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Down in the Dumps Breaking up is a difficult time. How does it go? Denial, Anger, acceptance? No... that's not it. Come to this forum to find out what it's really like.

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Unread May 5th, 2011, 12:05 AM   #1
Glocc_Coma
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Default Girl is being distant. What to do?

I was hanging out with this girl for a couple weeks back in late February. A couple weeks later, we started having sex and hanging out regularly. I would usually stay the night. However, she was just coming out of a 2 year relationship with a guy that she had a lot of anger towards, because he cheated on her and so forth.

We continued this up until about a week and a half ago. Suddenly, it seemed as though she started being distant. I've hung with her only twice and both of those were very brief. There has been no sex, and I haven't stayed the night.

She has said in a conversation about our relationship that she didn't want to be anybody's girlfriend, but I don't understand why she would stop returning calls or texting me regularly. We always had a good time and had a girlfriend/boyfriend type relationship, without bringing up dating. Something has changed and I can't figure out what it is, although I have a couple ideas.

What should I do? I really would like her to be part of my life. I don't know if I should go no contact until time runs it's course and do my own thing, or whether I should be more aggressive and take action. Any advice?
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Unread May 5th, 2011, 03:02 AM   #2
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

She doesn't want to be your (maybe not anybody's) girlfriend, so you really need to stop trying to make her be. If you're really honest, that is what you were doing after all, isn't it? Only, you hoped that by not saying "you're my girlfriend" that would somehow make her okay with it.

She's been telling you it wouldn't last, because it wasn't what she wanted, and now it's run its course.
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Unread May 5th, 2011, 10:10 AM   #3
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

Sorry, man, but it really sounds like you were a rebound for her recent long-term relationship. She's most likely either found another person that she's interested in more seriously than she was with you, or she's just realized that she's a girl and, if attractive, girls can pretty much get out there and get all the action they want whenever they want. She probably wanted someone to feel close and connected to while she got over her emotional rollercoaster that resulted from her breakup, and now she's moving on.

It's about the worst thing to hear when you're in your situation with someone you've grown strong feelings for and are terrified doesn't feel the same way, but that's unfortunately the case. She's becoming distant because she doesn't know how else to really break it to you, or is uncomfortable having the conversation with you to say all this because she doesn't want to hurt you.

One never knows just how to go about this when they're in the situation, but you need to figure out the best way for you to move on, and it's probably going to involve cutting all contact with her. Good luck, man. Do your best to stay strong, stay busy, and keep your mind occupied with other things. Hang out with good friends, get out there to meet other girls whenever possible even if you don't feel like going out, and just go go go. It's the empty, boring time that will eat away at your soul and set you into panic/depressed mode. Keep it at bay to the best of your abilities.
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Unread May 5th, 2011, 05:03 PM   #4
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

Thanks for the opinions. I'm convinced that she doesn't want a relationship right now and doesn't want to give me that idea. She's not ready to move into a new one and probably needs time to think. I've already been clear and told her that I want her in my life. However, there are things she has done while we were in our little 'fling' that have turned me away from a relationship with her that I don't think about when I'm not with her, but do irritate me when I am. Like using the term 'we', when referring to her and her ex.

I'm not going to ask her about what she wants from me or PUSH anything right now, because I've got all of the answers that I need from her actions. This way I don't have to pressure her, as she is someone that prefers to IGNORE her problems rather than take care of them. This is evident in the fact that she continued to stay with the guy after knowing about him cheating, as well the 'space' she is creating lately.

I think the best move is to play the f*** buddy role. One of my close personal friends and somebody I look up to as a mentor in life gave me the advice 'never be afraid to ask a girl for sex'. I think this could work quite well because she used to tell me earlier on that she wants to do THIS to me and do THAT to me. You know, those texts you look at and go "Well, I think we can arrange THAT".
(trying to keep the language clean)

