I Have A Crush On A Hot Guy At My Gym

[jupiter]

Identifying in yourself when you feel shy is the first step to learning to overcome shyness, and it is often (but not always) a good indicator of how you learned the behavior in the first place. Once you are able to pinpoint interactions with people that make you feel this way, you can begin to understand why you're feeling the way you do, and hopefully work past it.

A good example of this can be found in your own description of what happened earlier with your new friend Chris:

Anyways Chris was at the gym today, in fact he was at the Front desk again and I looked right at him with a smile as I checked in and he looked like he was looking over my head out the front door. Its the first time since this all started that he didn't look right at me and it bugged me to the point that I convinced myself that I'm stupid & pathetic for thinking I actually have a shot with this guy.. I just took my class and when I got out I didn't see him anywhere so I just went about doing my normal machines.

You have been assuming that Chris has been evaluating and checking you out from a distance (like you've been doing with him). When this was perceived to not be the case, you immediately started to feel "shy" (rejected) and decided not to talk to Chris because you felt he was indirectly turning you away by looking out the front door as though you were not there. Then you started to berate yourself for thinking someone like him could be interested in you, and I'd imagine there was some anxiety involved as well which made you feel like you just wanted to GTFO.

You've been thinking your way around this guy for a while now, this can be thought of as cognitive anxiety (it's all in your head); from that, you developed feelings of "GTFO" (now it's affecting your emotional well-being), and then you fell back on the tried and true behavior of following through on leaving or making yourself less vulnerable to rejection by removing yourself from that situation (however long that was; incidentally, exercise increases the production of chemicals that "raises" our moods, which probably helped you go looking for him after you were done). Since leaving those types of situations produced a "positive" result because it makes you feel less shy or anxious, that negative thought process is reinforced.

The more this type of thing happens, the more likely you are to repeat the behavior because of the "reward" you feel from not being uncomfortable any longer.

As far as the origin of the reinforcement of your negative behavioral patterns, that's something we currently do not have enough information from you on, but a good starting point is how your parents treated you and reacted to you when you were very young. Were other family members (brothers/sisters/cousins) given more attention than you? Were your parents around a lot? How was their relationship? Your brain records/remembers everything you see, hear, taste, touch, smell, and feel, etc. and as a result, it can even stem from actions that you do not even consciously remember. Even something as innocuous as "Why can't you be more like <name>." can start a person down the road of negatively reinforced behavioral patterns.

Do your feelings of shyness primarily come from what you think about yourself? What about through physical signs (shortness of breath, butterflies in your stomach, pounding heart)? Or do you just feel uncomfortable with public social interactions (meaning, you're unsure of how to act, what to say)? Or a bit of everything?

I'd wager it's primarily how you perceive yourself based on some of what you've written here, but you know you far better than I could hope to from a few lines of text, but you seem to be pretty perceptive and aware of what's going on around you. If this is the case, you must re-teach yourself that the world doesn't revolve around you, that other people aren't as aware of their surroundings as you, and as a result, not everyone is eying your every move just waiting for you to make a mistake.

This means you just need to relax and not be so hard on yourself. Stop berating yourself for every little mistake! Everyone makes mistakes; you do, Chris does, I do. The world isn't going to end if you say "fart" instead of "art" in a conversation with a cute guy. It also means that not everything is your fault; it's good to take responsibility for your actions, but not to the point that it's unreasonable.

Remember that no one individual is liked by everybody; some people just cannot get along (for any number of reasons), so if you do happen to get rejected by a prospective guy, all it means is that he probably wasn't right for you. And isn't that the purpose of dating, trying to find the right mate that fits for you? It generally doesn't happen on the first try, or heck, even the fifth or twelfth! Learning to be patient with yourself is a great tip too (for everyone).

Seeing a therapist will definitely be of help for you, I think. Good luck.


v-----------be water, my friend--------------v

[Fusion Cuisine]

Originally Posted by Kuky

My intent was not to bring scientific rigour into the picture. My intent was to present her with a model that is more USEFUL when it comes to overcoming obstacles in life. In this case, it is more useful because it takes away her permission to act as if it were out of her control.

Yeah I understand – that's what I was trying to say with my reply to the bit I quoted from Shygirl.

