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Unread July 27th, 2010, 01:08 AM   #1
SJB01
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Default Should I have a threesome?

Hi I'm new here. I've been searching the internet for "help" in deciding if I should move forward with my threesome plans.

First I'll say that I'm married to a wonderful husband of almost 9 years. He and I are very open with each other. I keep nothing from him. When we got together I was very young....about 18. He and I have always talked about possibly opening things up so I could have some sexual experience, if the time and circumstances were right. He is a bit older than I am and he has had some experiences before me. He was my first sexual partner.

I was approached by a friend of mine and her boyfriend about having a threesome. They approached me about 6 weeks ago. In the past 6 weeks we've just talked and planned things out. When I was asked, I told my husband, and he has told me he would be ok with it--- as long as we follow his rules and respect his boundaries. He thought about it for a few days and at one point we sat down and talked to my friend/her boyfriend and discussed everything my husband wanted to. What was allowed, what wasn't, safety, respect, etc....

We tentatively chose July 31st for a night to get together. My husband has known about all of the details including the sexting and whatnot. I've even visited my friends for a kiss and whatnot. My husband knows about that, too. I'm not going to hide anything from him. This is mostly about me just having an experience and learning and growing from it.

Some of my husband's rules are that I cannot kiss on the mouth with the guy involved nor can I perform oral sex on him. Everything is "fair game" with my female friend. Also he is required to wear condoms and be safe. My husband also said anal sex would not be allowed nor would anything else that would cause me 'discomfort' such as hitting, slapping, choking, biting, etc. I'm also not allowed to spend the night with them and I cannot have sex with the male without my female friend present. There are other rules such as no video recording or photography, no extra "visitors" or "participants", and a few other minor details. I fully plan to respect every boundary set by my husband.

My husband and I have fantasized about this. He helped me take sexy pictures to share, (not x rated). He has been excited for me to do this, yet he has had his concerns too.

I love my husband. He loves me. We have a great sex life. I love our sex life. I would be lying if I didn't say I'm curious to be with other people since I have never been with anyone before my husband. But do I NEED it? No.

With all that being said, should I move forward? I get very excited but nervous, too. The other couple is very excited but my friend and I have agreed that our friendship and my marriage is more important than any sexual games between us. If anything got weird or if anyone got uncomfortable, we'd call it off.

I feel like it has been well thought out. Can anyone offer advice or thoughts about this?

My first priority is my marriage. My husband is excited for me but naturally he is nervous about it. I feel the same way, naturally. We're open, honest, and we wouldn't deceive one another.

Thoughts?

Thanks so much.

Sorry so long.
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Unread July 27th, 2010, 01:20 AM   #2
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Default Re: Should I have a threesome?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SJB01 View Post
Hi I'm new here. I've been searching the internet for "help" in deciding if I should move forward with my threesome plans.

First I'll say that I'm married to a wonderful husband of almost 9 years. He and I are very open with each other. I keep nothing from him. When we got together I was very young....about 18. He and I have always talked about possibly opening things up so I could have some sexual experience, if the time and circumstances were right. He is a bit older than I am and he has had some experiences before me. He was my first sexual partner.

I was approached by a friend of mine and her boyfriend about having a threesome. They approached me about 6 weeks ago. In the past 6 weeks we've just talked and planned things out. When I was asked, I told my husband, and he has told me he would be ok with it--- as long as we follow his rules and respect his boundaries. He thought about it for a few days and at one point we sat down and talked to my friend/her boyfriend and discussed everything my husband wanted to. What was allowed, what wasn't, safety, respect, etc....

We tentatively chose July 31st for a night to get together. My husband has known about all of the details including the sexting and whatnot. I've even visited my friends for a kiss and whatnot. My husband knows about that, too. I'm not going to hide anything from him. This is mostly about me just having an experience and learning and growing from it.

