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Unread April 6th, 2012, 02:10 PM   #1
embees
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Default I don't know what to do. I don't like my mother.

Ok, so almost a year ago now, my mother dumped her partner of 11 years (wasn't keen on the guy, anyway), but before she did, I heard strange noises downstairs as she cheated on him. Again, her life. Although I don't agree with it, it is her life. Although I'm 19, at the time I was strangely scared to hear a strange man's voice coming from downstairs.
After she dumped her partner, she had this talk with me, asking if it was ok that she dumped him, and then saying (perhaps the biggest lie of all) that she didn't want to mess my 16 year old sister and I around. The very next day, she had that guy over again, this time during the day. This didn't bother me as much as it could have done, as I spend most of my time in my room. He said to her about how he never sees her 'children' and how he finds it odd that they're not around more.
She told me, after he'd left, when he came to visit a few days later, that she wanted me to 'say hello' to him when he came to pick her up for a date the next night (she started going out about 4 or 5 nights a week), but I didn't. Partly because I was upset, I didn't feel nearly ready yet, partly because of my pride... I don't know what she thinks constitutes messing us around- it confuses me.
When she came back, she was drunk, she'd started on my bottle of red wine, promised she'd buy me another some time, but forgot the next day, and said that I must have drunk it.
She threatened me with something (I can't remember what, because this was back in the summer), so, after going into town, and crying my eyes out to a friend, I came back, went to fill a cup of water up, so that I would have an excuse to go in there quickly, and quietly said hello (I've always been excessively shy around strangers). Mum acted all fine, until after he left. I don't know if she'd had anything to drink, or something, but she started screaming at me, came into my room, started chucking objects around it, anything she could knock over, and saying stuff like 'AM I NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE A BOYFRIEND?!' (I hadn't said anything about my feelings to her, just acted a bit shy, as I always do, and I can't help the way I am).
I was literally counting down the days until I got away from this place- into uni in another city, almost 300 miles away. It was a relief when I got there, although mum started giving me less support financially than her and my father had agreed between them, I understand that she doesn't earn as much as he does, but what made it worse was that she refused to negotiate a different split with my dad, and I wasn't allowed to talk to him about it either, she would never tell me why. She goes on about how she can't afford to give me even what she does, but she has been on 3 holidays this year with her new man, who she refers to as her 'lover', none of them are cheap destinations, and I wonder if she just missed out one of them, if she could afford to support me in the way that she agreed. For all those of you parents-can-do-no-wrong bashers, I have TRIED to get a job, NOWHERE is hiring, and I am taking a FULL TIME UNIVERSITY course, of at least 35 hours a week, plus coursework, and I have a boyfriend. Until I graduate, there is little or no opportunity for me to earn money, so please don't give me the 'ungrateful teenager' ****, I don't need it, and this question is not about that.
She's always telling this guy stuff that either isn't true, or is mocking my sister and I. One time he even called her sexual jokes about us 'inappropriate'. She thinks it's funny because my sister has never had a boyfriend, or even, as mum puts it 'gotten laid', and I've only had 2 boyfriends, only slept with one guy who I'd been dating for 2 years, we've been dating almost 3 years now (but I have serious trust issues, I think due to being sexually assaulted at the age of 15). I find it hard to trust men, and her jokes just make me feel uneasy.
I need an eye test, I asked her to pay for it, and straight off, she was like 'no' and 'when are you going to start paying for these things yourself?' I told her when I can afford to pay for it. She was like 'When will that be?' And I answered 'when I graduate'.
Today is my sister's birthday. That guy is giving us a lift, mum says that I have to been 'nice and chatty' otherwise she won't pay for my eye test. She knows I'm not 'chatty' to start with, this whole thing feels like it's completely fake, and I don't know what to do.
I've always been skeptical of counseling, but should I get it?
Also, any tips on how to fake the way you feel? Cos I'm not very good at it x-]
sorry for the long, jumbled post.
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Unread April 6th, 2012, 02:40 PM   #2
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Default Re: I don't know what to do. I don't like my mother.

