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Unread May 10th, 2011, 10:31 AM   #1
Ray Jansen
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Default Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

....she doesnt tell them off either. These are friends shes known before me, so i dont know if im out of line by telling her to present to them the ultimatum of "i have a boyfriend, either stop talking to me that way or we cant talk at all" which to me seems the respectable thing to do. Advice?
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Unread May 10th, 2011, 10:51 AM   #2
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Default Re: Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

You want to control her then I suggest you attach a remote control device to her ass, put a couple of batteries in her and push away.

You'd make far more progress in getting her to do what you want if you told her that you think that behaviour is disrespectful to HER, you and your relationship as a COUPLE. Then shut up and listen to what she has to say.

If she defends it, then you can tell her that you don't like it. If she realizes that what you're saying makes sense then she'll stop on her own. If she tells you to fuck off then you're not a compatible match and you're better off knowing that now rather than later when her flirting drives you to distraction and basically being angst ridden and unhappy. Ultimatums, even when/if they work they always cause resentment which is counter-productive to a happy union.

You don't elaborate on what you consider flirting is.. perhaps you're just over sensitive?
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Unread May 10th, 2011, 10:59 AM   #3
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Default Re: Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

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Originally Posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

You don't elaborate on what you consider flirting is.. perhaps you're just over sensitive?
Things like "youre so pretty" ...attempting to hang out with her and reffering to it as a date, and the latest was definetely out of line ,"i want you" , like i said , she didnt do anything to bring about such a response and said nothing back, but yea, i think ill say something about it and see how she reacts
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Unread May 10th, 2011, 10:59 AM   #4
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Default Re: Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

Hmm, that's kind of a tough one. Considering she isn't answering these guys back that's the most important thing and you might just be reading too much into it. She's probably afraid of telling them off for the fact that they are friends of hers. However, I don't think politely telling them to please stop the flirting because she has a boyfriend is unreasonable at all, it can be done in a way that's not insulting or confrontational then if they keep it up, if it were me personally, I would definitely take a more blunt approach.
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Unread May 10th, 2011, 11:09 AM   #5
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Default Re: Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

Might I suggest she has told them off before and they are continuing?
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Unread May 10th, 2011, 11:10 AM   #6
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Default Re: Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ray Jansen View Post
Things like "youre so pretty" ...attempting to hang out with her and reffering to it as a date, and the latest was definetely out of line ,"i want you" , like i said , she didnt do anything to bring about such a response and said nothing back, but yea, i think ill say something about it and see how she reacts
Definate disrespect to you and her if they all know that she's in a relationship. Is she really young and doesn't know any better?

The thing is you have to handle it so that it seems like it's her idea. If you try to force her or control her she'll feel resentment toward you. I say this like I know it because anyone who had a lick of relationship sense would know how they themselves would feel if their boyfriend were getting such missives and they would voluntarily tell these 'friends" to cut the crap and quit disrespecting me and my boyfriend. So: Educate her without trying to control.

I think if she had told them before, Carnation she would text them to FO when they keep on. At the very least a "cut it out asshole." should be executed.
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Unread May 10th, 2011, 11:41 AM   #7
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Default Re: Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

Why should she tell them off? Do you reply to your spam to tell the spammers off?
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Unread May 10th, 2011, 01:37 PM   #8
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Default Re: Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

If this is correct as you tell it, then yes they are being out of line. some of my mates have very attractive girlfriends and even if I were attracted to them i'd never do anything like that because you never rub another mans rhubarb. That said, like Phases says, you cannot dictate to her what to do.

You need to explain to her you aren't comfortable with it and while you trust her judgement not to do anything silly, you would like it if she told them to stop. If she really cares about YOU and not just her ego, then she will do this without question.

Carnation, weren't you in a similar situation recently with a coffee shop worker hitting on you??
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Last edited by Welshie; May 10th, 2011 at 01:38 PM.. Reason: Damn spelling, bite me keyboard!
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Unread May 10th, 2011, 01:52 PM   #9
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Default Re: Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

I'm so tired of this general notion of "stepping on eggshells" or having to "be careful" about how you approach women, like they are spooked deer or something, on issues like this, that are completly justifiable to get them to agree to give your relationship the respect it deserves, when it should be common courtesy.

So men ask for this respect, and suddenly they are controlling, smothering, unreasonable, and mentally unstable for asking their woman to put an end to flirtations or sexual harassment from other male friends. Or it's dismissed as "Oh he's harmless," or "He doesn't mean it," and we are supposed to deal with it. However, if a female friend is being inappropriate towards a man in a relationship, then the man is considered a cheating dog regardless, and is expected immediately if not sooner to cut all contact with this person as the socially accepted norm and the "right thing to do" for a self-respecting man.

