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Down in the Dumps Breaking up is a difficult time. How does it go? Denial, Anger, acceptance? No... that's not it. Come to this forum to find out what it's really like.

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Unread November 29th, 2013, 11:38 AM   #1
roxana_76
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Default Please help me get over my ex

Hello

I'm new here, and I'm posting because I really need some help right now getting over my ex.

My ex and I got together in 2008. He's 12 years older than me. It was pretty much a lust thing but although the sexual side of things has always been very good between us, we struggled to make the rest of the relationship work. Lots of nasty rows, jealousy and he found it very difficult to make a relationship that worked with my child.

I finally broke it off with him a year ago and he moved to a different flat. BUT because we still had a physical attraction/bond between us we just started dating each other and didn't move on! Over the year we've had some wonderful times, but some very hard times too. My child would NOT want me to get back together with him and so we've been in a limbo situation.

Things went really downhill recently where we both started realising this wasn't going to work. I "saw" a few other men but *not* sexually and they did nothing for me (just realised I still wanted him). He also went on dating sites.

Then three weeks ago we had a fabulous expensive meal out and he bought me an EXTREMELY expensive present. The next day he was not in touch... remained that way for a while and then I saw on his Facebook that he is "in a relationship". This was a surprise for me and I felt really strange - even though our relationship wasn't working I have strong feelings for him and after the meal, really thought things were getting better!

Anyway as we work together we still see each other and he said he was still attracted to me AND he said he's not in love with the new gf, he's trying to see if he can move on from me and our situation by getting together with someone else. The new gf is completely different from me in looks, age (she's his age) outlook, personality.

Today I did an unforgivable thing. I went to see him and within 2 minutes we were in bed. I don't know WHY I did it. Now I feel absolutely completely awful. He has said he's going to consider whether we should get back together as he's not in love with his gf but I feel absolutely terrible. I do have feelings for him but at the moment they are very hurt ones.

Please help me move on, even if you have to be harsh I am struggling to get through the day at the moment and really need support (I can't tell my friends about this as they have banned me from all contact with him as they know he upsets me dreadfully).

I have nothing against my ex's gf, nothing against him either I just want to get out of this situation, but I keep feeling jealous unhappy thoughts.

Thanks for listening to me.
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Unread November 29th, 2013, 01:13 PM   #2
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Default Re: Please help me get over my ex

Quote:
Originally Posted by roxana_76 View Post
Hello

I'm new here, and I'm posting because I really need some help right now getting over my ex.

My ex and I got together in 2008. He's 12 years older than me. It was pretty much a lust thing but although the sexual side of things has always been very good between us, we struggled to make the rest of the relationship work. Lots of nasty rows, jealousy and he found it very difficult to make a relationship that worked with my child.

I finally broke it off with him a year ago and he moved to a different flat. BUT because we still had a physical attraction/bond between us we just started dating each other and didn't move on! Over the year we've had some wonderful times, but some very hard times too. My child would NOT want me to get back together with him and so we've been in a limbo situation.

Things went really downhill recently where we both started realising this wasn't going to work. I "saw" a few other men but *not* sexually and they did nothing for me (just realised I still wanted him). He also went on dating sites.

Then three weeks ago we had a fabulous expensive meal out and he bought me an EXTREMELY expensive present. The next day he was not in touch... remained that way for a while and then I saw on his Facebook that he is "in a relationship". This was a surprise for me and I felt really strange - even though our relationship wasn't working I have strong feelings for him and after the meal, really thought things were getting better!

Anyway as we work together we still see each other and he said he was still attracted to me AND he said he's not in love with the new gf, he's trying to see if he can move on from me and our situation by getting together with someone else. The new gf is completely different from me in looks, age (she's his age) outlook, personality.

Today I did an unforgivable thing. I went to see him and within 2 minutes we were in bed. I don't know WHY I did it. Now I feel absolutely completely awful. He has said he's going to consider whether we should get back together as he's not in love with his gf but I feel absolutely terrible. I do have feelings for him but at the moment they are very hurt ones.

Please help me move on, even if you have to be harsh I am struggling to get through the day at the moment and really need support (I can't tell my friends about this as they have banned me from all contact with him as they know he upsets me dreadfully).

I have nothing against my ex's gf, nothing against him either I just want to get out of this situation, but I keep feeling jealous unhappy thoughts.

Thanks for listening to me.
Quite frankly: The two of you should be ashamed of yourself for leading other people on when you're still very much involved with each other even if it is a dysfunctional mess. To try and see other men (and him other women) at this point is the cruelest thing the two of you could be doing to the people you use as human band aids to help you heal the emotional wound the two of you keep picking at and not allowing it to heal on its own.

