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Down in the Dumps Breaking up is a difficult time. How does it go? Denial, Anger, acceptance? No... that's not it. Come to this forum to find out what it's really like.

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Unread August 20th, 2010, 01:17 AM   #1
Mandarin27
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Default I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

Hello, I'm 24 years old and I need some advice...

I was in a 5 year old relationship until she left me, 2 months after that she asked me to try again and I accepted, we were together for SIX DAYS! and she disappeared. She came online 10 days later telling me that she didn't want to see me/chat with me/text me/talk to me, etc because we were going to be together back and forth and she didn't want that, and she asked me to delete her from facebook, messenger, etc.
I told her to do that herself since she was the one who wanted that, and so she did after a day.

We didn't contact each other for 8 months, not even once, and now she's with a guy (I bet my pants it's a rebound relationship).
After those 8 months I texted her to get my bike back, so I went to her building and we met outside, as soon as she saw me tears started to drop from her eyes and I was very confused, I just asked her if she was ok and she only replied "yes, sorry".
I asked her about her family and stuff and she started to cry again, so I grabbed my bike, waited until she calmed down and said "take care" and left (and started to cry a block away lol).

2 days after that I texted her asking if she was ok and she told me that it was strange to see me and talk to me again, and she thought I was going to ignore her that day because of what she did to me and that she deserved it , I told her I had no hard feelings, that it'd be unfair to only keep that last thing of a 5 year relationship that was so sweet, that I wasn't mad and I never were, and she said she was happy to know that.

And that's all, a month has passed since then and I miss her a lot, I followed the No Contact rule for 8 months and I didn't drunk dial her or anything stupid, but I'm starting to feel it's time to do something about it, I'm not very sure what, that's why I'm asking for advice, maybe I should move on but I still feel there's something I can do to get her back, I love her.

About her bf: her facebook only says "has a relationship" and she has no photos with the guy, which is not common for her, that makes me think he's a rebound relationship and not more than that, but once again, I'm not the expert.

Thanks!
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Unread August 20th, 2010, 03:05 AM   #2
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Default Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

Quote:
Hello, I'm 24 years old and I need some advice...

I was in a 5 year old relationship until she left me, 2 months after that she asked me to try again and I accepted, we were together for SIX DAYS! and she disappeared. She came online 10 days later telling me that she didn't want to see me/chat with me/text me/talk to me, etc because we were going to be together back and forth and she didn't want that, and she asked me to delete her from facebook, messenger, etc.
I told her to do that herself since she was the one who wanted that, and so she did after a day.

We didn't contact each other for 8 months, not even once, and now she's with a guy (I bet my pants it's a rebound relationship).
After those 8 months I texted her to get my bike back, so I went to her building and we met outside, as soon as she saw me tears started to drop from her eyes and I was very confused, I just asked her if she was ok and she only replied "yes, sorry".
I asked her about her family and stuff and she started to cry again, so I grabbed my bike, waited until she calmed down and said "take care" and left (and started to cry a block away lol).

2 days after that I texted her asking if she was ok and she told me that it was strange to see me and talk to me again, and she thought I was going to ignore her that day because of what she did to me and that she deserved it , I told her I had no hard feelings, that it'd be unfair to only keep that last thing of a 5 year relationship that was so sweet, that I wasn't mad and I never were, and she said she was happy to know that.

And that's all, a month has passed since then and I miss her a lot, I followed the No Contact rule for 8 months and I didn't drunk dial her or anything stupid, but I'm starting to feel it's time to do something about it, I'm not very sure what, that's why I'm asking for advice, maybe I should move on but I still feel there's something I can do to get her back, I love her.

About her bf: her facebook only says "has a relationship" and she has no photos with the guy, which is not common for her, that makes me think he's a rebound relationship and not more than that, but once again, I'm not the expert.

Thanks!
You sir, should move on.
Collectively its been 9 months since you broke up, thats 3/4 of a year.

You're having these strong feelings because you were together for a very long time. Have you had any encounters with other girls during this 9 months? No? Its time to get back on the horse and dig in your spurs and go for a ride.

She didn't go into detail with you about why she was teary other then it was weird talking to you, I don't see that it would work again if you got back with her, you tried that once and it lasted 6 days.
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Unread August 20th, 2010, 11:55 AM   #3
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Default Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

How do you know her privacy settings on facebook don't just blot out all pictures he took of them together, etc.? The point is, facebook-based deductions are not very reliable.

Why did it end?
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Unread August 20th, 2010, 01:20 PM   #4
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Default Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

Quote:
Originally Posted by OvershareDude View Post
had any encounters with other girls during this 9 months? No?
Yes

Quote:
Originally Posted by OvershareDude View Post
She didn't go into detail with you about why she was teary other then it was weird talking to you
I didn't expect more, in fact I expected less when went there, that's why the tears surprised me

Quote:
Originally Posted by OvershareDude View Post
I don't see that it would work again if you got back with her, you tried that once and it lasted 6 days.
After 2 months (where we saw each other even while we weren't together) and a lot of time has passed now, things could be different, hell I am different now.