Originally Posted by Kuky

I also found a description of the "fear of falling" experiments. One example is that if you put a pit/hole under a layer of plexiglass between a child and its mother, the child will crawl over a shallow pit, but not over a deeper pit, instead showing signs of anxiety, etc.

Ah I guessed there'd be some clever way I hadn't immediately thought of. But did they do that experiment on babies that have absolutely no experience of falling any distance whatsoever? I'll have to have a read myself

Originally Posted by Kuky

As for being born shy, this is an interesting read:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...re-we-born-shy

The closest thing to shyness at/near birth there is is "inhibited temperament" which, through bad nurture, can lead a child to developing shyness.

Yeah, interesting article, but I do think it starts somewhat down the wrong path.

“All three characteristic features of shyness involve a sense of self. And the sense of self does not develop until approximately 18 months of age. Since individuals are not born with a sense of self, they cannot be born shy.”

“Born” isn't a very useful word here. The guy's argument holds up if you say it's about how someone actually behaves when they're born, but not if you're taking about the genes they are born with.

A child isn't born with a beard. A child isn't born with grey hair. Those things develop later in life, and while they might be influenced to some extent by environmental factors such as diet and lifestyle, few people would argue that they are not very much determined by genes.

So in the same way, it's not much of a stretch to say that while someone isn't born immediately behaving shyly, they could well be born with a tendency to develop shyness once the sense of self develops.

Originally Posted by ShyGirlsMadness

Since you guys are so knowledgeable about learned behavior.. I am curious, if Shyness is a learned behavior, how does one learn to be shy??

Good stuff from Jupiter above.

[Kuky]

I very much doubt there is a "shy gene" - shyness is really a behaviour. It's something you DO. It's not that "not being shy" is something you have to learn... it's just that being shy is something you have to stop doing.

It can be learned really, really easily, and pretty fast if you live with shy parents. Or, if you have been shamed a lot when you were young, that can have an effect too. Imagine a fun-loving, carefree child, with not an ounce of self-consciousness, running around, having a great time. Then, one of the grandparents comes around and visits, and he's in a foul mood for no reason, and sees this carefree child having a great time, and says "YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF" (for whatever reason). Sometimes, such a simple thing is all it takes, when you're young.

As for unlearning it, the short-short summary is: Observe your thoughts.

Perform an experiment for me. Close your eyes and think about a time when you'd be shy. Get reeeal vivid with it. Get yourself into that state of shyness the only way you know how. And then, once you really feel it, un-label it. Describe it to yourself in terms that do NOT involve judgment (like "shyness" or "frustration" or "anger")... Instead, describe it only in terms of how it feels PHYSICALLY (pressure, location, temperature, colour, expanding, contracting, spinning, prickly, etc.) Just do that for a few minutes. Also, do that anytime you're experiencing it first-hand.

What this allows you to do is to dis-identify from it. You're decoupling the arbitrary feeling you're feeling from the egoistic judgment that "this is shyness and you are therefore shy." I've seen guys who have anxiety attacks just at the thought of talking to women turn around extremely quickly with this simple "observe-without-judgment what's going on inside you" exercise.

[ShyGirlsMadness]

Originally Posted by jupiter

:

As far as the origin of the reinforcement of your negative behavioral patterns, that's something we currently do not have enough information from you on, but a good starting point is how your parents treated you and reacted to you when you were very young. Were other family members (brothers/sisters/cousins) given more attention than you? Were your parents around a lot? How was their relationship? Your brain records/remembers everything you see, hear, taste, touch, smell, and feel, etc. and as a result, it can even stem from actions that you do not even consciously remember. Even something as innocuous as "Why can't you be more like <name>." can start a person down the road of negatively reinforced behavioral patterns.

Do your feelings of shyness primarily come from what you think about yourself? What about through physical signs (shortness of breath, butterflies in your stomach, pounding heart)? Or do you just feel uncomfortable with public social interactions (meaning, you're unsure of how to act, what to say)? Or a bit of everything?

Wow... thanks for all that info.. It really opened my eyes.

Growing up at first was awesome, Everything was great and then my Parent's split up and it was nasty divorce that went on for years. I was 7 going on 8 when it happened and all my older siblings were teenagers so when my parents would fight they'd leave to their friends houses and I'd be left at the house with my fighting parents and my mother often dragged me into the room when her and my dad would fight.. that was traumatic. My mom is an alcoholic she hit rock bottom and stayed there my whole childhood and teenage years.

