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Down in the Dumps Breaking up is a difficult time. How does it go? Denial, Anger, acceptance? No... that's not it. Come to this forum to find out what it's really like.

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Unread December 12th, 2009, 07:04 PM   #1
uniquess
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Default Why do men talk about other women.. to ME?

I've come to the end of my patience with guys that I date who talk about other women - to me. I don't understand why they do it and I'm ready to stop trying to understand why, and just accept that the guy that does this is not the man for me, and move on no matter how much I like / love him.

I've been dating a man who is so into me that he's mentioned marriage to me. I'm really into him too. We've been dating about 3 months (I'm in my 40s & he's in his 50s) and have gotten along wonderfully - except for this one thing. And I can't stand it.

When we first started dating he didn't do it at all, then one day about a month into it (before we started having sex) he made a few comments to me which I thought were rude and damaging. I let him know on the spot that I felt bad. He was concerned and insisted that he was joking. Now, he doesn't even acknowledge having said them.

He can't mention a women without describing her level of attractiveness.. such as "this friend of mine who is unattractive" or "this girl I used to date who is stunningly gorgeous" and on and on - he says "beautiful woman" this and "beautiful woman" that all the time. It's not horrifying - he doesn't make sexual comments - just ones about their appearance. He says he does it because it's a part of a woman's biography - what she looks like. That her life experience is greatly affected by her level of attractiveness.

Fine. That's true I'm sure, but I get so turned off hearing this all the time. I love this guy, and he never fails to tell me wonderful things about my own appearance every time he sees me, but now I just want to end it because I've been with guys like this before and done everything I can to understand; consider both / all points of view; work on my self-esteem; etc.. every angle. Also, I won't position myself as a watchdog, or a censor. I hate that as much as I hate the stupid comments.

Obviously Im sensitive to it. and I've let him know this as well and gently as I can, but he doesn't stop. That tells me he's not concerned about my feelings. Therefore, no matter how much we love each other, we have nothing.

I'm curious what opinions on this others have - does this bother other women out there? Why do so many men do this? Do they not think it's incredibly rude and damaging? Or are they trying to alienate the woman they're with..?
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Unread December 12th, 2009, 08:41 PM   #2
TheMinsterman
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Default Re: Why do men talk about other women.. to ME?

Mentioning other women is a "tactic" to perk interest up in you from a woman, because it subtly says "I am popular with women, I could walk away at any moment, you had best snap me up". HOWEVER, this is something to be used to GET a woman, I don't see the benefit in it when with somebody other than underlining the fact that "Hey, girls like me but guess what? I am with you and want to be with you.".
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Unread December 12th, 2009, 09:59 PM   #3
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Default Re: Why do men talk about other women.. to ME?

I see your point, but I think he's doing it backwards - he's not sending the message that other women want him as much as he's sending the message that he's interested in other women (while claiming to love me madly). Unfortunately, far from working as a tactic to pull me closer, it repels me. I think it means he's insecure, or wants to ruin what we have together, or maybe he's just clueless. Whatever the reason is, I don't want to be around men who do this. If it happens again with a new guy - I'l walk the first time. I don't see how "I love you" and "she's beautiful" can be reconciled in a dating context. Is the guy even aware that he's sending completely mixed messages to the woman he's with? Maybe this works with immature younger women to get them more interested, but it's nothing but a major turn-off and love-destroyer to me.
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