Has anyone started a F-Buddy relationship with someone that you would like to 'see where things go' with that could give me advice?
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Unread May 5th, 2011, 06:09 PM   #5
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

fuck buddies never really result in a relationship or rarely do. i wouldnt play the buddy role either. next time you guys talk just take control and tell her, "look i know your not looking for a relationship right now and honestly i wouldnt want to be a rebound so lets just hang out, have fun and just go with the flow with no strings attached and if all that comes out of this is a friendship than thats a bonus". ive used this before on a couple girls that were getting scared or felt rushed and this worked like a charm. if your the patient understanding dude that just wants to have a good time than they wont feel the pressure and eventually she will fall for you since now the table has turned. you gain the control back and she will be putty.
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Unread May 5th, 2011, 06:49 PM   #6
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

Drew.
I have mentioned the rebound thing to her and she said she wouldn't call it a rebound, it just happens to be the 'timing'. The thing about your post is that the relationship you are recommending is pretty much what we had to begin with. It just moved to fast and hanging out everyday and staying the night became a routine. I started to get a little to pushy and cared a little too much. Now I created the situation that I'm in, but I'm not going to convince myself that I have ruined it to the point where anything in the future would be impossible.

Part of me thinks I do need to take control. And I really do miss what I had with her. All of the good things about a relationship without the stress of dating. It's just about deciding which way to go about it. I listened to her bitch and complain about a lot of stuff so I feel as though she owes it to me to at least hear me out. I don't want to give her any type of relationship talk because I feel like thats the last thing she wants right now, but at the same time I kind of think she LIKES the drama.
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Unread May 5th, 2011, 07:17 PM   #7
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

Quote:
She has said in a conversation about our relationship that she didn't want to be anybody's girlfriend,
Just because you assumed things here doesn't mean that she was assuming the same things. This is why I tell people NOT to do relationship-bonding-type-things (like sleeping in the same bed) with someone who has told you that they do not want to be in a relatiosnip with you. When someone tells you that then take it a face value and do-not-allow-yourself-to-bond-with-them.

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but I don't understand why she would stop returning calls or texting me regularly.
Because she sees that your being assuming and you're cramping her style. She can't be single when you're there all the time (or most of the time).

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We always had a good time and had a girlfriend/boyfriend type relationship, without bringing up dating.
Doesn't matter. She told you she didn't want to be your girlfriend. You can be as girlfriendly and boyfriendy as you want.. it still doesn't negate the fact she told she she didn't want to be your girlfriend.

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Something has changed and I can't figure out what it is, although I have a couple ideas.
It doesn't matter what's changed. The fact is, you are a casual sex partner who assumed more than he should have. Get in the right frame of mind for that dynamic and if you can't then go zero contact so that you can cleanse her from your system.

By your last post you think you have all the answers now anyway.. good luck wit dat...
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Unread May 5th, 2011, 08:30 PM   #8
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

I've got control over things in a sense that I'm not feeling hurt about it. I don't need to date her in order to enjoy all of the things we had going on, and you are SO right about not sleeping in a bed together with someone that doesn't want a relationship, because it really is too bonding.

The thing of it is we had a real STRONG relationship for about a month, and then within the past couple weeks it has slowed down due to her.

If I'm not able to handle a casual relationship like this, then I'm not ready to handle a long term serious relationship. You've got to be able to respect peoples decisions. After putting some thought into it, I have come to respect the fact that she stopped leading me on when she KNEW she wasn't ready. This makes me feel like I've got a handle on things.

Phases, you're right. It DOESN'T matter what's changed. At this point, whatever I decide to do won't matter because I'll be right back in the position I'm in now if it doesn't work out.

What do you suggest I do? It's come down to one or two options.

I either be straightforward and offer sex, or I call her or meet with her and explain that I just want to hang out and have fun, like we always did, but.... no relationship shit. No pushing for one. No getting into her business. No staying the night. ... and if it goes somewhere than it does, if not, it's whatever.
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Unread May 5th, 2011, 10:29 PM   #9
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

Ahhhhhh step into the light!
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Unread May 5th, 2011, 11:24 PM   #10
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

Quote:
I either be straightforward and offer sex, or I call her or meet with her and explain that I just want to hang out and have fun, like we always did, but.... no relationship shit. No pushing for one. No getting into her business. No staying the night. ... and if it goes somewhere than it does, if not, it's whatever.
Frankly, I don't think you should do either of those things. Doing either one of those things still leaves her in the drivers seat with the majority of the power.