My brother's and sisters went off on their own, did their own thing to get away from my mom and her drinking, They tried to take me with them but my mom would get into physical fights with them over me. Anyways She's get piss drunk in our garage all night long I would go in there and practically carry her to bed and put the water & Aspirin on her night stand for the hangover the next morning.

My mom was so angry at my dad that she took it out on me because he had left and I was her constant reminder of him. She would indeed tell me "I wish you were more like Connie" my best friend & Neighbor & my moms goddaughter. My mom would call me a bitch and tell me I was fat, and put me down really bad.. Pretty much everyone I loved had either left me or was too involved in themselves to care about my well-being. My dad was single and loving it and rarely came to see me because I did get in the way of his "Single Life" but also because my mom wouldn't let him see me either.

School life wasn't the best either... I got bullied because I wore big glasses and was chubby.. Middle School is when I got into boys and my first Crush was the sweetest boy ever because he found out I liked him and pulled me aside in 4th period art class and said he was flattered but that he really liked my friend Vivian and that he really like having me as friend and didn't want to lose that with me. We hugged and we remained good friends all through middle school and high school, even helped him get together with my friend Vivian. But he was the only boy that was nice like that. I had other crushes and every single one of them would be my friend until they found out I liked them and then be really mean to me for no reason.. I got called everything from a fat whore to a four - eyed freak. One guy in high school who I didn't even like but was actually trying to get to talk to my friend who did like him sent me a note one day telling me that I need to leave him alone because I am a sick freak and so ugly not even a lesbian would want me.

I'd go through all this at school all day and come home to my drunk mother who would berate me just as badly. So I became more and more shy around guys because I became very afraid of getting picked on just because I felt I was an easy target for everyone.

I look back at my old high school photos now and I wasn't that heavy, I was chubby and yeah the glasses were ridiculous but I was very pretty and I still am pretty.

It wasn't until 3 and a half years ago that I got away from my mom, we lost our house and she went to San Diego and I came to my grandparents house to care for them. As soon as I got here I had the freedom to grow up and be an adult, my mom held me back so bad.

I got my license, my car, my job, my first boyfriend within a year of moving here... its only been 3 years but I have come a long way and I love me, and accept my curves and my full figure. I have more self confidence & Self esteem now than ever before and going to the gym has helped me embrace my body that much more.

But as you all know the shyness is still there and I am realizing now that it is because the past left me with an emotional scar...

Sorry if this is TMI but I wanted to answer your questions as thoroughly as possible

[ShyGirlsMadness]

Alright lets be getting back to Chris & I...

As you all know I finally approached him this past Saturday, we had a great talk and his friend/Assistant Manager even kinda blatantly pointed out my excitement at just hearing his name lol.

Well I didn't go to the gym Sunday so last night (Monday) was my first night back in since speaking to Chris. He approached me twice the first time was to get me introduced to my personal trainer Marianne but.. he'd been watching me and she only happened to pass by right then. he came over to me alone with a smile and asked "How are you doing tonight?" I said "Hey Chris I'm Good Thanks, What's up?" He motioned for Marianne to come over and had me schedule my first session with her, he then left us and that was that. About 20 minutes later I'm on a completely different machine and he walks by and says "Your doing great girl, Did you schedule your session??" I completely didn't hear him so I was like "huh?" and he repeated and responded with "Yup Friday at 6pm" he said "That's great" and started walking away and I said "Thanks" He looked back at me and smiled and said "Your Welcome" and we held eye contact for a bit before he turned around to make sure he wasn't about to walk into a machine or a person lol.

Now tonight I was back at the gym and I wasn't really trying to get his attention, just was checking him out from afar... watching him work his butt off. I wanted to say hi to him at one point but he just was too busy so I popped on my headphones and could see him out of the corner of my eye watching me. Passed by a few times and we caught eachother's glances but no words were spoken... So I was starting to think like oh man won't get to say hi to him tonight... well 15 minutes later I was on my fave ab machine without my headset on.. once again he is buzzing around nearby glancing my way and what not as I did the same. He disappeared for a cool minute and is suddenly passing by in front of me as I am resting in between sets, he's not close enough to say hi but he Shyly Waved & nodded at me and mouth "Hey" I smile and waved back and we maintained eye contact until he rounded the corner and was out of my line of sight.

