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Down in the Dumps Breaking up is a difficult time. How does it go? Denial, Anger, acceptance? No... that's not it. Come to this forum to find out what it's really like.

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Unread April 24th, 2011, 05:13 AM   #1
ThingyStuff
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Default How to break up... when you live together and have no job and nowhere to go?!

Right. I'm getting to the point where I'm considering breaking up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years.

A bit of background - He's English, I'm from another country. I moved here to be with him, at first everything was awesome, then stuff got a bit less awesome. When he gets angry, he gets REALLY angry, and has, on a couple occasions, become a bit violent. And whenever we argue, if he doesn't like the way it's going, he's nasty. Like, telling me to shut up and f--- off and the like. Awesome. The sex has gone from awesome to barely there and he jerks it and lies about it, and then tells me he just doesn't ever think about approaching me for sex. I don't mind so much about porn, I just want honesty and my share of the action. We once went 6 weeks with no sex, and him insisting he'd not jerked off whole time. I just wanna be able to talk about sex with my boyfriend. Anyway, he was working a really stressful job, and we'd always wanted to move to London together. I had my doubts because of all of the above, but when things are good with him they're really good. He's smart and funny and kind (to people who aren't me).. He said things would likely be better when he had this new job in the big city, and we could get a fresh start.

Stupid move, I think.

It's been a month now, and things have gotten slightly better, but he still never initiates sex, we never talk about it, he still says nasty things when he's annoyed.

Only now I'm here in London, with a brand new 12 month contract on the flat (with a 6 month break clause), no job yet, no family or friends here to turn to. I can stay here legally, that isn't the issue. The issue is, I feel trapped. I like it in this city, but it's expensive, especially for housing. And I'm looking for a job and temping, but have no reliable income to speak of yet. My name is on bills and the flat. And if we broke up, I don't even know 100% for sure that I would want to stay here, although I likely would. I don't even know 100% for sure what I want to do with myself job-wise, so the thought of breaking up brings up a whole other host of issues in my head, like "ooh, maybe I could travel?" and then I just get too bogged down in details and stress until the moment passes and we're semi-okay again, and I just put off the idea of breaking up until it seems more feasible.

Ugh. Help?
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Unread April 24th, 2011, 06:16 AM   #2
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Default Re: How to break up... when you live together and have no job and nowhere to go?!

You sound American, are you?
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Unread April 24th, 2011, 07:16 AM   #3
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Default Re: How to break up... when you live together and have no job and nowhere to go?!

"He's smart and funny and kind (to people who aren't me).. "

Abusive people usually are. They can be the most charming and politeful of individuals to strangers and their mates but behind the scenes it is totally different. Don't fall forhis charms outside of your relationship one bit, its what he is with you that counts!

"It's been a month now, and things have gotten slightly better, but he still never initiates sex, we never talk about it, he still says nasty things when he's annoyed."

And why would he change when he has a doormat like you who will let him get away with his behaviour? Im sorry to be harsh but I have been there and have only just got out so I know from experience where it all goes wrong.

"People can only treat us the way we let them."

This guy seems full of empty promises and doesn't seem to care much about you. Stop remembering the good times and hoping he will change everytime. He will not because he has no need to. You take him back everytime remember?

People do not change easily unless they need to. You are not helping him or yourself by being in this relationship. Your heart wants to go which is so clear, so go and stop making excuses.

Have a sit down with the chap and discuss the issues you have and tell him your going to leave if things don't change. If you are scared that he will becomes violent then you shouldn't even be in this relationship in the first place......treading on eggshells is not nice.

Go find yourself a bloke who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Go live your life.

And don't kid yourself about bills and living accomodation. There are help out there, there is always a way. If you want to go, go........or live your life in misery. Your choice.
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Unread April 24th, 2011, 07:58 AM   #4
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Default Re: How to break up... when you live together and have no job and nowhere to go?!

No, I'm Canadian.

