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Unread June 13th, 2010, 12:04 PM   #1
charlie
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Default How to not seem needy

I met this great girl the other day. We've had some great conversations already, and I'm excited to meet her, and she's excited to meet me, which I am happy about.

Yesterday, we planned on hanging out when I got out of work. She got sick, but she texted me and told me that she would plan for another day, which is cool.

now there's a part of me I don't like and want to get rid of: the worrying, needy person. ok, so here's what I did last night and this morning. I kept checking facebook and AIM to see if she was online. Kind of felt like I was worrying.

Those events are still on my mind, and here's the one that happened this morning. We had a conversation that went well for the most part, although I think I may have asked to many questions. She told me what happened, then I asked again if she just woke up sick. She said "I just told you what happened." She also just got a job, which I'm worrying will interfere with us hanging out. She told me that she has to call for her hours. Then I said " would next saturday be ok for us to hang out?." She said, "I definitely JUST told you that I have to call for my schedule." I'm thinking that remark may come back to haunt me, but maybe not.

So, I'm looking for some advice, maybe some encouragement, on how to not be needy. I don't like that I am, but I do know that I should play it "cool," it's just hard not to worry (i.e. checking her facebook profile, checking AIM) Thanks.
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Unread June 13th, 2010, 01:18 PM   #2
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Default Re: How to not seem needy

I know this is so much easier said than done but just.. try not to care or obsess so much. Its not about not appearing needy, its about truly not being needy. A partner should enhance you, not define your or be the center of your world.

You have already learned a very valuable lesson from these two instances: Don't repeat questions she has already answered!

Unless of course you either didn't hear her because of various technical difficulties, or didn't understand what she said. If neither of these are the problem, repeating questions is clingy and insecure behavior.

As for setting a time for a meeting, instead of pressuring her for a time she doesn't know yet, try asking her when would be a good time to schedule. Such as what time of the week she usually gets her hours. If she doesn't know the answer to this either, don't let it ruffle you. Ask her to call and schedule when she knows what her times are. The ball is now in her court, don't obsess and keep calling her to see if she's available. Its up to her now. Also very importantly, DON'T change plans just to be with her. If she isn't available until the last minute that's HER damn problem. If she won't give you the information you need to initiate dates, she should call you enough in advance for you guys to work out a meeting. You shouldn't harass her with questions she doesn't have the answer to but she shouldn't be hanging you on a string until the last second, either.
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Unread June 13th, 2010, 01:20 PM   #3
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Default Re: How to not seem needy

For starters pay attention to what she is saying so you're not asking questions that she has already answered.

Secondly get yourself a hobby to combat the neuroticism.
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Unread June 13th, 2010, 02:05 PM   #4
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Default Re: How to not seem needy

You've only had two conversations and she blew you off on the second scheduled meet because "she was sick." Now, she's making excuses and such and is being annoyed (at least by the sounds of it) because she has to repeat her EXCUSES to you.

Frankly, I don't think she's as interested as you are in meeting. I'd call her in a day or two (no texting it's too easy to fake responses to) and I'd ask her if she's checked her schedule and is she free on such and such a date to meet for coffee or something more entailed. If she comes up with another excuse, then wave goodbye to her and forget she exists.

Try not to put so much value in a couple of conversations in the future, that way you won't really care so much if she's hedging or sketchy about meeting up.

Good luck
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Unread June 13th, 2010, 03:02 PM   #5
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Default Re: How to not seem needy

Stop using stuff like Facebook and IM to contact her for a while, and use the phone. You have a small 'addiction' to it and it's not helping.
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Unread June 13th, 2010, 03:57 PM   #6
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Default Re: How to not seem needy

BTW, when you ask "how to not seem needy" you're implicitly saying, "I am needy, but I want to know ways to trick her into thinking I am not."

How about just... doing what it takes to get over your neediness? Hint: Clinging to this one girl is not the way to do that. Do go for this girl, but also realize there are tens of thousands (or hundreds of thousands, if not millions) of others in your area, in your age range.
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Unread June 13th, 2010, 05:30 PM   #7
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Default Re: How to not seem needy

I read a good article in Psychology Today that made me TOTALLY (and finally) understand this concept of why women are repulsed by needy behavior.

It all comes down to the word desire. She wants to feel uniquely desired. But you shouldn't even be going there right now. You bring that out, and demonstrate that when you are in person with her, later on.

Sex for a woman is only 10% physical. 90% of good sex for women is in their minds. In order for a woman to have good sex, she's got to DESIRE the man she's with. We desire that which we don't have. When you show too much interest, you sub-communicate that she can have you easily, at any time, without a challenge. How can she desire something that's so easy to get???
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Unread June 28th, 2010, 12:28 PM   #8
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Default Re: How to not seem needy

Quote:
Originally Posted by yellow.rose View Post
I know this is so much easier said than done but just.. try not to care or obsess so much.
you got that right. ok, on to girl #2. I still talk to the first one, thing are alright. I've had great conversations with girl #2, until yesterday something changed.