Some of my husband's rules are that I cannot kiss on the mouth with the guy involved nor can I perform oral sex on him. Everything is "fair game" with my female friend. Also he is required to wear condoms and be safe. My husband also said anal sex would not be allowed nor would anything else that would cause me 'discomfort' such as hitting, slapping, choking, biting, etc. I'm also not allowed to spend the night with them and I cannot have sex with the male without my female friend present. There are other rules such as no video recording or photography, no extra "visitors" or "participants", and a few other minor details. I fully plan to respect every boundary set by my husband.

My husband and I have fantasized about this. He helped me take sexy pictures to share, (not x rated). He has been excited for me to do this, yet he has had his concerns too.

I love my husband. He loves me. We have a great sex life. I love our sex life. I would be lying if I didn't say I'm curious to be with other people since I have never been with anyone before my husband. But do I NEED it? No.

With all that being said, should I move forward? I get very excited but nervous, too. The other couple is very excited but my friend and I have agreed that our friendship and my marriage is more important than any sexual games between us. If anything got weird or if anyone got uncomfortable, we'd call it off.

I feel like it has been well thought out. Can anyone offer advice or thoughts about this?

My first priority is my marriage. My husband is excited for me but naturally he is nervous about it. I feel the same way, naturally. We're open, honest, and we wouldn't deceive one another.

Thoughts?

Thanks so much.

Sorry so long.
You've discussed this with your husband, he's agreed (with boundaries), you've set a date for it. This leads me to ask three questions:

1. Why are you asking strangers on a Vanilla forum board for their input about this? There are tons of other forums on this type of thing that would give you much more insight from many more who have experienced this.

2. Why isn't your husband joining you and your friends?

3. Will you be okay with it when/if he wants a threesome of his own without you there?
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Unread July 27th, 2010, 01:27 AM   #3
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Default Re: Should I have a threesome?

1. I don't know. It's something I want to be totally smart about. I'm looking for people who have maybe been there, done that and can give advice. And I can't find anything on the net where a wife steps out of the relationship for a threesome. All of what I find is usually where a married couple does it, or where a boyfriend wants it for himself. This seems to be unusual.

2. My friends didn't approach me about a group thing. I don't know if my husband would involve himself in a situation with another man (not sure...we haven't talked about it really). And, we only briefly discussed maybe bringing someone home with us. This particular friend of mine doesn't want to be with other men.

3. No. I wouldn't want my husband to have a threesome without me. Should it be tit for tat? I mean, I hate guns and don't own any. He on the other hand has a permit to carry one and he owns one. You know? If he's ok with it, thats one thing. If he weren't ok with it, I'd NEVER do it in a million years.
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Unread July 27th, 2010, 01:58 AM   #4
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Default Re: Should I have a threesome?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SJB01 View Post
1. I don't know. It's something I want to be totally smart about. I'm looking for people who have maybe been there, done that and can give advice. And I can't find anything on the net where a wife steps out of the relationship for a threesome. All of what I find is usually where a married couple does it, or where a boyfriend wants it for himself. This seems to be unusual.

2. My friends didn't approach me about a group thing. I don't know if my husband would involve himself in a situation with another man (not sure...we haven't talked about it really). And, we only briefly discussed maybe bringing someone home with us. This particular friend of mine doesn't want to be with other men.

3. No. I wouldn't want my husband to have a threesome without me. Could it be tit for tat? I mean, I hate guns and don't own any. He on the other hand has a permit to carry one and he owns one. You know? If he's ok with it, thats one thing. If he weren't ok with it, I'd NEVER do it in a million years.
1,Google "Loveshack Lifestyle" or "swinger forums" or "sexual experimentation" or anything with key words about your situ that should find you something.

2. The group "thing can include female/female, female/male.. the men don't have to even touch unless they're so inclined. I just thought having your hubby there might make you less angsty about it all. You could switch opposit sex partner sorta thing.

3. You say: No. I wouldn't want my husband to have a threesome without me. but if he should want to do the same thing with one of his own threemsomes one day and if you're not okay with him doing it (but you've already done it) then you should discuss that you're not comfortable with him doing the same thing and get that out in the open as well. If he's willing to let you share, then I'm almost certain that it will come up that he may very well want to one day as well. Perhaps he never will? But you should let him know how you feel so that it doesn't cause problems later and should it crop up.

