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Unread February 23rd, 2012, 03:02 PM   #1
littlebopeep
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Default 2 years...toxic...and I'm out of control

I have been in an on again, off again relationship for 2 years now. It is extremely unhealthy. I need to stop this...I do. I don't know how.

Throughout the last 2 years I have been hurt so many times. One moment he seems to be so in love with me. Then I find out he is flirting and talking dirty with other women he knows in real life online and by text message. We would argue and he'd tell me the most common phrase I've heard so many times..."I can't be what you want me to be." Which by the way was committed and faithful. He always held the position that he is not over his ex-wife who left and divorced him in 2009 and she even remarried in October 2011. He used the explanation that flirting online helped him to "hurt less" and that I was "real. The internet is not real but you are real."

When he'd tell me I need to just go find someone who wanted what I wanted I'd move on. In the beginning it would take only a few days to hear from him again...as time went on days became weeks and weeks became months. I'd never message him first but I'd always hear from him again. And I'd always respond...and it would always start over.

The saddest part is that each time when the breaks were weeks or months apart, I had been working to move on. I'd save a text in my drafts folder for when I'd hear from him again, telling him to leave me alone but when I'd hear from him I'd never send it. In 2011, I went out with 3 other people during our "breaks" and in 2 instances those men declared their love for me. It's insane because in the end, I'd break their hearts to return to half a promise from my 2 year guy.

Christmas was wonderful or so I thought. He spent a great deal of time and money building an armoire for me. He said he built it with passion and out of love. I bought him a smartphone and he asked me to switch it over for him. I began the set up and as I waited for a confirmation text from his provider one came in from a woman which said "When do you want to?" Curiosity got the better of me and I looked in his texts...he was telling a woman he thought she'd be wild in bed and she told him he needed to come find out...he said "I just might do that." I walked into the room he was in and held up the message and then calmly left his house.

He later told me it was nothing more than flirting getting out of hand and he would have never met her. He made a promise to stop. He told me he loved me and he wanted to give it his all and he did not want the temptation in his life so he didn't even touch the computer. All was going well until one Sunday in January I went to my best friend's new house to help her paint before her big move that week instead of being with him. I had told him I'd be doing this a week in advance and she needed my help. That day he was back to the computer telling women how beautiful they were and how sexy they looked and telling me why we couldn't be in a serious relationship.

He says cutting and cruel things to me. In June he told me that I was the greatest thing that ever happened to him and he didn't know how he got so lucky. He went to the beach the next day with family and on the last day of his week there he texted to tell me that although I had told him I missed him that week he didn't miss me at all and that was his sign to end the relationship. He puts down my appearance and always has...I need to get the birds nest out of my hair. He will try to deal with how I dress and if he cannot deal with it he will leave me. When I finally broke down and bought myself new clothing, makeup and had my hair done his issue was suddenly how long it took me to change and how he is concerned that he cannot relate to my children (who dress like your typical gothic teenagers but never get into any trouble and are helpful and wonderful kids.) This concern came about after I spent a the next Saturday in January out of state with my sons going to a college basketball game rather than sitting at his house with him.

I could go on and on and I'm sure I've gone on long enough. Reading what I have written here I don't understand why I am so obsessed with losing him. I'm successful with a great career, not a dime of debt and I am asked out all the time...yet here I am lying in bed crying over a man who doesn't deserve me.

I have scheduled a counseling appointment...but this isn't the first time. I've scheduled 3 over the last 2 years. Because there is usually a wait time for an appointment I am typically back into the same cycle with this man and I cancel the appointment, knowing exactly what they will say to me.

I have now pathetically resorted to begging him not to leave me. I did this last night and asked if we could talk today. He said Friday...that was it. No communication today. I need straight talk, people. What is wrong with me...? Why on earth do I keep doing this? I have never in my life been this way and walked away from my ex-husband for less than what I seem to be settling for now. I've lost it...
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Unread February 23rd, 2012, 03:22 PM   #2
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Default Re: 2 years...toxic...and I'm out of control

Oh, ho-ho, hoooe. Textbook stuff here.

I'm not going to feed you the same bullshit you'll get from some others.

