Members: 15,465
Threads: 38,273
Posts: 407,413
Online: 44

Newest Member: islander3788


Go Back   The Relationship Forums > The Relationship > Down in the Dumps

Notices

Down in the Dumps Breaking up is a difficult time. How does it go? Denial, Anger, acceptance? No... that's not it. Come to this forum to find out what it's really like.

Reply
Thread Tools
Unread December 4th, 2011, 01:46 PM   #1
.Advice
New Member
 
Join Date: December 4th, 2011
Posts: 7
Gender: Male
.Advice is on a distinguished road
Default My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

ive been split up with my ex for about 3 months, she left me, we lived together for 3.5 years and pretty much as soon as she left she was talking to another guy (probably was talking to him during the end of our relationship). But, for the first month after our separation we had sex multiple times while she was talking to this guy. Well now I havent seen her in about 2 months shes (officially) with him but we pretty much talk everyday besides weekends ( on agreement reasons). I put it all out there told her I know my wrongs but it takes two, that I agree we needed this space to explore new people and find out what we want in life. Find ourselves, she can see that ive changed for MYSELF but she said that she cant just run back. Told her BF that she wont cut me off or lose my number or whatever she said, don’t know the word for word. She also said if we don’t work things out we can still be friends.

So after these two months of talking I really got to know her better, now I want her even more. I built trust (something we lacked) cause of the way she opened up to me and told me things that I never knew when we were together. Skeletons came out the closet so I accepted em, I don’t care, past is the past. So if she decided to come back I told her we would know what were getting from one another. She said that she wants to see where the new guy goes first. Now im the fallback guy?, lol. Hard to take in specially after saying she still has ‘much love for me’ saying goodnight with ‘xoxo’ after it, giving me smiley faces with kisses on em lol, sounds corny but it means something. its kinda misleading me. We still got a lot of emotion for each other I feel. And we still have a bond , a history and shared life together so it makes it confusing. we’ve been through a lot, alot of sacrificing to make things work, but we never really tried to work on them. We let them build up to basically see if they would work out themselves. Never really discussed anything while we were together. Now that we’ve split up we have. So you can tell we talked about a lot of things since the break up. Got a lot of things kinda worked out. But, I asked her what she saw in me when she talks to me and she said ‘ a very good friend, who knows me more than a lot of people , i can talk and trust you’. still thinking she doesn’t want nothing to do with me relationship wise I simply replied, ‘well im not a gay friend (lol) and that’s not what I really want so I wish you the best with everything’ . She replied in kind of a mad, upset way ‘seriously? Your just not right, fine, same to you..ttyl’..

so I don’t know what to do? .probably just wait to see if she contacts me? (this incident only happen 2 days ago) any advice would be cool. Ive had sex with girls and stuff nothing committed (I told her cause she asked), just think about this chick a lot …

idk? Let her go or stick around ? Tried to much? Did I push her away? Got a lot of questions

thanks. sorry if its long

Last edited by .Advice; December 4th, 2011 at 01:51 PM..
.Advice is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 4th, 2011, 01:57 PM   #2
phasesofthemoon
I'm not a moderator yet?
 
phasesofthemoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: February 21st, 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 12,304
Gender: Female
Status: Happily connected for many years ! Oh, and glad I'm not a Moderator :D
phasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

Quote:
Originally Posted by .Advice View Post
ive been split up with my ex for about 3 months, she left me, we lived together for 3.5 years and pretty much as soon as she left she was talking to another guy (probably was talking to him during the end of our relationship). But, for the first month after our separation we had sex multiple times while she was talking to this guy. Well now I havent seen her in about 2 months shes (officially) with him but we pretty much talk everyday besides weekends ( on agreement reasons). I put it all out there told her I know my wrongs but it takes two, that I agree we needed this space to explore new people and find out what we want in life. Find ourselves, she can see that ive changed for MYSELF but she said that she cant just run back. Told her BF that she wont cut me off or lose my number or whatever she said, don’t know the word for word. She also said if we don’t work things out we can still be friends.

