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Down in the Dumps Breaking up is a difficult time. How does it go? Denial, Anger, acceptance? No... that's not it. Come to this forum to find out what it's really like.

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Unread June 8th, 2009, 12:17 AM   #1
mbarda
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Default Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

I hope to get some expert advice from all the women on this message board so....let me tell you a little about the situation. I was with my college sweetheart for 3 years since we graduated and were nearly engaged when he needed to move out of state for a job. I was unable to move out of state because my job was pretty awesome and I refused to move with him and start over job searching. So...we ended the relationship (I was more sad then ever). It's been 2 years since I talked to him and during that time I found out he was in a relationship for 2 years with a girl (6 years younger than him!). Anyway, I made the effort to stop talking to him during those two years to move on and it's working like a charm. Now!!! I'm on facebook and he wants to be my friend after 2 years of not talking to each other!!! WTF! I peeked at his page and he still lists himself as in a relationship with this girl!! My site is private (thank god) and I don't want him to know what I'm up to either.
Personally, it upsets me to know about his relationship and I don't want to know him any longer but why does he want to contact me?

Can anyone tell me what he is thinking? Why would he do this? What should I do?

Thanks girls for your help : )
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Unread June 8th, 2009, 12:28 AM   #2
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

There could be a lot of reasons. He could be feeling restless in his relationship and wanting to reconnect. He could be happy in his relationship and thinking of you only as a friend he wishes to find again. He could just be curious what you're up to.
I think you should not accept his friend request if his relationship upsets you and you have moved on. I know it makes you curious but it's probably better to leave it in the past.
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Unread June 8th, 2009, 12:41 AM   #3
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

A lot could have happened in two years, so right now it's impossible to tell what his motives are.

What I would do in your position, however, would be to
1. Log onto Facebook.
2. Click on Settings.
3. Click on Privacy Settings.
4. Type his name in the field for your Block List.
5. Click Block.

Voila. You won't have to see him ever again and he can't see you, even if you have common friends. This is what I did when a mutual friend of my ex's first added me on Facebook. That way, I don't have to see his face plastered over our mutual friends' walls and I spare his friends questions about me (which bothers some of them), because he can't even see that I'm friends with them.
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Unread June 8th, 2009, 01:00 AM   #4
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

I think he's just over it, and wants to add you. Guys, unlike most women most of the time, don't always have a secret, ultra-manipulative, ulterior motive to our random actions.

Here, this should make you feel better: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55I83jEAIhk
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Unread June 8th, 2009, 01:44 PM   #5
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

Kuky: That's great insight! Let me tell you, this guy actually drove cross country to my house years ago to break up with me!! So...now he wants to reconnect?! Is he that desperate for friends? Personally, I think he's curious about what I'm doing now and who I'M dating. I hope he's devestated to know that I'm not willing to reconnect. Do you think it would piss him off just a little?
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Unread June 8th, 2009, 02:22 PM   #6
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

Haha well if it feels good, then might as well assume that it will
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Unread June 8th, 2009, 02:25 PM   #7
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

Quote:
Originally Posted by mbarda View Post
Kuky: That's great insight! Let me tell you, this guy actually drove cross country to my house years ago to break up with me!! So...now he wants to reconnect?! Is he that desperate for friends? Personally, I think he's curious about what I'm doing now and who I'M dating. I hope he's devestated to know that I'm not willing to reconnect. Do you think it would piss him off just a little?
Will thinking these thoughts really help you in the long run? It's been two years and I understand these things can be hard, but if you don't want to talk to him then just don't. Trying to hurt him really isn't the way to go. It isn't good for him and it certainly isn't good for you. Take the higher road...at least for your own sake.
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Unread June 8th, 2009, 04:36 PM   #8
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

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Originally Posted by Fanuilos View Post
Will thinking these thoughts really help you in the long run? It's been two years and I understand these things can be hard, but if you don't want to talk to him then just don't. Trying to hurt him really isn't the way to go. It isn't good for him and it certainly isn't good for you. Take the higher road...at least for your own sake.
Yeah. Its not like he cheated on you or fucked you over somehow. You guys broke up because you made a mutual decision that both of your jobs were more important than the relationship.

I agree with not adding him as a friend though. I really doubt he has any ulterior motives to adding you, I know I added some ex-girlfriends for no reason at all. But if it is going to bother you, then simply don't do it. Why put extra stress into your life?
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Unread June 9th, 2009, 12:19 AM   #9
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

Honestly, facebook is really a casual thing IMO. I have over 300 "friends" on it, including exes from years (YEARS!) ago, acquaintances from my university days, etc.

I highly doubt he has any ulterior motive to adding you - he probably was looking up people he knows and added you, or saw you on a mutual friends list, or you can even just let facebook search your email contacts and add everyone it pulls up.