Quote:
Originally Posted by littlebopeep View Post
I have been in an on again, off again relationship for 2 years now. It is extremely unhealthy. I need to stop this...I do. I don't know how.
Here's the issue. You are trying to use the powers of rational thinking to overcome something far, far greater in strength: the irrational power of sexual attraction and emotional excitement.

Quote:
Throughout the last 2 years I have been hurt so many times. One moment he seems to be so in love with me. Then I find out he is flirting and talking dirty with other women he knows in real life online and by text message. We would argue and he'd tell me the most common phrase I've heard so many times..."I can't be what you want me to be." Which by the way was committed and faithful. He always held the position that he is not over his ex-wife who left and divorced him in 2009 and she even remarried in October 2011. He used the explanation that flirting online helped him to "hurt less" and that I was "real. The internet is not real but you are real."
"I can't be what you want me to be--committed and faithful."

Ok, stop right there. He is being crystal clear about this. His hands are washed free of any sin. He specifically gave you an honest description of himself, and he actually is encouraging you to look elsewhere if he does not suit you.

Quote:
When he'd tell me I need to just go find someone who wanted what I wanted I'd move on. In the beginning it would take only a few days to hear from him again...as time went on days became weeks and weeks became months. I'd never message him first but I'd always hear from him again. And I'd always respond...and it would always start over.

The saddest part is that each time when the breaks were weeks or months apart, I had been working to move on. I'd save a text in my drafts folder for when I'd hear from him again, telling him to leave me alone but when I'd hear from him I'd never send it. In 2011, I went out with 3 other people during our "breaks" and in 2 instances those men declared their love for me. It's insane because in the end, I'd break their hearts to return to half a promise from my 2 year guy.
Wow! A while back I came up with a theory. It goes along the lines of: The only way a promiscuous woman can remain faithful is for her to finally meet her own philandering Odysseus.

I've seen what's happening with you happen left and right with other women.

Quote:
Christmas was wonderful or so I thought. He spent a great deal of time and money building an armoire for me. He said he built it with passion and out of love. I bought him a smartphone and he asked me to switch it over for him. I began the set up and as I waited for a confirmation text from his provider one came in from a woman which said "When do you want to?" Curiosity got the better of me and I looked in his texts...he was telling a woman he thought she'd be wild in bed and she told him he needed to come find out...he said "I just might do that." I walked into the room he was in and held up the message and then calmly left his house.

He later told me it was nothing more than flirting getting out of hand and he would have never met her. He made a promise to stop. He told me he loved me and he wanted to give it his all and he did not want the temptation in his life so he didn't even touch the computer. All was going well until one Sunday in January I went to my best friend's new house to help her paint before her big move that week instead of being with him. I had told him I'd be doing this a week in advance and she needed my help. That day he was back to the computer telling women how beautiful they were and how sexy they looked and telling me why we couldn't be in a serious relationship.
Here, I'm not 100% convinced he was telling the truth. If anything, it seems like he doesn't know himself well enough to accurately describe who he is.

Quote:
He says cutting and cruel things to me. In June he told me that I was the greatest thing that ever happened to him and he didn't know how he got so lucky. He went to the beach the next day with family and on the last day of his week there he texted to tell me that although I had told him I missed him that week he didn't miss me at all and that was his sign to end the relationship. He puts down my appearance and always has...I need to get the birds nest out of my hair. He will try to deal with how I dress and if he cannot deal with it he will leave me. When I finally broke down and bought myself new clothing, makeup and had my hair done his issue was suddenly how long it took me to change and how he is concerned that he cannot relate to my children (who dress like your typical gothic teenagers but never get into any trouble and are helpful and wonderful kids.) This concern came about after I spent a the next Saturday in January out of state with my sons going to a college basketball game rather than sitting at his house with him.
If what he's doing, he's doing intentionally, he's a manipulator. If he's doing it by accident, he's merely sloppy, but it's definitely working on you.

He can't relate to your children because they are NOT also his children.