You should not contact her at all. Then when/if she does call you be too busy to go to her when she calls it. Re-arrange so it's when YOU decide it should be. Then, once you're finished having your romp, cuddle for briefly, wash up, get dressed and leave. Meet up at her place so that you have control over when your meeting ends. Keep it as brief as possible after you're finished schtuuping.

Then, do the same thing let her call you until next time and play it the same way again. Eventually you will wean your emotional self off of her and likely she'll become more attracted to you... ironic how that works.. or, if it doesn't make her more intrigued by your indifference at least you'll both have your sexual relationship under control sans emotional involvment. Keep your options open.. she will be.
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Unread May 5th, 2011, 11:47 PM   #11
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

to add to the above: If you can't distance yourself and get yourself in control of this by being able to go about your daily routine without longing for her, being able to be indifferent to her after having sex then I suggest that you just go zero contact. Pretending aint going to cut it for you. You have to live it. If you can't live it then you will end up in a push / pull relationship and that, sir will steal your joy.

Know yourself and what you're capable of and incapable of doing.
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Unread May 6th, 2011, 12:34 AM   #12
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

Good posts phases. I had a great thing going with her, so I texted her asking her to call me. She didn't. I tried calling her a couple times, no answer. So while I was sitting there I made myself a timeline. Thinking back to when things went from me being a priority to me being a convenience and I was able to pinpoint it. This helped me realize things for what they really were and not what i felt they were, and this goes back longer than I realized. If she calls me and wants to know what I want to talk about, then I'll tell her. If not, then fuck her, it shows where I stand. If she wants me she can come get me. I'm moving on, one way or another.
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Unread May 6th, 2011, 10:54 AM   #13
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

And if she calls don't let her come and get you.

At this juncture if she does call, its manipulation just to see if she can still use you as a pull. Have more self respect and dignity than that.
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Unread May 6th, 2011, 11:09 AM   #14
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

^^^ indeed!
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Unread May 8th, 2011, 10:11 AM   #15
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

maybe she got back with her ex, and therefore doesnt want to tell you or hurt u.
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Unread May 8th, 2011, 11:27 AM   #16
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

Maybe. Wouldn't hurt my feelings if she did, because nothing good's going to come of it for her. That's how some people are though. Once they tell someone they love them they can't let go.

What hurts me is the sudden abandonment I feel when I thought I had an awesome friend that I could count on. I take my friendships and relationships with people seriously and if I don't deserve anything else, I deserve closure. I didn't do anything but be her friend and to get the door shut on me pissed me off.
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Unread May 8th, 2011, 02:35 PM   #17
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

So your just hurt because of the way she treated you. So what? Now what?

you going to sit there and play victim? Seems to me your feelings are way hurt. And who cares what comes of her relationship? As i said so what? now what?

You couldn't count on her or you wouldn't be here. You take your relationships and friendships seriously but not everyone feels like you do. You deserve closure? Well whats stopping you from getting closure? The ultimate closure is stopping thinking, caring or giving two flying shits about what shes doing, who shes seeing, whether shes shopping with frineds, masturbating, or taking the root from another dude.

Closure comes from within you when you slam the door on anything "her."

You don't get closure from another person you close that door yourself.
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Unread May 8th, 2011, 10:58 PM   #18
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

I'm not playing a victim. It just really disappoints me. I listen to people's problems and be their crutch. Then, when I need someone to talk to, whether it be this girl or one of my friends, they're not there. Right now I'm enjoying the time by myself and trying hard to hit rock bottom so that I can only go up. The pain will make me a stronger person. What I've learned is that you should never expect much from anybody, because in the end the only people anyone cares about are themselves. Just my opinion.
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Unread May 8th, 2011, 11:00 PM   #19
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

And by the way foh4rk that's an awesome quote in your sig. So true.
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Unread May 13th, 2011, 02:23 PM   #20
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Default Re: Girl is being distant. What to do?

Well it's been almost a week and I still havn't heard from her. I saw her out and about in town a couple times. Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't even get a simple happy birthday from her. I'm convinced that she's got some type of mental disorder. I've never had anybody, ex, or otherwise, stab me in the back like this. She's failed me as a friend. She really needs someone to put her in her place. I'm not about to go out of my way, but if she ever tries to contact me again, I'm going to tell her what nobody's had the balls to tell her.
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