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The Long Haul Are you past the flirting and dating stage? Wondering if there's life after 6 months with the same person? If you're in a serious long term relationship, this is your one-stop shop for questions and answers.

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Unread May 8th, 2008, 09:45 AM   #1
gg21
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Default how much does sex REALLY matter?

background story:
I am currently engaged to the only guy who's ever managed to keep my attention for more than a month or so. We've been going out for 3.5years, been living together for about a year, and been engaged for about 6 months. Before we lived together there was a time we also broke up for about 6 weeks, during which I was involved with someone else that I also grew bored with quickly, and we both missed each other too much to stay broken up.

about us:
we have the same sense of humor, follow each others train of thoughts very easily, are completely relaxed and at ease together as with nobody else, we have small fights sometimes but they are usually brought on by stress from financial issues as we have been studying on and off etc, any serious problems that we have we've always been able to discuss openly and work through it together, and we both dream about both being in secure jobs, buying a house, having a family etc. cheesy as it is, nothing feels better than just hugging each other.

the problem:
i'm not interested in having sex with him, at all. i think he's the best looking guy i've ever met, and im not attracted to other people in his place. i'm just not interested in having sex. i expected that our relationship would mellow and change over time, certainly i dont expect the same fire as when it was new and exciting (and from my brief affair during our broken up period, i found that a firey sexual relationship bored me as quickly as any other) but since then i wonder if my complete lack of interest should be taken as a bad sign. i have no desire to go find other men to turn me on, the idea repulses me in fact. but i honestly dont know if i would ever have an interest in having sex except for the conscious purpose of getting pregnant. i've never liked any of the foreplay/alternatives either i find them quite disgusting, and messy, and generally unpleasant. so when i was interested in sex, i was only interested in sex, and now that im not, im interested in nothing. he's been very good about it, and i had surgery for endometriosis earlier in the year which has been a convenient excuse. but i

1) constantly worry that its a bad sign, even though i love him ridiculously much and
2) worry that being male, eventually he will overlook every other good aspect in our relationship and goes to find someone who will satisfy him sexually

im not sure, as im quite tired if i've clarified every point that i wanted to... i guess if people respond and make me realise i've missed something i will add it in reply to that...
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Unread May 8th, 2008, 10:02 AM   #2
blade88
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Default Re: how much does sex REALLY matter?

Sex, like communication, trust and compromise, is a vital part of any romantic relationship. It should be. If it is lacking, then the partner who is wanting but not receiving satisfaction from the one they love will seek it elsewhere, like you've said. What exactly don't you find enjoyable in sex? There is a lot that could explain why you do not enjoy sex. Personally, I have not come across anyone (not including online) who does not enjoy sex.

Here are a few things to consider:
In what way do you view sex, excluding viewing it as a reproductive method?
When you do have sex, do you orgasm? If so, do you always work towards that but feel disappointed when you don't?
Maybe you have had hormonal changes? Or maybe you have never had a high libido? This could be checked out by a doc.
Are the partners you were with particularly skilled? Or is the sex repetitive?

Not being interested in sex is a personal issue, however it does spill over to the relationship, and more often than not, directly affects the individuals' satisfaction in the relationship.
Also, if you're not feeling in the mood for sex, foreplay (especially blowjobs) is a great alternative. Do you enjoy giving blowjobs? If not, why? Are you uncomfortable with it or is it just because it is messy?

Sorry for the million questions, I'm just trying to understand what your perceptions on sex are.
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Unread May 8th, 2008, 02:10 PM   #3
Bath of Glitter
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Default Re: how much does sex REALLY matter?

Is it possible you're asexual?
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Unread May 8th, 2008, 03:49 PM   #4
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Default Re: how much does sex REALLY matter?

It depends on who you are asking! I would say the majority would say yes and that majority are the sexually active ones.

I was sexually active for 13 years and now cold turkey for 19 months because my girlfriend was raised to save it for her husband. She has said to me she desires it with me more than anyone before but she has also told me she wants to save it for her husband. It's been unbelievably hard because she has told me to do it in the heat of the moment and my first thought is she has saved it for her husband so try to respect her wishes.

If you don't meet his primitive needs and one of them is sex, sooner or later he will look for it elsewhere. But we are all humans and individualistic so as I said before asks your SO.
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Unread May 9th, 2008, 08:36 PM   #5
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Default Re: how much does sex REALLY matter?

well, i suck in bed so we don't often have sex, but this doesn't affect our relationship one bit; yes its frustrating to have to choke my own chicken, but i'm not going to leave her, i'm not going to cheat on her, and we've been together nearing 3 years
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Unread May 9th, 2008, 10:37 PM   #6
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Default Re: how much does sex REALLY matter?

I guess it depends on who you ask, maybe some guys don't really care that much about sex (I have yet to meet one), but I agree that for most it is a vital part of any relationship. Even if there isnt' an orgasm, there is just an intimate feeling you get when having sex with someone you love. I frankly don't think there is anything better.

How does he feel about it? Does he want it or doesn't he seem to care about it that much? I believe that if one person longs for it and the other doesn't want it at all then that is very bad for the relationship, because eventually he will want to get it elsewhere.
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Unread May 9th, 2008, 10:40 PM   #7
gg21
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Default Re: how much does sex REALLY matter?

no i dont enjoy giving or receiving oral sex, i have always found the idea quite disgusting, and in the past when my libido was much higher, i was frequently interested in sex but even at those times never interested in anything else. even if it is just simple foreplay such as touching with hands, if he has been touching me, i will be fully conscious always of where his hand is going afterwards and it will instantly kill my mood if i see he has wiped it on the bedsheets etc.

at the beginning of our relationship we had sex all the time, but now i'm just not interested in it. admittedly part of this disinterest is memory of the pain when i was dealing with the endometriosis, but i am conscious that my opinion is swayed by this and know that if i tried again i would just have to relax etc.. but im never even horny to want to give it a shot
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Unread May 10th, 2008, 03:01 PM   #8
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Default Re: how much does sex REALLY matter?

I am starting to think that you need some counseling. I think that you have some deep rooted issues concerning sex and intimacy.
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Unread May 10th, 2008, 04:48 PM   #9
mcs7474
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Default Re: how much does sex REALLY matter?

"i expected that our relationship would mellow and change over time, certainly i dont expect the same fire as when it was new and exciting (and from my brief affair during our broken up period, i found that a firey sexual relationship bored me as quickly as any other)"

This guy should have dumped you, but instead he put up with you leaving him for another guy, and when that got boring you went back to him. That just sickens me. Sure you were both broken up and it makes it all ok.... I wonder if you two get married, how long will it take for you to get bored AGIAN and cheat on him?

You should seek counseling. Do you have a history of sexual abuse or any other form of abuse? Do an internet search to find some symptoms that one might display if they were abused as a child, if you display some of these then get counseling.

Now go ahead and tell me how much I offended you.
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