Quote:
I could go on and on and I'm sure I've gone on long enough. Reading what I have written here I don't understand why I am so obsessed with losing him. I'm successful with a great career, not a dime of debt and I am asked out all the time...yet here I am lying in bed crying over a man who doesn't deserve me.

I have scheduled a counseling appointment...but this isn't the first time. I've scheduled 3 over the last 2 years. Because there is usually a wait time for an appointment I am typically back into the same cycle with this man and I cancel the appointment, knowing exactly what they will say to me.

I have now pathetically resorted to begging him not to leave me. I did this last night and asked if we could talk today. He said Friday...that was it. No communication today. I need straight talk, people. What is wrong with me...? Why on earth do I keep doing this? I have never in my life been this way and walked away from my ex-husband for less than what I seem to be settling for now. I've lost it...
You say he doesn't deserve you, but you keep snorting line after line.

Whatever this is, the thing going on, it's not helping you be happy, obviously. You're emotionally unstable at this time. You're going to have to decide to cut it all out. Cold turkey.

Otherwise you're screwed.
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Unread February 23rd, 2012, 04:22 PM   #3
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Default Re: 2 years...toxic...and I'm out of control

I concur with the Sociopath.

I was in a relationship like this a while back. The only thing that worked for me was discovering how codependent I was on this person and making a clean break, No contact, no texting, no nothing.

Read my signature.
Read it again.

It goes both ways with you two.
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Unread February 23rd, 2012, 04:45 PM   #4
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Default Re: 2 years...toxic...and I'm out of control

Sociopath~

I'm not going to feed you the same bullshit you'll get from some others.

Thank you. This is exactly what I need.

Ok, stop right there. He is being crystal clear about this. His hands are washed free of any sin. He specifically gave you an honest description of himself, and he actually is encouraging you to look elsewhere if he does not suit you.

Correct. The part I left out is that until I see evidence of the cheating he swears he is doing nothing, loves me and wants to make it work. I am a fool to believe it time after time but would be an even bigger fool to be mad he is cheating if he is straight saying "I'm not going to be faithful. Plain and simple." He was recently "busted" when a woman half his age who he had been flirting hot and heavy with decided to send me all of thier communication after he did a "pick up/hang up" on her while on a date with me. It was only then that he returned to "I can't tell you I will stop talking to women but I can tell you it's not real to me. It's facebook shit. Nothing more. You are real" and then the "I can't be what you want me to be."

So I move on. when I do move on and start dating someone else he comes after me. Texts. Calls. Wants to see me. Talks about what WE could do to make US work instead.


Wow! A while back I came up with a theory. It goes along the lines of: The only way a promiscuous woman can remain faithful is for her to finally meet her own philandering Odysseus.

I've seen what's happening with you happen left and right with other women.


You are right and it's sad. Never in my life have I been unfaithful. Never have I intentionally hurt anyone as much as I have in the last 2 years. There were people who were good and decent men who genuinely cared and I dumped them all...I've had my very first one night stand ever within these last 2 years...It's really unlike me.

If what he's doing, he's doing intentionally, he's a manipulator. If he's doing it by accident, he's merely sloppy, but it's definitely working on you.

He can't relate to your children because they are NOT also his children.


I can't see how he could do what he does unintentionally. The 3 weekends of the last 2 years that I chose to spend a day with family instead of him he instantly gets with his best friend and goes drunk four wheeling. Then texts me throughout the day about how much has been drinking and fun it is to see 3 trails instead of one. Driving under the influence is my biggest pet peeve and it's as if he intentionally wants to worry me so I do not have a good time without him. I do recognize that he did all he could to isolate his ex-wife. She began going out with friends and eventually left him. She isn't from this state so when she left and had the children he insisted his family were not to help her in any way with their children. When her mother moved to this state to help her he made life a living Hell for her until she left. I see the classic behaviors with me as well.


You say he doesn't deserve you, but you keep snorting line after line.

Whatever this is, the thing going on, it's not helping you be happy, obviously. You're emotionally unstable at this time. You're going to have to decide to cut it all out. Cold turkey.

Otherwise you're screwed.


So much truth...thank you
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Unread February 23rd, 2012, 04:48 PM   #5
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Default Re: 2 years...toxic...and I'm out of control

Quote:
Originally Posted by foh4k View Post
I concur with the Sociopath.