Stop all contact with him. He keeps you tied to his dick as sure as if he used real rope. He's a poor partner in life and all he's good for is keeping you addicted to the lust. You do your child no favours be keeping him in your life.

Second: Start looking for a new place to work and hopefully you'll be successful in getting yourself physically away from him while you work on getting emotionally away from him.

If you need help rehabbing from your addiction to your drug of choice known as "lousy boyfriend whose dick I am tied to" then see a therapist to help you with your self-worth. Right now you have none or you would have left a man that makes you addicted to being between the sheets with him but everything else is shit.
Get some hobbies, do things with your kid, take some classes, do things that will keep your mind off of him and onto making you a better person then one who would stoop to helping someone cheat on their current girlfriend. (Even if that is a worse farce then what you two have going on).
Any questions?

Oh, and please don't get defensive. I spill things as they are without the sugar. It is what it is.
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Unread November 29th, 2013, 01:17 PM   #3
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Default Re: Please help me get over my ex

Thanks for the honest reply.

We haven't really been officially together for a year, the past year has been pretty ridiculous and I do agree we should have just cut ties and walked away from each other.

I guess I thought there was still a bond there but even if there is I don't think it's a good or healthy one. Ouch
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Unread November 29th, 2013, 01:22 PM   #4
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Default Re: Please help me get over my ex

I'm surprised you'd want to talk to him at all to tell you the truth. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever why you would want to keep an ex (particularily one that left you for another woman) in your life unless you have childrend together and there is no getting around that.

Send that final email and get on the train that will take you to the land of indifference to him and anything about him. When you're at that stage (indifference to him) then and only then will you make someone new a decent and devoted partner.

There is someone who you were meant to spend the rest of your life with out there and while your head and heart is with a twat, you'll not be open to seeing him even if he's across the table from you on a date.

Work on getting el douche out of your life for good.

Last edited by phasesofthemoon; November 29th, 2013 at 01:23 PM..
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Unread November 29th, 2013, 01:25 PM   #5
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Default Re: Please help me get over my ex

Thank you again.

I know I did wrong - I've been feeling horrid about it hence coming on here rather than contacting him - I WANT to move on. I don't want to enable a cheater and I don't want to be the other woman.

Horribly, I think I'm more mourning the 6 years of having a bad relationship than the relationship itself. If I'd been stronger I would have ended it a long time ago and moved on but 6 years.... what a waste!
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Unread November 29th, 2013, 01:41 PM   #6
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Default Re: Please help me get over my ex

There is no such thing as a waste here. You're learning to be a strong woman. A woman that won't take shit from a lousy piece of work that strings women along. Forgive yourself and just get rid of him for good.

Once you've cleansed yourself from the likes of him, then you'll be far more equipped now to find a good man, a man that will be a good role model to your child... a man that can see the value in you.

The key here is for you to realize the value in yourself. Once you know you're the prize, that you'll only accept good men in your life that treat you with respect and reciprocation, then you will be able to quickly get rid of anyone who isn't measuring up.

Expensive dinners and gifts don't measure a man's worth. How he values YOU, how he has your back, how he does the little loving things for you, how he respects your opinion but isn't afraid to give his own, how he is consistant in the relationship, how things are mostly good (not mostly bad with some good sex). That is how you measure a man's worth when it comes to you and your emotional well being. Chuck them early if they are'nt showing you consistantly that they value you both in and out of the bedroom.

He's fluff. You know that now so do what you have to do to completely wash him out of your life. Don't give into your habit of him. That is just like being a drug addict that keeps going back for another hit. You can't quit if you keep using. Know-what-I'm-sayin?
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Unread November 29th, 2013, 02:15 PM   #7
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Default Re: Please help me get over my ex

Yes, I do and thank you again for taking the time to construct these replies.

I think I am going to try and learn a bit about why I got myself stuck in a bad relationship.
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Unread November 29th, 2013, 03:43 PM   #8
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Default Re: Please help me get over my ex

Fantastic advice, Phases. Giving advice like that, I'm sure, comes with experience. I'm getting better at weeding out silliness around me thanks to this forum.
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Unread December 1st, 2013, 12:54 PM   #9
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Default Re: Please help me get over my ex

It is fantastic advice. I just wanted to say I'm SO glad this place exists. If I feel myself weakening and wanting contact I come here and read back through this thread then I get the strength to carry on again - thank you guys
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Unread December 1st, 2013, 01:48 PM   #10
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