We we're supposed to go out. I was just hanging around pretty much, and I was waiting for her to text me. I know that sounds bad. It didn't end up happening. She was at a party she even said she wasn't that excited to be at, and I was texting her. At the end of the day, she sends me a text saying something like, "I'm going to be honest with you, you're being too clingy and we haven't even met"

To be honest, I didn't expect that at all, given how smooth things have gone. I admit I was a little persistent, and told her to reconsider, given the fact that I was so excited to see her and really wanted it to happen She responded with " IDK (I don't know) maybe". So, my question to you all is, what do I say to her now?

Last edited by charlie; June 28th, 2010 at 12:29 PM.. Reason: new info
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Unread June 28th, 2010, 12:33 PM   #9
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Default Re: How to not seem needy

Don't say anything to her.. let her contact you now. If she never does, then learn the lesson that she taught you. You haven't even met her yet.. Stop putting so much value on simple text messages.. They mean squat. Stop relying on your keyboard as your main means of trying to connect.
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Unread June 28th, 2010, 01:09 PM   #10
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Default Re: How to not seem needy

you're probably right. I was just shocked because of the amount of flirting in those text messages. A lot of her saying I was adorale, sweet, and a lot of me making her feel special. With all do respect, they may have been more than just "simple"... but I probably should have mentioned the meaning of the texts before.
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Unread June 28th, 2010, 01:25 PM   #11
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Default Re: How to not seem needy

Quote:
Originally Posted by charlie View Post
you're probably right. I was just shocked because of the amount of flirting in those text messages. A lot of her saying I was adorale, sweet, and a lot of me making her feel special. With all do respect, they may have been more than just "simple"... but I probably should have mentioned the meaning of the texts before.
They were just WORDS. You don't even know each other. May I suggest you save the making of someone to feel special until you actually meet each other and she measures up to being made to feel special.

You're placing waaaaay too much importance on words said and recieved from the safety of your phone texting and computer screen. Keep your emotions and flowery words until you actually meet and her actions (not words) show you that you mean something to one another. Flirting opens up the dialogue to initial interest. After that, words and playing "text-tennis" becomes boring when there is no action behind the words being read.

(also said with all due respect)
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Unread June 28th, 2010, 02:56 PM   #12
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Default Re: How to not seem needy

I think you need to understand the person with a little better. Judging from what is written she seems like type of girl that is independent and strong, and not looking for someone that needs her every day or every minute. Now if she was a girl that was texting you every day (i mean starting the conversations) then maybe your neediness and her neediness could work well.

Either way, I hope you lay off all forms of contact except phone calls (lasting a maximum of 10-15 minutes) and face to face. All other "textual" forms are lame and have very very little meaning at all.
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Unread June 28th, 2010, 03:58 PM   #13
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Default Re: How to not seem needy

What's glaring to me in your post is this part:

Quote:
Originally Posted by charlie View Post
I was just hanging around pretty much, and I was waiting for her to text me.
Why, in heaven's name, would your evening's recreation be waiting around for a text? If you guys were in a long term relationship, thousands of miles away, I could understand waiting around for a phone call you know is going to happen at a specific time. Seeing as that is not the case, there is no reason for this.

Here is your problem! Don't let your life revolve around someone else. This is how you feel, and this is what relates in your texts, phone calls, conversations.. Its not about learning the "tricks" to hide these feelings, its reaching the point where you don't have them. Live your life and enhance it with the people you share it with, don't make them the reason you do things. No one wants that responsibility.

You've only got one life. Why not live it for you? People already have enough on their shoulders with their own life and problems, no one wants to shoulder yours as well.
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Unread July 11th, 2010, 08:10 PM   #14
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Default Re: How to not seem needy

Quote:
Originally Posted by yellow.rose View Post

Why, in heaven's name, would your evening's recreation be waiting around for a text?
Well, it was just one of those lazy sundays, where I didn't have anything to do. I remember playing video games, basketball and swimming. I couldn't help from checking my phone. Even I think I was a little too persistent, but I told her it was because I was so excited to meet. I'll try to keep myself more busy in the future.

Did you ever see a puppy or a baby so cute, that you just want to squeeze it until it dies, or something? That's how I feel about this girl, and that's the majority of the reason I like her so much.

So, I'd like to ask all of you where do I go from here? We still text, but definetly not as much. We don't really have anything to talk about, other than the "hey, how was your day?" stuff. We've covered the fact that we're both sweet and adorable, lol.

But here's the thing. It still sounds like both of us want to hang out. I don't drive; she said she would be more than willing to pick me up. The time came for us to hang, and she said she didn't have a car. Now, I figured something happened to her car that day or week or recently, but the next day I asked and she said she hadn't had her own car for a year or two, due to it breaking down. She sounded pretty sure that she was in the process of getting her own, and she's not really sure if she can borrow a family members. When we met, she definetly sounded confident that we could hang, so was she just leading me on?
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Unread July 11th, 2010, 08:39 PM   #15
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Default Re: How to not seem needy

Take the bus?

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