I was in a relationship like this a while back. The only thing that worked for me was discovering how codependent I was on this person and making a clean break, No contact, no texting, no nothing.

Read my signature.
Read it again.

It goes both ways with you two.
I absolutely love your signature. Thank you.
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Unread February 23rd, 2012, 10:32 PM   #6
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Default Re: 2 years...toxic...and I'm out of control

Peep: I suggest you google "limerence" and read the Wiki link to it. I think that's what you suffer from with this man who you are addicted to. Tha's all it is ~ an addiction just like any other drug that you could be addicted to. Cold turkey withdrawl is the only way you'll get past this and to the stage of indifference to him and his hold on you.

He's told you who he is in both words and actions and now you really need to accept that and resolve to the fact that you're losing your joy and motivation to a man that comes back to you when he knows without a doubt that you'll be so distraught at not having him that you'll be like a sexual slave to him until the limerence wheres off for him once again and off he'll go to find some new strange to manipulate sexually.

Cold turkey withdrawl from your drug of choice starting today. NO CONTACT... none. Unread/delete, block and learn to forget.

Do not cancel another session no matter what.

Congratulations on starting this thread. It is the very first indication that you are at your rock bottom and are looking to be clean and sober from your addiction.
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Unread February 23rd, 2012, 11:23 PM   #7
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Default Re: 2 years...toxic...and I'm out of control

It's mind blowing how much sexual attraction can polute your mind into accepting things you'd ordinarily run miles and miles away from.

I was in a similar relationship a fair few years ago, but mine later 5 years in total - 3 longer than it should have. Sexually we were very, very compatible so that made cutting ties difficult and we relapsed many times. Overall though, we were just horrible for each other and now I'm in a much healthier relationship, the sex is just as good as we are connection on multiple levels now and not just one.

Your description makes it sounds as if this may be a simple 'walk away asap' type scenario.
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Unread February 24th, 2012, 02:17 AM   #8
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Default Re: 2 years...toxic...and I'm out of control

Quote:
Originally Posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
Peep: I suggest you google "limerence" and read the Wiki link to it. I think that's what you suffer from with this man who you are addicted to. Tha's all it is ~ an addiction just like any other drug that you could be addicted to. Cold turkey withdrawl is the only way you'll get past this and to the stage of indifference to him and his hold on you.

He's told you who he is in both words and actions and now you really need to accept that and resolve to the fact that you're losing your joy and motivation to a man that comes back to you when he knows without a doubt that you'll be so distraught at not having him that you'll be like a sexual slave to him until the limerence wheres off for him once again and off he'll go to find some new strange to manipulate sexually.

Cold turkey withdrawl from your drug of choice starting today. NO CONTACT... none. Unread/delete, block and learn to forget.

Do not cancel another session no matter what.

Congratulations on starting this thread. It is the very first indication that you are at your rock bottom and are looking to be clean and sober from your addiction.
I did look it up and it DOES fit. So does codependency. I read over what I have written here and I feel utterly ashamed of my behavior. Only 2 friends know of the pain I have been dealing with. The rest of the world has no clue what I have become.

I did not text or call him once today and did not hear from him. We were supposed to talk tomorrow...I made certain to make plans I cannot break so that I am not drawn back in. And I know I will be. Although I have said many, many times "This time was really bad. I won't hear from him again" I always have. I have also booked a hotel out of town to get away for the weekend.

When I hear from him it will be "Why couldn't you have just done ____ to make this work?" And "I do miss you and I love you. I can't understand why we can't get along." Of course at the moment he wants to remain my "friend" and "hang out."