I agree with what others have said - if it's going to bother you having him on there, than just don't add him (or go a step further and block him, like Deidre suggested)... but I wouldn't read anything into it. Hell, I've had people I don't even REMEMBER from highschool add me to facebook... or people I rarely talked to. It's just another way to network.
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Unread June 9th, 2009, 01:40 AM   #10
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

Let me mention to everyone that this person did hurt me when our relationship ended and what gets me is why he thinks we can reconnect after ending on bad terms?

I realize what the concensus is and that is to NOT befriend him or start communicating with him again. I have stopped thinking about him for years now and the feelings of hurt have resurfaced when I saw his face again. I'm willing to forgive but cannot forget.

Why does this bother me so much?

I feel he has real nerve popping up in my life again almost flaunting his relationship status and I want to tell him off so bad.

I love everyone's input. It is really helping with my decision. Thanks
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Unread June 9th, 2009, 03:45 AM   #11
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

Quote:
Originally Posted by mbarda View Post
Let me mention to everyone that this person did hurt me when our relationship ended and what gets me is why he thinks we can reconnect after ending on bad terms?

I realize what the concensus is and that is to NOT befriend him or start communicating with him again. I have stopped thinking about him for years now and the feelings of hurt have resurfaced when I saw his face again. I'm willing to forgive but cannot forget.

Why does this bother me so much?

I feel he has real nerve popping up in my life again almost flaunting his relationship status and I want to tell him off so bad.

I love everyone's input. It is really helping with my decision. Thanks
I think you are letting this affect you too much. There are only 2 options really.
1) He is doing this to intentionally try to flaunt the fact that he is happy and in a relationship.
2) He is just casually doing this and doesn't have any ulterior motives.

Either way, you gain nothing by getting upset about it.

An important fact of life is that people don't always remember events the same way and emotions dissipate over time. Also, people tend to remember the good times of relationships a lot better than the bad times. So I doubt he gave much thought about how you would react.
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Unread June 9th, 2009, 02:46 PM   #12
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

Well my Facebook page is a personal page with only my closest friends, so since I don't consider him a close friend he won't be on my page. Would it be a good idea to message him to stay out of my life? I considered this but feel like he is harmless and I shouldn't be rude.
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Unread June 9th, 2009, 04:07 PM   #13
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Don't message him. Just click ignore and be done with it. You've made this into a much bigger production (in your head) than it needed to be
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Unread June 9th, 2009, 04:23 PM   #14
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

Just reject it, like a few have said I think you are reading waaaaaaay too much into this. I doubt he has any motives, and just like tons of other people is just adding any people he knows.

Forget about it and stop making it bigger than it is, it won't do you any good.
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Unread June 10th, 2009, 06:25 AM   #15
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

Why don't you just send him a message saying "Look, I know it's been two years and you think it's cool and dandy to add me as a friend, but I'm not ready yet. I'm not over you breaking my heart. Sorry."

You could do that, or stop doing the woman thing (OVER ANALYZING the situation) and add him. You'll find someone eventually. Heck, even after you add him, put in your status something like "Thank God I'm not in a relationship!" or "(Your name here) loves being single!" etc etc.
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Unread June 10th, 2009, 04:36 PM   #16
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

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Why don't you just send him a message saying "Look, I know it's been two years and you think it's cool and dandy to add me as a friend, but I'm not ready yet. I'm not over you breaking my heart. Sorry."

You could do that, or stop doing the woman thing (OVER ANALYZING the situation) and add him. You'll find someone eventually. Heck, even after you add him, put in your status something like "Thank God I'm not in a relationship!" or "(Your name here) loves being single!" etc etc.
I don't like the idea of using facebook like that. It's very passive aggressive.

But think about this for a second. He probably hasn't thought twice about you since he clicked to add you and you have spent all this time thinking about him and trying to find the meaning of this. So don't give him the satisfaction and just ignore him.
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Unread June 11th, 2009, 01:44 AM   #17
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

You are SO right! I do overanalyze when he hasn't thought about me for a long time and I've been thinking about him for the past week! Yikes! There's no way I'd give him the satisfaction of knowing what I'm doing in life.
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Unread June 11th, 2009, 11:14 PM   #18
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

message him and ask him whats up!?
then decide....
why making such a big issue out of something so simple...
seems like you got some unresolved issues there possibly?
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Unread August 10th, 2009, 12:30 AM   #19
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

Update!! Turns out I found out through a mutual friend of ours that he just got engaged to his girlfriend!! Can someone tell me what my next move should be? I'm considering messaging him but what do I say? Needless to say, was hurt when I found out because of the initial shock of it. I need a clean break and he obviously doesn't, so what do I say to him? Please give me some of your thoughts.
Thanks all!
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Unread August 10th, 2009, 12:53 AM   #20
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Default Re: Ex Boyfriend and Facebook

You say nothing, IMO.

I'm confused by this part, though:
Quote:
Originally Posted by mbarda View Post
I need a clean break and he obviously doesn't, so what do I say to him?
I thought you chose not to add him, and to forget and try to move on? If that's still the case, say nothing and pretend you never heard. Ask the mutual friend to please keep any details about him & his relationship private from you.
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