So now we say "hi" to each other and we're not strangers to each other anymore.. a good step in the right direction right? I am however hoping for that moment where I we can start up a conversation and take that next step.. baby steps are slow going but its kinda really fun

Ohhh and here's another moment... last night by some stroke of insane luck, I parked right next to him and wouldn't have never known that had my mom not called me and I hadn't decided to sit in my car and talk to her, because when I hung up and answered a text I saw someone getting into the sweet ass Convertible next me, and then as the car back out I saw his face and was like.. No friggin way... convertible?? really?? nice!! lol!!

Anyways that's all that has happened so far.. more to come, but not until Thursday because I won't be able to go to the gym tomorrow gotta make my weekly visit with my mother (

So what do ya'll think of the new interactions with Chris?? Am I doing the right thing sorta just hanging back a little, or should I be a little more aggressive??

Thanks for listening to my jabber jaw... haha!!

[Adonis]

Start doing free weights.. and have him spot you.. There are so few things you can do with interactions that you might as well suck it up and find one that you can talk to him and keep him around for a lil bit...

Try that and see if it works?

[ShyGirlsMadness]

Okay.. after my gym class tomorrow night I will ask him to show me the ropes with the free weights... Got my plan hopefully it works

[OvershareDude]

good luck carrying it out ! what have you got to lose vs how much you've got to gain, go girl

[PipeDream]

About the whole shy gene thing...I've read genes "interact with the environment." I don't know if that is accurate or if I'm even getting the concept right.

But, anyway, judging from the people I come into contact with, changing your core personality is hard and requires a lot of effort, but there are CBT exercises you can do on your own that could help.

[Fusion Cuisine]

Originally Posted by PipeDream

About the whole shy gene thing...I've read genes "interact with the environment." I don't know if that is accurate or if I'm even getting the concept right.

That depends on how you mean it.

A gene is just an instruction to build a certain bit of your body in a certain way (including the 'wiring' in your brain).

Genes do interact with their environments in the sense that natural selection (or sexual selection, or artificial selection) favours genes that are reproductively successful. But genes themselves don't receive any feedback other than that. Either a combination of genes is reproductively successful or it isn't.

But the stuff your genes are responsible for making of course interacts with the environment. It's highly unlikely that one gene would make a person 'shy'. But how you react to stimuli - the number of negative experiences in a certain situation before you withdraw, etc. - is governed by your biological makeup which is the result of many genes.

[Surfa]

Originally Posted by ShyGirlsMadness

Okay.. after my gym class tomorrow night I will ask him to show me the ropes with the free weights... Got my plan hopefully it works

Get him to check your posture when you're doin flies..

[ShyGirlsMadness]

Well I went to the gym.. Couldn't find him at first but I knew he was there because I saw his car. Things were crazy busy tonight though and he was actually wearing Jeans with his work shirt and let me just say... I was loving the jeans snug in all the right places

I was early for my class and my mom called me so since we are planning to go see my grandpa this weekend I took the call and we talked for a good 20 minutes making me late for the kickboxing class.. Chris was around me, was behind me ordering from the juice bar and I hadn't even noticed until he was leaving to go back to his desk, he actually looked over his shoulder at me..

Anyways went to the class, did as much as I could until my 7 months pregnant niece from Arizona called me, ran out of the class to take the call because I was worried something was wrong with the baby. We got to talking and I went back over to the juice bar because it is quieter there.. Spotted Chris who had come back from his car with his workout clothes... he walked right by me and I looked at him and he looked at me and nodded his head like "Hey" and I waved. And he went and changed so he could work out. since I blew the first class I took a second class and Chris was still working out.. however he was gone by the time I was done


I am trying to get at this guy but things keep happening to get in the way.. but I love that he says hi to me now. I am hoping with bated breath that somehow he will be involved in my personal training session tomorrow. My trainer is actually a Gal named Marianne but I am just hoping he's involved somehow... I mean why does talking to a guy have to be like going though a friggin obstacle course?? lol

Oh.. should I say anything about my crush on Chris to Marianne if she asks me why I decided to go with personal training?? I mean I would be telling the truth lol!!

