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Down in the Dumps Breaking up is a difficult time. How does it go? Denial, Anger, acceptance? No... that's not it. Come to this forum to find out what it's really like.

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Unread June 11th, 2011, 05:14 AM   #1
guardian
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Default The pain is unbearable...

Hi all,
Its been 2 days since i broke up with who i thought was my soul mate ,i met him at a very low point in my life and i know i felt he was my rescuer he helped me out a real dark time.We did everything together ,it felt so right ,but unfortunately circumstances and outside influences have thought otherwise.I know its over ,i know i should look forward and not dwell on the past .I am reading every self help website i can find .
I know what i need to do ,but please how do i get past this feeling of despair and what feels like physical pain???
One minute i feel ok the next i am crying in my tea,what hurts the most we didnt want to break up ,we love each other but like i say it seems good old fate/destiny thought otherwise.
I feel like i have been teased ....as in here you go this is what it could be like to be with someone who you love and they love you ,this is how a normal loving relationship should be...enjoy!!! But oh no the shite fairy has thought nope lets take it from her and it is killing me .......
I would rather have not had it than to have it for a short term ,i want to switch my brain off and stop thinking about him ,it hurts too much....please any advice .....
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Unread June 11th, 2011, 05:26 AM   #2
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Default Re: The pain is unbearable...

Welcome to the forums.

If you want a detailed response in regards to the situation, you will need to give more a detailed description about the relationship.

In light of what you have said, you are looking for a quick-term solution to heal a wound that is not tangible. This does not exist. It has only been 2 days, when the heart suffers it requires more than 2 days to recover. There are many stages of grief and how we are adapted to deal with them - research this area more which will help a lot.

Also; Going into a relationship when you or the other person is at "rock-bottom" is never a good idea and generally will never last or work out. If there are under-lying issues that you need to deal with on a personal scale, this is first priority now more than anything else.

That is where the healing process will begin.
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Unread June 11th, 2011, 05:57 AM   #3
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Default Re: The pain is unbearable...

Thanks Spurzzz,
To be honest the reason i dont go into the details its still very painful,that would mean discussing what has happened.
But basically he moved nearly 150 miles to be with me ( all his idea),however his ex wife felt this was to far ,she made it impossible for him to see his daughter,he went to the solicitors but she continued to poison the daughter,which left him heartbroken,his family also put maximum pressure on to leave me.
He has it stuck in his head that he cannot have both me and his daughter ,so i know what the forum will say ...that he just didnt love me enough,however i think he did ,he just didnt have the balls to fight.They have slowly destroyed him over the past 12 mths,it was me who broke it off .
This was for my own sanity ,i have told him not to contact me unless he can have the guts to deal with them.He has no feelings for his ex ,which he has told her numerous times.
To be honest i am hoping deepdown he does grow a set of balls ,but something tells me he wont,his family (mum mainly) has an unhealthy influence on him.
Incidently he is 32yrs and i am 36,so neither of us are naieve youngsters, i just feel so so cheated and that we know that things could have been different.

Hope this makes it any clearer.
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Unread June 11th, 2011, 12:49 PM   #4
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Default Re: The pain is unbearable...

Gaurdian

Getting into a relationship when your at rock bottom is never a good idea. You said he was your rescuer. That is completely right out of the Codependent handbook.

At the time you were rock bottom had you taken the time to work out your issues on your own it would have made you a much stronger human being. But you didn't you relied on another (who has his own set of issues) to use as a crutch to deliver you from despair.

That being said I would imagine that left an impact on him. And you. But certainly it isn't solid ground in which to start a reationship.

Now, since he did that for you and he knows it, the table is turned and he's at a rock bottom place with family and a daughter (who should come first sorry) and it would appear that your not his crutch like he was yours. That throws off the dynamic in itself. Not that he doesn't have a set of balls but even men are insecure.

So now you have a rescuer but he's not rescuing your feelings again. You have booted him.
I would read the Five Stages of Grief and work through them. ALONE.

The reality is that we all go through life with heartache and hardships. Many we place on ourselves by putting ourselves in these situations all with good intent, but we fail to see the dynamic up front and go with it because it feels good and right. Later on down the road when the honeymoon is over is when the reality strikes us in the face.