So after these two months of talking I really got to know her better, now I want her even more. I built trust (something we lacked) cause of the way she opened up to me and told me things that I never knew when we were together. Skeletons came out the closet so I accepted em, I don’t care, past is the past. So if she decided to come back I told her we would know what were getting from one another. She said that she wants to see where the new guy goes first. Now im the fallback guy?, lol. Hard to take in specially after saying she still has ‘much love for me’ saying goodnight with ‘xoxo’ after it, giving me smiley faces with kisses on em lol, sounds corny but it means something. its kinda misleading me. We still got a lot of emotion for each other I feel. And we still have a bond , a history and shared life together so it makes it confusing. we’ve been through a lot, alot of sacrificing to make things work, but we never really tried to work on them. We let them build up to basically see if they would work out themselves. Never really discussed anything while we were together. Now that we’ve split up we have. So you can tell we talked about a lot of things since the break up. Got a lot of things kinda worked out. But, I asked her what she saw in me when she talks to me and she said ‘ a very good friend, who knows me more than a lot of people , she can talk and trust me’. still thinking she doesn’t want nothing to do with me relationship wise I simply replied, ‘well im not a gay friend (lol) and that’s not what I really want so I wish you the best with everything’ . She replied in kind of a mad, upset way ‘seriously? Your just not right, fine, same to you..ttyl’..

so I don’t know what to do? .probably just wait to see if she contacts me? (this incident only happen 2 days ago) any advice would be cool. Ive had sex with girls and stuff nothing committed (I told her cause she asked), just think about this chick a lot …

idk? Let her go or stick around ? Tried to much? Did I push her away? Got a lot of questions

thanks. sorry if its long
... She has all the power in this "relationship" that she refers to now as "friendship." You wait for her to give you a crumb of herself while she is in a new relationship, making love with him, living her life just fine, thank you very much, while you grab on to that one little life saver she threw out to you when she told you that she's told her NEW BOYFRIEND that she won't lose your number. Big effing deal.

If you don't want to end up totally emasculated and stagnated in your pining for her, which in turn will make you unable to become vulnerable enough with anyone new to actually form any sort of bond with them, then I suggest you DO NOT contact her EVER again. That, if she contacts you, that you tell her that you're not interested in a platonic friendship with her and if she ever breaks up with lover-boy that she can give you a call then. That, if your single at the time, you'll take her out for a cup a coffee to see if it's worth pursuing with her.

Stop waiting around like a chump for someone who has left you for someone new. It's unattractive to most women when they know they have someone by the balls like she has you.

It's impossible for you to be just her friend who uses you for her emotional tampon while she lives her life with the new man so don't bother even trying. You will never be over her and her hal-assed attention that she gives you if you continue on the way you have been. She's not making any effort to be with you again. Treat yourself better and resolve not to contact her again.
__________________
"First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!
phasesofthemoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 4th, 2011, 02:12 PM   #3
.Advice
New Member
 
Join Date: December 4th, 2011
Posts: 7
Gender: Male
.Advice is on a distinguished road
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

Quote:
Originally Posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
... She has all the power in this "relationship" that she refers to now as "friendship." You wait for her to give you a crumb of herself while she is in a new relationship, making love with him, living her life just fine, thank you very much, while you grab on to that one little life saver she threw out to you when she told you that she's told her NEW BOYFRIEND that she won't lose your number. Big effing deal.

If you don't want to end up totally emasculated and stagnated in your pining for her, which in turn will make you unable to become vulnerable enough with anyone new to actually form any sort of bond with them, then I suggest you DO NOT contact her EVER again. That, if she contacts you, that you tell her that you're not interested in a platonic friendship with her and if she ever breaks up with lover-boy that she can give you a call then. That, if your single at the time, you'll take her out for a cup a coffee to see if it's worth pursuing with her.

Stop waiting around like a chump for someone who has left you for someone new. It's unattractive to most women when they know they have someone by the balls like she has you.

