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Down in the Dumps Breaking up is a difficult time. How does it go? Denial, Anger, acceptance? No... that's not it. Come to this forum to find out what it's really like.

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Unread March 28th, 2010, 07:59 PM   #1
annonymous
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Sad Lying Deceitful husband...ANY ADVICE PLEASE!!

I recently found out my husband has been lying to me alot and being deceitful. Here's the simplified version of the story. He's been lying about where he's been going twice a week...and not answering my calls when he is at this place. His cousins wife is the one who told me about this. I calmly confronted him....only to be dished more lies by him.

We've been through a very rocky 2 years...and prior to this incedent...we'd just had a conversation about How I needed him to stop lying to me, so I could trust him again. He told me he would stop lying...then BLAM...I find this out. So being utterly crushed and angry...I asked him to take his clothes and go stay somewhere for the weekend while I try and figure out my feelings. So what does he do?? He doesn't bother to pick up his things...and decides to spend the night drinking at "this place" he's been lying to me about in the first place. The next day he comes back home asking me to let him back in....but I said no...and asked him where he'd stayed last night. He LIED TO ME AGAIN...saying that he slept in his truck...and turned off his cell to avoid me calling him and fighting. Well as fate would have it....cousins wife calls me again and informs me that he spent the night there with their 20 yr old female friend. When I found out about this I again confronted him...all he kept saying was nothing happened. I asked him what the sleeping arrangements were seeing as there's only one bedroom...that belonged to his cousin and his wife. He said he slept on the couch and has no Idea where the other young lady slept. The cousin's wife also informed me that the next morning after my husband left...the 20 year old girl confided in her that nothing happened because she was on her period!!! WTF is that supposed to mean??? Why would she say something like that if nothing had ever happened before?

Men readers.....Does this sound like the typical behaviour of a cheater??
Women readers.....Am I wrong for feeling EXTREEMLY pissed off and contimplating ending this marriage??

I've continued trying to talk to him about this....but he keeps claiming his innocence and can't even accept/understand why I would be feeling angry and hurt. It's been 2 weeks since the incident...and still his done or said nothing to express remorse or to nurse the emotional wounds he has inflicted on me

ANY ADVICE PLEASE!!!
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Unread March 28th, 2010, 08:01 PM   #2
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Default Re: Lying Deceitful husband...ANY ADVICE PLEASE!!

I know I already made a similar post...but the last one was too long and I feel that nobody wanted to read it...so here's a more simplified example of the same scenario. PLease leave you advice and Imput...I'm really hurting and torn..I don't know what to do!
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Unread March 28th, 2010, 08:16 PM   #3
automorphism
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Default Re: Lying Deceitful husband...ANY ADVICE PLEASE!!

I agree this is pretty bad. I think if he hasn't cheated yet he certainly will and probably doesn't care about your marriage either. 2 bad years is a long time...how long have you been with him?
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Unread March 28th, 2010, 08:55 PM   #4
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Default Re: Lying Deceitful husband...ANY ADVICE PLEASE!!

*reposted from your other thread*

Yes, he sounds like a complete loser.. but then again, so do YOU. (sorry but, truth be told)

You have to ask yourself why you're even asking this question on a board full of strangers? You should already know what you have to do, unfortunately your co-dependent nature is holding you back from doing it.

You have already proven that you're capable of sustaining yourself and your two children. You have done enough already to try and make this relationship work.. Enough already!

Go to a lawyer and get the professional advice you need and then take action to get this borderline personality disordered man (probably due to the actions of his psychotic mother during his upbringing) out of your life once and for all.

Your children deserve to not end up like him by witnessing the dysfunction of this union.

Do it today.. then when all is safe and secure, get your tubes tied. You don't need another baby daddy in your future. Also, seek therapy for your co-dependency or, at the very least read up on this very real complex that you appear to suffer from.
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Unread March 28th, 2010, 11:17 PM   #5
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Default Re: Lying Deceitful husband...ANY ADVICE PLEASE!!

In response to Automorphism...We've been married for 5 years.

In response to phasesofthemoon....The reason I am re-posting for so many to read this is because my husband (whom I love) is very convincing to me that nothing has infact happened. Over the years with all the lies and pieces of his stories that don't add up...I've began to doubt my own perceptions, and feelings for that matter. I am looking for a non-biased 3rd opinion from someone who doesn't know he or I, I am looking for validation for my feelings of anger and resentment in all honesty. So thank you for your input...well most of it...the part about getting my tubes tied and not having anymore children is a bit of a low blow I believe. But for your satisfaction I had a hystorectomy 2 years ago. And lastly I don't know much about co-dependancy, nor am I ready to level with you on your diagnosis thereof from a couple of posts. I am struggling with leaving this situation for two very seperate yet powerful reasons A) I love him deeply B)I believe strongly in the institution of marriage. My biggest fear at the moment is that I'll never be able to trust him again....and without trust...what is there left??
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Unread March 29th, 2010, 01:21 AM   #6
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Default Re: Lying Deceitful husband...ANY ADVICE PLEASE!!

Quote:
And lastly I don't know much about co-dependancy, nor am I ready to level with you on your diagnosis thereof from a couple of posts
Then I suggest you read the book "Co-Dependent No More? by Mellodie Beatie. If you don't want to do that then one simple code to live by is "Stop trying to control others and start taking care of yourself."

Google Co-dependency or even "co-dependend no more" I'm sure you will get lots of information on it.
Quote:
I am struggling with leaving this situation for two very seperate yet powerful reasons A) I love him deeply B)I believe strongly in the institution of marriage. My biggest fear at the moment is that I'll never be able to trust him again....and without trust...what is there left??
yes and you've been 'struggling' for quite sometime now without it getting any better, only worse.
A) You love him deeply.. or are you sub-conciously afraid to be alone and are you able to concede that you can't fix him with just your love/threats/nagging/ultimatums etc.?
B) You can believe whole heartidly in the institution of a GOOD and healthy marriage, however what you've described is far from that.. You can't see that though and need strangers to validate you.

Your biggest fear is you won't be able to trust him again.. It should be a fear because frankly for a very long time now he's given you tons not to trust him about.. including your finances, his fidelity, his buying things without discussing it with you, you bailing him out, and so forth.

It's quite ordinary to take your time to decide to leave someone you (think) you still love.. quite another to remain in an abusive relationship and think the love is mutual and respected.

take your time, you'll know when the time is right. (hopefully)

I speak brutally because molly-coddle will not help you to see.. My apologies if I offend, my intentions are pure.

Last edited by phasesofthemoon; March 29th, 2010 at 01:32 AM..
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