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The Long Haul Are you past the flirting and dating stage? Wondering if there's life after 6 months with the same person? If you're in a serious long term relationship, this is your one-stop shop for questions and answers.

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Unread February 10th, 2010, 01:48 PM   #1
scorpiotail
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Default My girlfriend says I do too much

My girlfriend and I have been dating since October of 2009 and we have moved in with eachother on February 1st, so it has been a few weeks. I'm 31 and she is 25. I've been very satisfied with our relationship and she feels the same except in one area so far... she says that I help way to much and do too much. I have had this issue before and it has suffocated my previous relationships. The thing is that I have a difficult time breaking it because of my nature and the fact I am ADHD. Crazy, right? She works full time and I mean FULL, like 10-12 hrs a day M-F. Since I'm currently at home due to a work injury, I am extra involved with getting the house unpacked and keeping it livable. Since she works so damn much and often brings work home, I like to make sure that most of the "moving into a new house stress" is diminished as much as possible. I make sure the dishes are done regularly, I have been unpacking boxes and have basically been going stir crazy! Here's where her frustration enters the stage: She quotes, "I haven't been able to do anything because you're doing everything!" Everything is compounding with the fact that it even upsets her when we're at the grocery store and I am loading everything on the conveyor and bagging. She has even cried over it. Also, every morning I like to get up and make breakfast for us before she leaves for work and she appreciates the "company" before she leaves...all too often though, I end up throwing a wrench into her routine of getting her stuff together by doing it for her. It's almost like she doesn't appreciate it, but I'm not really sure. Other than this issue, she is a wonderful person, with great intelligence and she's pleasurable to be around and we laugh and have a lot of fun with a healthy space between eachother. I'm just afraid that she won't be able to express her frustration in a very healthy way and I don't know how to break myself of this IF I'm even doing anything wrong at all. I'm hoping someone with a lot of experience in this area can shed some light on my situation and offer some solutions. I appreciate any advice in this area.
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Unread February 10th, 2010, 04:04 PM   #2
BecKerr
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Default Re: My girlfriend says I do too much

Wow.. I dont think you are doing anything wrong at all. A lot of women would complain that they dont get enough help. The only thing I would be a little upset over with the moving of the house would be that I love to be the one to decorate the interior. If you are just putting things away in their spot but allowing her to take over the decortating of the place, I dont see how she could be so upset.
You def. need to talk to her about this and figure out what it is she wants... cuz I honestly have no idea where she is coming from.
Good luck!
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Unread February 10th, 2010, 08:08 PM   #3
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Default Re: My girlfriend says I do too much

Just to give a little bit more background on the situation...she is used to having a routine and had been used to living by herself for quite some time. She is not a morning person as it is and gets rather frustrated when things don't go just the way she would like them. I haven't been decorating the house at all really. There may have been a few things I "took charge" with, but making the house into a home no. Since she has expressed her feelings about the unpacking situation, I have quit that. I'm going stir crazy like you wouldn't imagine! I think if she has a problem with me getting her personal belongings together in the morning, then I will just not even go near them. The chief complaint though, is that I do EVERYTHING for her it seems. She claims that I won't let her do anything on her own. I had explained to her that since I'm not able to work, I'm doing anything to make her life easier because she works so damn much. It's kind of a catch 22 for me. Do you think we have a chance to coexist peacefully considering that we feel so compatible with eachother in many other areas?

Last edited by scorpiotail; February 10th, 2010 at 08:12 PM.. Reason: grammar
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Unread February 10th, 2010, 08:20 PM   #4
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Default Re: My girlfriend says I do too much

I think you just have to find the boundary between (a) improving your shared living space and (b) doing her _personal_ chores for her. Making breakfast and cleaning the house should be okay, I think, but getting her stuff ready you should let her do it. I think the real problem is that she doesn't have enough personal space. Everyone needs their small, private space at home when they're living with someone else.

At the grocery store: let her help. Just concentrate on the really unpleasant chores around the house: taking out the garbage, washing the floor, and cleaning the bathroom. Leave her small things for her to do. For instance, if she leaves something lying around, perhaps you should not pick it up. Leave it for her to do.

In short, give her her space while still doing most of the hard chores (since you are at home after all).
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Unread February 10th, 2010, 08:26 PM   #5
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Default Re: My girlfriend says I do too much

I appreciate this advice! Awesome. I will give all of the suggestions a try. Thank you again.
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Unread February 11th, 2010, 03:27 AM   #6
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Default Re: My girlfriend says I do too much

With her personal belongings, I can see why she'd be frustrated. Mind you, I don't see how she'd be truly upset about it and crying over it, but I can see how it throws her off and it might even create a bit of stress and work for her. Howso? Well, let's say that you do the laundry and instead of just folding everything and laying it down on her side of the bed you go into her side of the closet and hang everything. You're being "helpful" by going the extra mile, but unless you know her system the next time she goes into the closet she can't find what she's looking for. The same with getting her things ready for work. Unless it's been demonstrated that you know her system and her way of doing it, she's going to have to check it, and checking it is extra stress and work and then changing her planning and whatever else needs changing now, that adds more. If being nice to her creates more work for her it would be more helpful to do a little less.

If you're home and she's not, I definitely think you should be doing the majority of the chores (When I was unemployed and my husband was working, I did basically everything too; now we're both working from home and doing basically 50-50. I think it's a fair system). She needs to get used to not having exactly the same patterns she did when she was living on her own. But, yeah, don't overdo it. And if she has a problem with how much you're doing, well, what does she say she'd like to change about it and why? If she tells you what certain things makes her feel and why, it's a lot easier to avoid AND to avoid doing similar things. If you just stop doing something once she starts crying about it you're going to have a LOT of trial and error, and instead she could just basically tell you what's up and save you both the trouble.
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Unread February 12th, 2010, 12:48 PM   #7
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Default Re: My girlfriend says I do too much

Well, this morning was actually good. I let her do her thing and I didn't even go near her while she was trying to get ready for work. She didn't have any complaints and I was happy as well. I appreciate the advice everyone has given! Thank you.
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