It's impossible for you to be just her friend who uses you for her emotional tampon while she lives her life with the new man so don't bother even trying. You will never be over her and her hal-assed attention that she gives you if you continue on the way you have been. She's not making any effort to be with you again. Treat yourself better and resolve not to contact her again.
yeah my ex hides her feelings from me so she doesnt become vulnerable for me to step in..but her staying in contact with me makes it kinda mind boggling..im not in denial i know what the situation is, and i appreciate the advice..my plan was to see if she contacts me without me waiting around..

your right im not trying to bond with any girl right now cause of certain things my ex says to me, for me to hold on, even tho she says meet new people, but then when i say i did she asks 'who! do i know her!' like she gets jealous..i feel like its all a mind game..i am having sex and all that with other chicks but your right, i have a wall up, and im just using em for sex..messed up but thats what happens when you have trouble trusting someone cause of what happen in the previous situation..

your also right about the half-assed attention she gives me..life goes on, cant expect nothing...

any other advice would be appreciated from anyone. thanks

Last edited by .Advice; December 4th, 2011 at 02:24 PM..
.Advice is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 4th, 2011, 02:26 PM   #4
foh4k
Elite Romantic
 
foh4k's Avatar
 
Join Date: September 18th, 2010
Location: State of Confusion
Posts: 8,191
Gender: Male
Status: Content, happy, and living a wonderful life
foh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

I don't understand this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by .Advice
‘well im not a gay friend (lol) and that’s not what I really want so I wish you the best with everything’ . She replied in kind of a mad, upset way ‘seriously? Your just not right, fine, same to you..ttyl’..
Your just not right because you decide to establish a boundary for yourself? She's not right because she sees it as you drawing a line in the sand and she doesn't like it. Because that way she cannot manipulate you as she has been.
__________________
There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.
foh4k is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 4th, 2011, 02:29 PM   #5
phasesofthemoon
I'm not a moderator yet?
 
phasesofthemoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: February 21st, 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 12,304
Gender: Female
Status: Happily connected for many years ! Oh, and glad I'm not a Moderator :D
phasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

Quote:
Originally Posted by .Advice View Post
yeah my ex hides her feelings from me so she doesnt become vulnerable for me to step in..
Uhm, no. She does not have romantic feelings for you for if she did, she's be with you and not the guy shes now with. You are telling yourself what you want to hear.. I won't do that and enable you to stay stagnated in wanting someone who only wants your attention and not much more.
Quote:
but her staying in contact with me makes it kinda mind boggling..im not in denial i know what the situation is, and i appreciate the advice..my plan was to see if she contacts me without me waiting around..
You are in denial as explained in my response above. Tell us, what will you do when she contacts you again? Just resume where you left off being her emotional tampon-like "gay friend" as you put it or, will you tell her not to call you again unless she's a free agent and not someone elses girlfriend?

Quote:
your right im not trying to bond with any girl right now cause of certain things my ex says to me, for me to hold on, even tho she says meet new people, but then when i say i did she asks 'who! do i know her!' like she gets jealous..
Stop being her doormat and quit listening to words that don't mean sweet bugger all. She's in a relationship with someone else. Until she's free, she has no rights to you or the right to be jealous. As long as she's not leaving him, then her jealousy is just her being selfish and wanting her cake and eating it to.
Quote:
i feel like its all a mind game..i am having sex and all that with other chicks but your right, i have a wall up, and im just using em for sex..
I hope you're being an up front guy and telling them that you just want booty and giving them the option to continue with you in that dynamic or to leave and find someone who's not hung-up on some chick who plays with his mind.
Quote:
messed up but thats what happens when you have trouble trusting someone cause of what happen in the previous situation..
You need to ball up and dump the ex. Once you're over her, you'll be more in control of such thoughts. I suggest you're no where near being ready for anything serious with anyone else while you're still in love with what was ~ at least have the decency to be honest with who you booty up with. There are too many naive and dumb women out there already that think their vagina will garner them love in return.
__________________
"First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!
phasesofthemoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 4th, 2011, 02:47 PM   #6
.Advice
New Member
 
Join Date: December 4th, 2011
Posts: 7
Gender: Male
.Advice is on a distinguished road
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

Quote:
Originally Posted by foh4k View Post
I don't understand this:



Your just not right because you decide to establish a boundary for yourself? She's not right because she sees it as you drawing a line in the sand and she doesn't like it. Because that way she cannot manipulate you as she has been.
yeah, she wants my attention..cake and eat it to..i guess..

if she contacts me and shes single, then maybe? i just wanted peoples advice, i know what my situation is just wanted to have peoples input in how she feels..idk if not contacting her is the best thing like if it'll make her think of me more, or, forget about me...either way i gotta do what i gotta do and stop thinking about her
.Advice is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 4th, 2011, 02:57 PM   #7
.Advice
New Member
 
