Members: 15,335
Threads: 37,876
Posts: 403,923
Online: 67

Newest Member: andrew0101


Go Back   The Relationship Forums > The Relationship > The Long Haul

Notices

The Long Haul Are you past the flirting and dating stage? Wondering if there's life after 6 months with the same person? If you're in a serious long term relationship, this is your one-stop shop for questions and answers.

Reply
Thread Tools
Unread May 21st, 2009, 06:21 PM   #1
bugs
New Member
 
Join Date: July 3rd, 2008
Posts: 13
Gender: Unsure
bugs is on a distinguished road
Default why does my wife want to control everything.

I have been with my wife for 5 years now, she is 9 years older than me, and i`m her third husband. Recently iv found myself VERY controlled, and almost treated like her son, not her husband.

recently one of my best mates is getting married in leicester (I`m in Derby) and iv had to lie to him and say we cant go because a family member is ill, because my wife doesn't want to drive her new car that large distance. I feel REALLY bad, I feel I cant go on my own because ill get evils from my wife.

it's like i`m torn between my wife and my best friend, and I hate having to lie to people. I just dont know what to do. There are other things my wife has done which have really cut me but, somehow I feel like if I voice my opinions I will not be listened to and not be allowed to speak and it will decend into a row and nothing will be resolved.

I just feel really low at the moment and dont know where to turn
bugs is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread May 22nd, 2009, 12:19 AM   #2
stacidc
Love Guru
 
stacidc's Avatar
 
Join Date: September 19th, 2008
Location: Alabama
Posts: 237
Gender: Female
stacidc will become famous soon enoughstacidc will become famous soon enough
Default Re: why does my wife want to control everything.

Don't lie. She's doing it because you let her. This is a marriage, not an arrangement. There is nothing that says if you are married that you can not take the car. It's both of yours, right? Besides, honestly, what is she going to do? Divorce you because you attended a wedding?

I mean honestly, think about it. It sounds more like she's your mother as opposed to your wife. You do not necessarily have to take control over her, but more so take control over your wife. She obviously has some issues and from what you have told me, I can not begin to touch on what they might be.

Take control back of yourself. She is not your mother, but your wife. You are equal. Stop letting your marriage be a contract.
stacidc is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread May 22nd, 2009, 12:25 AM   #3
Nurseman
Elite Romantic
 
Nurseman's Avatar
 
Join Date: October 10th, 2001
Location: Virginia
Posts: 8,663
Gender: Male
Status: Disgustingly single. Probably forever. (sigh)
Nurseman is a splendid one to beholdNurseman is a splendid one to beholdNurseman is a splendid one to beholdNurseman is a splendid one to beholdNurseman is a splendid one to beholdNurseman is a splendid one to beholdNurseman is a splendid one to beholdNurseman is a splendid one to behold
Default Re: why does my wife want to control everything.

PUSSY!! I suggest you grow a pair.









**Watches reputation rating go straight to shit**
Nurseman is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread May 22nd, 2009, 12:29 AM   #4
stacidc
Love Guru
 
stacidc's Avatar
 
Join Date: September 19th, 2008
Location: Alabama
Posts: 237
Gender: Female
stacidc will become famous soon enoughstacidc will become famous soon enough
Default Re: why does my wife want to control everything.

Kind of what I was saying in the most polite way possible.

It's okay, bugs. You can do it.
stacidc is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread May 22nd, 2009, 12:33 AM   #5
Nurseman
Elite Romantic
 
Nurseman's Avatar
 
Join Date: October 10th, 2001
Location: Virginia
Posts: 8,663
Gender: Male
Status: Disgustingly single. Probably forever. (sigh)
Nurseman is a splendid one to beholdNurseman is a splendid one to beholdNurseman is a splendid one to beholdNurseman is a splendid one to beholdNurseman is a splendid one to beholdNurseman is a splendid one to beholdNurseman is a splendid one to beholdNurseman is a splendid one to behold
Default Re: why does my wife want to control everything.

Without BOG around, SOMEBODYS got to say it.
Nurseman is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread May 22nd, 2009, 12:52 AM   #6
CatalinaAllen
Love Guru
 
CatalinaAllen's Avatar
 
Join Date: April 9th, 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 207
Gender: Female
Status: Makeinu
CatalinaAllen is a splendid one to beholdCatalinaAllen is a splendid one to beholdCatalinaAllen is a splendid one to beholdCatalinaAllen is a splendid one to beholdCatalinaAllen is a splendid one to beholdCatalinaAllen is a splendid one to behold
Default Re: why does my wife want to control everything.

Where is Joe Schmoe when you need him?
__________________
NICE GUYS = Bleah!

Someday ain't coming; dreaming's not doing.
CatalinaAllen is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread May 22nd, 2009, 03:28 AM   #7
Deidre
May the best attitude win
 
Join Date: October 19th, 2001
Posts: 10,563
Gender: Female
Status: Married
Deidre has a reputation beyond reputeDeidre has a reputation beyond reputeDeidre has a reputation beyond reputeDeidre has a reputation beyond reputeDeidre has a reputation beyond reputeDeidre has a reputation beyond reputeDeidre has a reputation beyond reputeDeidre has a reputation beyond reputeDeidre has a reputation beyond reputeDeidre has a reputation beyond reputeDeidre has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: why does my wife want to control everything.

