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Down in the Dumps Breaking up is a difficult time. How does it go? Denial, Anger, acceptance? No... that's not it. Come to this forum to find out what it's really like.

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Unread December 12th, 2011, 10:46 PM   #1
chris124
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Default Can't seem to get over my ex-girlfriend

Over a year ago, we were having continuous problems. I've addressed them accordingly, but nothing changed and I was unhappy. After several months of waiting and hoping, I had to break up with her even though my heart didn't want to.

We gave each other space for about 2 months, then I began to try to get her back because I loved her. I didn't rush it, I took things slow. I went to see her once or twice a week, and called/texted her once in a while. In early August, the momentum seemed to be on the positive side, so I asked her if we could work things out but not necessarily jump right into a relationship, but take the steps to move forward in that direction. She didn't want to, and she said "you deserved better", implying a weird notion.

I was devastated at that point, then rumors started coming out. Whether or not they were true, I was willing to forgive if they were, but she kept distancing herself from that point.

I was really good to her, really good. When I reflect back, I know I do deserve better, but I just cant seem to get over the relationship. I talk to friends and family, I read articles on how to get over relationships, I keep myself busy with school and work, I go out socially to bars/clubs, I do the things I love like basketball, video games, cooking, snowboarding, and etc. but I just cant seem to get over her.

This is my second relationship, as I was just like this after the first one. I try to use the first one as a guide to getting over it this one. Maybe I'm just being impatient, and time will eventually heal all.

But as of right now, I'm sad that I can't be the best "me". I can't be genuinely happy or even content. All I'm doing is covering up the pain. I've done everything to get over her, but I just cant seem to get over her. I can't seem to fully let go..

Thoughts/advice? Thank you..
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Unread December 13th, 2011, 12:04 AM   #2
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Default Re: Can't seem to get over my ex-girlfriend

Well, Chris it's only been since August that you found out for sure that you two were'nt going to be life mates so It's not that long that you've started the actual process to get over her. Before that, you still had hope and therefore you clung to the thought of being in a relationship with her.

If you're not already going No Contact with her then now would be the time to start so that you can finally and eventually get to the point of indifference to her and stop wanting to be with her.

You say yourself that there were issues which you addressed with her and she didn't resolve these issues so what would be the point of going back to the same crap that made you want to leave in the first place? Think about that and perhaps it will help you to accept that you're totally better off without her and once you do that, you'll start to feel better.
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Unread December 13th, 2011, 07:18 AM   #3
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Default Re: Can't seem to get over my ex-girlfriend

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Originally Posted by chris124 View Post
All I'm doing is covering up the pain. I've done everything to get over her, but I just cant seem to get over her.
Have you thought about not trying to cover up the pain?

How did you eventually get over your first relationship?



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Unread December 13th, 2011, 11:22 AM   #4
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Default Re: Can't seem to get over my ex-girlfriend

Everyone handles break ups differently. Some can move on fast, others take months to years to move on depending on the partner. Dont try to cover up the pain, grieve. Perhaps there is some closure needed? Do you feel all your questions are answered? This would be the one reason i would say its ok to break no contact is to gain closure over the situation. Time heals but dont cover it up. I usually take a month to two months of alone time to myself to grieve and analyze the relationship and how to better myself. once that time frame is up im a new person.
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Unread December 13th, 2011, 09:56 PM   #5
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Default Re: Can't seem to get over my ex-girlfriend

Just wanted to say thanks for the responses, I appreciate them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
If you're not already going No Contact with her then now would be the time to start so that you can finally and eventually get to the point of indifference to her and stop wanting to be with her.

You say yourself that there were issues which you addressed with her and she didn't resolve these issues so what would be the point of going back to the same crap that made you want to leave in the first place? Think about that and perhaps it will help you to accept that you're totally better off without her and once you do that, you'll start to feel better.
We're basically on No Contact, but I occasionally drunk call/text her after I go out. I think you're right with the "stop wanting to be with her" part, but I don't know how to get to that point. My mind is telling me one thing, but my heart is telling me another. There are times where my heart overrules what I do at the moment, and I regress after making good progress. I know I should stop doing those things that makes me regress, but like I said, sometimes my heart overrules what I do. But I'm not depressed or anything.. I just wanna be me again, you know?
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Unread December 13th, 2011, 10:07 PM   #6
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Default Re: Can't seem to get over my ex-girlfriend

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Originally Posted by chris124 View Post
Just wanted to say thanks for the responses, I appreciate them.