Join Date: December 4th, 2011
Posts: 7
Gender: Male
.Advice is on a distinguished road
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

Quote:
Originally Posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
You are in denial as explained in my response above. Tell us, what will you do when she contacts you again? Just resume where you left off being her emotional tampon-like "gay friend" as you put it or, will you tell her not to call you again unless she's a free agent and not someone elses girlfriend?
i already told her im not a 'gay friend' and i wish her the best, good luck etc...so if she contacts me then she should know me being a friend isnt what i want..

it seems like she knows she cant manipulate me anymore so i dont know how shes going to react if she does at all..she says alot of misleading things, but i guess your right..she just wants the attention because no one else listens to her like i do and she wants someone who will..if her BF cant give her that and i can i dont see whats stopping her thats all ?? maybe she cant get over certain things?? so how do i address her to open up what is still hidden ?? do i ask her or see if she says it on her own, if she ever does ?? im not trying to be forceful ..

Last edited by .Advice; December 4th, 2011 at 03:06 PM..
.Advice is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 4th, 2011, 03:08 PM   #8
Paramedic275
New Member
 
Paramedic275's Avatar
 
Join Date: December 3rd, 2011
Location: Delano California
Posts: 18
Gender: Male
Status: Taken
Paramedic275 is on a distinguished road
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

Yeah man...what phase said is correct. What she is doing is wrong, simple as that. If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. She is absolutely using you as the fallback guy. Im not saying that she doesnt still have feelings...I am sure she does. When your in love with someone and you share a life with someone you are always going to have feelings that stir. As much as I strongly dislike my ex wife I still have old flames for her. But the thing is....you need to allow yourself to move on. She HAS moved on. She is with this new guy who like it or not has chosen him over you. She has all the power over you and she knows your pining away for her. So shes not all that concerned about you moving on. Shes just gonna relax with her new bf as you stir and wonder if you guys are gonna get back together. Shes got complete emotional control over you. I know this because my ex had emotional control over me.

You need to break those chains, brother. If she texts you again or tries to contact you, you need to be strong. Tell her your moving on with your life and your not going to sit there waiting for her to come back as she starts a new life with this other dude and you know what? If she does not like that, too bad. Shes moved on, so should you. Nothing drives me more crazy than people who have the mentality of, I dont want you, but no one else can have you. Dont let her do that to you. Move on, find yourself a new girl and more importantly allow yourself to get over her. That process has not even begun yet because your still banking on this relationship repairing and you guys being back together. You need to face reality, let your heart hurt for a while...and slowly move on. I am terribly sorry man, I know the pain your going through. But there is no reason to put yourself through more misery. Move on, you will thank me in a few months if you do.
Paramedic275 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 4th, 2011, 04:08 PM   #9
.Advice
New Member
 
Join Date: December 4th, 2011
Posts: 7
Gender: Male
.Advice is on a distinguished road
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paramedic275 View Post
Yeah man...what phase said is correct. What she is doing is wrong, simple as that. If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. She is absolutely using you as the fallback guy. Im not saying that she doesnt still have feelings...I am sure she does. When your in love with someone and you share a life with someone you are always going to have feelings that stir. As much as I strongly dislike my ex wife I still have old flames for her. But the thing is....you need to allow yourself to move on. She HAS moved on. She is with this new guy who like it or not has chosen him over you. She has all the power over you and she knows your pining away for her. So shes not all that concerned about you moving on. Shes just gonna relax with her new bf as you stir and wonder if you guys are gonna get back together. Shes got complete emotional control over you. I know this because my ex had emotional control over me.

