Gf/ Me/ Parents- no one likes each other

yankees13 · November 24th, 2009, 07:14 PM

My girlfriend hates my mom. My mom hates my girlfriend. My girlfriend's parents dislike me, I hate my girlfriend's parents and girlfriend's parents hate my parents. We are both 20 years old, and dependent on our parents. I'm starting a job this weekend, but I won't have enough to move out on my own just yet.

My gf and I love each other very much- 7 months. However, as I've stated above, things are not good with our parents. Insults fly all the time. A lot of bad things have happened, and I'm wondering if I should call it quits with her, or just try to ignore it all because of the love her and I share. All I know is that I'm trapped in a bad situation and don't know what to do. Has any relationship ever worked where the parents and the couple absolutely hate each other? Way too much stress, but I love her so much and don't want to lose her.

Kuky · November 24th, 2009, 08:00 PM

Alas, this is really up to you to decide. Ultimately, it's your relationship with her that matters most, so it's between the two of you. That being said, the parents hating everyone situation is a big problem. I have really chill parents, and I kind of expect to be going out with girls who have similarly chill parents, but that won't always bet the case.

What sorts of problems are there? I mean, if everyone hates everyone else like that, there's got to be SOMETHING big going on. How do you just go right to hating everyone like that? I mean, it's one thing when one set of parents doesn't like the new boyfriend in their daughter's life, but the whole "my parents hate her parents" thing just sounds kind of weird. Was there just one big blowup, or is this just the sum of a lot of little unresolved things?

Tootsie Pop · November 24th, 2009, 08:14 PM

I would also like to know a little more history. But, to quote some advice given to me by a close friend, "when you marry a person, you are also marrying their family." I know you aren't planning on getting married any time soon, but parents do not just vanish. They are in this for the long haul. If there are no resolutions to your issues, either bail now, or learn to live with it. Just dont let the state of your family issues push you into advancing your relationship with this girl faster than it naturally should. You will lose her that way too.

yankees13 · November 24th, 2009, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kuky

Alas, this is really up to you to decide. Ultimately, it's your relationship with her that matters most, so it's between the two of you. That being said, the parents hating everyone situation is a big problem. I have really chill parents, and I kind of expect to be going out with girls who have similarly chill parents, but that won't always bet the case.

What sorts of problems are there? I mean, if everyone hates everyone else like that, there's got to be SOMETHING big going on. How do you just go right to hating everyone like that? I mean, it's one thing when one set of parents doesn't like the new boyfriend in their daughter's life, but the whole "my parents hate her parents" thing just sounds kind of weird. Was there just one big blowup, or is this just the sum of a lot of little unresolved things?

A huge portion, if not all of it has to do with my mom, I will admit. She can be controlling and when she gets into an argument she never says the right thing. She is also very difficult to communicate maturely with. She had a very rough childhood, and over the years it has taken its toll. In certain situations, such as her only son getting a girlfriend, she does not know how to react. She says and does such bitchy things. There are just little things that add up. I dislike my girlfriend's mom because she is always in our business. On top of that, she is rude, condescending, and brash. She thinks she can say anything to anybody and get away with it. She has insulted me pretty badly in the past and I do not like going over to my girlfriend's house because I have never felt comfortable around the mom.

Now, at times, my girlfriend does take things a little too personally, and tells her mom everything. For instance, my gf, my mom and I, were driving home from a weekend vacation. My gf has to pee every so often, so we had to stop. It was a 4 hour trip and we just wanted to get home already. We stopped for her but after a while my mom started to get a little angry and annoyed. We stopped at the supermarket at around 9 pm so she could use the bathroom. I was getting out of the car to take my gf inside when my mom said she can go by herself. I didn't even hear her say that at first, as I was getting out of the car. My gf then told me that she would be okay and that I shouldn't go in with her. I insisted that I would go, but she told me not to. 10 minutes later I receive a nasty message from her mom, asking me why I did not take my girlfriend, her daughter, into the store, and why I let her go by herself. I absolutely flipped out as a result. I raised my voice to my gf and asked why the hell I got that message. She flipped it around later on and asked me why I yelled at her.

There are just little stupid things like this that get us into trouble and make things bad. When her and I are alone, it is usually nothing but great, stressful times. However, the situation with our parents is putting a huge strain on things.

Her parents think I don't care about her, and don't love her. My gf has told me I'm not even welcomed in the house anymore, and that they don't like me at all, and they don't want their daughter dating me. She has really painted a bad picture of me I guess, and this is one of the reasons I'm questioning our relationship.

Tootsie Pop · November 24th, 2009, 08:35 PM

My boyfriend has a royal beeyatch of a mother. Things improved tremendously when he started standing up for us. It is not about putting his mother down (of course he loves her!), but when she says nasty things or blows things out of proportion, he will simply tell her that "it is uncalled for." Or put her on the spot and ask her "what are you trying to accomplish?" She is slowly starting to understand that she can no longer push around her 27 (yes, 27) year old son. I am sure she complains to other members of the family about us, but we can live with that. If she is misbehaving worse than usual, my boyfriend will tell her that we will not join her for dinner or whatever we had planned.