And I know there's a way, but I don't know what it is. I just feel trapped and alone and unsure of where to go next. Assuming we do break up, I'd have to either find somewhere in advance and then break up, or break up and then house hunt. While job hunting. And living with my ex. It's overwhelming, I've never done this before. And with being away from any form of close support system, it feels extra much so.

I want to know how people get out of situations like this, since I assume I'm not the first one...

I'm not afraid of him being violent if I said anything, BTW. He'd just shut off and act like he isn't fussed.
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Unread April 24th, 2011, 08:21 AM   #5
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Default Re: How to break up... when you live together and have no job and nowhere to go?!

First make a decision if your breaking up or not, can't really afford ifs and buts. If your going then you can focus now what options you need to take.

Be smart about it all though of course and think about every option in regards to housing/money carefully. If you are here on a Visa then that will make things more difficult. Why don't you pay a visit to the local Citizens Advice Beareu for some professional advice. You will have to make an appointment so go there first thing Monday morning to do that. They will help you in regards to what direction to follow and what your options are....

There are also plent of support lines you could call also But I suggest the C.A.B.
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Unread April 24th, 2011, 09:39 AM   #6
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Default Re: How to break up... when you live together and have no job and nowhere to go?!

Your situation sucks, and I'm sorry for that. But it sounds to me like you need to start planning your escape.

If you're going to leave, you need to decide for sure to do it, and begin a course of action. Are your nearest friends/relatives in Canada? Is there someone nearer who may be able to help you out with a place to stay? If not, start looking. I have a friend who left her husband, but she secured another apartment before she did so. At first, I thought that was kind if a shitty way to handle it, but if the alternative is living with an ex indefinitely, I'd likely find a place first. I know you're in a financial jam...can you handle a place on your own? Maybe outside the city? Or get a loan from someone to secure a place? Or just wait it out a little longer till you can get enough $$ together (although I don't love that idea, as you've indicated that he's been violent)

I wish you luck.
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Unread April 24th, 2011, 10:15 AM   #7
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Default Re: How to break up... when you live together and have no job and nowhere to go?!

To make this somewhat practical... And to sort of give you a run-down of how to make this work:

You 1st need to decide if you want to stay in the UK. If not, you need to express that very clearly to anyone who offers to help.

If you have family that will help you, call them. If you have family YOU THINK won't help you, call them anyway. They need to, at the very least, know what is going on. Now is NOT the time to be embarrassed about telling them. Yeah, I told you so sucks. Being stuck in your situation for any longer than necessary sucks worse.

If you have money to get a room to rent, start there. Get on Craigslist, or whatever, and find a room to rent. Another alternative is going to a church. Tell them your situation, and see what they can do to help you. Use ALL available resources. There's obviously someone a response from a UK resident. Tap into the resources he is giving you. You are not the 1st person to have ever gone through this situation, just keep that in mind.

Leave your boyfriend's house. The less he knows, the better, for a number of reasons. But you want to eliminate all of your obvious obstacles, and he is the biggest one. Frankly, I wouldn't tell him until after you have left his house. And do not tell him where you are. He just needs to know you're safe.

Only take what you need. Don't worry about all the other stuff. Think high speed, low drag. You want to be able to move quickly.

If your parents will help you, stay put. You have a safe place to live, it's temporary, and you just need to buy time. Get on the flight, and go home.

I've had to help navigate 3 friends out of situations like this. Or somewhat similar. It can be done, but you need to be willing to accept help, and be as honest as possible about the situation. It also comes down to your level of commitment. Are you just sticking your finger in the water at this point? Or is it a situation where you feel unsafe, and need to get out of now but don't know how?

Last edited by Duke; April 24th, 2011 at 10:22 AM..
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Unread April 24th, 2011, 12:30 PM   #8
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Default Re: How to break up... when you live together and have no job and nowhere to go?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThingyStuff View Post
No, I'm Canadian.