You need to break those chains, brother. If she texts you again or tries to contact you, you need to be strong. Tell her your moving on with your life and your not going to sit there waiting for her to come back as she starts a new life with this other dude and you know what? If she does not like that, too bad. Shes moved on, so should you. Nothing drives me more crazy than people who have the mentality of, I dont want you, but no one else can have you. Dont let her do that to you. Move on, find yourself a new girl and more importantly allow yourself to get over her. That process has not even begun yet because your still banking on this relationship repairing and you guys being back together. You need to face reality, let your heart hurt for a while...and slowly move on. I am terribly sorry man, I know the pain your going through. But there is no reason to put yourself through more misery. Move on, you will thank me in a few months if you do.
yeah, everything u said is pretty much right...im not really in pain, ive been through that phase and accepted what happen..us talking is just misleading me and my feelings..i dont know, i just feel she went to a rebound to just TRY to see if she can live without me..but i havent been totally out of her life since we talk everyday..we just dont see each other..so maybe no contact will be the best thing for me to do, guess i feel she doesnt want me totally out of her life either (could be for the wrong reasons tho)..cause every time i tell her we shouldnt talk or whatever, she says 'it doesnt have to be like that, i wanna be able to contact you to make sure everythings ok, check up on ya, and see how everythings going, i have to be able to talk to you if i have a question or need your help'..i told her i dont see the point and she gets upset..lol its all messed up what shes doing...
.Advice is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 4th, 2011, 05:15 PM   #10
Paramedic275
New Member
 
Paramedic275's Avatar
 
Join Date: December 3rd, 2011
Location: Delano California
Posts: 18
Gender: Male
Status: Taken
Paramedic275 is on a distinguished road
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

Yeah your right it is messed up. Too bad if she wants to keep talking to see if she needs your help one day ETC. Thats bull dude. What she wants is to keep talking to you so she can keep making you think she wants you to maintain emotional control over you and to prevent you from moving on to another woman or with your life in general. As I said before...I wouldnt contact her for a while..move on with your life....ETC..maybe one day you guys can be just friends. But for now you need time away from her in every way.
Paramedic275 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 4th, 2011, 06:37 PM   #11
.Advice
New Member
 
Join Date: December 4th, 2011
Posts: 7
Gender: Male
.Advice is on a distinguished road
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

this is a looonnngggg message to reply to everyone in here and around the board in what ive read..

ive read alot of peoples posts on here about going back with your ex doesnt work..well i know alot of people who have gone back to there ex after working things out..if you just go back to someone cause of your feelings, not really talking about things and not asking yourself why do i wanna be with her?? then its just being forced on emotions..you got to understand what she wants, and if that is what you want to give to her then go for it .. gotta accept each other

if you both figure out or know what happen to cause the break up and your both on an understanding, why cant you try?? you got to show her the real you..maybe youll feel you dont love each other as much as you did but, if you still can connect, laugh have good moments and leave the past in the past then why not ?? you can re-establish your love through the bond you have..people do change, and realize the wrong and harm they have done...im just saying..dont gotta be against working on things, regardless of the situation..

girls do like confidence, and i know when she first broke up with me i told her im confident in my actions in how i can treat her..but at the same time my emotions were getting the best of me and thats the wrong thing to do..i told her i understand how i was acting and that isnt me..ever since then we talked like we used to again (regular)..but i dont want it to be a friendship thing , but i am glad we re-connected a friendship.. but now i have to get past that and try to see if theres still strong enough feelings where we can pursue a relationship..i wont let her manipulate me and i understand she gotta new man, but how can you really think she has more feelings for a dude she rushed into a relationship with after me?? maybe her feelings were gone for a while , but if she sees change and improvement from someone she always wanted it from then does that matter ?? you cant punish yourself either..gotta be strong..it takes time, u gotta respect that and we progressed alot..on a communicating level..

im not desperate nor am i expecting anything other than her being upfront...and thats what im working on, i want her to open up to me and its difficult to get a female especially an ex to show a side where she doesnt wanna show to you..its not because it isnt there its because shes afraid of what might happen, maybe fall for what your saying to fast and might be a mistake, then she'll lose everything..including who shes talking to now..cant get mad if she doesnt take a risk for you because she did leave you for a reason..also gotta understand theres a reason why we were together and dealt with some much stuff for 4 years...might not seem long but im 23 and shes 21..living together for 3.5 years is a long commitment for our age and cant play 'were young' card cause were old enough to know whats right and wrong..thats why i feel this separation isnt the worst thing to happen, sometimes gotta experience things you couldnt offer and learn from it..

if i felt there was no chance i wouldnt even talk to her..just thought id ask peoples advice cause i didnt know how to approach the situation where it isnt forced..she wants to be in contact, i just need to know how to stay in contact ???...cause she does has a BF...if i show her i got no more interest or ignore her then she'll do the same..she did leave me..winning her back isnt what i should do?? and why not??
.Advice is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 4th, 2011, 07:04 PM   #12
Sealed With A Kiss
Flirtatious
 
Sealed With A Kiss's Avatar
 
Join Date: November 17th, 2011
Location: California
Posts: 77
Gender: Female
Status: Happily in love with one pretty darn amazing man <3
Sealed With A Kiss is on a distinguished road
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

Quote:
Originally Posted by .Advice View Post
we lived together for 3.5 years

Whoa, You lived with someone for 3.5 YEARS and none of those skeletons came out of the closet during that time??