Quote:
Originally Posted by embees View Post
Ok, so almost a year ago now, my mother dumped her partner of 11 years (wasn't keen on the guy, anyway), but before she did, I heard strange noises downstairs as she cheated on him. Again, her life. Although I don't agree with it, it is her life. Although I'm 19, at the time I was strangely scared to hear a strange man's voice coming from downstairs.
After she dumped her partner, she had this talk with me, asking if it was ok that she dumped him, and then saying (perhaps the biggest lie of all) that she didn't want to mess my 16 year old sister and I around. The very next day, she had that guy over again, this time during the day. This didn't bother me as much as it could have done, as I spend most of my time in my room. He said to her about how he never sees her 'children' and how he finds it odd that they're not around more.
She told me, after he'd left, when he came to visit a few days later, that she wanted me to 'say hello' to him when he came to pick her up for a date the next night (she started going out about 4 or 5 nights a week), but I didn't. Partly because I was upset, I didn't feel nearly ready yet, partly because of my pride... I don't know what she thinks constitutes messing us around- it confuses me.
When she came back, she was drunk, she'd started on my bottle of red wine, promised she'd buy me another some time, but forgot the next day, and said that I must have drunk it.
She threatened me with something (I can't remember what, because this was back in the summer), so, after going into town, and crying my eyes out to a friend, I came back, went to fill a cup of water up, so that I would have an excuse to go in there quickly, and quietly said hello (I've always been excessively shy around strangers). Mum acted all fine, until after he left. I don't know if she'd had anything to drink, or something, but she started screaming at me, came into my room, started chucking objects around it, anything she could knock over, and saying stuff like 'AM I NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE A BOYFRIEND?!' (I hadn't said anything about my feelings to her, just acted a bit shy, as I always do, and I can't help the way I am).
I was literally counting down the days until I got away from this place- into uni in another city, almost 300 miles away. It was a relief when I got there, although mum started giving me less support financially than her and my father had agreed between them, I understand that she doesn't earn as much as he does, but what made it worse was that she refused to negotiate a different split with my dad, and I wasn't allowed to talk to him about it either, she would never tell me why. She goes on about how she can't afford to give me even what she does, but she has been on 3 holidays this year with her new man, who she refers to as her 'lover', none of them are cheap destinations, and I wonder if she just missed out one of them, if she could afford to support me in the way that she agreed. For all those of you parents-can-do-no-wrong bashers, I have TRIED to get a job, NOWHERE is hiring, and I am taking a FULL TIME UNIVERSITY course, of at least 35 hours a week, plus coursework, and I have a boyfriend. Until I graduate, there is little or no opportunity for me to earn money, so please don't give me the 'ungrateful teenager' ****, I don't need it, and this question is not about that.
She's always telling this guy stuff that either isn't true, or is mocking my sister and I. One time he even called her sexual jokes about us 'inappropriate'. She thinks it's funny because my sister has never had a boyfriend, or even, as mum puts it 'gotten laid', and I've only had 2 boyfriends, only slept with one guy who I'd been dating for 2 years, we've been dating almost 3 years now (but I have serious trust issues, I think due to being sexually assaulted at the age of 15). I find it hard to trust men, and her jokes just make me feel uneasy.
I need an eye test, I asked her to pay for it, and straight off, she was like 'no' and 'when are you going to start paying for these things yourself?' I told her when I can afford to pay for it. She was like 'When will that be?' And I answered 'when I graduate'.
Today is my sister's birthday. That guy is giving us a lift, mum says that I have to been 'nice and chatty' otherwise she won't pay for my eye test. She knows I'm not 'chatty' to start with, this whole thing feels like it's completely fake, and I don't know what to do.
I've always been skeptical of counseling, but should I get it?
Also, any tips on how to fake the way you feel? Cos I'm not very good at it x-]
sorry for the long, jumbled post.
I'm sorry I'll admit that I didn't read your entire wall of text but I did read enough to figure out that your mother is a selfish c word who only cares about geting the next guy lined up for "life."

You're 19. You're old enough to get out on your own.

Call a friend and see if they're interested in renting something with you. Do you work? If you don't... you should be doing something at least part time. Even renting a room in a nice couples home might be better for your psychology then staying there, drinking red wine and listening to your mother do her latest.
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Unread April 9th, 2012, 08:22 PM   #3
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Default Re: I don't know what to do. I don't like my mother.

You are completely justified in your anger towards your mother and the way she treats you is unacceptable. I have mixed feelings about counseling since I'm pretty skeptical myself, but it would be good to at least give it a try. Nothing is moving forward as it is now and being able to talk to someone about how your mother is might be beneficial. It's also understandable that you don't want to be around her boyfriend and your mother has no right to lash out at you like that. If there is anyway you can contact your father privately I would recommend that. I don't know what kind of relationship you have, but if he can help it's worth a shot especially when money is hard. Just make sure you have a back up plan in case your mother becomes unreasonable and a support system for you and your sister. Ask friends and other family members if you could stay with them if things get too messy. Really create a safety net.

As for faking how you feel I'm against that personally, but if you mean for getting through pretending to be nice and chatty I find just talking about how bad you are with talking helps start the ball rolling. Also preparing questions beforehand so that he can talk rather than you. As for just covering up your feelings in general replacing the situation in your mind with a memory of whatever emotion you want to portray should help.
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Unread April 27th, 2012, 07:29 PM   #4
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Default Re: I don't know what to do. I don't like my mother.

embees - it sounds like your mother has a lot of pain. I assure you that it's not something you did. I think the question to ask yourself is "Can I handle the current relationship I have with my mother right now?"

She's going through a lot, and if you aren't able to accept that and support her in the best way possible, which is totally reasonable given your situation, then you might need a good amount of distance from her. If you want to stay, I think some kind of communication change is needed between you your mother.

My experience with sexual molestation is that you should see someone professionally trained in that area of expertise (counselor). It's a process that takes some time...
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