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Down in the Dumps Breaking up is a difficult time. How does it go? Denial, Anger, acceptance? No... that's not it. Come to this forum to find out what it's really like.

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Unread February 19th, 2012, 06:46 PM   #1
wiscguy
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Default Searching for a way to get closure

Hi. New here and I'll do my best to try to contribute to the forum after this!

My "down in the dumps story" is like everyone else's. I'm not even going to try to add the little details that makes mine "different". I dated a girl for four months and out of no where she got distant and two weeks later we were having the talk. What's different for me is that I've never had a huge problem getting over a breakup.

Being the mature person I try to be I didn't yell, didn't demean, and didn't do all insanely emotional actions that follow a break up and now... I'm almost regretting it. It feels like I never got the opportunity to find out what was lacking or get mad enough to be pissed and want out. She gave me the standard "I was scared because we were getting serious" and "We both equally contributed to going too fast". While fair it SUCKS. To comment on how serious we were, we had a lot of plans for the future (we both had weddings we needed +1's for, trips, etc.), we spent quite a bit of time together and with each others families, but neither of us had dropped the "L" word. Anyway...

I went with 95% no contact like I have in the past and even though its been over a month I still find it hard to stop thinking about her. We have short text conversations about once a week that don't bother me, but she always abruptly leaves the convo. Aside from that, it's not that I haven't given myself opportunity for moving on. I went on a date this weekend and any spark that was there was covered up by the giant wet blanket that is my past relationship. I'm actually quite happy with my life and I get myself out there on the weekends.

To avoid writing much more of a novel I was hoping to get any advice on the following: How has anyone worked past the giant question mark about what went wrong? How do you get closure without having a single argument about why it couldn't work?
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Unread February 19th, 2012, 07:35 PM   #2
AndyC
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Default Re: Searching for a way to get closure

Well for me that first question wasn't/isn't a big one, even though I still can't put my finger on what went wrong because in most cases it's a combination of things and not a single action.

As for the second - mine when like this:

Seeing a girl for nearly 4 years then we had the talk: she broke up with me, I got upset, left and went home. A couple of days later I texted her asking if I could come round to tie up some loose ends ( in others words get closure for myself ), went round and asked all the questions that had been building up - is there hope for the future etc etc.

The most important thing here is that the person asking the questions listens to the answers and doesn't get annoyed or angry at them - if you do they won't want to answer anymore. I also took this opportunity to tell her all the things that I had wanted in the future - marriage, baby, engagement on a small island in the Maldives etc etc - this was for me. I didn't care if telling her this was hurting her because this was the same person who 48 hours ago crushed me. Please note it wasn't my intention to hurt her or make her feel worse - I just needed answers!

Does that help you at all?

Btw - that comment about going too fast and getting serious seems a little stupid considering the fact that neither of you had said the 'L' word lol
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Unread February 21st, 2012, 07:48 PM   #3
wiscguy
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Default Re: Searching for a way to get closure

Thank you for the advice. I don't know if going back to ask her/explain the things I want would help in this case. It's been a month now and I'm sure whatever I say will fall on deaf ears. I do agree about the getting serious part lol I think there was a lot going on between friends. Both mine and hers had a lot of things to say about the relationship. While they were positive, sometimes they were so optimistic that even I cringed thinking about how fast the topics were being brought up.

Thank you again!
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Unread February 21st, 2012, 08:02 PM   #4
AndyC
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Default Re: Searching for a way to get closure

No problem - btw I wasn't suggesting going to her now and asking, considering the amount of time that has passed since the breakup. However if you are in the same situation again in the future you could apply it then.

I hope your on the way to recovering properly - easy me saying that cause Im well past my breakup - 5months now

good luck mate
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Unread February 21st, 2012, 11:20 PM   #5
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Default Re: Searching for a way to get closure

It doesn't work for everyone but after my ex started texting me again I finally just wrote a letter to her telling her how I felt and it was all or nothing with us. Just can't be friends with the amount of history we had together. It made her upset and it messed with me for a bit but I have to say now that some time has passed I have not felt better than I do right now since our breakup almost a year ago. It helped give me closure since we had none when we broke up. To the things i daid in the letter off my chest and finally make the decision to move on was huge for me. You just have to find your own path. It takes time but you will get there!
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Unread February 23rd, 2012, 12:23 AM   #6
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Default Re: Searching for a way to get closure

Although this probably won't hold any water for you closure is not something you get from another person. It's a gift you give yourself.

Reality is she may or may not give two rats asses about what you need to say or get off your chest.
That's just something YOU feel you have to do. Having to subject her to it may just solidify her feeling that breaking up was the right thing to do.

Listen you could write all your feelings out in a letter. Then don't mail it.

Sounds lame but it does work. Truth is she everything you want to tell her may fall on deaf ears.
What could she possibly say to you that would make you feel better when she's walking out the door for the last time?

Is that wiscguy like WI guy?
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Unread February 23rd, 2012, 06:14 AM   #7
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Default Re: Searching for a way to get closure

I concur, closure comes from within and not another.

I went through the same things as you, and I thought that if I got a lot of stuff off my chest, had it out with her and stuff that i'd be able to understand why she cheated on, then dumped me and it would make me feel better. What actually happened was I got an ultimatum basically putting the blame on me and left me feel worse.

I think one of my favourite TV show lines applies here:

"You may think the only choice is to swallow your anger or throw it in somebody's face. But there is a third option, you can just let it go. Only then is it really gone and you can move forward"
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