That speaks highly of what you're trying to avoid, the "were young" card.
__________________
xoxo
Lauren
------------
Sealed With A Kiss is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 4th, 2011, 07:11 PM   #13
.Advice
New Member
 
Join Date: December 4th, 2011
Posts: 7
Gender: Male
.Advice is on a distinguished road
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sealed With A Kiss View Post
Whoa, You lived with someone for 3.5 YEARS and none of those skeletons came out of the closet during that time??

That speaks highly of what you're trying to avoid, the "were young" card.
tough times, learned from it and expressed to each other..not everything was hidden..went into a relationship young came out grown...was an experience..so that makes it wrong to not wanna be with somebody that you experienced alot of things for the first time with because of certain things that happen for a reason ?? im not defending myself just see alot of people on here against trying with your ex

Last edited by .Advice; December 4th, 2011 at 07:17 PM..
.Advice is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 4th, 2011, 07:35 PM   #14
phasesofthemoon
I'm not a moderator yet?
 
phasesofthemoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: February 21st, 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 12,304
Gender: Female
Status: Happily connected for many years ! Oh, and glad I'm not a Moderator :D
phasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

Quote:
if you both figure out or know what happen to cause the break up and your both on an understanding, why cant you try??
No one is or has said you can't. You have to look at the reasons WHY we have mostly told people that they shouldn't go back, Usually it's because one is being totally manipulated and is still in love while the one who left, has moved on and is in no way still loving the other but is simply to selfish to allow the other to heal. (as in your case)

It takes TWO people to make a relationship and if those two people are on two completely different pages then the only thing we'd be accomplishing by telling an Oposter who wants to reconcile to go ahead and keep trying would be to enable him/her to stagnate in their delusional, wishful thinking.

It is particularily counter-productive to tell people who have been in dysfunctional, abusive, apathetic, or infidelities to keep on trying when neither of the parties involved in such self-esteem whittling unions, have had professional councel with marriage and personal therapists who will help them get past some heavy emotional and psychological abuse.

Quote:
she did leave me..winning her back isnt what i should do?? and why not??
You CAN NOT make someone love you and want you. They have to figure that out themselves and the only way they can do that is if you leave them the fuck alone to their own thoughts and feelings.

You'll find there isn't too many of us around here that tell people what they want to hear. If you want to hear what you want to hear then join a codependent/enabler group near you.

Best wishes in moving on from her. If she wanted you, she'd leave the dude she's with now and she'd let it be known that you're who she wants as her romantic partner (not just an emotional catch all "gay friend'.
__________________
"First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

Last edited by phasesofthemoon; December 4th, 2011 at 07:40 PM..
phasesofthemoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 4th, 2011, 08:27 PM   #15
Sealed With A Kiss
Flirtatious
 
Sealed With A Kiss's Avatar
 
Join Date: November 17th, 2011
Location: California
Posts: 77
Gender: Female
Status: Happily in love with one pretty darn amazing man <3
Sealed With A Kiss is on a distinguished road
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

Quote:
Originally Posted by .advice
tough times, learned from it and expressed to each other..not everything was hidden..went into a relationship young came out grown...was an experience..so that makes it wrong to not wanna be with somebody that you experienced alot of things for the first time with because of certain things that happen for a reason ?? im not defending myself just see alot of people on here against trying with your ex
We're not saying you necessarily shouldn't go back but there are many things you need to consider. Sometimes the best thing to do is to realize that you have learned a lot from the relationship and maybe it would be better to move on and take what you learned and apply it to a new one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by phasesofthemoon
If she wanted you, she'd leave the dude she's with now and she'd let it be known that you're who she wants as her romantic partner
I agree with this too. After everything you two have gone through and all the troubles you two have talked about and discussed and she STILL doesn't want to be with you, that is definitely saying something about what she thinks of the relationship.
__________________
xoxo
Lauren
------------
Sealed With A Kiss is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 5th, 2011, 12:32 PM   #16
Welshie
St. Valentines
 