We're basically on No Contact, but I occasionally drunk call/text her after I go out. I think you're right with the "stop wanting to be with her" part, but I don't know how to get to that point. My mind is telling me one thing, but my heart is telling me another. There are times where my heart overrules what I do at the moment, and I regress after making good progress. I know I should stop doing those things that makes me regress, but like I said, sometimes my heart overrules what I do. But I'm not depressed or anything.. I just wanna be me again, you know?
Yeah, I know where your coming from Man, "I just wanna be me again...", exaclty what I want too.

It's so hard sometimes and your right, your heart takes over and you regress. For me, I feel like I'm just going thru life, like walking down a hallway to get to the other side, no real purpose or goal, even though I have lots of my plate in my life (family, daughter, a passion that I pursue weekly, excersise, etc..), she is still right there in my mind, and it's worse when you have some downtime.

What to do? Just live day to day, and keep busy they say, maybe try sometime mediation, and realize why she has this effect on you?? Stuff like this is so unecessary sometimes, that's what gets me, my ex and I could have had a great life, as we were compatible on so many levels, except for a few things...sucks...

At least you know thru this forum, your not alone, that helps a bit when in the beginning at least, lots of good advice here already given out, go thru the old threads and search, lots of guys here dealing with this same issue.
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Unread December 13th, 2011, 10:14 PM   #7
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Default Re: Can't seem to get over my ex-girlfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by mike b View Post
Have you thought about not trying to cover up the pain?

How did you eventually get over your first relationship?


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I've actually greived during the beginning moments of the break up, and resolution in August. I've discussed it with friends and family several times, but I don't want to bother them with it any further. That's kinda why I wanna just get over the breakup. I know it's unhealthy, but it just doesn't want to leave my system.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Drewcious281 View Post
Everyone handles break ups differently. Some can move on fast, others take months to years to move on depending on the partner. Dont try to cover up the pain, grieve. Perhaps there is some closure needed? Do you feel all your questions are answered? This would be the one reason i would say its ok to break no contact is to gain closure over the situation. Time heals but dont cover it up. I usually take a month to two months of alone time to myself to grieve and analyze the relationship and how to better myself. once that time frame is up im a new person.
I've asked for closure too lol, but she refuses to talk about it. She just became so close-minded.

My mind has accepted the whole break-up and the process itself, but its my damn heart though lol. It yearns for her... But yeah, maybe I should be more patient on the process. It just gets tough at times, and I get pretty vulnerable during moments. Do you guys have any advice on what should I do during those vulnerable moments?

Maybe if I distract or avoid those moments, I wouldn't be taking steps back and I would be continuing to move forward.
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Unread December 13th, 2011, 11:16 PM   #8
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Default Re: Can't seem to get over my ex-girlfriend

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Originally Posted by chris124 View Post

I've asked for closure too lol, but she refuses to talk about it. She just became so close-minded.
For one thing your asking the wrong person for closure. Go home look in the mirror and tell that guy to take his closure. You give closure to yourself it's nothing any person can give you.

Quote:
My mind has accepted the whole break-up and the process itself, but its my damn heart though lol. It yearns for her... But yeah, maybe I should be more patient on the process. It just gets tough at times, and I get pretty vulnerable during moments. Do you guys have any advice on what should I do during those vulnerable moments?

Maybe if I distract or avoid those moments, I wouldn't be taking steps back and I would be continuing to move forward.
No your mind hasn't accepted this whole break up thing. Your still wallowing in it.

I have some advice. You do need something to distract you. Here it is:

Google and read up on the Five Stages of Grief. Become intimate with them all. They don't happen in any particular order the key thing is to recognize when your in one of the stages, accept it, feel it, and then let yourself move forward another day to feel whatever that day brings.

As I said they come in no particular order, and they could be random in their arrival and departure. But if your understanding, you're moving forward.

I used anger to make a metaphorical baseball bat. Whenever i would pine or wallow in pity because of the "good times" I was missing i would beat the living daylights out of that sappy shit with my anger bat. Worked like a charm.

Seriously research the Five Stages of Grief and get working on them.
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Unread December 13th, 2011, 11:23 PM   #9
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Default Re: Can't seem to get over my ex-girlfriend

When you're feeling vulnerable, do not act on it. Just don't. Maybe don't get drunk for a while if that's what it takes.

If you feel like your head and your heart are at odds, then you haven't really gotten over this thing. Like, if your Aunt June dies, you might know she's gone in your head, but your heart is not going to get there so quickly.

Trying to cover up the pain is just prolonging the process. You can't move on with that pain trapped inside, and you can't just will that pain away. If you try, it will always come back. I really think it's better to not cover it up. Maybe take some alone time a few times a week and just let that pain come to the surface.



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