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Originally Posted by Kuky View Post
How do you know her privacy settings on facebook don't just blot out all pictures he took of them together, etc.?
I don't have her in Facebook, 3 different people who have her told me that (and they're her friends, not mine).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kuky View Post
Why did it end?
She said she didn't feel in love like during the first months of our relationship (honeymoon period) and she wanted to feel like that all the time (utopia?).

Thanks for the support! (even the rusty old "move on").
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Unread August 20th, 2010, 01:37 PM   #5
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Generic Post Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

Hi Mandrin - from a fellow sufferer as it were.

I get the impression from what you write that being fair, both of you have been confused about what you want. I also get the impression that for better or for worse she is currently involved elsewhere.

Try looking at it this way. Suppose she disposes of this involvement and comes back to you. Imagine how it would feel after the gloss had worn off. Would you not be thinking at the back of your mind, "Now how long is it going to be before she dumps me again?" How long do you want that cloud hanging over you?

I'm really awful at saying goodbye, I hate it, I really do, believe me I do understand, but both of you deserve better than more pain. She has made her choice. My advice for what it's worth is to let go of her. Try and think of the person she is now as a changed person, someone else from the person you knew, and even of yourself as changed from the person who first met her. I think you know deep down in your heart that you and her don't fit together any more.
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Unread September 6th, 2010, 03:32 AM   #6
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Default Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

I still miss her...
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Unread September 6th, 2010, 04:33 AM   #7
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Default Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

Getting over someone isn't a quick fix, it will hurt and it will take a while.

How has your progress been?
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Unread September 7th, 2010, 12:27 AM   #8
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Default Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

Well...I haven't contacted her...
I don't feel I should do that since she's the one who dumped me, even if I miss her, what would I say to her? "hey, remember I'm here in case you need a bf!"??????
She might never (ever) contact me but I think that's what should happen, if we're meant to be together, she will come to me...

Also, I'm trying to be better than I was when I was with her, I've been interviewed for a couple of (very well paid and important) jobs, I'm still losing weight and I'm working on my image, but not for her, I'm doing it for me...I needed this and I left it aside for taking care of her, which ironically made her break up with me.
I've been going out with friends and having fun nights, I've been dating other girls and meeting new people.

Even while I still don't buy her new life (I'm certain her sand castle will crumble, just a matter of time) she's with another guy and I have the feeling they won't be together for a long time.
I just think it's not the time to re-meet and talk to each other, It will happen if it has to (I love my Zen books ) and if it doesn't, I'll be a much better and new version of myself anyway...it hurts to see how this year passed by with only one 5 minute contact only (where she cried) but this is how things turned out, even if I miss her like crazy, things take time and I'm letting time settle things.

Opinions are more than welcome

Last edited by Mandarin27; September 7th, 2010 at 12:32 AM.. Reason: Corrections, etc.
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Unread September 7th, 2010, 12:31 AM   #9
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Default Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

Wow, thats some of the most awesome progress I've heard after a breakup.

The fact you are doing it for YOU is the most important thing you could be doing, and you aren't doing it to win her back.
If you were meant to be with her you wouldn't have broken up.

Quote:
Even while I still don't buy her new life (I'm certain her sand castle will crumble, just a matter of time) she's with another guy and I have the feeling they won't be together for a long time.
Don't go thinking like this, what's funny is when you're wrong.
My girl and I were classed in this "they won't last, she's just a rebound" and they were wrong as all hell. Its been over 5 years and we're building a house together.
My Aunt gave my parents marriage a 6 month expiry date, my parents just past 33 years last month.

You should stop thinking of her and worrying what becomes of her, you're becoming a better person for the breakup and thats fantastic
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Unread September 17th, 2010, 02:42 AM   #10
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Default Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

If someone tells you over and over again that they don't want you back, then don't. No point in putting a lot of energy in it because it'll just wear you down. In the end, it won't be worth it.

We congratulate you for not acting like a desperate person. Even on the first paragraph when you said you told your ex that she should be the one to delete her FB from your friends list because she's the one who decided to do it. :-)

Live your life the way you want it.
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Unread September 26th, 2010, 04:52 AM   #11
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Sad Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

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If someone tells you over and over again that they don't want you back, then don't. No point in putting a lot of energy in it because it'll just wear you down. In the end, it won't be worth it.
I agree, but It's been almost a year since we broke up and I never called her, texted her or anything to tell her I missed her, not even to say hi, not even for christmas or new year....not even for her birthday...

I only contacted her to get my bike back and she cried when we saw each other after 8 months, I acted calm and cried after I left her place because I was very confused...

Almost a year has passed now, and I still feel very very sad after a night of fun with friends and drinks, I just miss her so much....
But I don't feel like drunk dialing her or acting desperate or beg for an oportunity like most of people do, I just know that's not right...I respect myself.

I know people who'd like to see their ex's very unhappy and sad because they left them, I think that's not love...I want her to be happy and successful, even if it's without me...I love her, I'd never hurt her or wish bad things for her.

