does expect sex after a certain point, shouldn't that be my red flag?
                          To me, this is a no brainer. He kissed you, then told you about STD. Then he refuses to use protection.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Alwayshopeful1 View Post
                            You're right, you're last sentence did it for me...thank you for taking the time to knock some sense into my head! I just can't get past the no condom thing but his argument is that I can get it and mostly likely will with or without a condom.
                            When I read the original post I was going to say is that it seemed weird how he kept mentioning that you'll eventually get it, and also he refused to use a condom. The issue here is not necessarily that he has herpes (although it sucks) but the fact that he doesn't seem to care wether you get it or not, when in reality if he were the kind of man that was looking for something serious, and does not want to infect anyone else he would be talking to his doctor about how to minimize to almost nothing the chance of transmitting herpes and sticking to it, like using condoms. If i were you I wouldn't take it any further, like i mention before, is not the herpes that is the issue, is the fact that he doesn't seem to want to cooperate.

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                            • #15
                              A condom will help reduce it but does not protect against herpes, he will still shed despite the condom, herpes antiviral drugs to minimise shedding but nothing eliminates it. Also unless you had a special blood test done that you don't take during usual screenings for STDs you don't know if you have HSV viruses yourself. HSV virus is so prevalent in general population, meaning that so many people have herpes virus, or even two in their body that health providers do not test for it unless you have an outbreak. This means that you might have more HSV viruses (there's two) in your body than you bf, you just have had a better immune system and never had an outbreak. To really rule out hsv you need to take the only truly reliable HSV virus test, that cannot give a false positive or negative, called the Western Blot test. You have to pay for this test yourself.

                              The tests done when someone has an outbreak are cheaper and less reliable and can give false results but in combination with the person presenting the symptoms (the outbreak) the diagnoses is made and then if the outbreak is healed with herpes medication there you go, you are sure you have herpes. About 80 percent of population of Unites States have herpes.
                              Some have HSV 1 that they get as children from their parents (causes oral herpes but can cause genital one if passed on through oral sex), some have HSV2 (causes genital herpes and is passed on throuhg sexual contact), and most people never have any symptoms so they never know they have it. Oral herpes is actually more dangerous than genital one as it lies dormant in the head, and not round genital, area and in case of a serious out break, which is rare but possible, can attack eyes even brain.

                              You need to educate yourself about herpes as you don't seem to know much about it..


                              https://www.gov.uk/guidance/genital-herpes

                              http://www.who.int/mediacentre/news/...015/herpes/en/

                              ​​​​​​​http://commonhealth.legacy.wbur.org/...genital-herpes
                              Last edited by eve.ashley; November 11th, 2017, 05:44 AM.

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