Join Date: November 11th, 2010
Posts: 1,620
Gender: Male
Status: The most awesome mothereffer around...
Welshie has a reputation beyond reputeWelshie has a reputation beyond reputeWelshie has a reputation beyond reputeWelshie has a reputation beyond reputeWelshie has a reputation beyond reputeWelshie has a reputation beyond reputeWelshie has a reputation beyond reputeWelshie has a reputation beyond reputeWelshie has a reputation beyond reputeWelshie has a reputation beyond reputeWelshie has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

Quote:
Originally Posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
If you don't want to end up totally emasculated and stagnated in your pining for her, which in turn will make you unable to become vulnerable enough with anyone new to actually form any sort of bond with them, then I suggest you DO NOT contact her EVER again. That, if she contacts you, that you tell her that you're not interested in a platonic friendship with her and if she ever breaks up with lover-boy that she can give you a call then. That, if your single at the time, you'll take her out for a cup a coffee to see if it's worth pursuing with her.
Phases you made me spit my drink out then I laughed so hard. You're sounding exactly like Rogue!!!!!

I can't add anymore than has already been said. You are/were clearly on the hook for this girl and to her you are nothing more than bread on a shelf: hers, when she wants you.

Grow some balls and tell her you aren't interested in a platonic relationship. Why? Because you still have feelings for her so will continually want more than her and totally fuck yourself up trying to find ways into manipulating her into taking you back.

Its been said before but it needs re-iterating:

If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you
__________________
"The power in a relationship lies with whoever cares less"
Welshie is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 5th, 2011, 06:24 PM   #17
Drewcious281
St. Valentines
 
Drewcious281's Avatar
 
Join Date: March 19th, 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,609
Gender: Male
Drewcious281 is a splendid one to beholdDrewcious281 is a splendid one to beholdDrewcious281 is a splendid one to beholdDrewcious281 is a splendid one to beholdDrewcious281 is a splendid one to beholdDrewcious281 is a splendid one to beholdDrewcious281 is a splendid one to beholdDrewcious281 is a splendid one to behold
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

She wants the cake and eat it too. She probably does still have some feelings for you but has more feelings for this other guy at the moment. You are the fall back guy. Thats why she is keepinng you around as a "good friend". This never works. Ive been there before and played both sides and it never works out good in the end! Like the others said, If she wanted to be with you she would be with you but she would rather keep you on a loooong leash and tug you little by little giving you hope but she is really playing mind games with you. if i were you just leave her be. Eventually she is going to reachout to you but you need to be strong and tell her that its too ackward being friends when she is with another guy. Let her know that you want to move on and find someone that will appreciate you for you. Be strong and you will feel a release and weight off your shoulders when you have actually let her go.
__________________
“If you keep doing what you’ve always done, youll keep on being what you’ve always been. Nothing changes unless you make it change”

"My name isn't Willy Wonka , I don't sugar coat shit."

"Handle every situation like a dog. If you cant eat it or chew it. Pee on it and walk away"
Drewcious281 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 6th, 2011, 06:59 PM   #18
phasesofthemoon
I'm not a moderator yet?
 
phasesofthemoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: February 21st, 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 12,304
Gender: Female
Status: Happily connected for many years ! Oh, and glad I'm not a Moderator :D
phasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond reputephasesofthemoon has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

Quote:
Phases you made me spit my drink out then I laughed so hard. You're sounding exactly like Rogue!!!!!
haha.. but, no!

This thread wouldn't be dead yet if Rogue was advising.. His posts always evoked a slew of counters and denials.
__________________
"First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!
phasesofthemoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread December 6th, 2011, 08:45 PM   #19
foh4k
Elite Romantic
 
foh4k's Avatar
 
Join Date: September 18th, 2010
Location: State of Confusion
Posts: 8,191
Gender: Male
Status: Content, happy, and living a wonderful life
foh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond reputefoh4k has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: My ex has a new bf, were still in contact

I miss the Rogue.

Colorful that's for sure!!!
__________________
There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.
foh4k is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:23 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Contents © 2005 The Relationship Forums. All rights reserved.
A vBSkinworks Design