I just miss her so much...
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Unread September 26th, 2010, 08:52 AM   #12
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Default Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

To the OP,

It is understandable for feeling the pain after being in a long relationship with someone and then this person wanting to leave the relationship. It seems to me that you have been thinking about her and dwelling on the past and memories you have had with her and that is probably what is making you feel the pain and missing her. If she has not contacted you in this long, then perhaps you need to start trying to move on.

I think that is great you went out with friends. Maybe try to start getting involved in activities you enjoy if you have not done already. Like one of the posters said, start living the way you want, but try not to dwell on her and the memories, this only prolongs your pain and missing her very much. Hang in there.
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Unread September 26th, 2010, 10:34 AM   #13
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Default Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

To the OP:

Memories are tough. We all want to remember the good ones. It's the good ones we cling to. It's the good ones that keep us mired in sadness too. Memories of what was fun and vital. Memories of dreams shared and plans made together. Now those memories are held by just one. You. It's very tough I can relate.

The one point that I commend you for and in a sense are a little jealous is that you are doing everything for you. Most of us don't get there that fast and you are doing an excellent job. You should be proud. I can relate to missing her we all miss our exes to a certain degree and for a certain amount of time. That time frame is different for everyone.

Some of us cling to great memories and the vision of what you dreamed of with this person. In my case I was in an extremely toxic relationship. VERY toxic. Yet I still remember the person i fell in love with not the person she became. When I think of the person she became it makes it much easier to let go because those trigger BAD memories. She was an emotional wreck and an emotional cripple.

We had a great relationship but her past issues of Daddy abandonment, her three divorces, her string of ex lovers and ex friends she pushed away all helped me to realize that she was a very messed up person with a need for some professional help both emotionally AND spiritually. She was always angry and proclaimed regularly she "didn't like people."

So that being said it's hard to let go of the person you fell for and loved in the limerence stage of the relationship but when you focus on the person they were at the end sometimes it gets easier. Because the person I fell for was not the person that dumped me while she ran off to a new relationship. I was just a rebound, from her previous two, from her last divorce and on and on and on you get the picture?

It's hard but you can do it and you have made excellent progress don't turn around now.

I wish I could have the same resolve as you my friend your doing great!!
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Unread September 26th, 2010, 12:28 PM   #14
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Default Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

I can't thank you enough for your kind words, you all deserve a cookie, thanks for the support and I'll be updating soon...

foh4k: hang in there buddy, you're not alone
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Unread October 2nd, 2010, 08:38 PM   #15
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Default Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

UPDATE

Last night I had sex with an old friend of mine (we never did more than friends stuff) and somehow, I felt I'm still emotionally attached to my ex because I need closure...
I'm thinking about getting it, don't know how but I will...

I'll keep you posted
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Unread October 2nd, 2010, 09:06 PM   #16
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Default Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

Closure Schmosure. You can get your closure by closing the door.

So was she any good?
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Unread October 2nd, 2010, 09:46 PM   #17
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Default Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

I know what I have to do...I'll just do it.

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So was she any good?
It was ok I guess, I'm not fond of sex without love...kinda bores me

How are you foh4k?
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Unread October 3rd, 2010, 12:54 AM   #18
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Default Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

Well Mandy,

i'm struggling myself with a break up so I'm in the same boat as you. Albeit after the fact I realized that there's a psychological issue at hand with mine but she still split to take on another guy which is really part of her illness so it's been easier since finding out that information.

But all in all I have a great life, great job, brand new home I just moved into this week, I got my sanity, I have my self respect back, I have a nice car and an even nicer Harley and God has blessed me with much to be thankful for. I just don't have the girl I fell for. But then by the end she wasn't the girl I met.
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Unread October 3rd, 2010, 02:04 AM   #19
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Default Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

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I just don't have the girl I fell for. But then by the end she wasn't the girl I met.
I loved this.

Glad to know you're doing great, I'm hanging in there...
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Unread October 4th, 2010, 02:17 PM   #20
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Default Re: I want to get back in touch with my ex to get her back, but don't know how to...

wow im gettin in on this shiz late!! Hey mandarin. Im going through some crazy shit too if you read my thread on my ex in a car accident. I ended it cause i had too even though i didnt want to. 3 months later i sure missed her but knew i needed to let go cause it was whats smart for me. but..when she begged me back couple mondays ago it screwed me up all over again especially what happened after.

I understand your dilemah. There is always that one that was dear and deep to the heart. Her excuse for ending it though is so pussy. people can always rekindle that love and newness if they BOTH work hard at it. she was too lazy to try therfore it was not your fault one bit. THere is nothing wrong with you missing her and if you truly feel you need closure than go and get it but there is no gurantee it will be what you want... i need certain closure with my ex but things are so fuked up for her in her head and personal life there is no way i will get the closure i want so im just accepting it and letting go as i was before she begged me back.

Now honestly if you do meet with her and try recommeding to her to grab some coffee or somewhere chill to chat. when you meet up be as positive, mature and respectful as possible. alot of time has passed but you want to leave a good impression and a lasting one for her to think about. perhaps you will get a second chance since nothing truly tragic happened to end it, just her lazyness to work at keeping the spark and you would have to make sure that doesnt happen again. keep us posted.
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