Ah well I must try again tomorrow because then I will have to wait until Monday again.. and its only a matter of time before he either hooks up with someone else or I find out he has a girlfriend.. which I am kinda doubting but not ruling out because he's working 6 days a week right now... and all day long... and he doesn't leave the gym until 9:30, sometimes 10pm depending on how late his work carries over and how long his workout is for each night..how can one have a good relationship on those kind of hours??

Alright I will update again tomorrow night

[OvershareDude]

nah I don't think you should tell her about your crush, but definitely persist with him.

Good luck tomorrow

[PipeDream]

Originally Posted by Fusion Cuisine

That depends on how you mean it.

A gene is just an instruction to build a certain bit of your body in a certain way (including the 'wiring' in your brain).

Genes do interact with their environments in the sense that natural selection (or sexual selection, or artificial selection) favours genes that are reproductively successful. But genes themselves don't receive any feedback other than that. Either a combination of genes is reproductively successful or it isn't.

But the stuff your genes are responsible for making of course interacts with the environment. It's highly unlikely that one gene would make a person 'shy'. But how you react to stimuli - the number of negative experiences in a certain situation before you withdraw, etc. - is governed by your biological makeup which is the result of many genes.

I got this from wiki, on epigenetics:

However, there is no change in the underlying DNA sequence of the organism;[1] instead, non-genetic factors cause the organism's genes to behave (or "express themselves") differently.[2]

The best example of epigenetic changes in eukaryotic biology is the process of cellular differentiation. During morphogenesis, totipotent stem cells become the various pluripotent cell lines of the embryo which in turn become fully differentiated cells. In other words, a single fertilized egg cell – the zygote – changes into the many cell types including neurons, muscle cells, epithelium, blood vessels etc. as it continues to divide. It does so by activating some genes while inhibiting others.[3]

The concept I took from it is, that while the genes don't change they "express" themselves differently. I don't claim to understand this well, just what I took from it. And yeah, I doubt there is a "shy" gene.

[ShyGirlsMadness]

*Update*

Okay so Chris was right there at the check-in desk when I walked up to scan my key tag. He said hi and I responded with an enthusiastic HEY and a big smile. I really thought that was all he was gonna say but he asked me if I had met with Marianne (Personal Trainer) I couldn't hear him very well and he couldn't hear me very well either so I walked back over and leaned on the side of the counter so that he had his back to the door and was leaning back on the desk his body shifted towards me.

Anyways he asked me if I had done my first session yet and I had said no but he didn't hear and asked me how it went.. I was like "No haven't done it yet, in fact thats why I am here" he said "oh that's great" I was like "I'm actually kinda scared" and then he said "You have nothing to worry about, Marianne is really nice, you'll be fine" and I said "Oh okay" then he said "Have a good session and I will see you in a little bit" I said "Alright see you in a bit" and went to go check in at the Personal training desk.

Well my Trainer was MIA and so I was asked to reschedule I figured I'd do some machines since there were no more classes scheduled for the day, and tell Chris about what had happened as soon as he was done with the two guys he was helping out. Well that took a long time and Marianne suddenly showed up so I got in my session afterall.. I wanted to keep my word to Chris and see him about the session when I was done but he was long gone... which sucked because I think he would have been hovering around Marianne and I had the session gone as scheduled.

So once again.. the situation didn't go my way and I left the gym excited because I was weighed again and I lost 10lbs, but really frustrated because Chris is seemingly impossible to get to at the moment. I'm pretty sure he's a smart guy and has an idea about me crushing on him, so either he's enjoying the fact that I am chasing him and wanting to see how long I will go before I just blurt out how I feel or.. he's completely clueless and has a girlfriend already and I am on a pointless scavenger hunt lol.

Either way I am about ready to just take a huge risk and just tell him

"Chris ya know I am probably making a fool out of myself here and you probably have a hot girlfriend you adore, but I really like you alot, and its okay if you don't like me back, I just am going crazy wondering about you so I I'm just putting it out there"

And then just walk away from him proud of myself for just doing it..

Should I just do that instead of all this other stuff? I mean I know I am taking a GIANT RISK with my heart doing that, but I just don't want too much more time to pass by... I don't want to be too late, I'd rather he told me he has a girlfriend already rather then.. oh I just started seeing someone..

