Members: 15,408
Threads: 38,222
Posts: 406,960
Online: 40

Newest Member: ashley221


Go Back   The Relationship Forums > The Relationship > Down in the Dumps

Notices

Down in the Dumps Breaking up is a difficult time. How does it go? Denial, Anger, acceptance? No... that's not it. Come to this forum to find out what it's really like.

Reply
Thread Tools
Unread December 10th, 2011, 01:22 AM   #1
Goonbunny
New Member
 
Join Date: December 10th, 2011
Posts: 4
Gender: Female
Goonbunny is on a distinguished road
Default I Haven't Seen Him in A Month!

My boyfriend is a single father of two. He claims to like me, but he never ever has time for me. He has his children every other weekend and most of the week as well. Since he has to bring them to school thirty miles round trip and pick them up on the days he has them, on the days he doesn't have them he has to make up time at work for coming in late and leaving early.

The last day he saw me was Veteran's Day which was more or less his last child free evening. He then had them the following weekend, had them for Thanksgiving (alternating holidays as per his custody arrangement) then he had them the very next weekend. In short, he had them three weekends in a row. This is his first child free week and he informed me that he was attending his nephew's hockey tournament out of state and making it a boy's weekend with his brother-in-law. Ugh.

This means he will have his children next week, then he'll be out of state visiting his extended family for Christmas and New Year's. So in a nutshell? I'm not going to see him for two months straight. Needless to say, when I found this out the other day I hit the roof. I've been pretty easygoing for the most part with this because I really like him and think he's worth it. But I feel that he never ever makes time for me. So I told him I saw no point in continuing this relationship and he obviously wasn't that into me. He returned that family comes first and if I can't understand that "have fun." I then accused him of having another girlfriend. This wasn't coming out of left field, mind you...I was in another relationship last year with similar issues and that turned out to be the problem. Well, he blew up at me, saying he doesn't play games and I'm the only one he's been with and it's good to finally see the "real me." (He's made remarks about how I'm the sweetest girl he's ever dated, I'm practically like a saint). I replied that the real me had been planning on spending my bonus buying him the I-Phone he's been eyeing but couldn't afford, just because I understood he was spending every cent on his children and wanted him to get something he wanted for Christmas for a change. He didn't reply.
That was Tuesday. I tried sending him a text today...the smiley face emotion crying....and he didn't respond. I don't know what to think. My friends all say I don't deserve to be treated like this and he's entirely in the wrong. Part of me thinks he's not that into me. But I posted this situation on another internet forum for objectivity and the responders all I said I was the one in the wrong. So I'm at a crossroads as to what to do. Part of me thinks I should just let it lie. If he's into me at all, he'll be in touch with me. The other part of me thinks I should give it a few days (wait until he's back from his stupid guy's weekend with his nephew and brother-in-law) and then tell him I'm sorry and I was wrong. I don't know. I really love him and I don't want to lose him. By the same token, I don't want to be in denial and waste time on a relationship where the guy isn't into me.
Goonbunny is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 10th, 2011, 01:33 AM   #2
Panda
Part Time Philosopher
 
Panda's Avatar
 
Join Date: November 16th, 2008
Posts: 2,519
Gender: Female
Status: Wondering how it could possibly get better than this
Panda has a reputation beyond reputePanda has a reputation beyond reputePanda has a reputation beyond reputePanda has a reputation beyond reputePanda has a reputation beyond reputePanda has a reputation beyond reputePanda has a reputation beyond reputePanda has a reputation beyond reputePanda has a reputation beyond reputePanda has a reputation beyond reputePanda has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: I Haven't Seen Him in A Month!

Well, what you need to do now is just forget him for the foreseeable future. He'll let you know whether he wants you in his life or not. I'm sure he's stressed. It seems like neither of you are in the right place at the right time (both emotionally and physically) to make this work, imo.

I think you're still getting over what your ex did to you - which is why you compared the two situations. This man has kids, and they are a priority. However, I find it odd that just because you make one protest against not being able to see him at all, he freaks out instead of being more patient, more understanding, especially if you've been a "saint" (by his own admission) this entire time. I'm sure some of that is due to how little time he seems to have for himself.

I can't tell you what he's thinking, doing, feeling. I don't think you were ready to deal with the consequences of him having kids, and that until you guys made a more permanent solution, that this is how it would be. This just isn't the right time for you both to be in a relationship together. No one's fault.

So leave him be and let him go. Don't text, don't call. It'll be hard, but that's what I recommend for the sanity of both of you. You WILL lose him if you push him when he doesn't want to talk, and you WILL lost him if you carry your paranoia from the past relationship into this one. Until either of those things are gone, I think it's over.
Panda is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 10th, 2011, 01:43 AM   #3
Goonbunny
New Member
 
Join Date: December 10th, 2011
Posts: 4
Gender: Female
Goonbunny is on a distinguished road
Default Re: I Haven't Seen Him in A Month!