An example of her bad behavior can usually be seen during holidays. She would have Thanksgiving dinner at 5, while my parents would eat at 1. So we would figure that we can visit both families. But, as soon as she found out that we were going to my family's home first, she would cry and say that "those people" are ruining her holiday because she wanted us there for lunch AND dinner (a request that she made up for the sole purpose of being in control of how we spend our time). She's a selfish woman, and the things she would say really hurts. But, it takes the edge off when my boyfriend would tell her that she is behaving in an inappropriate manner and that we will not tolerate it.

You don't have to crush your mother, but maybe a good start is to draw a line and enforce the rules by calling out bad behavior. Of course, it will only work for you if your girlfriend does the same with her mother. It's hard, but what have you got to lose?

yankees13 · November 24th, 2009, 08:39 PM

I just wanted to make this part clearly readable and so it doesn't get lost in the thread...

Her parents think I don't care about her, and don't love her. My gf has told me I'm not even welcomed in the house anymore, and that they don't like me at all, and they don't want their daughter dating me. She has really painted a bad picture of me I guess, and this is one of the reasons I'm questioning our relationship.

Tootsie Pop · November 24th, 2009, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yankees13

Her parents think I don't care about her, and don't love her. My gf has told me I'm not even welcomed in the house anymore, and that they don't like me at all, and they don't want their daughter dating me. She has really painted a bad picture of me I guess, and this is one of the reasons I'm questioning our relationship.

Well, if the two of you can not work as a team, then the issues are larger than having controlling parents. If she is upset with you, she needs to take it up with you like an adult -- not go running to mommy. At 20 years old, she should be old enough to decide for herself who to date. She should also know that there are consequences for the things she says about people -- such as her own boyfriend. It almost sounds as if this is the kind of relationship that she wants.

I cant imagine calling my mom to cry about not being walked to the bathroom. I wonder if she called her mom after having a good time with you.

This situation seems like a choice. I'd leave. But remember, the next girl may also have issues with your mother. Stop making excuses for her and start handling it like adults.

yankees13 · November 24th, 2009, 09:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tootsie Pop

Well, if the two of you can not work as a team, then the issues are larger than having controlling parents. If she is upset with you, she needs to take it up with you like an adult -- not go running to mommy. At 20 years old, she should be old enough to decide for herself who to date. She should also know that there are consequences for the things she says about people -- such as her own boyfriend. It almost sounds as if this is the kind of relationship that she wants.

I cant imagine calling my mom to cry about not being walked to the bathroom. I wonder if she called her mom after having a good time with you.

This situation seems like a choice. I'd leave. But remember, the next girl may also have issues with your mother. Stop making excuses for her and start handling it like adults.

I really appreciate your input. Thank you. I'm confronting her now, asking why she would tell her parents about issues that we are having, and that part of having a mature relationship is confronting each other, and not our parents.

Rammstein39 · November 24th, 2009, 09:43 PM

My bf was in a very similar relationship last year. His gf was (quite frankly) trash, and her parents knew she was up to no good. Instead of trying to stop her, they tried to stop everyone else. Thus they hated my bf and his family and vice versa, because no one wanted to face the real problem (an individual's beahvior). Now that he's with me, his parents love me but mine have their doubts about him, simply because he is going thru a rough patch in his life and doesnt look good on paper right now.

Point being, often when stuff like this happens, no one wants to face the real issue at hand. They would rather push it off on someone else. It sounds to me like your mother is one of those women who thinks no woman is good for her son except her. I mean that in a totally non-sexual way, but mothers who tend to be perfectionists can act like that because they dont think ANY female will feed/clean up after/love their son like they do. Her mother sounds like the same type of thing, but since she is a girl iot has the "you big mean MALE dont you hurt my little girl!" A lot of times parents get that way because they see daughters as frail and vulnerable. They treat you like the monster simply because you are the strong man and you have the physical potential to hurt her. Not that you ever would but they will always see things that way. Also, it does NOT help that your gf does the immature thing by running to mommy every minute.

But when no one wants to face these views and issues and accept that you can control your own life, and she is an adult too, thats when heads butt. Sadly, many times there is no chance of changing some of these issues, even when you try to handle them. You can try to talk to your mom and say that you need her to back off and that you are an adult, but its up to your gf to say the same to hers.

Good luck with that.

EveryLivingThing · December 26th, 2009, 10:37 PM

I am in such a situation now, except with some small changes. My girlfriend doent keep running into her mom, instead we work as a team.

I, on my part have told my mom, that I am not doing anything wrong, and I am 21 now, I should be left to decide about this. But now instead of trying to break us up, she keeps pointing out every time that i am "wasting my time" when i call her and I could be "studying".

She is trying the same thing too. Moms need to understand that their children has GROWN UP.