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Down in the Dumps Breaking up is a difficult time. How does it go? Denial, Anger, acceptance? No... that's not it. Come to this forum to find out what it's really like.

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Unread February 5th, 2009, 10:30 PM   #1
tomahuramusic
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Warning! girlfriend still has feelings for ex husband?

I was with my girlfriend of 6 months a couple weeks ago. She was drunk and was talking non stop about her ex husband and how horrible he is. She tells me all sorts of bad stuff about him, about how he was threatening to kill her a couple times and all sorts of other bad shit. So anyways, shes talking about her life situation, and how shes struggling. (shes a single mother, going to college, no job, living month to month on child support checks from ex.) anyways, she says she wants NOTHING to do with him. She doesnt even like receiving child support checks thats how much she hates him. BUT, i was listneing to her talk about him during her drunk ramble, and my ear caught something. She was talking about how hes fucked up, and she was going on and on and then she said, "If he wouldn't have done what he did, he could have been where you are sitting right now!" (pointing at me) This made me feel very....angry, sad, and confused. I wasnt sure how to take this bit of information. I wanted to interrupt her and say, "Do you still love your ex?" I dont know if that would have been the right question to ask. But it kind of hurt me. I know I'm supposed to be a grown man and not let things get to me, but shit, I'm only 23 (still learning about this dating love thing). We love each other, but now I have this trust issue with her. How do i know she doesnt still have feelings for her exhusband? and that was like an emotional missle that peirced me in a weird way. She hasnt brought him up lately, All i know is that he tried comming back to her place and wanted to take her out on a date at christmas. (they have been divorced 6 months, and seperated about 10 months.) She declined. What pissed me off is that she confessed to me that he was being REALLY nice to her during christmas. To me this pissed me off, HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT ABOUT THE ASSHOLE WHO HAS FUCKED YOUR LIFE UP SO MUCH TO YOUR BOYFRIEND WHO HAS DONE A LOT FOR YOU? (My family has helped her out financially very much and have saved her ass when she didnt have a running car) She said it in the way that made me beleive that if he would have kept being as nice as he had, she would have been fooled into getting back with him eventually. He fucked up by threatening to take her to court and have her arrested over some really childish shit. I feel like confronting her about these things because its not right to do me like that if that is what the situation really is. I want to get her drunk again which shouldnt be too hard and bring up her ex, she will start talking about him for hours if i just bring him up and then find a good way to confront her about these issues. I hate to do this, but....shes shown me these red flags and I'm not going to be played like a fool. Please if anyone has something to say, please help. I really love this girl, but...in the back of my mind, I can't fully love her unless I know for sure where she stands.

P.S. whenever the ex calls her, he always talks to her with a shitty attitude like hes mad at her. He seems to be holding a grudge against her. And she also told me that he did something VEry horrible to someone one time so bad that she cant even tell me what he did. He has PTSD from being in Iraq and is messed up in the head.
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Unread February 6th, 2009, 12:04 AM   #2
PhoenixDown
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Default Re: girlfriend still has feelings for ex husband?

I'm going to make give you a couple of different takes on this:

1. It takes people different amounts of time to really get over a relationship. One part of her realizes this relationship wasn't what she wanted and thats why she left but she hasn't untangled all the emotions yet. That takes more time, especially when there is a child involved and she is not fully settled in her life.

2. Men Think and Women Feel. Whatever a woman feels in that particular moment is true for her. That is why she can love you in one moment and want your head on a platter the next and be hugging you again a blink of an eye later. It just is. Just accept that.

3. You have two options:

a) You can be with a woman who is bitter, depressed and hates men because of all her bad relationships.

or

b) You can have a girl who loves life, loves herself, and looks fondly over the relationships of her past.

The way I see it... I love both my parents, my grandparents, my sisters, my brothers, my friends, and the women who shared a special place in my life. I love all these people who are in my life right now... so what stops me from loving those people who are not in my life at this moment? The people who passed away, or moved away, or those girls who decided to walk a different road in life? If I think back the most embarassing moment of my life, I still blush. If I think about my first kiss, I still feel the butterflies in my stomach. So if I think about an old love, why should I feel anything but the love?

Everyone I love increases my capacity and ability to love. I become a deeper cup.

Just remember, you are NOT competing with her ex husband or the rest of her past. If she wanted that, she would still be there. She is not. She CHOSE to be with YOU.

4. Its commendable to help her out and to care as much as you do but be careful not to get sucked down as she cleans up her mental shit and tries to fix her life again.
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Unread February 6th, 2009, 12:44 AM   #3
tomahuramusic
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Default Re: girlfriend still has feelings for ex husband?

yeah, i absolutely agree with you. I knew I could find good advice on here. What you spoke has rung truth within me. I'm glad i came here because i needed good mature advice from someone and thanks for replying, great post. i think i had some insecurities before i posted what i had wrote, and after i had some realizations and along with your post. i know thats true about women can love you one moment and hate you the next. its so true. love is different for women than it is for men in that aspect. even tho men do the same, it feels like mens love towards women isnt changed as dramatically as it is for women towards men.
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