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The Long Haul Are you past the flirting and dating stage? Wondering if there's life after 6 months with the same person? If you're in a serious long term relationship, this is your one-stop shop for questions and answers.

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Unread March 12th, 2013, 04:37 PM   #1
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Default Is taking a break from sex a good idea?

I've been with my husband for 2 years. We got married 8 months ago. Sex has always been an issue for us (for me at least), but lately it feels like a problem. I can't have an orgasm during sex, or oral, or any other way besides masturbation. It was like this with my two other sexual partners as well, so I know it's my own problem.

Usually I have a semi normal sex drive though, and we used to have sex every other night. For the past 2 months or so, my sex drive and my tolerance for this bullshit are plummeting. We still have sex once, twice, sometimes tbree times a week. But every time we do it now, I feel like absolute shit and I start crying. What makes it even worse is that my husband doesn't say much. It feels like he doesn't care, like he's sick of it. I understand that there's not really anything he can do, but the last time we had sex-a couple nights ago- he fell asleep. I started crying and woke him up, and he said nothing, just got on his phone, I'm assuming to surf the net or something, to avoid talking about it.

That's one if our problems though. We don't communicate enough. So now I hate the thought of sex, and I want to propose taking a break from it. But I'm not sure if that will make the situation better or worse.
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Unread March 12th, 2013, 04:45 PM   #2
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Default Re: Is taking a break from sex a good idea?

Have you considered seeking professional help? Medical help? Couples therapy?
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Unread March 14th, 2013, 02:53 PM   #3
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Default Re: Is taking a break from sex a good idea?

IMO taking a break from it would make it worse. It would be pulling away from (maybe?) the only way he can communicate his love for you. My H doesn't communicate very well either and we are seeking counseling for it. I got a couple of books to see if they help. I don't know yet tho, still waiting for them to arrive in the mail. I got His Needs, Her Needs and 5 Languages of Love. If I were to pull away from sex in the beginning of our communication problems it would have made everything so much worse for me. For a long time that was the only way I had to validate his feelings for me. You should address the communication issue before the sex issue. Even if you don't actually see a counselor there are a lot of self help options out there. Google "marriage help, or marriage counseling".
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Unread March 14th, 2013, 03:03 PM   #4
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Default Re: Is taking a break from sex a good idea?

What you need to do (IMO) is talk to HIM about what you're going and through and ask him to help you with this.

Perhaps after your talk you could masturbate in front of him (make the room romantic and lit by candlelight so that if will facilitate your own mood and keep away any awkwardness you may be feeling) and show him how you get yourself off. I'm thinking that him watching you will also stimulate him.

Please tell me you haven't been lying to him and faking your orgasms? If you have, then stop doing that immediately and tell him that what he was doing before isn't working anymore (I know, another lie, but you don't want to destroy his ego and his libido along with it) and that you're having a hard time orgasming now and you're going to show him what DOES get you off so that he can help you get there even BEFORE he enters you.

He doesn't know how to please you and likely feels bad enough. Now that you're crying over it (nothing to cry over really) he's tuning you out even more before it makes him not want you anymore.

Instead of crying, get talking to him, buy some couples porn and watch it together, buy a vibrator and incorporate into your love making and foreplay. You have a mental block that you need to overcome in order to relax enough to allow yourself to pop. Perhaps if you feel you're being pro-active and he's at least caring about your pleasure, you'll get there. Be sure to tell him you want him to make you come, or participate in your masturbation by playing with your nipples, kissing etc until you come BEFORE he enters you. Take charge, girlie.

Another thought: Stop masturbating the same way. Change it up and keep doing it another way until you can come using a different method. I think you've trained yourself and your brain only to be able to come one way. Change that up even if it takes you a long time to get off. (do this on your own, privately)
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Unread March 14th, 2013, 03:48 PM   #5
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Default Re: Is taking a break from sex a good idea?

Please get some help. Even if your husband won't go, you can do some work on your own to make things better. Doing nothing will eventually lead to real or virtual infidelity and destroy your marriage.
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Unread March 15th, 2013, 02:21 AM   #6
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Default Re: Is taking a break from sex a good idea?

It sounds as though both of you aren't accustomed to discussing this sort of thing, which is perfectly natural... stuff like this is hard to talk about! I think you'll be incredibly surprised though at how easy it is to start talking about once you get the conversation going.
One thing that is important is to broach the subject in a way that shows your interest in making things better and in making your life together more enjoyable and loving. Acknowledge your discomfort, explain that it isn't his fault its just how you feel and that you'd like his help making things better.
Don't be surprised if it is difficult at first or if he refuses to talk about it at all.
This is what needs to happen, if doing it yourselves is too difficult then talking to counselors is a good idea, they often have excellent insight into how to have these conversations and what the barriers are that are keeping you from communicating and fixing the issues at hand.
Good luck!
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Unread March 15th, 2013, 03:10 AM   #7
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Default Re: Is taking a break from sex a good idea?

Don't get frustrated and blame yourself. Both people contribute to a relationship. If you can get yourself to orgasm by masturbation, then have him put it in you when you're close to orgasm from masturbating and see if a several thrusts from him can get you to orgasm (without your finger there).
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Unread March 15th, 2013, 02:16 PM   #8
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Default Re: Is taking a break from sex a good idea?

First things first: don't cry all the time. To us women its us showing our emotions and expressing ourselves. Most men, when faced with a complicated situation, don't start balling. When they see a woman cry they either do one of two things: cave in to our demands even if we are not in the right, so they can avoid a fight/make us stop crying. Or completely shut down because they don't want to deal with an emotional woman.

Second, he is likely shutting down because he feels helpless himself. Many men pride themselves on being able to perform well in bed, and if he can not please you it will hurt his male pride. You can tell him that it's not him but you until the cows come home but in his mind it won't make a difference; He is supposed to please you because he's a man.

His non communication is what is really bothersome. He needs to be able to communicate, and doing so is making resentment rise in your relationship. I suggest you two seek counseling, becasue communication is not something you don't have, then do in one day: It is taught.

I'm going to say it again: Do not cry! I know, it sucks being frustrated in your relationship, but that is going to make him clam up more, then what will you have? An emotional woman and a man who is too scared to talk.
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