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Down in the Dumps Breaking up is a difficult time. How does it go? Denial, Anger, acceptance? No... that's not it. Come to this forum to find out what it's really like.

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Unread October 10th, 2010, 03:31 PM   #1
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Default How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

I live in Seattle, and that means there's a lot of clouds and rain this time of year. I went on a nice hike with some buddies a few weeks back. It was a lot of hard work. And when we got to the top of the mountain, where there should have been an amazing view of the nearby terrain, there was... nothing... it was so foggy up there that you could barely see half way down the mountain before being whited out. There were many disappointed hikers up there, complaining about this view being taken away from them, after all that arduous, hard work. As for me, as I sat on that rock, looking out at the white, and chewing on some trailmix, I was truly content. Satisfied, happy, and while I made a joke or two about the view, I didn't feel entitled to anything, or that I lost anything. It was an amazing hike, and I would do it again, even knowing about the fog at the top. Anyway, keep this story on the back burner for a bit.

Sometimes, there is an increased volume of posts having to do with one topic or another, and I like to batch up my replies in a new thread. It's just more efficient that way, ya know? Because while it's true that everyone is a unique snowflake, the more interesting truth is that when you remove the noise/content from the question, it becomes the same question.

I am about to reveal a relationship secret that people don't want you to know. There are many, many two-bit morons who're trying to sell you an e-book about how to get your ex back, and they DON'T want you to know this secret. There are many shameless spammers whose user names make it obvious that they are shameless spammers, who are relentless. Even though we have a hack in place that makes it very hard for someone to login and cross-post their spam, they will come on, post a bunch of one-liners, and BOOM, update their signatures.

What this says to me is, those people are ALREADY doing poorly in their business. Otherwise, they wouldn't have to resort to such idiotic means. I'd actually like to know how that's working out for them. But anyway, I'm sure this big secret will put all those spammers straight out of business.

So here it is, at long last. The big secret. The earth-shattering revelation. The epiphany that will change the flow of time faster than Superman throwing a fit. The big secret. How to get your ex back, simply stated:

Spoiler for How to get your ex back:
YOU DON'T!!!!
YOU MOVE THE FUCK ON!!!!


Oh I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I know you didn't want to hear that. That's why you post a question like "how do I get my ex back?" - because you want a trick. A magic pill. You want things to go back to the same shitty way they were the day before the breakup, when in reality, the only time-travel that would help, is if you went back to when you first started going out, with the same knowledge... and since that's impossible, the only reasonable answer is usually, you gotta travel FORWARD in time, to when you start going out with the next guy/girl, with all the useful knowledge and experience you've gleaned from the past.

There are just so many ways I could take this from this point on, because I know some of you are thinking, "yeah but MY situation is special/different." No it's not!

If you've only been going out for a very short time, then why even bother? Get the knowledge/experience, and move on. Feel fortunate that you got out this early.

If you've been going out for years, then I can understand that you feel there is a lot invested. That's because there IS a lot invested. And you know what? It also means the "strain" on your real-hate-shun-shit probably dates back years as well. Trust me: There is no such thing as "we were happy for 5 years, and then out of the blue, she changed, and ended it with me." Just because YOU were too self-absorbed to notice things slowly deteriorating doesn't mean she hasn't been feeling it for a long, long time. Hell, that's probably why it's over now - because you didn't pay attention to what was going on, when your partner felt like s/he was screaming it at you.

That means no amount of pathetic apologizing and letter-writing will change things. In this case, the very very best thing you can do really is to gain a deep understanding of what happened. I don't mean what happened at the last straw, that triggered her decision, but what's been happening for years now. THAT is the root of things, and you can't just ask some random people in a forum what to say to get her back, because this is SO deeply-rooted that things will continue to fall apart. You can't band-aid this.

"but but but... I LOVE her/him"... So? What does that even mean? Here's another earth-shattering revelation: Love does NOT conquer all. Also, "love" is not permanent. Finally, "love" is a nominalization. That's when you take an abstract concept (usually an emotion) and give it a label, in the form of a noun. The neat thing is, that label represents DIFFERENT things for different people. So when you say you love someone, under the hood, it means something DIFFERENT to every person in the world. That's really what makes us all different unique snowflakes. We all use the same language, yet we disagree about our interpretations on things, on a deep emotional level that is difficult to explain with spoken language. That should not be a surprise.

