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The Long Haul Are you past the flirting and dating stage? Wondering if there's life after 6 months with the same person? If you're in a serious long term relationship, this is your one-stop shop for questions and answers.

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Unread August 3rd, 2010, 03:41 PM   #1
Charibdes
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Default Jealous about past lovers

I named this thread "Jealousy issues" but I am afraid it is a far more complicated conundrum than just mere jealousy.
It's a long story so let me not waste any further time:
I fell head over in heels in love with the most perfect girl 16 years ago. She confided to me that she had 5 lovers previously to me but she was the first girlfriend I ever had. During the early stages of our courtship it did not bother me at all as I was just the most luckiest guy alive to have such a gorgeous and amazing lady. Things however changed after we had sex the first time (about 4 months into the relationship). The levee broke and I was consumed with jealousy to think that other men also experienced the wonderful intimacy that we share. I fell into a deep bout of depression about this. It is not that I thought she was a slut for having previous lovers, I just wished I had the same opportunities so that everything was less complicated and I could be her sexual "peer".
Shortly thereafter she fell pregnant and we got married out of wedlock. We were both very young (I was in my early 20's and she 18) The first few years were very difficult but we were very supportive of each other and we worked hard to make the marriage work.
It is now 15 years later and we are still happily married with 2 more children.She is a wonderful lady and I do not doubt her loyalty and devotion to me for one second and I am very much in love with her and could not have asked for a better partner in a million lifetimes.
The problem however is this: I worked really hard and initially buried all the old demons but for no apparent reason they have recently resurfaced from the lake of the past all bloated and grotesque and back with a vengeance. Now 15 YEARS later I am reliving all the emotional turmoil I initially experienced with even greater intensity.
I feel that while she have had a lot of experience with different men I never had opportunity to explore that side of my life. If I can have it all over I would have had active sexual relationships prior so our relationship(even if it was solicited!!) so that the equilibrium was restored and all these horrid feelings that almost make me physically hurt was never there in the first place. Most forums that discuss the issues of jealousy always say it is unfair to be obsessive/jealous about your partners ex lovers and I agree as I am generally not jealous and unreasonable. The strongest argument that people post on these forums is however always thisoesnt it go both ways. How does she feel about your past lovers? But what if you NEVER HAD any past lovers.
I feel my self esteem is sinking and there is no way for me past this paradox. I will always feel sexually inferior to her even if I she says I am the best lover she ever had. (How would I REALLY, REALLY know?)
Lately I have been thinking of committing adultry just to restore the the balance so that I am no longer the loser virgin who never got the change to explore his wild side before settling down. I know this is a bad irrational idea and I love my wife and kids dearly but things are eating me up inside and I don't know what else to do. I will do anything to make these stabbing shreds of broken glass in my brain go away.
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Unread August 3rd, 2010, 04:01 PM   #2
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Default Re: Jealous about past lovers

I'm not sure how much advice I can offer you, but I think I can understand why you'd feel the way you do. You two got married young, and since she's your first partner - you're wondering if there is something better out there. It makes sense. Could it be that you're also unfulfilled in other aspects of the relationship, that you're looking for more? Or that since you've only really experienced her love, you wonder if there is a better one out there?

Please do not commit adultery. You have to remember that you made a commitment to your wife when you married her, and you have to stand by it. If you don't, whether she is the right love for you, she may not want you back.
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Unread August 3rd, 2010, 05:02 PM   #3
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Default Re: Jealous about past lovers

Have you shared your insecurities with your partner? If so, how did she react, do you regularly talk about it, or is it pushed away or brushed off?

Personally, I think committing adultery is a huge mistake; you have the ability (and want) to work through this together without destroying the life you built together. I do not think your issue is specifically to do with sexual experience; of 15 years of having sex with your partner you are likely far more experienced than any of the people she was sleeping with when she was in her teens. You also know her better than any of the past partners did, which means that you should know how to please her. And just because she had slept with other people in the past did not mean she knew how to please you specifically, as everyone likes different things, plus, as you get more comfortable with your partner you are more open to exploring.

My previous sexual experience prior to meeting my husband was pretty abysmal. I had a couple of boyfriends before and we did not have a lot of time or experience, also, I was not super comfortable with my body or entirely comfortable being naked with other people around. Plus most inexperienced teenage boys are finished in about a millisecond (IME), so there is not a lot of girlfriend pleasing in there. It was even the same when I met my husband, I was 18 and not super experienced (I had slept with about 4 people prior); it took years to be as open and comfortable with him as I am now. It is something that gets better with time (not with multiple partners) IMO.

