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The Long Haul Are you past the flirting and dating stage? Wondering if there's life after 6 months with the same person? If you're in a serious long term relationship, this is your one-stop shop for questions and answers.

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Unread August 10th, 2010, 01:43 PM   #1
crispa58
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Default G/f kissed another guy, extremely heartbroken, but beginning to forgive her, Need adv

Hi everyone. So I've been in a relationship with my gf for almost 4 years now. I always thought we were perfect for one another. We had talked about marriage, once our careers were more settled and each of us were done college. She's a really sweet and nice girl, with conservative parents who dont let her stay out very late and are still very protective of her. Bc of that shes never gotten drunk, or gone even clubbing without me. Three weeks ago she went on a trip with one of her girlfriends to montreal for a week (this was the fist time ever she was allowed outta the house.) Initially I was suppose to go on the trip, but due to school, and cuz I wanted her to experience life outside of her house, our city, and just enjoy living away from home for the first time...i backed out

So they started planning for the trip, and a guy she fooled around with in highschool (5 years ago) lived on campus at Concordia uni. This lowlife piece of shit still kept in contact with her and was really good friends with the gf's friend....so they decided that instead of spending money at a hotel, theyd crash at his place. My gf told me all the details pretty much as to what she was going to do there, whered she stay, and etc (again shes not a party girl or a drinker, and I truly trusted her with all my heart.) I knew she was going to be staying with some past fling, and looking in retrospect I dont know what I was thinking....but i trusted this girl more than I trust myself.

On the last day before she was coming back, when her friend went to take a shower, it was just my gf and this guy alone. The guy had told her he liked her and she said nothing could happen and she gave him a hug. He went in for the kiss and she kissed him back and did not pull back. When my gf got back from the trip she told me 3 days after. After they kissed, she said nothing could happen, he apologized to her...That night was the only night she was planning on going clubbing. That same guy had tagged along with the girls. So like i said earlier, she doesnt drink, but this night the same guy had baught her two drinks and she accepted it. Nothing had happened after that, but this is driving me crazy. She first kissed the guy, went clubbing with him, accepted his drinks (and its obvious why that lowlife was buying her drinks) and then she comes back initally telling me how amazing the trip was. But then on the third day back, she breaks down and weeps and confesses to everything.

Shes constantly been calling me and trying to get me to forgive her. I REALLY want to forgive her, bc i love her with all my heart, and im just in complete and utter shock. I never in my nightmares could have imagined she would ever do something like this to me. Shes my best friend and normally anytime something happens, shes the first person I tell. I dont want to tell any of my other friends about this cuz firstly I dont want ppl to think negatively about her, and secondly I feel so ashamed. Thats why i've come on here to post what has happened and hopefully get ur opinions.

I've spent a lot of time on the phone with her and am now beginning to come to grips and pick myself back up. I want our relationship to work, but every little thing just gets to start thinking of what transpired and how I can ever be the same again. I know time heals all, but I'm really hoping someone here has experienced something that Im going through and has a happy ending to it all.

Thanks for reading my long post, I would truly appreciate any help.
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Unread August 10th, 2010, 03:14 PM   #2
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Default Re: G/f kissed another guy, extremely heartbroken, but beginning to forgive her, Need

Just get over it it's only a kiss and it sounded mostly accidental. It would hurt a bit but if it's only her first mistake make her sweat for a bit as you have then forgive her. Be warned though this sounds a bit like she is frustrated about being over protected by her parents and possibly you and for a moment the "bad guy" appealed to her. Perhaps work on appearing a bit more dangerous or at least adventurous.
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Unread August 10th, 2010, 03:43 PM   #3
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Default Re: G/f kissed another guy, extremely heartbroken, but beginning to forgive her, Need

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Shes constantly been calling me and trying to get me to forgive her.
May I suggest that you don't do what sonny says for too much longer. If you're not finished with her, (if it wasn't a total deal breaker) then I suggest you get on with forgiving her. The longer you punish her, the more reluctant she will be to tell you "everything" and the truth in future.

The "punishment" should never outweight the crime.. goes for mis-behaving children and partners, IMO.

In otherwords. If you want her.. then stop the crap and get on with forgiving. I think she realizes by now she crossed a boundary and she feels remorse.
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Unread August 10th, 2010, 04:39 PM   #4
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Default Re: G/f kissed another guy, extremely heartbroken, but beginning to forgive her, Need

Is this even a question? If you truly ever loved her, then you would forgive her for such a small mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. And if you can't forgive for this one, then I don't think you ever even loved her.


