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Down in the Dumps Breaking up is a difficult time. How does it go? Denial, Anger, acceptance? No... that's not it. Come to this forum to find out what it's really like.

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Unread October 16th, 2007, 06:35 AM   #1
patience
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Sad Why won't he marry me after 13 years ?

So after 13 years together and 5 children....why would he not want to marry me.....the only answer i get is that its just a stupid tradition and everybody who gets married gets divorced..so why get married ...and he hates the term wife..........I have literally been through hell and back in this relationship and I think that he wont marry me because i am the wrong person and not good enough....I feel like he thinks this relationship is just a comfortable habit and it makes no difference that i want a more symbolic statement of commitment.....i am lost.
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Unread October 16th, 2007, 07:03 AM   #2
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Default Re: Why won't he marry me after 13 years ?

"Comfortable habit"? It stopped being that a long time ago. You two have been together for THIRTEEN YEARS! You have FIVE CHILDREN. How much more "married" can you GET?

In a lot of states you are legally married now. (Common law)

Listen, I'm sorry. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear. But let me point out something:

You have a man who DOES come home every night. Someone who stands by you. Who IS helping you raise your children. Who OBVIOUSLY loves you. (Why ELSE would he stay with a woman with 5 kids?) There are TONS of "married" women who don't have ANY of this.

This guy sounds like Gene Simmons. Emotionally, he can't deal with the thought of being committed. But he IS committed. He is as committed as he possibly can be. You may not have gotten him to the Alter, but just how important IS that anyway?
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Unread October 16th, 2007, 07:16 AM   #3
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Default Re: Why won't he marry me after 13 years ?

Perhaps I am just a hopeless romantic - I think my problem is that he had spoken of getting married to someone before he met me.....but she cheated and dumped on him.....If marriage or some commitment ceremony meant nothing..then why should it be so distasteful..surely you would consider it , just to keep your partner happy ? Selfish for me to say I know...
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Unread October 16th, 2007, 07:28 AM   #4
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Default Re: Why won't he marry me after 13 years ?

One other thing I just thought of......

If you weren't "good enough" he wouldn't have stuck around after baby #1.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I see your point. You want this romantic gesture from him.

Here is how he probably sees it: Weddings are expensive and frivolous. Who needs a piece of paper to PROVE my love?

That's MEN for you. (My gender never fails to embarrass me.)

I think a wedding would really be a nice thing. (After 13 years and 5 kids, its bloody-well about time!) It WOULD be very romantic.

You may not be able to get him to the Alter. But maybe you CAN spark a little more romance in him. When was the last time you guys had a date? Just the two of you? Dinner and a movie? Doesn't have to be extravagant. If you can afford it, how about you take dancing lessons together? If nothing else, send the kids to Grandma's and make him a nice dinner and rent a romantic comedy.

BTW, welcome to the forums.

Last edited by Nurseman; October 16th, 2007 at 07:43 AM..
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Unread October 16th, 2007, 08:34 AM   #5
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Default Re: Why won't he marry me after 13 years ?

Thanks for listening...I will keep you updated ....it may be a bit like the shawshank redemption...I will keep working on him LOL
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Unread October 16th, 2007, 10:57 AM   #6
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Default Re: Why won't he marry me after 13 years ?

"I once said it would take 500 years to get married with that pick axe... for patience, it took 13 years plus change"

I'm generally of a similar opinion to this guy, namely, that marriage is a symbol for something that has to ALREADY be there. It's absolutely nothing else (well, except some tax benefits, but I'd think the tax benefits of having 5 kids might outweigh that). But I can see from your standpoint that at some point, you look back and say, "huh... it's bee 13 years and no proposal?... weird"

When a young, reckless couple (like 18-19 years old) that knew one another for less than a few years (typically friggin less than ONE year) tells me they're getting married, I give them The Kuky Challenge (tm). I tell them to wait a year. If they're soooo confident that they'll be spending the rest of their lives together, then what's another year? However, if you take that logic too literally, you can say that by induction, you never need to get married hehe. Well, it's kind of true... you never NEED to get married... but it's nice to do that gesture. It's like, you never NEED to attend your graduation, but you might as well go and have fun and spend time with everyone one last time, etc.

So, with the theory aside:

1) When did you first start mentioning marriage to him, and how often do you pester him about it?

2) As a hopeless romantic, what is your idea of an ideal wedding?

3) Have you told him your view of an ideal wedding, and is THAT when he really started cringing?

4) If you can't afford your ideal wedding, how much would you be willing to compromise? Would you be willing to do a small deal with just a few key guests (like say, the children, each of your parents, and maybe some key best friends/immediate family, so maybe 15 guests tops)? Would you be willing to just elope?

5) How do you feel about prenuptial agreements? Personally, I wouldn't get married without one

I'm trying to figure out exactly what emotional need of yours getting married would satisfy. It seems like it's either the need for more romance, or the need to feel that much more secure that he won't randomly leave you.
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Unread October 16th, 2007, 10:39 PM   #7
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Default Re: Why won't he marry me after 13 years ?

I thought "The Kuky Challange" was blindfolding somebody, giving them 3 different sodas, tell them a joke, and see which one comes out their nose.
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Unread October 17th, 2007, 12:43 AM   #8
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Default Re: Why won't he marry me after 13 years ?

Yeah, but not on Tuesday.
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Unread October 19th, 2007, 10:12 AM   #9
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Default Re: Why won't he marry me after 13 years ?

I feel your pain. I have been togather with my "husband" for 16 1/2 years. For a good 10 years I harped on the marriage issue. I even got the engagment ring. In 2005, I took it off because to me it was a joke. For the past 2 years we both have been feeling stuck in a relationship. we have 3 children. We were basically living in the same house but not in a relationship. He admits he neglected me and I admit I did not respect him. I did something I shouldnt have and almost lost him. It has been a humbling experience. We both realized that we were both at fault and are currently trying to work on having a relationship. What men dont realize is that when we are little girls, we are expected to get married and have children and when dont want to marry us we feel we are not good enough. Years of feeling like this will take a toll on your self esteem. We are good enough to sleep with, wash their clothes, clean their house but not good enough to carry their name. I know. I became very angry over the years and resentful. Now I realize that most people dont have what we have, married or not. I still want to get married but I no longer harp on it and never give an ultimatum. You dont want to force someone to marry you. All I can say is that if you are destined to marry him then that time will come. If not, then it wasnt meant to be. Remember that if he doesnt then its his loss, not yours
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Unread October 19th, 2007, 10:55 AM   #10
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Default Re: Why won't he marry me after 13 years ?

Indeed, it is his loss.

I wish we men were more in tune with the feelings of women. My life would be SO much easier if I could tell:

"He is SUCH a jerk. I wish he'd leave me alone."
"WHY does he keep staring at me?"
"Boy, he sure has a lot of porn in his house."
"If he thinks I'm gonna sleep with him, he's got another thing coming."

"What do women want?" Has been man's primary question since the caves. Sadly, we are no closer to the answer now than we were then.
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