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Unread October 2nd, 2008, 06:21 AM   #1
caprica
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Sad Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

Guys, I really need some advice. I'm getting worried, and as you might imagine, frustrated.
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 10 months now, and I just need to say first that this has nothing to do with our relationship overall. I have no worries at all that he is cheating or anything like that. We have an amazing relationship, we talk about everything and we never hide things or anything like that.
The one thing though, is that he is just always so reluctant to have sex. I'm 21, he's 23, we're both healthy, good-looking (I know he's attracted to me physically) and young. We also live with each other and sleep together every night. But I just can't seem to turn him on. In fact, in the past month, the only times we had sex is when he woke up in the middle of the night and we were just feeling each other up for a while and then it happened. But it was at like 3 am ffs! Is it so wrong to expect to have sex at least once or twice a week? It's so strange because during the day when he gets home from work, sometimes we will engage in some foreplay, and it turns us both on, but then he just stops and goes off to do something. When we do get into bed, he just says he's too tired and wants to sleep.
At first I just thought it was alright that we could do something the next day, but it happens almost every night. I've done what I can to try and be seductive, forceful (like, just drag him to the bedroom and have my way), and I'm trying not to play hard to get, but he's not taking either way. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or not. Does anyone have any advice? It's starting to hurt emotionally.
Thanks
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Unread October 2nd, 2008, 06:28 AM   #2
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Default Re: Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

Have you tried talking to him about this? There could be psychological or physical issues underlying his reluctance to have sex. TALK TO HIM.
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Unread October 2nd, 2008, 06:34 AM   #3
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Default Re: Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

As I mentioned in the post, I talk to him about everything. That's not the problem. I ask him openly about it almost every time it happens (not nagging or anything), but he just always tells me that he just wants to go to bed. I know he gets tired around 10 oclock because he works 9-5, but I try to do stuff with him before it gets to that point and he finds ways to turn me down every time. Or he'll just play really cute and *hide* from me, and he's adorable but the fact is that he just doesn't want sex. I mean, if we were in our 30's I could understand, but he just turned 23! He's very mature for his age but I mean he's still young.
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Unread October 2nd, 2008, 09:56 AM   #4
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Default Re: Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

Hello, I'm going through the same thing - see my post "is it normal to have a break in sex" - we have "once" since then but I'm still baffled, she says shes tired but won't do a thing about it. The last post on mine makes pretty good since if you think it may help. Good luck
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Unread October 2nd, 2008, 10:56 AM   #5
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Default Re: Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

Hmm. . . have you tried attacking him first thing in the a.m.? Then he couldn't make the excuse that he is tired. . .

I think that, although you've expressed your desire to have sex, that you need to tell him how this is making you feel emotionally. That you feel unattractive, undesired, and unconnnected. See his response to that- he should find that important, if he cares for you.
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Unread October 2nd, 2008, 12:50 PM   #6
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Default Re: Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

I tend to be pretty tired come 10pm. Like, I'll watch a movie or whatever, but usually, I'm pretty physically tired. When it comes to sex, I am definitely more of a morning person. Try shooting for morning sex.
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Unread October 2nd, 2008, 06:22 PM   #7
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Default Re: Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

it sounds like you're not aking the right question, or not at the right time. Don't ask "Do you want to have sex." Ask "Why aren't you interested in sex anymore?" and if he says it's because he's tired all the time, ask him how you can help him to be less tired.
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Unread October 3rd, 2008, 02:22 AM   #8
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Default Re: Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

Have you ever wondered if he could be gay? He may well be and has not even thought about this himself, or he does not want to admit it. Just a thought. I can't see any other reason why at your age you would not be having sex at least a couple of times a week.
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Unread October 3rd, 2008, 05:22 AM   #9
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Default Re: Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

I can see PLENTLY of other reasons than that he's gay! He's stressed at work, or overworked and thus over tired. He's on a medication that keeps him from getting it up, he's got a medical condition that keeps him from getting it up. Or if you really want to freak out the OP, he's cheating, or he's not interested in her anymore, or he's wanking too much, or he's addicted to porno, or...