If you have the means to, you should consider speaking with a professional, if it is not covered by your health plan; you should be able to find a free clinic, which could refer you to someone to talk to.

I hope you get this resolved, I have been having problems in my own relationship lately and it is difficult. Both my husband and I are seeing a counsellor separately then when we both feel we are in a good place with ourselves we will be seeing the counsellor together. I think a lot of relationships could benefit from occasional counselling.
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Unread August 3rd, 2010, 06:20 PM   #4
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Default Re: Jealous about past lovers

You need to confess this to your partner either one on one, or with the help of a third party (therapist) Perhaps she'll be receptive to you opening up your marriage so that you can experiment. If she's not, she'll at least be more perceptive to keeping you sexually satisfied that way you want to be or, she'll be open to the therapy.

Keeping it to yourself and going behind her back will guilt you out, you'll change, she'll notice that you're not who you usually are and you'll be discovered.. bad things for you and her will result.

You need to change your feeling/mindset of having missed out. If you can't do that then you need to talk to someone about it. Hopefully, you'll find the balls to discuss your feelings of having missed out with her and she'll think of ways to make you forget that you've missed out.
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Unread August 3rd, 2010, 06:32 PM   #5
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Default Re: Jealous about past lovers

If all you're looking for it physical gratification, in the dark one woman is as good as another. Value your mate for who she is and all you've been through, and nobody will be able to hold a candle to her. Even in the dark.
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Unread August 7th, 2010, 10:59 AM   #6
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Default Re: Jealous about past lovers

This is the fate we have given ourselves to,to be number 4 or 5 or 15, to compare and be compared being upset is a waste of time.
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Unread August 7th, 2010, 04:08 PM   #7
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Default Re: Jealous about past lovers

Sounds like a mid life crisis....I think as much as you think it matters that you didn't have other partners...you have to realize just going out having sex it might feel good for the few seconds you do it but there is nothing in sex that you can get from them that you don't already get from your partner...

you wont know what that person wants, and most likely go off what made your partner feel good and that person wont like it than you end up feeling even worse than before..it wont fill the gap..as much as you think about it being fair most likely your wife hasn't thought about those guys since the day you got together long ago.....

if you really feel like you need to..you need counseling and to talk to your wife about this...its not fair to your family to go and cheat just because you feel like you been cheated out of sleeping with other people long ago....trust me its not worth the pain and you will loose everything you worked for all these years...

Couples have had three ways all the time...lol...if you want one than ask your wife..but you also need to be open to having another guy in it as well if you want her to let you sleep with other woman..than its only fair she can sleep with other men...also if you separate so you can sleep around, than remember she will have the same option to sleep with other men and most likely wont come back to you after you had your fun.
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Unread August 30th, 2010, 02:47 PM   #8
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Default Re: Jealous about past lovers

Sorry havent been online for a while. Thanks for the advise. It all seems logical and sensible but I am currently in a state where logic does not always prevail. I am completely bipolar in this situation and go from one extreme to another where I make wild passionate love to my wife twice a day to other days where I feel cold, lonely and completely emasculated. I have spoken to my SO about this but as you might imagine this is a touchy subject and should be handled with caution. The most prudent thing to do would probably be to go and see a psychologist.
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Unread August 31st, 2010, 04:35 PM   #9
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Default Re: Jealous about past lovers

Do you suspect that she is cheating on you now? Why is the jealousy coming back???
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Unread August 31st, 2010, 04:56 PM   #10
Charibdes
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Default Re: Jealous about past lovers

No not at all. I am 100% sure she is not cheating. The problem has more to do with my my own feelings of in inadequacy than anything else. I got married at 20 and she was my first but I wasn't her first. I used to battle with that fact for the first few years of our marriage but got over it (or so I thought) but now it is back with a vengeance.
I just wish I had a more colorful sexual history before her in order to balance the equation.
To add a very applicable quotation:

The things we did which we regret will be tempered by time but the things we regret we didn't do will always remain inconsolable.

I could write a song about how I feel right now but it has already been written by Ozzy Ozbourne:

I feel unhappy
I am so sad
I'v lost the best friend
That I ever had
She was my woman
I loved her so
But it's too late now
I've let her go

I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes

We shared the eves
We shared each day
In love together
We found a way
But soon the world
Had its evil way
My heart was blinded
Love went astray

I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes

It took so long
To realize
That I can still hear
her last goodbyes
Now all my days
Are filled with tears
Wish I could go back
And change these years

I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes

A f*ck it, Im going to get another beer!

Last edited by Charibdes; August 31st, 2010 at 05:19 PM..
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