Your emotions towards other people, just like everything else in this world, are temporary. EVERYTHING is temporary. I know that can seem like a tough pill to swallow to some, but I really think this is a GOOD thing. Accepting and embracing the impermanence of everything is the best way to truly cherish every good moment you have in this life. And if you're clinging to this "love" for someone as a reason to live a shitty life, then that means your label of "love" is backed by all sorts of fear-of-loss type emotions. In other words, it's desperation.

"She's the only girl I can love like this"... To me, this means "she's the only girl that's ever paid attention to me!" It's a really unhealthy scarcity mindset. A lot of people think this whole "abundance mindset" thing is for the "pickup guys" to have a better attitude. And while it's definitely a useful attitude to have success in that field, I think it's a useful attitude in ALL of life's areas. If you can be truly happy, knowing that everything is impermanent, then you have an abundance mindset.

Notice that I'm not even bothering to talk about specific tricks to get over this one person. This is deep enough that it should permeate the very fabric of your being, and flow into EVERY area of your life. So instead of dwelling on how you'll never have the same thing again, realize how wonderful that is, and ask yourself, "what if this were only the beginning?" Because it's not the end result that matters - it's the process of getting there. And if you can enjoy that process, you won't have such a sense of loss when you lose it. It really is the amazing hike up the trail that matters. The view is just a bonus. It should not be the source of your happiness and validation. It should complement things nicely, but your validation should not come from the outside. Having the girl, getting the job, etc. Those things don't validate your life. Your life validates your life.

The things you need to do that "would" get your ex back, would make you into someone who doesn't WANT the ex back. That's the thing. You can't just "change" and act like you're doing it for yourself, when you secretly hope that you get that ex back. That doesn't work, because eliminating that "secret hope" IS the key to her wanting you back, and you know what? You can't fake it. I'm sure HowToGetBack sells a great product, full of ways to fake it, but the truth is, you just plain can't fake what your core beliefs and values are. It's life's fail-safe. So you might as well focus on being a better person for you, and be genuine about it. Because if you aren't genuine about it, you're only screwing yourself. Hike on, friends!
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Unread October 10th, 2010, 04:08 PM   #2
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

Why wasn't this made a sticky!?

Well said Kuky.
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Unread October 10th, 2010, 04:10 PM   #3
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

Awesome threat Kuky! I totally agree.
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Unread October 10th, 2010, 05:18 PM   #4
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kuky View Post
I'm sure HowToGetBack sells a great product, full of ways to fake it, but the truth is, you just plain can't fake what your core beliefs and values are. It's life's fail-safe. So you might as well focus on being a better person for you, and be genuine about it. Because if you aren't genuine about it, you're only screwing yourself.
To be fair to those types of product, I haven't come across any that talk about faking anything.

They preach a similar message to what you've written, expand on it a bit, and pad it out over 60 pages or whatever. And charge a fee for it, and advertise in a way that makes you think you'll get something that's somewhat more of a 'magic pill' than what you actually get.

They aren't totally devoid of merit - sitting and reading one can be excellent for giving a person some focus who would otherwise just be stewing in despair. My problem with them how they're advertised (and titled) and the inflated prices they charge, feeding on the desperate.

But maybe there are some that suggest ways of 'faking' that I haven't come across.


Still, a very good post.

How does this type of attitude affect a person who wants a long-term monogamous relationship, though? I mean, like you say, this sort of thing has to be a core element of your attitude and personality - it's not something you can switch on and off. Is it really essential that we all have this 'abundance mentality', viewing our partners as expendable? Is true and deep love just a fairytale? Or is there some point where you cross over and allow yourself some dependency?

