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Down in the Dumps Breaking up is a difficult time. How does it go? Denial, Anger, acceptance? No... that's not it. Come to this forum to find out what it's really like.

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Unread July 23rd, 2012, 11:31 AM   #1
BlueEyes77
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Default Why does my ex still want to hurt me?

I am having a hard time getting over my abusive ex-BF (on and off for 3+ years) because I have to see him at work, but I love my job and do not want to leave....especially in this economy.

My ex is an unmedicated bipolar with anger issues. He was admittedly violent with his ex-wife (untl she finally divorced him) and was emotionally abusive with me. We had a strong physical attraction that kept me coming back to him. I thought I was almost over him when he started pursuing me again last winter. We ended up spending a passionate night together, at which point he told me he was seeing someone else but would "always love me." After thinking it over that week afterward, I told him it would prob be best if we don't talk other than over work issues. He got mad, hung up the phone on me and blocked me. Mind you, I did everything for this guy, even lent him money that he never paid back (and when I finally asked him about it, he was very mean).

Since then he keeps having his GF (the one he cheated on) drive to our office and meet him there, and hang out in front of me (walking by my office a million times, etc.). There is no reason for her to be there, as she doesn't work there and does not need to come and sit in his office while he is working. He will give me dirty looks and refuse to even say hello. He also must have said something to the GF, because she seems hostile towards me too. I finally saw him alone and told him I wished him the best and I hoped we could at least act cordial at work, and I was sorry if I hurt him by ending things, and he was very angry and said I had hurt him and stormed off. (Mind you, this guy is in his 40s wth grown kids.) If we have to work on the same project, he refuses to help me, etc.

I'll be honest and say I still have feelings for him, for whatever reason (maybe just the passionate physical thing?) but I could not continue with someone who treated me so badly. It was just awful, and scary at times to see his anger. I am not sure how this new GF is dealing with it, but she looks like a very "tough girl" so maybe it doesn;t bother her (although neither she nor he seem happy, and seem almost just like "buddies" rather than BF/GF - with me he was always very passionate, lovey-dovey when not mean)...anyway, I feel like every time I see him walk by with the new GF, and he looks to make sure I see them,it just opens up the scab for me. It is actually making me depressed. The other day I shut the door to my office and cried. I am a sensitive person and of course he knows that.

I do not understand why he can't just act cordial at work, for the sake of both of our jobs. And why, if he is with someone else, does he still need to upset me? He even heard me talking about my cat being lost and told one of my co-workers that he saw the cat get hit by a car, which I know is not true.

Advice?
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Unread July 23rd, 2012, 01:18 PM   #2
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Default Re: Why does my ex still want to hurt me?

Are you shitting me?

Why are you apologizing to someone who was abusive to you for the way things ended?
Why are you giving two shits about what someone who was abusive to you does?
Why would you still have feelings for someone who abused you?

Better than sitting there wondering why he can't act cordial, or why if he is with someone else why does he need to upset you, you should be asking yourself why this even affects you. he does this shit because he's ABUSIVE, and you just buy right into it.

Because you buy right into it you need to take a good look at yourself and figure out why you keep playing into the hands of an abusive person? You shouldn't be giving two rat's asses about what he does, says, think, or spews out of his mouth. He has you under his control because he doesn't give a shit about you. And he's ABUSIVE so he knows all the right buttons to push. That's what ABUSIVE people do.

You need to have a little more dignity and self respect as well as self love within yourself because if you did have all that you wouldn't give a flying pigs ass what this narcissistic disordered POS was doing in the least.

At this juncture your broken up, he is not in control of you, yet you're wading in his cesspool of abuse still. You need to get to the bottom of your own dysfunction.

There is help out there you just need to seek it. AND read my signature. Then read it again.
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Unread July 24th, 2012, 03:48 PM   #3
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Default Re: Why does my ex still want to hurt me?

What an immature 40yr old child!! You have tried talking ot him and being cordial so to hell with him. Some people there is just no control over how they act. Your feellings for him may be those typical feelings abused women have. You dont deserve this. You sound like a nice sweet woman so the best thing to do is do not even let him bother you. Flip the switch in your brain to off and numb any and all actions, comments or thoughts of him. Trust me it can be done. Just keep thinking of how much of a dick he is and that you deserve better. Walk around your office with your head high and do not even look at him, his girl or pay any attention.

This is why i wont date in the work place. How does your company feel about dating in the work place? Is it possible to talk to a supervisor or HR without you getting in trouble?
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Unread July 24th, 2012, 05:35 PM   #4
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Default Re: Why does my ex still want to hurt me?

He hurts you because you allow and want him to
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Unread July 25th, 2012, 10:43 AM   #5
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Default Re: Why does my ex still want to hurt me?

^^^ this too. He feeds off of the pain he causes you cause you caused him pain. Hes too much of a panzy to get over it so he wants you to suffer instead. Just ignore it and walk high. Find another dude.
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Unread July 26th, 2012, 02:20 AM   #6
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Default Re: Why does my ex still want to hurt me?

Best thing to do is just move on and form new relationships to replace that one. Nobody should go through an abusive relationship.
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