different expectations

slartibartfast · April 12th, 2012, 09:17 PM

Hi,

I came out of a 19 year marriage 10 months ago after my wife went off with another guy. I wasn't really expecting to get into any kind of serious relationship just yet and was quite looking forward to a bit of time being a proper single guy hanging out with mates, dancing with pretty girls at gigs and maybe even occasionally going a little further...

But about a month ago I met this absolutely fantastic woman. I love almost everything about her and she seems to feel the same way about me

we have so much in common and so much chemistry it's ridiculous.

But even though we've only been together a short while she's already dropping not unsubtle hints about being together long term, maybe even living together soon.

I'm not really sure how to deal with this. I don't really feel ready for it at all but I am worried that I've led her along somehow. I don't want to hurt her or lose her as a friend but I feel that I'm in out of my depth and I don't know how to backtrack gently.

I'm also not completely sure this isn't what I really want. Maybe I'm just scared after my marriage went so horribly wrong.... maybe I'm just disappointed I didn't get to 'play the field'...
Any suggestions for a confused bloke? Cheers!

janes · April 12th, 2012, 09:30 PM

just be honest. let her know you care about her a lot, but that most people need a significant period of time to decide whether they're ready to settle down with their current partner or not. it's actually a good quality. you want to know as much as you can about the person before tying the knot, that's smart. not to mention you came out of a long marriage, it's understandable that you want to keep things low key for now. do you want to stay with her and keep it simple or actually date other people? you have to be honest with her, don't lead her on. the further it goes, the worse it will be for both of you if you're not completely sincere. tell her you're confused and don't know what exactly you want yet, but that you do know that you like her and value her a lot.

slartibartfast · April 13th, 2012, 06:03 AM

Yeah THat's kind of what I figured.... I want to be with her now but I just don't know if it's a long term thing or not.
Plus there are a couple of thiings that worry me. This sounds really shallow but then that's where the anonymity of the internet comes in... She's got a 5 year old kid - mine are teenagers and I started waaaay too young having kids in the first place. Also she's got serious health problems that mean she's very overweight. Although I don't want to I struggle with that I'm a very visually oriented person. Although she's amazingly good looking despite the fact, it does affect me sometimes.

janes · April 13th, 2012, 11:34 AM

It's not easy to raise someone's kid together with them. she should know even better than you that you guys should take it slow then, because she should think about her kid not getting attached to you before she knows you two will actually end up together. as for the weight thing, i think it will be easier the more you will learn about each other. the appearance starts to become less and less of a factor the more the relationship develops. still, you can introduce the idea of losing weight to her gently, without hinting that it's hard for you to be attracted to her. just suggest say doing exercises together, going to the gym, ect. say you both want to be healthy and jog together. it can be fun.

slartibartfast · April 13th, 2012, 06:06 PM

Thanks again Janes. Already the weight thing is less of an issue... And she leads a more active lifestyle than I do anyway - it really is just because of certain meds she had to take. She's lost a couple of stones in the 2 months we've been together.

I think she's aware that she's pulling ahead a bit too much from a comment she made today. We don't live very close to each other so I'm gonna wait till we see each other again and chat through some of this stuff. I think partly the distance is intensifying her feelings in some ways but I am scared that she's obsessing about me a bit.

Dagwood · April 15th, 2012, 10:12 PM

I see no harm in saying something simple like "I am really enjoying the time we are spending together and I want to continue to take it slow for now so we don't get ahead of ourselves."

Its a win/win. She doesn't feel rejected, because nothing in there implies that. And she knows you don't want to rush into anything.

slartibartfast · April 16th, 2012, 05:28 AM

Okay I've tried to bring it up a couple of times but kinda failed. I've also realised a couple of things.

When this started I just knew that she was a beautiful person and I wanted to get to know her more. But things got intimate physically very quickly and that kind of eclipsed everything else. I think for her it's been a long time since she's been with anyone and also it sounds like her previous partners have been a bit disappointing. We do have a great time together in that respect but I don't want to use her.

I'm starting to not see a future in it - I just don't have anywhere near as strong feelings for her as she does for me and I'm starting to think I never will. I really really like her as a person and there is definitely an attraction there but I just don't think I'm in love with her.

I think the intensity of her feelings has scared me. She says she thinks about me all the time and she's constantly texting me to say she misses me and wishes I were there. A little bit of me is starting to dread seeing her because I feel overwhelmed by it all.

I have no idea how to proceed now. At the very least I have to slow things down but maybe I need to consider calling the whole thing off. I am very confused...