I know of some in open marriages. The men are'nt sitting on the sidelines and not participating as well. I can only see that happening if a guy has ED issues or something.

Good luck, to each their own.
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Unread July 28th, 2010, 07:24 AM   #5
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Default Re: Should I have a threesome?

If I haven't thought of something sexual enough and feel like it enough to the point where it would be as banal as asking myself if I should be doing this or that position, I'd stay away from that (something sexual I'm questioning myself about).
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Unread July 28th, 2010, 12:01 PM   #6
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Default Re: Should I have a threesome?

If your friendship is important, then I don't think I'd do this with my friend. I know you don't want to be with strangers, but being with two other people that aren't involved with each other and that you aren't so close to would be better.
It doesn't sound like there will be any problems between you and your husband over this latter, but I'd be more concerned about the friend. If this is her first threesome, it could cause trouble between her and her boyfriend, and between you and her. Even the most thought out plan can go wrong when emotions are involved. Sex can be just sex, but then it would have to be between people who are not emotionally involved in any way with each other.
A threesome can be very fun and exciting for some people, and it can all go well. It sounds like you could have a wonderful experience, I would just maybe re think doing this with the couple you have chosen.
Good luck
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Unread July 28th, 2010, 10:12 PM   #7
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Default Re: Should I have a threesome?

We looked online and found "rules of a threesome" and all 4 of us have reviewed the "rules" that would lead to a successful threesome. I've had private conversations with my friend to make sure she was sure, that she wasn't pressured, or anything. This was her idea, she said, and she is very excited. She considers herself a very sexual person and she said she just wants the experience. She is happy with choosing me, so to speak, because we are comfortable with each other, we know we're clean of STD's, and where I'm married and in a committed relationship, she has no worry of me wanting more from her man. They have made me feel so comfortable with this. I mean, it's way outside of my comfort zone and it's not within my character to do this. That is why we've done so much research. But I want do this....it feels so "crazy" to me and it's just exciting. I'm not the type of person who can go to a bar, pick a guy, and go screw him. LOL I got with my husband when I was 18. I grew up in a small town. I had never been with anyone else. And I've grow up and have grown curious. We just want to be smart about it, again. With all that said, I'm a little nervous. I just want to make sure all parties are ok with what goes on. And my husband has said "You can't go back to the way it was pre-threesome after you do it" and he's right. So I'm just cautious. I feel like what I've read online is just mixed.... many say yes, do it, it's a great experience...and many say no, don't do it.

Thanks for your replies. I know I'm new here and I just come post something crazy like this. The other person was like "Why are you posting this here?" I just wasn't sure where to go for advice. We have all 4 SWORN up and down not to tell a soul. So I can't even go to my best friend for her thoughts on it which I really want to. Anyway....

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it.
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Unread July 30th, 2010, 02:52 AM   #8
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Default Re: Should I have a threesome?

Do not take this the wrong way, but you should have experimented with this sort of things before you got married. You doubt a lot right now, what is holding you back? Make up your mind, and ask yourself the question, do I really wanna do this? If you are leaning towards yes, then do it. If not, don't, since you said it yourself, you don't need it. You will deal with the consequences afterwards. Don't make up excuses and say "this is unusual for me", or "me and my husband share everything" because it is unusual for everybody before they do it the first time. Right now it seems that you are trying too hard to convince yourself/and others that it is okay. Why convince us/youself if you really believe it is okay? Or don't you?

I personally believe that marriage is sacred, whether your husband wants you to do this or not. What ever sexual desire you have now (threesome) does not belong in a marriage. I really feel that you missed the train that left 9 years ago, and you are trying to catch up now. Sorry if this sounds negative, but would you feel comfortable if people found out about this after you do it?