It's ridiculous. He is 5'5" and weighs 280 pounds. He does own a home...a trailer with holes in the walls and floors. He dropped out of school in the 10th grade and his spelling is that of a 6th grader. I am highly political and love to discuss politics and history. He's clueless. He has horrible speech impediments. My middle name is Heather...he pronounces it "Hedder." Straight is skrait. I make twice what he makes in a year. He hates my music. It's not even logical that I stopped seeing a gorgeous college graduate with a 2 story home in the most expensive town in my county for this man. That's why I do realize that something has to be wrong here...I do not want to fall back in to the trap again. I truly am afraid that I can't stop...and will NOT cancel that appointment
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Unread February 24th, 2012, 02:24 AM   #9
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Default Re: 2 years...toxic...and I'm out of control

Quote:
Originally Posted by MattMuslim View Post
It's mind blowing how much sexual attraction can polute your mind into accepting things you'd ordinarily run miles and miles away from.

I was in a similar relationship a fair few years ago, but mine later 5 years in total - 3 longer than it should have. Sexually we were very, very compatible so that made cutting ties difficult and we relapsed many times. Overall though, we were just horrible for each other and now I'm in a much healthier relationship, the sex is just as good as we are connection on multiple levels now and not just one.

Your description makes it sounds as if this may be a simple 'walk away asap' type scenario.
It's odd...there is sexual chemistry but it honestly is not good sex. Not at all. In fact the only thing that makes it good is that he thinks I'm amazing in bed. But he is so critical of my body that it is nearly possible to be naked in front of him with a light on.

It is a simple walk away scenario. It has to be...
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Unread February 24th, 2012, 02:36 AM   #10
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Default Re: 2 years...toxic...and I'm out of control

Generally, one thing that I wanted to add here is that when he gets the least bit upset he sets out to hurt. As I was married to someone else a long time ago, my name was different than it is now and ironically there is a single woman in the area with the same name. He seemed to just lock in on her. Flirting constantly and telling her how beautiful she was. We argued about this woman on occasion...and for 2 years 9 out of 10 times he was placed in a situation to say my name he instead said hers. My "old" name. When I would correct him he would just blow it off. I spent 1 year and 10 believing that he did not even care enough to know my real name. Two months ago during a discussion where he was trying to keep me from breaking up with him I said it out loud..."You don't even know my name..." He promptly said it correctly and said "I would just say her name because I was mad..." This doesn't even scratch the surface of his behavior.

He has ended things with me in very cruel ways...when he tried to talk to me again I'd bring it up and he'd apologize saying when he gets upset he just says things he doesn't mean...somewhere in all of this I grasped onto that. I only choose to believe the good things he says and when it comes to the negatives I tell myself "He doesn't mean it...he is only upset. Two more days and you will be his moon and stars again..."

I need help
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Unread February 24th, 2012, 09:55 AM   #11
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Default Re: 2 years...toxic...and I'm out of control

Quote:
Originally Posted by littlebopeep View Post
I did look it up and it DOES fit. So does codependency. I read over what I have written here and I feel utterly ashamed of my behavior. Only 2 friends know of the pain I have been dealing with. The rest of the world has no clue what I have become.

I did not text or call him once today and did not hear from him. We were supposed to talk tomorrow...I made certain to make plans I cannot break so that I am not drawn back in. And I know I will be. Although I have said many, many times "This time was really bad. I won't hear from him again" I always have. I have also booked a hotel out of town to get away for the weekend.

When I hear from him it will be "Why couldn't you have just done ____ to make this work?" And "I do miss you and I love you. I can't understand why we can't get along." Of course at the moment he wants to remain my "friend" and "hang out."

It's ridiculous. He is 5'5" and weighs 280 pounds. He does own a home...a trailer with holes in the walls and floors. He dropped out of school in the 10th grade and his spelling is that of a 6th grader. I am highly political and love to discuss politics and history. He's clueless. He has horrible speech impediments. My middle name is Heather...he pronounces it "Hedder." Straight is skrait. I make twice what he makes in a year. He hates my music. It's not even logical that I stopped seeing a gorgeous college graduate with a 2 story home in the most expensive town in my county for this man. That's why I do realize that something has to be wrong here...I do not want to fall back in to the trap again. I truly am afraid that I can't stop...and will NOT cancel that appointment
Please stop trying to bullshit us and yourself here. If you're not a troll then I'll tell you that the only thing you have to do to stop this is to STOP REPLYING TO HIM. It's just a matter of mind over matter. You can't quit smoking cigarettes if you keep on having a drag off of one. He is your cigarette so quit taking drags.

