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Unread October 2nd, 2013, 03:26 PM   #1
Jamie199267
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Default Long term boyfriend and I not sexually compatible?

My long term boyfriend and I aren't sexually compatible?
A little explicit, but all info is necessary.
Background: known bf for 6 years, been dating for 3 years, been living together for 2.5 years. Both had dated and hooked up with other people prior to dating.

So here's the issue: my bf had I don't like the same things. I don't even know if he likes sex at all. And I'm decently attractive and stay in shape so the issue can't be attraction.

When we first started dating, sex was fantastic. He was adventurous and enthusiastic. Now, I know that relationships loose steam in that department, but this goes beyond that. We can go months without having sex, and I can count on one hand the number of times we've ever had 'round two' sex. Whether I wait two minutes or twenty minutes, he always says "I just can't." If it were up to me, we would do it all night, atleast every once in a while. I'm a very sexual person, but it seems like a chore for him. He doesn't even masterbate, I'm sure of it (because he's said so, ad when we do have sex it lasts like two minutes).

I was willing to overlook that until our talk last night. I'm very in touch with my sexual side, and I always make a lot of noise during sex, an I love to talk dirty when I'm in the moment (however, nothing too crude or obscene). Then last night, he confessed that he hates it. It was so humiliating and I can't ever imagine being comfortable having sec with him again.

The next issue is his lack of adventurism. I like touching myself during sex; I think it's sexy, feels good, and should turn a guy on. But he laughs when I do it. He hates it and thinks it's weird for girls to touch themselves (at least from what he's said). And whenever I try new positions, he just laughs and goes back to one of the only 3 positions he ever does anymore. Not only is he not willing to try new things, he isn't into it at all so it makes me feel weird.

There are new things I've been wanting to try like new toys and watching porn together. But I know he wouldn't be into it. He's just so boring and I feel like I'm never going to try these things that I want to try, and I'm just never going to ever be sexually satisfied. And I'm only 21, I'm not even close to my peak; what am I going to do then??

And it's not a matter of getting him to try these new things, because if he's not into it and doesn't like it, then I'm uncomfortable and not into it.

I could just get myself off for the next 70 years, but if he ever found me masturbating or found toys, he would think it was weird or get mad and I would be humiliated.

But, I can't leave him. I'm not a relationship-y kind of girl, so when we became so serious, it was for a reason. We are so similar, we want the same things out of life, and we have such an honest, trusting, nurturing relationship. And he treats me like a princess. I just don't know what to do, and I feel like he's draining the sexuality out of me.
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Unread October 2nd, 2013, 06:08 PM   #2
marshmarsh47
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Default Re: Long term boyfriend and I not sexually compatible?

Wow, it's uncanny how similar your predicament is to mine (except that you're female ).

I've been struggling to deal with the pretty stark difference in sexual outlook between my partner and I too. Our sex life started great, but the adventurism just stalled completely.

The best thing to do is to communicate. If you're really meant to be with someone there should be no trouble explaining to them your concern. However, this has to be done very delicately, at the right time and using the right sort of words. When one has a qualm about sex, they run the risk of destroying their partner's confidence, and this will make matters worse. Trust me, I know from experience, and now I'm just waiting for the right time to bring it up.

Before you do this however, consider asking small questions here and there, fishing for clues as to why your boyfriend feels this way about sex (to be honest, a guy who doesn't masturbate and isn't enthusiastic in bed is definitely got something on his mind!). I get the impression there is something deeper here that is bothering your boyfriend. So try and get some idea of what that is without revealing your ulterior motive, just so you're furnished with a little insight before you start raising your concerns about your sex life. Again, I'm currently fishing for clues from my girlfriend, and it seems her reserved attitude is a combination of us only meeting weekly/bi-weekly for the past couple of years, and a low self esteem.

Anyway, best of luck with your relationship, and remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint. Change will come slowly.
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Unread October 2nd, 2013, 08:47 PM   #3
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Default Re: Long term boyfriend and I not sexually compatible?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jamie199267 View Post
So here's the issue: my bf had I don't like the same things. I don't even know if he likes sex at all. And I'm decently attractive and stay in shape so the issue can't be attraction.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jamie199267 View Post
It was so humiliating and I can't ever imagine being comfortable having sec with him again.
Let's think about these two statements together. You're so upset you don't think you can have sex with your man... but he clearly should be attracted to you because you're objectively attractive? It doesn't work like that.