Ok, so now your in a situation and your hurt. We get that. Heartache is what brings most of the new posters to this forum. You may hear things you don't want to hear like get off the pity pot, or stop being a victim to your own thinking. But reality is that standing on your own two feet and working through your feelings and emotions without another to use as a crutch is hugely beneficial to you. maybe not tomorrow or next week but trust me the hurt dissipates, and you will come out on the other side a stronger person. But do the work alone.

A favorite saying of mine that may be applicable here if you think back to the original connection is this:

She bounced off me on her way through life looking for herself in the mirror of another.

I think that if you look into the mirror of yourself, recognize what your weaknesses are, fortify them on your own you will be a healthier person, and also be a healthier person for someone else down the road. Alas you will attract a healthier person. Its the Law of Attraction.

No one in the world doesn't come with some baggage. It's how you navigate your own baggage that makes you who you are.

There is no magic pill to take away the pain. That magic pill is your intestinal fortitude to better yourself and not worry about another.

Best of luck to you.
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Unread June 12th, 2011, 04:03 AM   #5
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Default Re: The pain is unbearable...

Thanks for your honesty,

Yes i have been looking at co-dependency books and yes its all very familiar ( unfortunately)
That is why i ended the relationship as it was clear i was getting far to hurt from it,the issues are very complex in this situation and not just about his daughter ,although yes she comes first as do my children.

In the end he wanted to be able to go back to his daughter " pretend" to be happy families at the weekend and see me in the week.

But we had been in a normal relationship for 12mths and now it had got to the point his ex was refusing all access to the child and showed signs of parental alienation.

Ths ex continued to insist that he could only have a life with his daughter if he was with her ,so yes he does need to get balls and stand up to her.

His mum supported him financially and has a huge input in his daughters life ( hence the hold she has over him)

So again he needs to stand up to his mum....

So in some aspects yes i stood by him ,but at what point do i have to stand back and leave him to decide himself???

I would have done anything for him ,but my own values and beliefs were being pushed to one side and i was not getting what i needed from the relationship,which was stability ,security and trust!!!

So yes co-dependency i agree with to an extent ,but the bit where i couldnt support him i dont ,i agree 100% putting his daughter first ,but he needs to get the strength and guts to stand up to his family and not allow himself to be emotionally blackmailed into doing things.

Yes he was insecure and i was aware of that and so was his family so they played on those insecurities and crushed him ( he was emotionally drained) and i had to watch this happen and was unable to stop it.

However i was also becoming emotionally drained and i have 2 children which i have to put first,hence why i took the decision to end it .

It was heartbreaking and still is ,i feel so cheated and know that if he was prepared to fight things would be different.

Any how ,yes i need to work on my " issues" which is very scarey ,it is far easier to look at others than to look inside yourself and not liking what you see.

Deep down i hope he does get the strength and we can work on it together,but i also know that part of breaking away from co-depency is learning to know you cannot control how other people act and feel.

One thing is confusing me is being a co-dependent being a victim of something???
Am i bad person being one or overly caring to the point of letting my own needs put to one side??
Not quite getting it do i have to apologis for being a co-dependent???

xx
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Unread June 12th, 2011, 08:27 AM   #6
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Default Re: The pain is unbearable...

Quote:
but at what point do i have to stand back and leave him to decide himself
The moment he said he would do one thing and did another was the "point" you should have noted that this man is a weak man and cannot make his own decisions. He is not strong enough to know what he wants, nor is he strong enough to make up his mind. There is a path he has not walked on yet and before he can see clearly and be strong again he must walk it. There is no room for two in this path.

Quote:
and know that if he was prepared to fight things would be different
Mumhammed Ali - Boxing all time greats once said: "My toughest fight was with my first wife."

Even if he did come back to you and left his ex wife, it still would not sort out the personal battle he has with himself. He must know what he wants and who he is. He also must heal from his wounds and gain closure from his ex wife - this tussle should not be going if he is even to think about dating someone else.

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it is far easier to look at others than to look inside yourself and not liking what you see
Well said and very true.

Take the first step, and your mind will mobilize all its forces to your aid. But the first essential is that you begin. Once the battle is startled, all that is within and without you will come to your assistance.

In regards to co-dependancy, there are other posters on here such as Phases and Foh4k who have extreme knowledge in this area and will enlighten you further if they have the chance. Alternatively, do a seacrh for co-dependency on here, there are many threads that have touched upon the subject, it is more common of an issue than one might think.
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Unread June 12th, 2011, 01:40 PM   #7
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Default Re: The pain is unbearable...