How many times and in what ways have you addressed this issue calmly and non-judgementally with her?
Deidre is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread May 22nd, 2009, 09:13 AM   #8
automorphism
Cupid
 
automorphism's Avatar
 
Join Date: April 22nd, 2007
Location: United States
Posts: 3,520
Gender: Male
Status: Single
automorphism has a reputation beyond reputeautomorphism has a reputation beyond reputeautomorphism has a reputation beyond reputeautomorphism has a reputation beyond reputeautomorphism has a reputation beyond reputeautomorphism has a reputation beyond reputeautomorphism has a reputation beyond reputeautomorphism has a reputation beyond reputeautomorphism has a reputation beyond reputeautomorphism has a reputation beyond reputeautomorphism has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: why does my wife want to control everything.

I suggest telling her in a calm manner that you're going to the wedding. Furthermore, whenever you want to do something (morally acceptable to you of course) tell her calmly you will do it, and then do it.

Remember, you can do whatever you want. It's your decision.
__________________
~
automorphism is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread May 22nd, 2009, 11:31 AM   #9
Kuky
Administrator
 
Join Date: October 10th, 2001
Location: Seattle
Posts: 17,835
Gender: Male
Status: Need glasses, need to shave palms
Kuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: why does my wife want to control everything.

Just want to add:

When you start doing what is being suggested, she will have a reaction. That's okay. She'll have to adjust to the change. After a while, she will either totally respect you (since you're finally going to start acting like a man meriting respect), or she'll totally resent you (you ARE, after all, her third husband, and she is the common denominator in her two previous failed marriages, which could EASILY have failed because of her control freakishness), which will blow your marriage apart.

EITHER of those outcomes is better than your current position, because either way, you're moving forward and heading into a place where you can be happier.

In other words: Don't hold back, and it's OKAY to not be a wuss.
__________________
%0|%0
Kuky is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread May 26th, 2009, 04:22 AM   #10
bugs
New Member
 
Join Date: July 3rd, 2008
Posts: 13
Gender: Unsure
bugs is on a distinguished road
Default Re: why does my wife want to control everything.

Thanx for your input everyone, well, I went to the wedding on Sunday, had the argument Monday, basically about the fact I hadnt asked her if she wanted to go, but earlier in the week we said id go on my motorbike, because her car had broken down.

I got all the usual stuff "I dont want her with me" "I`m being secretive" which is a new one, and "she does everything" when I get paid I usually give her housekeeping but she's working for the next couple of weeks so didnt give her any and I just bought stuff, I got into trouble because she thinks i`m hording the money (this is where the secretive bit is, thing is i`m buying food and petrol with it, i`m not gambling it or anything. when she does go off like this I dont know why but I just stand there and take it, and agreeing, then afterwards i`m thinking (hold on a minute, she doesn't do EVERYTHING, I did want her there) but for some reason I just cant say it.

I`m starting to think that why her marriages broke down, both ended in violence, when I say she controls everything thinking about I`m not exaggerating what we watch on TV (sounds pathetic) when we make love, when and if we go out (if I go out to) I feel really down and at this precise moment and just want a one way ticket to OZ and disappear to be honest (I know that wont solve anything)
bugs is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread May 26th, 2009, 11:09 AM   #11
Kuky
Administrator
 
Join Date: October 10th, 2001
Location: Seattle
Posts: 17,835
Gender: Male
Status: Need glasses, need to shave palms
Kuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond reputeKuky has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: why does my wife want to control everything.

All I can say is, one way or another, you should not have this kind of crap in your life.

Instead of fighting all the little, meaningless battles, have you actually tackled the overall "she's a control freak" thing with her? Has it ever been made clear to her that she has this problem, and will have to get over it? Were you aware of it before you married her?

You really should sit her down and talk to her about this calmly, in a non-threatening manner. This isn't "her problem", it's "a problem that is threatening your marriage" and something you both need to work on overcoming.

She may be very resentful over this at first, and that's understandable. Your job is to be firm, but never raise your voice. For the next weeks/month after that, when she gets controlly with you, just give her a certain look of disappointment and walk away. I know this might sound evil, but this woman needs to be trained.

If nothing is working, then your options are either to get professional help (which, if she is open to change, will probably come up anyway), or to leave her. One way or the other, take action over the next month.
__________________
%0|%0
Kuky is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread May 27th, 2009, 08:31 PM   #12
saywhatnow
New Member
 
Join Date: May 27th, 2009
Posts: 13
Gender: Female
saywhatnow is on a distinguished road
Default Re: why does my wife want to control everything.

Y'all should get some counseling, she seems to have some trust issues and insecurity...you may be causing some of it with/without knowing it, maybe not. It's worth it to get to the root of what is causing all of this though.
saywhatnow is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:54 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Contents © 2005 The Relationship Forums. All rights reserved.
A vBSkinworks Design