If you maintain a genuine lack of need for someone, okay, you don't feel so much like your heart has been ripped out when it ends, but aren't you missing out on part of what is wonderful about a pair-bond?
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Unread October 10th, 2010, 11:33 PM   #5
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fusion Cuisine View Post
How does this type of attitude affect a person who wants a long-term monogamous relationship, though? I mean, like you say, this sort of thing has to be a core element of your attitude and personality - it's not something you can switch on and off. Is it really essential that we all have this 'abundance mentality', viewing our partners as expendable? Is true and deep love just a fairytale? Or is there some point where you cross over and allow yourself some dependency?
Abundance mentality isn't about viewing others as expendable. Remember, abundance does not imply indulgence. Abundance of water doesn't mean you go and drink till you burst. It just means you don't choke down some piss-water out of panic that you will die of thirst, when you know there's awesome-water right next door. Or, even if you want a solid, monogamous, long term relationship (hell, I know that's where I'm headed), you won't cling to the first girl you find, out of desperation. You won't settle for any less than what you want and deserve.

Or here's another one: rejection. People view rejection as if it were the worst possible thing ever. This is often because they're crushing over that ONE girl in class (whom they don't know anything about, might I add), and they think getting rejected by her is the end of the world. What if your interpretation of rejection is, "oh, that's okay, for every girl that rejects me, there are TWO more I can go talk to!" All of a sudden, it's not the end of the world anymore.

And getting back to monogamy: I think abundance builds BETTER relationships. I think a real solid relationship is one where the people are together because they want to be together with one another specifically, NOT when they're together out of any kind of negative dependency. Or, if you want to use jargon, the motivation for being together should be a "going towards" strategy, not a "going away from" strategy (going away from loneliness, etc.) If you can have anyone, but you CHOOSE each other, that's a lot more meaningful than if you believe in this retarded concept of "leagues" and then you settle.

Is it making more sense? It's not that people are expendable. I never said be a dick to people. But surround yourself with people you actually WANT in your life.

And true and deep love is not a fairytale, but it is ALSO not, in any way, a "dependency" - and in fact, it's not a "thing" either.

Quote:
If you maintain a genuine lack of need for someone, okay, you don't feel so much like your heart has been ripped out when it ends, but aren't you missing out on part of what is wonderful about a pair-bond?
You can feel like your heart's been ripped out, sure. It's all part of the process. Let's face it: stuff happens. You will lose loved ones in life, and bad things will happen to good people. That's a given. The only variable is, how do you respond to it? Are you learning from it, or are you dwelling on it? You're feeling pain. Great. Are you okay with that for a time being, or are you suffering from it? Cause there's a difference between feeling pain and suffering from it. Suffering is not useful.

As for lack-of-need: Your needs are air, water, food, and shelter. That is it. You will live if you have a sufficient amount of those things. I think love is important, but I don't think it should be experienced from the same point of view as a "need". I think love should come from inside, and therefore I think the statement, "I need somebody to make me happy" is a terrible mindset.
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Unread October 10th, 2010, 11:41 PM   #6
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

In short, everything dies. Get over it! Well said, Kuky.
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Unread October 11th, 2010, 12:57 AM   #7
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

Very poignant and insightful to say the least.

And auto is right, Everything dies. Even love sometimes.
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Unread October 11th, 2010, 10:27 AM   #8
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

Indeed! No matter who you are, your story ends with "...and then he died" so... make the rest of the story compelling!
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Unread October 11th, 2010, 06:53 PM   #9
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

OMG!! that was a brilliant read

Completely agree with you. The times I have tried again with my ex's it has always failed again and again. In a way it reminds me of an ornament. If it breaks once then theres no point trying to repair it since it will break again and wont be as good as when you first bought it... instead if its breaks go out and find another new 1.

I do hate them sites though that say getting your ex back means doing things like giving them time to miss you since all it does is keep them on your mind and months later you are not even over them in the slightest.

I recall 1 time (out of a few) where I did listen to some site as well as my stupid side where it took about 6 months to get over an x. I waited pretty much all that time until at the end I couldnt take it no more and saw sence. It was a horrible experience. We met up once a month if that. She had 2 or 3 other relationships in that time. 1 day she would ignore my txts and then all of a sudden start texting me again. There would be excuses (lies) why she couldnt meet. As soon as I started getting over her at the end of thoese 6 months I turned very bitter about it (no suprise), we had a massive fallout and not 1 bit of contact has been made since.