Forgive her, forget about this, and live life happily ever after.
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Unread August 10th, 2010, 05:03 PM   #5
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Default Re: G/f kissed another guy, extremely heartbroken, but beginning to forgive her, Need

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Originally Posted by crispa58 View Post
Hi everyone. So I've been in a relationship with my gf for almost 4 years now. I always thought we were perfect for one another. We had talked about marriage, once our careers were more settled and each of us were done college. She's a really sweet and nice girl, with conservative parents who dont let her stay out very late and are still very protective of her. Bc of that shes never gotten drunk, or gone even clubbing without me. Three weeks ago she went on a trip with one of her girlfriends to montreal for a week (this was the fist time ever she was allowed outta the house.) Initially I was suppose to go on the trip, but due to school, and cuz I wanted her to experience life outside of her house, our city, and just enjoy living away from home for the first time...i backed out

So they started planning for the trip, and a guy she fooled around with in highschool (5 years ago) lived on campus at Concordia uni. This lowlife piece of shit still kept in contact with her and was really good friends with the gf's friend....so they decided that instead of spending money at a hotel, theyd crash at his place. My gf told me all the details pretty much as to what she was going to do there, whered she stay, and etc (again shes not a party girl or a drinker, and I truly trusted her with all my heart.) I knew she was going to be staying with some past fling, and looking in retrospect I dont know what I was thinking....but i trusted this girl more than I trust myself.

On the last day before she was coming back, when her friend went to take a shower, it was just my gf and this guy alone. The guy had told her he liked her and she said nothing could happen and she gave him a hug. He went in for the kiss and she kissed him back and did not pull back. When my gf got back from the trip she told me 3 days after. After they kissed, she said nothing could happen, he apologized to her...That night was the only night she was planning on going clubbing. That same guy had tagged along with the girls. So like i said earlier, she doesnt drink, but this night the same guy had baught her two drinks and she accepted it. Nothing had happened after that, but this is driving me crazy. She first kissed the guy, went clubbing with him, accepted his drinks (and its obvious why that lowlife was buying her drinks) and then she comes back initally telling me how amazing the trip was. But then on the third day back, she breaks down and weeps and confesses to everything.

Shes constantly been calling me and trying to get me to forgive her. I REALLY want to forgive her, bc i love her with all my heart, and im just in complete and utter shock. I never in my nightmares could have imagined she would ever do something like this to me. Shes my best friend and normally anytime something happens, shes the first person I tell. I dont want to tell any of my other friends about this cuz firstly I dont want ppl to think negatively about her, and secondly I feel so ashamed. Thats why i've come on here to post what has happened and hopefully get ur opinions.

I've spent a lot of time on the phone with her and am now beginning to come to grips and pick myself back up. I want our relationship to work, but every little thing just gets to start thinking of what transpired and how I can ever be the same again. I know time heals all, but I'm really hoping someone here has experienced something that Im going through and has a happy ending to it all.

Thanks for reading my long post, I would truly appreciate any help.
Since you were not there where is all this information about what happened coming from ?her i guess...either forgive her or move on...you may look back one day and see that you were warned or everything may be just fine.
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Unread August 11th, 2010, 12:35 AM   #6
Deidre
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Default Re: G/f kissed another guy, extremely heartbroken, but beginning to forgive her, Need

First off you can stop calling him a lowlife. He was good enough for you to be totally okay with her sleeping over, before this happened. She's the one who kissed another guy, and then went out and let him buy her drinks after he confessed that he liked her.

In terms of forgiveness, I'm going to take a different route than SK20 there, because unlike him I don't think it's fine and dandy to lie to and betray people as long as you get your rocks off in the process (that's not me trash talking, by the way, that's a summary of his previously expressed ideas about cheating), plus I also have some experience with being cheated on:

My ex fooled around with a lot of girls, and probably a lot of guys too. Additionally there were a number of incidences of mutual webcam masturbation, naked photos of female friends, and so on and so forth. I forgave him each and every one of his transgressions, because I didn't love him. Heck, much of the time I didn't even particularly like him. It was easy to forgive him, though, because since I didn't care much for him all he hurt was my pride. As the relationship progressed, there wasn't much self-respect and confidence left in me anyway and so it got easier to forgive.