Yeah, caprica.. ignore all that. I'm just throwing out the idea that there are MANY POSSIBLE REASONS why this is happening. We've got to nail it down to THE reason/s. And the only way of doing that is to TALK TO HIM at a non-sexual time.
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Unread October 3rd, 2008, 07:26 AM   #10
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Default Re: Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

Hey guys. Thanks for the advice!
Lol - I hadn't considered that he's gay, because that's just not possible =P I know for a fact he is attracted to women.
Well we talked about it a bit since yesterday and we both have our reasons for what we were thinking but basically what I got out of him was that he feels shy to have sex with me because he thinks I'm too precious or cute >> Something like, he wants to protect me instead of use me for sex. I ....think... I get it. It's either too sweet or he is too shy around me still, in which case I understand because we've only been together for 10 months and he is a bit less experienced than I am =/ I feel kind of awkward but I'm glad we talked about it more, because I really know now that we can open up to each other in any case. I am really lucky to have a man like him.
Anyway, thanks all for taking time and replying to my post. I always thought sex was better in the morning anyway
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Unread October 3rd, 2008, 05:42 PM   #11
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Default Re: Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

You're too precious/cute? Sorry... but what the fuck kind of excuse is that? So? Then he can make slow, sweet love to you, rather than hard fast sex. But he shoul at least give you SOMETHING. You ARE a flesha nd blood woman, no matter how 'precious'
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Unread October 3rd, 2008, 08:53 PM   #12
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Default Re: Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kuju View Post
You're too precious/cute? Sorry... but what the fuck kind of excuse is that? So? Then he can make slow, sweet love to you, rather than hard fast sex. But he shoul at least give you SOMETHING. You ARE a flesha nd blood woman, no matter how 'precious'
Yeah I know. Sad to say, but I read those words of his a little differently than the OP. It sounded like he was saying that he loves her, but that he is not attracted to her sexually. Almost as though he saw her as a friend, a sister, or a child - not a gf. In my own experience, no matter how cute and precious my partner is, I still want to have sex with her. The terms 'precious' and 'cute' hardly preclude sexual attraction, unless they're being used as a euphemism for some other, more platonic feeling.

Hopefully I'm wrong, and he just has difficulty assimilating his sexual desires with his more tender feelings for you. If this latter suggestion is the case, it's certainly surmountable. As Kuju suggested, why could he not try some more tender love-making, if his feelings for you are not conducive to the more primal variety of sex? Might be a helpful first step for him to try, in any case.
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Unread October 4th, 2008, 12:15 AM   #13
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Default Re: Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

Is it possible that he just is a bit shy about sex and perhaps feels guilt over it, maybe because his upbringing or past? Maybe he's afraid of sex? It's not that uncommon.
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Unread October 6th, 2008, 10:07 PM   #14
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Default Re: Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

I would definitely try to have sex with him in a more conservative, traditional manner, in the morning- perhaps missionary style, for lots of intimacy and connection, and perhaps with not that much nudity or graphic-ness (to the extent that these things are possible while doing the deed).

If he doesn't respond to that, I would also be concerned about the sexual attraction thing. Your bf should want to have sex with you, even moreso if you are cute and sweet. These traits are turn-ons
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Unread October 10th, 2008, 06:24 AM   #15
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Default Re: Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

hey maybe hes a little awkward that your more experienced than he is and he doesnt think he might be as good as you have had in the past?
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Unread October 10th, 2008, 08:26 PM   #16
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Default Re: Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

Well, hes probably just preoccupied. He has other things on his mind that keeps him from wanting to actually have sex. Or perhaps hes just not into sex anymore. Having sex a couple times a week isnt really that bad, i used to completely hate having sex. Now that im in love and found the right man, we have sex everyday.
If hes not cheating on you and hes not gay, then its just that work has his mind occupied and all you can do is take it when hes willing to give it and be happy with it.
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