Moving on and forgetting about them once the relationship ends the 1st time is the way forwards
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Unread December 6th, 2010, 02:24 AM   #10
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

Brilliant! Even I was in the "My situation is different" phase, but now after two weeks, I feel it is not that different.

Thousands of guys have gone through the same thing before, and the best thing to do is to move on.
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Unread January 6th, 2011, 05:55 PM   #11
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

i agree, i used to tell myself...but since i got on this forum, (last night if i may add) i learned a few things very fast. and even though my brain wants me to think i need this girl a lot. truely it WAS an act of desperation. i admit, i was and maybe still am the kind of guy that will cling to someone..but i'm trying to better myself, as i've been suggested to do so i want nothing else but to truely be a better person and more positive. great thanks to the wise people on this forum.
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Unread January 6th, 2011, 08:46 PM   #12
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

the to talk or not to talk thing really is the question. or how long is approriate to wait. im trying to win back my ex right now and thats what im having trouble with. its only been a couple days so i know i ahve to wait longer to not seem needy but how long is long enough?

all those sights tell you to break cotnact break contact break contact. although you dont want to attack them with texts and calls and seem desperate, if you never contatc them how can you ever initiate working it out? how can you assume you would be on their mind if you dotn put yourself there.

frustrating...
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Unread January 6th, 2011, 08:54 PM   #13
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

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all those sights tell you to break cotnact break contact break contact. although you dont want to attack them with texts and calls and seem desperate, if you never contatc them how can you ever initiate working it out? how can you assume you would be on their mind if you dotn put yourself there.

frustrating...
Thats the idea

You don't want to PUT YOURSELF there. The time is a time for both of you to look inward and see what you can change about yourself. if it didn't work out and you have broken up the idea is to spend a lot of time thinking about you. If you are both actively involved in working on you, WHEN the time comes that your in a healthier better place, then the reconnection will happen naturally without any prearranged contact date. It will just happen when it's time. It's natures way. It's also natures way that you never see each other again.

Why would you want to assume your on their mind? The idea is to be thinking about you, not them, and certainly not you in their mind. It's their mind why would you want to force yourself in there?

if you broke up there's a pretty good chance that you need to work on yourselves, SEPARATELY or there will not be a good "us" to work on in the first place.

I am thinking from your post your kind of controlling. Maybe that's something to work on. I only say that because you say

Quote:
how can you assume you would be on their mind if you dotn put yourself there.
Why would you want to force yourself into someones mind. Kind of selfish isn't it?
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Unread January 6th, 2011, 10:10 PM   #14
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

Quote:
Originally Posted by oneflower22 View Post
the to talk or not to talk thing really is the question. or how long is approriate to wait. im trying to win back my ex right now and thats what im having trouble with. its only been a couple days so i know i ahve to wait longer to not seem needy but how long is long enough?

all those sights tell you to break cotnact break contact break contact. although you dont want to attack them with texts and calls and seem desperate, if you never contatc them how can you ever initiate working it out? how can you assume you would be on their mind if you dotn put yourself there.

frustrating...
Rather selfish of you to assume yourself back into his life by trying to make him love you, NO? Particularily if he is the one that broke up with you.

Quietly grieve on your own and if he thinks he made a mistake, he'll contact you. Don't wait around hoping and praying he will initiate a reconciliation.. Best case scenerio is to assume he will not and eventually you'll become indifferent whether he does or he doesn't and you'll then be ready and open to finding someone who does want you without jeapardizing the new relationship with thoughts of love for the one that left you.
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Unread January 6th, 2011, 11:11 PM   #15
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

Quote:
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im trying to win back my ex right now and thats what im having trouble with. its only been a couple days so i know i ahve to wait longer to not seem needy but how long is long enough?
maybe you didn't read the thread you're posting in.
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Unread January 8th, 2011, 05:42 PM   #16
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

Quote:
Originally Posted by oneflower22 View Post
the to talk or not to talk thing really is the question. or how long is approriate to wait. im trying to win back my ex right now and thats what im having trouble with. its only been a couple days so i know i ahve to wait longer to not seem needy but how long is long enough?

all those sights tell you to break cotnact break contact break contact. although you dont want to attack them with texts and calls and seem desperate, if you never contatc them how can you ever initiate working it out? how can you assume you would be on their mind if you dotn put yourself there.

frustrating...