Quote:
Originally Posted by guardian View Post
Thanks for your honesty,

Yes i have been looking at co-dependency books and yes its all very familiar ( unfortunately)
That is why i ended the relationship as it was clear i was getting far to hurt from it,the issues are very complex in this situation and not just about his daughter ,although yes she comes first as do my children.
Yes it is all too familiar in many of us. But you were getting far too hurt so at some point you realized your sacrificing yourself for another. A common situation for codependents but you have a leg up you recognize it and did something about it. be proud of yourself and realize that you can do what you need to do to return to baseline so to speak.

Quote:
In the end he wanted to be able to go back to his daughter " pretend" to be happy families at the weekend and see me in the week.
Sounds as though he may have some codependency issues as well especially with the whole family struggle.

Quote:
But we had been in a normal relationship for 12mths and now it had got to the point his ex was refusing all access to the child and showed signs of parental alienation.
Ok she's a manipulative tard. With his issues I can see why she does it because she knows it will get the reaction she's looking for.

Quote:
Ths ex continued to insist that he could only have a life with his daughter if he was with her ,so yes he does need to get balls and stand up to her.

His mum supported him financially and has a huge input in his daughters life ( hence the hold she has over him)

So again he needs to stand up to his mum....

So in some aspects yes i stood by him ,but at what point do i have to stand back and leave him to decide himself???
Well you know by this that YOU have no control over another human being. he has some issues that if you step back and look at it objectively you may find not as attractive as you would like to talk yourself into.


Quote:
I would have done anything for him ,but my own values and beliefs were being pushed to one side and i was not getting what i needed from the relationship,which was stability ,security and trust!!!
Again the do anything for him is surrendering yourself for the sake of a relationship. And not a healthy one at that. But you did notice you were not getting what you needed. Bravo that's half the battle to recovery.

Quote:
So yes co-dependency i agree with to an extent ,but the bit where i couldnt support him i dont ,i agree 100% putting his daughter first ,but he needs to get the strength and guts to stand up to his family and not allow himself to be emotionally blackmailed into doing things.
And that bugs the hell out of you. You cannot change people, you cannot fix them, you can only fix and control yourself. What tools do you have that will give him the emotional strength? Use them on yourself to get yourself out of the funk of the tainted relationship. Turn that inward and fix whatever issues you may have been enlightened upon during this adventure. As you said "HE" needs to get his own strength. You cannot supply that for him nor should you.

Quote:
Yes he was insecure and i was aware of that and so was his family so they played on those insecurities and crushed him ( he was emotionally drained) and i had to watch this happen and was unable to stop it.
The weakest of the herd gets sacrificed first.

Quote:
However i was also becoming emotionally drained and i have 2 children which i have to put first,hence why i took the decision to end it .

It was heartbreaking and still is ,i feel so cheated and know that if he was prepared to fight things would be different.
Yes t is heartbreaking but down the road you will find with great clarity that it was probably your best decision. Just not today.

Quote:
Any how ,yes i need to work on my " issues" which is very scarey ,it is far easier to look at others than to look inside yourself and not liking what you see.

Deep down i hope he does get the strength and we can work on it together,but i also know that part of breaking away from co-depency is learning to know you cannot control how other people act and feel.
Your particularly lucid which bodes well in your favor for new growth. You may not be able to work on it together but think of all that energy you can use on yourself and envision the person you will be at the other end.

Quote:
One thing is confusing me is being a co-dependent being a victim of something???
Yes it is. Being a victim to yourself in a sense. These are learned behaviors. You can relearn. Look at the fine specimen of humanity i turned out to be and I was the most codependent mo' fo' out there. Ok also realize i was being facetious. I'm not perfect.

Quote:
Am i bad person being one or overly caring to the point of letting my own needs put to one side??
Only being bad to yourself. Face it everyone has the ability to care. Its what God put us on earth to do, but there is taking it too far and sacrificing yourself for the care of another. never ends well.

Quote:
Not quite getting it do i have to apologis for being a co-dependent???

xx
Maybe to yourself but do it, forgive yourself and set your course of action towards being better for you.
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Unread June 12th, 2011, 01:57 PM   #8
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Default Re: The pain is unbearable...

THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU !!!!!

Where have you people been all my life???

I hope that one day i can look back at these posts and think " what on earth was i thinking putting up with this shit???"

I know its early days and still desperately wish things were different but hopefully with the help of your advice the light at the end of this tunnel feels a little nearer ........

Thanku xxxxxxxxxxx
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