Your boyfriend has not felt comfortable talking to you about your sex life for some time, if he's been rejecting you for this long. There may be something else going on in his life, but he's clearly hiding something. (Not saying he's steppin' out - just saying, there's something unspoken.)

Some men are intimidated by highly sexual women. It also kind of sounds like you're focused on your own pleasure during the act (though I don't have much to go on), which can be a turn-off to some guys - they like to feel like your pleasure is their responsibility, not yours, and they do want you to pay attention to them, too.

It's really hard to say from the symptoms you've described, but what marshmarsh said is right - you've got to talk to your partner, often and openly, to truly figure out what the issue is that's resulted in your diminished sex life. Just make sure you establish clear rules about your conversations, and make sure you take the time to listen to and understand each other.
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Give it time. Always, give it time.
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Unread October 4th, 2013, 01:36 PM   #4
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Default Re: Long term boyfriend and I not sexually compatible?

Why are you sticking with this guy? What do you have with him that makes you stay and happy to complain?
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Unread October 6th, 2013, 02:36 AM   #5
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Default Re: Long term boyfriend and I not sexually compatible?

I am having the same issue with my boyfriend. We have been together for almost 4 years now and he is not willing to try anything new. He is only worried about himself getting off, and he will masturbate instead of having sex. He once asked me to leave the room so he could pleasure himself.

I often have to ask for it. Which makes me feel like I am begging and sometimes he will tell me to go play with myself, or go find a toy. I am 28 years young and I cant see myself staying with someone who cannot satisfy my sexual appetite. And I am a very sexual person.

I am all about pleasing my partner as well as myself, but he is very selfish. When it comes to oral he is only a taker, only 2 times in our relationship has he been a giver. (Yes, I have a count...) At this point it makes me so upset that I don't even try anymore, we just get mad and hold out which makes it worse.

It is so frustrating and I don't know how much longer I can deal.
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Unread October 22nd, 2013, 06:00 PM   #6
Violet Iris
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Default Re: Long term boyfriend and I not sexually compatible?

It doesn't sound like he is as secure as you are about his sexuality. Seems he has a complex with masturbation. You're only 21 and I'm sure he can't be very experienced in the bedroom. He probably just needs time to figure things out for himself, on his own time. If it really bothers you though I wouldn't count on his view changing soon, or at all, in this relationship. It isn't you! It's his own self image likely
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Unread November 21st, 2013, 08:07 AM   #7
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Default Re: Long term boyfriend and I not sexually compatible?

if your boyfriend laughs during sex, I think it is a sign that he is immature, I think most guys would appreciate you talking dirty and making sexy sounds, my boyfriend always asks me to do that! You are quite young, but if you know your body and what you like to make sex exciting I don't see anything wrong with you. What is wrong with touching yourself? Unless you are completely forgetting he is there, but yeah, I would have to say it isn't you. If talking doesn't work, I would move on!
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Unread November 21st, 2013, 11:21 AM   #8
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Default Re: Long term boyfriend and I not sexually compatible?

Even though op hasn't been back to explain if she understands anything that's been related to her, I felt compelled to add: (just in case she's lurking)

Quote:
So here's the issue: my bf had I don't like the same things. I don't even know if he likes sex at all. And I'm decently attractive and stay in shape so the issue can't be attraction.
I think once you realize that attraction doesn't end at looks. You can be Barbie and still, he wouldn't find you attractive. You'll be able to help remedy the lack of sexual attention.

I suppose that's what might be happening in your relationship. You do not attract him emotionally right now. You should work on your emotional bond. More likely then not, that is where his attraction for you is lacking. *shrugs*

Last edited by phasesofthemoon; November 21st, 2013 at 11:22 AM..
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Unread November 27th, 2013, 02:49 AM   #9
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Default Re: Long term boyfriend and I not sexually compatible?

You have to consider whether this man is the man you want to be with Jamie. If you are not compatible sexually then are you likely to be compatible in other ways?
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Unread December 5th, 2013, 12:23 PM   #10
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Default Re: Long term boyfriend and I not sexually compatible?

wow lots of opinions here. i say if you love someone and he loves you back part of this love connection is the fact that you want to give pleasure to your partner in any way possible. when you get to a point you dont care if he is enjoying with you or not there is a problem but it is not sexual. everyone has to stand for thier right to be happy,loved and to be Sexual provided. dont give up thies rights.
if the problem isn't love for one another but rather sexual Boredom there are solutions for that. i have a blog talking Exactly about this sort of things thesexswings.com . anyway this is my opinion
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