He must be one fine psyochopath of a hypnotist to have such a psychological hold on you for you to become so addicted to someone who appears to be a piece of shit both physically and personality wise.

Get yourself to a psychologist and stop this insanity. If you have to tell him you've found someone new and to quit bothering you then by all means do that, then lose his number and delete him from every means of contact you can think of.

WTH?
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Unread February 24th, 2012, 02:45 PM   #12
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Default Re: 2 years...toxic...and I'm out of control

If it were as easy as saying "Okay, just forget about it" would there even be a need for a relationship forum? I am not a troll but I will admit I am pathetic. Pathetic yes, but stronger. I have not contacted him at all.

You say WTH? This is what made it hard...when we wouldn't discuss commitment or faithfulness he would give me every night he had free. He had no time to physically cheat on me because he gave me his spare time. When we weren't discussing commitment we had a great time. The one thing we did have in common was our sense of humor. But when discussion of where we stand came into play that is where I would be hurt. He would go back and forth...one minute loving me and hoping it works out and that it's hard on him every time he loses me. The next minute "Ok, so she emailed you our discussions and now you know I can't commit or be faithful so I won't hold you back if you are looking for marriage any time soon."

When I'd walk away I'd blame myself for being impatient. That if I had just not brought up "the talk" we would still be having a great time together and perhaps could grow into something stronger. Maybe if I just dated him with no expectations for awhile we could be ok. When I wouldn't ask where I stood in his life we seemed to have a great relationship.

I do realize NOW having a bit more sane thoughts that this was me fooling myself. Two years is a long time to know if someone is going to commit to you. And I while I don't know that he ever physically cheated while we were together, I do know he spent the entire time we were together online looking to replace me. He has always blamed me...and I began blaming me and to an extent I still do. I know right now I could have him back in my life but at the cost of not finding true love with someone else.

I know it's way past time to move on. And I am typing things here and even reading what I type aloud so that it's verbalized and the fog can finally clear.
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Unread February 24th, 2012, 03:54 PM   #13
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Default Re: 2 years...toxic...and I'm out of control

No one told me it would be easy to quit smoking cigarettes (AND believe me it wasn't but I managed to do it ~ 1 year smoke free on March 8th) just as no one has told you it would be easy to quit your particular addiction to the idiot you happen to be addicted to. However: In order to get past your addiction you have to do the things suggested to you (that for some erroneous reason you interpret as us telling you that it would be easy)

You have'nt contacted him you say.. well, good work. The hard part will be when he offers himself to you again and you either be strong and resist the urge to have another drag of him or, you cave and start puffing away on him once again.. wherein you'll have to start from scratch all over again to begin your withdrawl when once again he shreds you.

It's up to you how strong you can be. I suggest you keep reading your thread if it helps you to accept that to go back to him is ridiculously treating yourself poorly. Love yourself and know without a doubt that you are better off without him and withdrawing on your own until you've reached the stage of indifference to him.

You deserve someone who does not make you pine for him and only graces you with his company when it suits him while under his terms and his terms only. That is what has you in this state right now. Time to cleanse yourself from that toxic mess.
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Unread February 24th, 2012, 03:59 PM   #14
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Default Re: 2 years...toxic...and I'm out of control

your being played like a fool, move the fuck on already.
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Unread February 24th, 2012, 04:01 PM   #15
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Default Re: 2 years...toxic...and I'm out of control

^^^ well, yessireee, that's about it in a nut shell, benzzz.
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Unread February 24th, 2012, 04:17 PM   #16
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Default Re: 2 years...toxic...and I'm out of control

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ben91 View Post
your being played like a fool, move the fuck on already.
Truth! LOL How pathetic is it that I spent a night with him last weekend, slept with him and then when we discussed it on Wednesday he said "Hey you came to my house...I didn't force myself on you...grow up." And I am crying over this loser? Time to get some frigging pride!
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Unread February 24th, 2012, 05:33 PM   #17
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Default Re: 2 years...toxic...and I'm out of control

No kidding what are you crying over this loser for?

It is time to recapture your pride.
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