I just know I am going crazy... and now I have to wait until Monday again to see him and try again.

Any thoughts??

[Panda]

Well I do suggest that you talk to him. However, instead of telling him that you "like him a lot" or that you "are going crazy wondering about him," just put it out there like this, plain and simple:

"Hey Chris, I wanted to check out this restaurant I haven't tried before, but other people I have asked are always so busy. You seem like someone who would be really fun to get to know outside this sweatbox. Would you like to join me?"

Because what you are thinking of doing in your last post is actually just guarding yourself more. By telling him point blank, "I like you" and walking away, you are avoiding any real contact with him. He can't say anything in response if you just say "I like you" and walk away. If you do that, he's probably NOT going to chase after you and say, "Wait! I like you too! Man I've been crushing on you for AGES!" - it doesn't work like that.

Plus, the way you're thinking of saying it seems to me like it would scare him off. How well do you know him? Probably not that well outside the gym, so how can you even tell if you REALLY like who he is? Why not ask him to a friendly dinner first? That way, if he says yes, you get to know him a bit better outside the gym, and can actually start working on a relationship slowly.

If he has a girlfriend, he'll simply decline and let you know. Read his body language and that should tell you whether he's interested or not. The BEST thing you can possibly do is smile, be friendly, and be confident. Ask him out like you'd ask your best girlfriend out to dinner. Just to the point. No song and dance. PRETEND that it doesn't matter to you if he says no.

If he says, "Not this week, I'm sorry," then you just say, "No problem, maybe another time?" or something cute like, "Well, if you get hungry and have some free time, let me know!" And just be sweet. Don't start crying and take it as rejection. If he says yes, you pick a place, make the arrangement, and go. Remember, the WORST thing that can happen is that he says no.

[ShyGirlsMadness]

Actually I didn't mean I would say all that and walk away immediately, I would give him a chance to respond lol.

But It is finally Monday so I will be going to the Gym later and definitely will be telling him about how my Personal training went last week Actually I am almost positive he will ask me about it before I ask him, and I have a feeling he will be waiting at the check in desk when I walk in later

I want to flirt with him though, but I don't really know how to start flirting lol, and so if he asks me about my weekend I am gonna try and be cute and be like.. " OMG you wouldn't believe the weekend I had!!" If he bites on that bait then I will keep going and flirt a little here and there to see what he does.

Anyways something else has come up... that 3 year crush I mentioned I was over, His sister (who I am friends with) told him about me & Chris over the weekend while he was here visiting (he had a fight with his gf and came running to mommy, supposedly broke up with her) So when I got home last night he was outside with his friends and came over and started flirting with me. Thank god I am completely over him or I would have been the way I was before, stupid and falling for his game, making out with him etc.. I noticed though that it just wasn't flirting coming from him, he genuinely wants me and that scares me because I gave him 3 years worth of chances to be with me and he didn't take any of them.. and now that I am over him & onto someone else he thinks he can come around and have me just like that??

No friggin way, it pisses me off that he's choosing to do this now and I really don't know how to deal with him without risking allowing myself to go there again, to that place in my heart where I might fall for him again if I stay there too long because I know that when we get into it, that argument or discussion about what he's up to, its going to bring back all the emotions of the last 3 years he put me through.

Any advice on dealing with him is welcomed, as well as flirting tips to use on Chris lol!!

[primitivesilence]

well since I take my exercises/workout seriously. I have never let "hot" men come in between as if things go downhill, it would be awkward working out in the same gym again.

I just see them as eye candy *yum*

[primitivesilence]

and in all honesty, how many signals does he want?

He also has all the excuses (since hes a personal trainer) to approach you, even if its to correct your posture etc... just to strike a conversation.

[primitivesilence]

Theres only a few things I'd like to point out.

You DONT need to start stripping your clothes for a guy to notice you. That's being desperate.

You DONT need to change yourself for a guy. It will only be temporary and it wont workout for either.

You DONT need to chase guys for them to go out with you. Its desperate and kind of force like. I think you have given enough signals to this guy, have patience and stop being desperate. Now back off, the ball is in his court. If hes interested then he will approach you soon enough and if he doesnt. Move on chick.