My husband and I, on the other hand, we have a mutual understanding that if one person cheats the relationship is forfeit. I love him. He was the first man I ever loved. I loved him for years while I was dating others. This love I have for him is important to me, for it has shaped me (I was 16 when I fell in love with him, I'm 26 now). I know how amazing it can be and I don't want the lesser, soiled and trustless, thing. I know beyond doubt that if he cheated on me we could work past it and have a nice and comfortable continued relationship, but I don't want "nice and comfortable". Stability, comfort, and "winning" at the relationship game isn't so important to me that I'd not go it alone. I'd be painfully tempted to just move on together, though, but I think it would be a disservice to both of us.

Now, I'm not saying "if you love her, then you can't forgive her". It's up to you to decide what's important to you. Just putting it out there that this "love conquers all" attitude and the "everyone deserves forgiveness" that goes around all the time is a nice sentiment and all... but you don't owe it to anyone to stay with her. Do that only if you want to.

P.s. forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to stay with them either. Forgiveness is also an important part of moving on from your relationship and allowing it to become a distant memory.
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Unread August 11th, 2010, 03:21 AM   #7
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Default Re: G/f kissed another guy, extremely heartbroken, but beginning to forgive her, Need

Well, how old are you guys?? If she is young and her parents are consertive, that trip was her chance to live out her wild ness. so if she still wants to live that out because she felt as if she missed out b/c of her strict parents , then she is not ready for a real commiment - not now anyway.

weither or not u want to believe that it was an "accident" or "mistake" that she kissed that guy - it REALLY wasnt an accident or mistake - it was HER CHOICE. fooling around on your significant other is NEVER a "oops mistake!" its a CHOICE. so if u say u really love her, how can u think she really loves u if she kissed a guy on "mistake" (ha bullshit SK20!)

i love my man with all my heart - and i would never kiss another guy, nor do i desire to. if i DID - it wud not be a mistake, it wud of been my choice because there was something missing in our relationship.

if you decide to take her back - eveyrthing in ur relationship will change - NOT in your favor. she will loose respect for you (how can u respect anyone who stays with u after u cheated on them?!) and she will think because u took her back, that she can go ahead and fool round w other guys and u will still take her back.

its up 2 u, but wudnt u want a love who wont mess around on u? no matter how much i love my man, if he ever fooled round on me , i wud dump him in a heart beat. i have respect for myself.

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Unread August 11th, 2010, 04:30 PM   #8
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Default Re: G/f kissed another guy, extremely heartbroken, but beginning to forgive her, Need

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Originally Posted by MissJamieLee View Post

weither or not u want to believe that it was an "accident" or "mistake" that she kissed that guy - it REALLY wasnt an accident or mistake - it was HER CHOICE. fooling around on your significant other is NEVER a "oops mistake!" its a CHOICE. so if u say u really love her, how can u think she really loves u if she kissed a guy on "mistake" (ha bullshit SK20!)
Sometimes lust gets the better of your true intentions. It's just a simple mistake. As an analogy, suppose someone gets drunk, they do something stupid. Sure it was their CHOICE what they did, but the alcohol got the better of them. In this case, lust got the better of her. Just like alcohol might make you do something stupid (that you really didn't want to do), lust made her do something stupid (that she didn't really want to do).

In both cases, I think the action should be forgiven. And after all, just a kiss? I would say you should forgive her even if she had sex (but maybe thats just me), but just a kiss? Come on.
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Unread August 11th, 2010, 04:32 PM   #9
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Default Re: G/f kissed another guy, extremely heartbroken, but beginning to forgive her, Need

And come on man, she told you the truth. She didn't hide anything from you. She could've. But she told the truth. This shows how guilty and bad she feels, and also shows how much she still loves you.


Now if you love her, or if you ever loved her, you would forgive her for a small mistake she made. As I said earlier, sometimes other factors overtake your true intentions. And this was just a kiss.



Forgive
Forget and
Forever move on
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Unread August 11th, 2010, 06:57 PM   #10
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Default Re: G/f kissed another guy, extremely heartbroken, but beginning to forgive her, Need

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Originally Posted by SK20 View Post
Sometimes lust gets the better of your true intentions. It's just a simple mistake. As an analogy, suppose someone gets drunk, they do something stupid. Sure it was their CHOICE what they did, but the alcohol got the better of them. In this case, lust got the better of her. Just like alcohol might make you do something stupid (that you really didn't want to do), lust made her do something stupid (that she didn't really want to do).