Back in 2008, my boyfriend of three plus years abruptly ended our relationship. I can honestly credit the break-up to my insecurities, stubbornness and my tendency to be a bit bossy and controlling. Knowing this, coupled with his request to remain friends, intensified the hurt I was feeling beyond belief. I was devastated. When I wasn't crying and pitying myself, I was laying lifelessly under my covers growing more and more solitary everyday. Two weeks later he gave me one of his routine "we're still good friends" calls and we started catching up. I found out he was dating someone else; someone he'd befriended a couple of months before our demise, someone who was an estranged ex from his distant past. It killed me. I fell apart until there was nothing left to do but to pick it all up again.

I stopped answering his phone calls. I tried to keep myself as occupied as possible, picking up whatever new hobbies and interests that I could. I read a lot of self-help books to help with whatever inner problems I felt I had and focused a lot on bettering myself. I became more social and outgoing, even discovering a new romantic interest along the way. I officially began dating this new interest and was moving on with my life. Granted this person wasn't nearly as compatible with me as my ex, but he made me happy. Then we started having problems. He was very insecure and needed constant reassurance of my affections for him. It just so happened that my ex was also experiencing altercations with his new romance around that same time. We hadn't spoken in months so when he called me, out of surprise and curiosity, I answered. He was reaching out to confide in me and luckily I'd reached a point where I could be there for him without dwelling on past emotions or occurrences. So I listened and tried to aid him as a true friend (not an ex pretending to be a friend) would. Long story short my 2-month relationship ended up not working out (we still remain very good friends) and my ex ended things with his retarded girlfriend (they no longer speak) of 3 or so months. A couple of months after THAT, he and I ended up getting back together and 3 years later we're still very much in love & living together.

Basically what I'm saying is that the author of this thread is entirely right. More times than none you can't get an ex back. There's no sure-fire method or trick to do it. And the rare times when it does happen, the timing has to be right and so does your mentality. You can't be the same person you were when the break up occurred. If you are, maybe you'll get that person back, but you'll very easily lose them again. So to answer your question, the sites are right. You have to make a clean break. No more contacting this person especially not to discuss the break-up or the relationship. End all means of communication and start pushing forward. You can't waste your life wondering and waiting for the right time to call, text, email or what have you. Because you will NEVER know when or if things will go the way you're hoping they will right now. Or if after the initial shock of the break-up is gone, your feelings will change and you'll realize that it's not what you really want.

I'm entirely too long-winded. Sorry. Hope I got my point across though lol
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Unread February 9th, 2011, 01:13 AM   #17
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

You should have blown something else and you wouldn't have had to win him back at all. O_o
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Unread February 17th, 2011, 07:44 AM   #18
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

Please do not go for any of such guide. No tip or book works in real life specially when it comes to getting ex back.
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Unread February 17th, 2011, 07:44 AM   #19
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

my words may sound little bitter, but thats true
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Unread February 17th, 2011, 08:14 AM   #20
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Default Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

Angel, did you actually read the guide or just the title. Because it doesnt sound like you did. To summarise Kuky's excellent post:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kuky View Post
So here it is, at long last. The big secret. The earth-shattering revelation. The epiphany that will change the flow of time faster than Superman throwing a fit. The big secret. How to get your ex back, simply stated:

Spoiler for How to get your ex back:
YOU DON'T!!!!
YOU MOVE THE FUCK ON!!!!

Kuky is right, you can only move forward in time, and even if you started dating again its not like when you first met....in my case i'd always have on my mind that she treated me really badly, and dumped me over a text message at a time I really needed her. That will never go away and for that reason alone, I could never let her in like I did before.

Sure, some people make up, but if its meant to be its meant to be.
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