If this does not belong to your character, than don't do it just because it sounds exciting, or because other people are trying to convince you, do it because you want to do it, and feel ready to deal with the consequences (your husband might want to do it too, with two other girls). This is going to be your new YOU, and you have to be ready for that. Do you feel ready? And feel ready if people found out about this, and "judge" you, would you feel ready to deal with that too?

How do you feel after reading my post? Because I was kinda hard on you (on purpose).

Goodluck!

Last edited by BenCrem; July 30th, 2010 at 02:58 AM..
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Unread July 30th, 2010, 03:29 AM   #9
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Default Re: Should I have a threesome?

I used to think "this is right" and "this is wrong", the rules I grew up with. I'm more open minded now, and while I wouldn't go down this track I would never tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do. It is between you, your husband and your friends. If everyone is okay with it then go for it and enjoy it.

However, I notice you need the okay from others which makes me wonder if you are really okay with it. I would encourage you to search your true feelings for what you want and not just go on "the ride" because everyone else is saying it's okay - including your husband. I recall the movie "Indecent Proposal". All were in agreement at first but it did put a serious dent in their relationship. It's a movie but what seems a good idea can have consequenses. You have to live with the decision if you go through with it. Equally, you would have to live with the decision not to - what if I had taken the opportunity. Thay may never come up again.

What happens after the experience? How will you feel? How will you talk to your husband or your friends? What happens if you really like it and want to persue it further? Just a few extra things for you to think about.

Let your gut be your guide. No-one else can make that decision for you. Good on you both for having such a close relationship that you can discuss it with each other.
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Unread July 30th, 2010, 05:13 AM   #10
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Default Re: Should I have a threesome?

BenCrem did you ever had casual sex? It's meaningless. Lots of couple know that and it's the reason why there's lots of open marriages ; those people prefer to have regulated escapades rather than build-up frustration then cheat, not because they had sex with someone else but haven broken the rules of your relation.

Her husband did talk seriously about it and said it would be ok. Now if he didn't think thoroughly before having such a serious talk then regret it, he should assume his mistake. If she didn't foresee the possibility of emotional attachment, thus being more than casual (instead of going with a stranger you have little chance of meeting again), she should assume her mistake.

People make mistakes all the time but the world keep turning and humanity doesn't crumble. Distrust is harder to get over than regret.
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Unread July 30th, 2010, 08:54 AM   #11
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Default Re: Should I have a threesome?

It seems to me that you've thought this through a lot, and discussed it with all the parties concerned. While threesomes are definitely not for me, I think that if this is what you want, and everyone is okay with it, then you should go for it.

I will reiterate 2 points, though.

1. Your friend. You need to be sure that jealousies will not arise from her watching you have sex with her husband.

2. Your husband. It seems like this is okay with him. He's told you what his boundaries are, and you and eveyone has agreed to them. But I still think that you need to discuss with him that him having a threesome without you involved would NOT be okay. I know he's not asking for it at all, but as other have pointed out, it could come up in the future.
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Unread July 30th, 2010, 03:19 PM   #12
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Default Re: Should I have a threesome?

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BenCrem did you ever had casual sex? It's meaningless.
To you. And perhaps even to those people whom you describe. But that doesn't mean your opinion applies to her. You have no right to tell someone that sex should mean nothing to them.

Quote:
Some of my husband's rules are that I cannot kiss on the mouth with the guy involved nor can I perform oral sex on him. Everything is "fair game" with my female friend. Also he is required to wear condoms and be safe. My husband also said anal sex would not be allowed...
It's good to know that your mouth and ass are more important to him than the rest of you, right?

Quote:
I cannot have sex with the male without my female friend present.
Why not? What difference would it make? You're still being fucked by another man, whether or not some other chick is there or not is irrelevant to that fact.
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Unread July 30th, 2010, 03:21 PM   #13
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Default Re: Should I have a threesome?

Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself you actually want this.

This may sound weird, but hear me out. Sometimes our sexual fantasies should remain fantasies. I have many and yes they are very tempting to try but I know that in the end the gain will be far less than the hurt. Maybe this one of the ones which should remain a fantasy.