In both cases, I think the action should be forgiven. And after all, just a kiss? I would say you should forgive her even if she had sex (but maybe thats just me), but just a kiss? Come on.
I guess we think differently on this topic. But hell, if i was shit face drunk , i STILL would not even TOUCH another man because i am TRULY in love with the man i got. No matter how fucked up you are, with alachol or lust - it is still YOUR choice to cheat on your significant other.

and i still believe if u stay with your signifcant other AFTER they cheated on you - they will loose respect for you and will think, "Hmm i can cheat again, and they will STILL take me back." and why wud u want to be with anyone who feels that way about you?

i cheated on my ex boyfriend - mostly because i wanted HIM to break up with me , because i did not have the courage to do it myself. perhaps, OP, this is what your girlfriend is doing because she thinks your nice and doesnt want to break your heart.

so after i cheated, in order to make my boyfriebdn dump me by cheating - he did not. i lost respect for him.
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Unread August 11th, 2010, 10:03 PM   #11
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Default Re: G/f kissed another guy, extremely heartbroken, but beginning to forgive her, Need

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Originally Posted by MissJamieLee View Post
I guess we think differently on this topic. But hell, if i was shit face drunk , i STILL would not even TOUCH another man because i am TRULY in love with the man i got. No matter how fucked up you are, with alachol or lust - it is still YOUR choice to cheat on your significant other.

and i still believe if u stay with your signifcant other AFTER they cheated on you - they will loose respect for you and will think, "Hmm i can cheat again, and they will STILL take me back." and why wud u want to be with anyone who feels that way about you?

i cheated on my ex boyfriend - mostly because i wanted HIM to break up with me , because i did not have the courage to do it myself. perhaps, OP, this is what your girlfriend is doing because she thinks your nice and doesnt want to break your heart.

so after i cheated, in order to make my boyfriebdn dump me by cheating - he did not. i lost respect for him.
Okay these are some ridiculous inferences. It's obvious she does not want to be dumped. She has been persistently asking for forgiveness. I'm sure that's not what you did in your case.

And yeah I guess we just think different. If you cheat, and the other person still takes you back, you lose respect. But if I cheated, and the other person takes me back, I would actually have more respect for them. Because they forgave my mistake and didn't mind whatever harm might've occured to them.
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Unread August 12th, 2010, 03:53 AM   #12
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Default Re: G/f kissed another guy, extremely heartbroken, but beginning to forgive her, Need

I have to side with SK20 here. Just because something happened once it doesn't automatically make her think she's allowed to do it again. If she's a decent sort of girl she will be less inclined to mess around because she remembers the pain it caused. Sometimes mistakes happen - we are only human. MissJamie that is absolute rubbish that you wouldn't touch another man even if you were blind drunk. Alcohol can make you do things you otherwise would not so in effect it is NOT your choice, only is it your choice to get that drunk in the first place. You aren't superwoman, everyone is vulnerable in the right situation (I've seen it). Oh and if you don't even touch (hug or shake hands) with other men then that's just weird. OP just forgive her. If it happens again, then you have issues.
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Unread August 12th, 2010, 04:22 PM   #13
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Default Re: G/f kissed another guy, extremely heartbroken, but beginning to forgive her, Need

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Originally Posted by SK20 View Post
And come on man, she told you the truth. She didn't hide anything from you. She could've. But she told the truth. This shows how guilty and bad she feels, and also shows how much she still loves you.


Now if you love her, or if you ever loved her, you would forgive her for a small mistake she made. As I said earlier, sometimes other factors overtake your true intentions. And this was just a kiss.



Forgive
Forget and
Forever move on
I actually agree with SK20.. It was a kiss.. it might have took her a moment to realize what happened, then she pulled away. As far as the kiss is concerned, you have to decide if she actually liked it.. did it go farther beyond that? Yes, it was a mistake. The real item is that she was honest and told you. She did not lie to you. I think its a little weird that she waited 3 days to tell you. If it was me, and a guy tried to kiss me, I would have left and had called my hubby right then... However, i would not have stayed with another male to begin with.. but she is young.. But, you have to decide if you can trust her.
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Unread August 27th, 2010, 10:34 AM   #14
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Default Re: G/f kissed another guy, extremely heartbroken, but beginning to forgive her, Need

This sounds like a tricky one.

Yes, it was just a kiss and she is conservative and loves you.

But it's also that's you guys are both young and she's lived a fairly nested life and thus has not experienced everything "out there". That's no excuse for her actions however, where does that leave you two moving forward?

I think on one side, yes forgive her and move on. But the other part of me says because of her experience/age it could be not worth the effort in the future. Only for the fact that she may not have been through her "party phase" yet. While not all people go through that, I think it's safe to say most find some sort of rebellion through life in there twenties.
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