Thank you for your response. You're right. I was thinking maybe I should just let it go and see if he contacts me at all. Maybe after the holidays things will calm down. We both are carrying baggage from previous relationships. He had a long term gf who actually lived in the house with him and his kids for three years, and when she left it hit the kids hard. So he's reluctant to have me meet them and get involved in their lives until he's sure it's going to be serious, which I agree with fully. Also, I didn't state this in my original post, but I got pregnant in the first month of our relationship and he absolutely flipped out because he could in no way possible afford another kid. I miscarried, but we've already dealt with a major issue very early on. I'd been thinking that if we managed to overcome that, we could overcome anything...but now I don't know. It's been hard on me too, it being the holidays and him being busy with his kids, and me knowing I was actually pregnant with one of his kids that he didn't want. My own family is kind of dysfunctional and we've been having family issues...it's just been a hard time for me personally...I've been very lonely. I've been needier and more emotional than normal, too.
Goonbunny is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 10th, 2011, 01:46 AM   #4
phasesofthemoon
I'm not a moderator yet?
 
phasesofthemoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: February 21st, 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 12,244
Gender: Female
Status: Happily connected for many years ! Oh, and glad I'm not a Moderator :D
phasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: I Haven't Seen Him in A Month!

How long have the two of you been dating?
How did you meet?
How long has he been divorced?
Have you ever been to his house?
Last question: You say this:
Quote:
He claims to like me, but he never ever has time for me.
if he never has time for you then how did he decide that you were:
Quote:
the sweetest girl he's ever dated, I'm practically like a saint
You don't mention much about your actual relationship and the time you do get to spend together. If the man has no time for you then what is the point of the "relationship?" Sorry I guess thats another question.
__________________
"First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!
phasesofthemoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 10th, 2011, 01:56 AM   #5
gymratski
Love Guru
 
Join Date: January 14th, 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 497
Gender: Female
Status: Taken
gymratski will become famous soon enoughgymratski will become famous soon enough
Default Re: I Haven't Seen Him in A Month!

You don't have a BF.
Who are you kidding?
Sorry, .
__________________
Worrying is the opposite of trusting God - this is why I have no wrinkles on my face.
gymratski is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 10th, 2011, 10:01 AM   #6
Goonbunny
New Member
 
Join Date: December 10th, 2011
Posts: 4
Gender: Female
Goonbunny is on a distinguished road
Default Re: I Haven't Seen Him in A Month!

We've been dating since August. We met initially on a personals site in 2010 and went on a few dates, but there were a few miscommunications (he sent me a text which dropped; I thought he wasn't interested) so things didn't get off the ground until a year and a half later when he reinitiated contact. I've been to his house many times; usually that's where we spend time. In the beginning we spent a lot more time together because his kids weren't in school so he didn't have time to make up at work. Also during the time when we first began the relationship he'd had them for nearly the whole summer so it was his ex wife's turn. He was on a kid free streak. It was basically after the kids came back that his not having time became an issue, and then it became worse when school started.

He's been divorced many years. His marriage didn't last very long at all...basically long enough to have two kids. He initiated divorce proceedings when his youngest was three months old and his oldest was just over a year. He had a long term girlfriend for about five years but that ended over two years ago now. Since then he's had a few short term relationships. I'm imagining that these relationships ended for much the same reasons ours seems to be tanking. There are issues with the ex wife and she seems to have the kids a lot less than he does. He characterizes her as a partier and this was a major factor in their divorce...he claims she was leaving them for days at a time to go party.

I guess if it's over, it's over. I really like this guy though. Wish it didn't have to be this way.
Goonbunny is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 10th, 2011, 01:34 PM   #7
foh4k
Elite Romantic
 
foh4k's Avatar
 
Join Date: September 18th, 2010
Location: State of Confusion
Posts: 8,170
Gender: Male
Status: Content, happy, and living a wonderful life
foh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: I Haven't Seen Him in A Month!

or you can accept that the kids come first. Frankly they should. Your a grown up they are not. They need the emotional support he provides.
__________________
There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.
foh4k is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 11th, 2011, 10:28 AM   #8
Goonbunny
New Member
 
Join Date: December 10th, 2011
Posts: 4
Gender: Female
Goonbunny is on a distinguished road
Default Re: I Haven't Seen Him in A Month!