Good luck.
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Unread July 30th, 2010, 04:30 PM   #14
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Default Re: Should I have a threesome?

Look, I'm pretty open-minded and I think if all parties are for it, you should do it. You have to be completely prepared, emotionally and mentally, for possible repercussions though.

And a question: why can't it be a foursome so your husband can take part as well? Does he show any concerns about being excluded?

If it was me, if I was in a threesome, I'd rather it be two strangers (well, not COMPLETE strangers, but people I knew I wouldn't have to see again regularly) than with friends. But that's me. I would feel weird around my friends afterwards, having shared something so intimate and private with them.

It's a hard one. You don't really KNOW what could come out of this situation until you've done it, and by then it's too late. But when it comes to the crunch, you'll know whether it FEELS right.

In the end though, it's all up to you girl. None of us can make this decision for you.
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Unread July 30th, 2010, 05:26 PM   #15
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Default Re: Should I have a threesome?

Okay, I have read all this and you have received an across the board range of comments pro and con and in between. Each with valid points. Hear me out on this: So your what 27? I was married at 18 and with him for 15 years. The sex life was>>>>>BOARING!!!!. 2 years after the divorce, I met the man of my dreams. Sexual chemistry blew the roof off. We are no longer together for many reasons, but one of the biggest was just this. Takeing a bed room fantacy and wanting to act in out in real life. I had never entertained the thought of a 3-some or "swinging" etc. but over the course of about 2 years, the "pillow talk" turned into reality talk, slowly, from him to me. What he wanted me to try so he could watch, then maybe he might partake...etc... In the beginning, I went along with it because I thought "what the heck, be open and try something new". AND I also thought that by agreeing with him i was pleasing him and keeping him interested. Bottom line "keeping him"

Is this truely YOUR IDEA????? or is this something that has manifested out of bed room fantacies? I'm sorry, but if you love your husband as much as you say over and over and over, you will respect only one boundary. The love, trust and intimacy between just the 2 of you. AND you will respect that your body belongs to you and YOU call the shots, not ask for permission! Fantacies are one thing, acting on them is another. That makes no sense...he is "allowing you to have sex with another couple but giving you HIS "rules"??? Get some toys, do some roll playing. once you start introducing other people and plans into your most personal of intimate committment, sooner or later there will be consequences. May not be the week or month after the encounter, but it will happen. In the long run, i would venture to say your husband , older, with more experience will as another said, want something for him self in return. Your not old enough or emotionally ready for that. And as another said, men don't just sit on the side lines and say it's ok. There is something in it for him to be so willing to let you go yet still control your actions.

Take a step back. give it some time. IF it is truely something meant to be, it will play it's self out in natural form with out having to re assure your self here or keep talking about it. It seems to me like your trying to please him and that in and of it's self turns you on as well.
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Unread July 30th, 2010, 07:37 PM   #16
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Default Re: Should I have a threesome?

Tomorrow's the big day, from what the OP said. If you read this before the big date, just stop in your tracks and do not do this. There will be messiness, if you go ahead with it. This will come back to bite you in some way. If you have a good thing with your husband, have the good sense to leave well enough alone.
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Unread July 30th, 2010, 09:14 PM   #17
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Default Re: Should I have a threesome?

GeekyQc, matter of fact I did have casual sex, and I must agree with you, that it is meaningless (imo), that's the reason why I don't want to do it anymore. It's nothing compared to making love to someone you really love and care for!

I personally believe that if you really love, and want to with someone, and truly care for that person, you will not develop the need to have casual sex with others/strangers. To continuously love someone is not an easy thing, you have to work at it, and make sure that the relationship stays healthy.
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Unread July 30th, 2010, 09:46 PM   #18
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GeekyQc is infamous around these partsGeekyQc is infamous around these parts
Default Re: Should I have a threesome?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BenCrem View Post
To continuously love someone is not an easy thing, you have to work at it, and make sure that the relationship stays healthy.
I'm totally agreeing with you on this.
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