Bottom line, it's wrong, it should be told bluntly regardless of the gender/society, and both parties should have the common decency to deal with it without being asked to do so. To hell with making it her idea. If you actually have to "convince" her that it's wrong, then she lacks morality.
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Unread May 10th, 2011, 03:00 PM   #10
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Default Re: Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

I think she might just be feeling awkward because their friends. I get texts/messages like that from friends on occasion (although granted, usually they're drunk and/or joking around)... but I usually just don't reply, or if I do it's usually with a joke back (and usually one that insults them a little - but that's my sense of humour)

Why? Because they're my friends, and they're also in my social circle, and I don't want to make things awkward by telling them off or give them a lecture about "appropriateness" when I'm dating someone; because they're grown men. I have no interest - they know that, I know that, my boyfriend knows that, so I don't think it's that big a deal. I'm lucky in that my BF finds it more amusing (and a compliment to him, since he has me than anything else, but I respect that it's unusual and many relationships are not like that.

I'm just giving this story as I would imagine she also just feels weird about saying something since they're her friends. But on that same note - if it's really bothering YOU, than you need to (gently!) talk to her about it.
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Unread May 10th, 2011, 03:39 PM   #11
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Default Re: Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

It has never been my experience that you actually need to come out and lecture someone on the appropriateness of their flirtations in order to get them to stop, unless they are a total ass and not worth maintaining a friendship with in the first place. Maybe the men I've known have all been brighter and more sensitive than the ones mentioned in this thread, I don't know, but a gentle yet clear rejection has always done the trick for me.

I suppose it has to come immediately, though, so that it is nice and consistent. Being coy and playful about it (not that playfulness can't come into the rejection, but playfulness without rejection can be a desirable outcome and produce more flirtations), or being nice while not addressing the flirtation, can read as liking the attention.
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Unread May 10th, 2011, 05:50 PM   #12
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Default Re: Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheFaytalist View Post
I'm so tired of this general notion of "stepping on eggshells" or having to "be careful" about how you approach women, like they are spooked deer or something, on issues like this, that are completly justifiable to get them to agree to give your relationship the respect it deserves, when it should be common courtesy.

So men ask for this respect, and suddenly they are controlling, smothering, unreasonable, and mentally unstable for asking their woman to put an end to flirtations or sexual harassment from other male friends. Or it's dismissed as "Oh he's harmless," or "He doesn't mean it," and we are supposed to deal with it. However, if a female friend is being inappropriate towards a man in a relationship, then the man is considered a cheating dog regardless, and is expected immediately if not sooner to cut all contact with this person as the socially accepted norm and the "right thing to do" for a self-respecting man.

Bottom line, it's wrong, it should be told bluntly regardless of the gender/society, and both parties should have the common decency to deal with it without being asked to do so. To hell with making it her idea. If you actually have to "convince" her that it's wrong, then she lacks morality.
Bitter much?

Quote:
Why should she tell them off? Do you reply to your spam to tell the spammers off?
No, but then spammers don't flirt with me and I don't know who they are. So they don't threaten the respect our relationship deserves... Although now that you mention it, some have asked me if I'd like to grow a bigger man snake to satisfy my woman? O_o

I feel quite confident in telling my male friends to FO when they're being turds. Afterall, I'm just "one of the guys" to them.
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Last edited by phasesofthemoon; May 10th, 2011 at 05:55 PM..
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Unread May 10th, 2011, 10:08 PM   #13
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Default Re: Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

She gets these texts and then shows you them? Or have you been doing some snooping?

Do you know for a fact that she doesn't flirt back when you are not around to see? I'm not saying she does, but it does seem slightly weird that the guys would continue to say the same kind of things if they never ever got responses from them.

I think you should be blunt and tell her exactly how it is. It's not an unreasonable request for a loving relationship. If she doesn't want it to stop, then it's clear that she wants the attention.
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Unread May 10th, 2011, 10:20 PM   #14
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Default Re: Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

What girl wouldn't want to hear that kind of stuff? As long as she's not replying to them, and TRUST her if she says she's not, then I think you're just being a bit too precious.
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Unread May 10th, 2011, 11:34 PM   #15
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Default Re: Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

Alot of you make good points. I decided to go with a semi-blunt approach. The deal is i saw the texts as she got them, she didnt know, so i told her today that by not telling me that someone was talking to her like that makes her seem questionable, and that she should tell them to be respectable to our relationship or that she'll stop talking to them. She agreed, so hopefully things will work out.
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Unread May 11th, 2011, 06:24 AM   #16
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Default Re: Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

Perfect. Let us know how you go on. It's always good to see what the outcome is. Hope things work out for you.
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Unread May 11th, 2011, 07:18 AM   #17
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Default Re: Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

Quote:
Originally Posted by OvershareDude View Post
What girl wouldn't want to hear that kind of stuff?
Someone who doesn't like her supposed friends being disrespectful by crossing boundaries and treating her like an object?

Nearly everyone enjoys a sincere and appropriate compliment, but we are not talking about compliments here.
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Unread May 11th, 2011, 10:55 AM   #18
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Default Re: Guys hit on my girlfriend via text, she doesnt say anything back, but....

she may be liking the attention. Its one thing to get texts from friends but for them to say what you stated; she should let them know they are crossing the line because if she doesnt, in thier eyes what they are saying is ok and you how us guys think, we are thinking she is interested. make sure she does let these people know or you may just have to give her a warning. lol.
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