I do accept that the kids come first. Where am I not accepting that? I honestly think it's a little much to ask of anyone that you not see them for two months. You can't tell me that in two months, he could not find time for me if he really cared about me. Yes, I am a grownup...but I also know what this looks like. This looks like he's just not that into me. No woman would deal with not seeing her boyfriend for two months unless he lived far away. Sure, kids come first...why does that translate to girlfriend comes dead last? Like one of the other poster said, I don't have a boyfriend. It's the holidays. Like anyone else, I'd like to spend time with the one I love and want to be with...even if it was only for a few hours on a weeknight. That would mean the entire world to me. He can't even give me that. Can't in my book translates to doesn't want to badly enough. We're talking sixty or so days here...in sixty or so days he could find one free night to see me for three hours. Come on.
Goonbunny is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 11th, 2011, 11:03 AM   #9
Carnation
Instant Breakfast
 
Carnation's Avatar
 
Join Date: July 9th, 2007
Location: A Disney Movie
Posts: 3,009
Gender: Female
Status: Married with a little one.
Carnation has a reputation beyond reputeCarnation has a reputation beyond reputeCarnation has a reputation beyond reputeCarnation has a reputation beyond reputeCarnation has a reputation beyond reputeCarnation has a reputation beyond reputeCarnation has a reputation beyond reputeCarnation has a reputation beyond reputeCarnation has a reputation beyond reputeCarnation has a reputation beyond reputeCarnation has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: I Haven't Seen Him in A Month!

You need him more, and he just can not deliver. Because of the cards dealt to him, he can not give any time to anyone else in his life. To be honest, he has his priorities in life set well in front of him, and I hate to say it, but you're not one of the tops. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be feeling the way you are! He is your boyfriend, someone you care about, and right now he can't give himself to you; It's neither his fault nor yours. Best solution is to break ties with him and find someone who can devote more into a relationship with you.
__________________
"I believe in Christ as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."
-C.S. Lewis

"Love is not an affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
-C.S. Lewis
Carnation is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 11th, 2011, 12:16 PM   #10
mike b
Casanova
 
Join Date: October 8th, 2011
Posts: 564
Gender: Male
mike b will become famous soon enoughmike b will become famous soon enough
Default Re: I Haven't Seen Him in A Month!

If there's denial going on, it's that you and he are dating. You haven't seen him since Veteran's Day, and you wouldn't see him till after New Years. That's three months without seeing each other. You and he aren't dating.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Goonbunny View Post
So I told him I saw no point in continuing this relationship and he obviously wasn't that into me. He returned that family comes first and if I can't understand that "have fun."
Good for you. You stood up for yourself. Then, he revealed his priorities. He'll have a tough time adding a family member (i.e. you or some other woman he meets) with this attitude.

The only thing you need to understand is that he's not ready to meet women.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Goonbunny View Post
I then accused him of having another girlfriend. This wasn't coming out of left field, mind you...I was in another relationship last year with similar issues and that turned out to be the problem.
Well, this was out of left field. You took an experience with another guy and applied that experience to this guy. You really had nothing to go on except insecurities from a previous relationship.
mike b is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 11th, 2011, 12:32 PM   #11
phasesofthemoon
I'm not a moderator yet?
 
phasesofthemoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: February 21st, 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 12,244
Gender: Female
Status: Happily connected for many years ! Oh, and glad I'm not a Moderator :D
phasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: I Haven't Seen Him in A Month!

Quote:
You can't tell me that in two months, he could not find time for me if he really cared about me.
That just about sums it all up, eh?
__________________
"First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!
phasesofthemoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 11th, 2011, 01:34 PM   #12
foh4k
Elite Romantic
 
foh4k's Avatar
 
Join Date: September 18th, 2010
Location: State of Confusion
Posts: 8,170
Gender: Male
Status: Content, happy, and living a wonderful life
foh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: I Haven't Seen Him in A Month!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Goonbunny View Post
You can't tell me that in two months, he could not find time for me if he really cared about me..
Kind of sums it all up right there doesn't it?

Just thought i would reinforce Phases succinct and poignant response.
__________________
There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.
foh4k is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 12th, 2011, 03:27 PM   #13
Drewcious281
St. Valentines
 
Drewcious281's Avatar
 
Join Date: March 19th, 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,609
Gender: Male
Drewcious281 is a splendid one to beholdDrewcious281 is a splendid one to beholdDrewcious281 is a splendid one to beholdDrewcious281 is a splendid one to beholdDrewcious281 is a splendid one to beholdDrewcious281 is a splendid one to beholdDrewcious281 is a splendid one to beholdDrewcious281 is a splendid one to behold
Default Re: I Haven't Seen Him in A Month!

I think most of the points have been addressed but i do agree with you. If he did really care for you and want to be with you he would find and make the time in between. As everyone has said and you already know family does come first but the relationship with someone you care about in my opinion isnt too far behind. Its a partnership and he isnt making the efforts. I would back off, dont take the blame because i dont see anything being your fault. If you do not hear from him anymore than 5 days than i would just call it quits. sure you dont want to lose him but would you rather be a sitting duck, being miserable waiting for him when you can start the healing process and meet someone that will make time and effort for you?
__________________
“If you keep doing what you’ve always done, youll keep on being what you’ve always been. Nothing changes unless you make it change”

"My name isn't Willy Wonka , I don't sugar coat shit."

"Handle every situation like a dog. If you cant eat it or chew it. Pee on it and walk away"
Drewcious281 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:13 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Contents © 2005 The Relationship Forums. All rights reserved.
A vBSkinworks Design