And I know there's a way, but I don't know what it is. I just feel trapped and alone and unsure of where to go next. Assuming we do break up, I'd have to either find somewhere in advance and then break up, or break up and then house hunt. While job hunting. And living with my ex. It's overwhelming, I've never done this before. And with being away from any form of close support system, it feels extra much so.

I want to know how people get out of situations like this, since I assume I'm not the first one...

I'm not afraid of him being violent if I said anything, BTW. He'd just shut off and act like he isn't fussed.

Whats stopping you from going back home? And wtf would you leave to live with a man without having a job secured and some money in YOUR OWN back account that you could use in case something like this happened. AGAIN: Why can't you go home where you came from?

I can't believe the number of women I'm seeing this kind of thing happening to. No job, no friends, no money, no clue. Moving to be with men they don't even know. Let me guess, you met him online.

If you can't call your family because things are fucked up with them as well, then I suggest you call the Canadian Embassy and ask them for guidance.

Quote:
I can stay here legally, that isn't the issue.
How'd ya manage that? No job, not married, no skills, (that you mention).

*Funny how I'm always skeptical about people who, instead of calling home, they come to a forum board and ask for help... What's your real deal, OP?
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Last edited by phasesofthemoon; April 24th, 2011 at 12:42 PM.. Reason: to add*
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Unread April 24th, 2011, 03:20 PM   #9
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Default Re: How to break up... when you live together and have no job and nowhere to go?!

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Originally Posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
How'd ya manage that? No job, not married, no skills, (that you mention).
My guess is that she means she can stay there legally for 3 months, which is about standard for max visa time.
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Unread April 25th, 2011, 12:34 AM   #10
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Default Re: How to break up... when you live together and have no job and nowhere to go?!

I love it when people post asking desperately for help, and don't respond to their own posts.


RE-TAR-DED.
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Unread April 25th, 2011, 12:44 AM   #11
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Default Re: How to break up... when you live together and have no job and nowhere to go?!

They usually disappear as soon as anyone asks a question or, they hear something that they don't like. Or, they're a troll and they got owned.
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Unread April 25th, 2011, 02:29 AM   #12
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Default Re: How to break up... when you live together and have no job and nowhere to go?!

Hey now.. still here. Just away from my computer for the day.

To answer your questions - I'm actually, by fluke of birth, a dual English and Canadian citizen. I was born here and have an English passport. I moved away with my parents when I was a few months old, though, so I'm pretty much Canadian as far as my head, accent and family situation goes. It's just easier to explain it like that than tell my whole life story.

As for why I moved here and all that.. being English, I had plans to come live here after finishing uni, and then we met (online, yes) and visited back and forth a few times, and then, instead of moving straight to London as planned, he asked if I wanted to come live with him in Newcastle. So, we did. I got a job, and saved a bit of money, I wasn't relying on him. Unfortunately, my bit of saved money won't touch a ticket home or first and last month's rent here, especially after so recently moving to London. Not to mention, I don't get the feeling that anyone wants to rent to someone who's temping and job hunting, when there are so many more financially secure applicants.

I'm still in the planning stages, trying to figure out what I want to do when we split. It isn't a flee-for-your-life situation. I just want to get my head around what happens when the time comes to split, because right now I just have no idea where to start.

The C.A.B. sounds like a good shout, as does actually figuring out what the devil I want to do next. I'm pretty sure I want to stay regardless, but..

Anyway, thanks for the replies and tough love. Keep em coming. Sometimes you don't realize how weird your situation is until you see people's responses to it.
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Unread April 27th, 2011, 02:26 PM   #13
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Default Re: How to break up... when you live together and have no job and nowhere to go?!

ThingyStuff, it is over. You are dragging a dead angry horse around. Get out. You are a long time over due in getting out. He is not special. And by your description he sounds like a horrible ugly twat. Get out and stop settling for crumbs.
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