No hugging please!

GeekyQc · July 28th, 2010, 03:47 PM

So I'm in this community and I see one of them (not the same) often when I go out, they're no friend of mine but we chit-chat and I get to know about events through them and sometime invited to a private party so I can't be impolite to any of them without suffering more than I'd bargain for.

To me hugs & kisses are reserved for people I'm really close to, a good friend or a close family member, but I always find myself doing it anyway and am so crisped while doing that: I stand far away barely touch them cussing in my head. Only 2 of those people seem to be really interested in talking to me so I appreciate their affection.

I'm not a sociable person. Usually I wouldn't care how it's done but the premise... Some of those people are really touchy too!

phasesofthemoon · July 28th, 2010, 03:55 PM

Any reason why you can't just stick out your hand for a hardy hand shake? Or, perhaps give them the old pat on the arm and then back up?

GeekyQc · July 28th, 2010, 03:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phasesofthemoon

Any reason why you can't just stick out your hand for a hardy hand shake? Or, perhaps give them the old pat on the arm and then back up?

With hands already up and a big grin on their face ? I thought it would be insulting... I don't know.

phasesofthemoon · July 28th, 2010, 04:17 PM

if their hands are already up and they have a big grin on their face, then it sounds to me that they're generally happy to see you. Why does that bother you? Do you have Aspergers or something (not said maliciously) or, is it just something you're very uncomfortable with and afraid to rock the "community" boat kind of thing?

GeekyQc · July 28th, 2010, 04:25 PM

That person never had a real conversation with me, even at that time we talked about upcoming events, do you call that a friend? Not me. Have you ever noticed at event that some people are social butterflies more busy chit-chatting & exchanging pleasantries & smile than anything else?

I think you'd notice it very quickly if I had Aspergers, an online contact (of mine) has it and it's blatant.

phasesofthemoon · July 28th, 2010, 04:31 PM

Not all Asperger's behave exactly the same way. With some it's blatant, with other's you'd not know immediately.

Perhaps if you were open to real conversations, they would have them with you. One can't always wait to have someone come up to them.. you have to make an effort too. Just like anything in any kind of interaction whether it be business, social or romantic. It takes at least two to make a deal.

GeekyQc · July 28th, 2010, 04:36 PM

Yes you're right, I need to work on my people skills but even if I was, I'm boring so it wouldn't make deep relationships anyway.

In the meanwhile I'd love to know how to refuse such a gesture politely.

phasesofthemoon · July 28th, 2010, 04:56 PM

Your body language alone should give some clue to your discomfort. If they hug you once, do they ever try to do it again?

GeekyQc · July 28th, 2010, 05:41 PM

Although not every-time, it was done more than once by a person ; I only remember one but perhaps there was others.

Deidre · July 29th, 2010, 03:06 AM

Honestly, there are some things you just have to learn to deal with if you want to move smoothly in social circumstances. Touching people is one of them.

I don't like hugging either. I used to make it blatantly clear through body language and looks that I was not to be touched and that was that. It's certainly possible, but does it do much good? The polite way is to do a pre-emptive strike and approach with an extended hand before they get a chance to choose the means of greeting, but that means being proactive.

Yes, it'd be nice if people didn't hug people who don't like to be hugged and if they wouldn't be so presumptuous as to assume close enough friendship for such an intimate touch after just saying hello once before... but it isn't exactly pleasant behaviour to publicly make a fool out of someone by shooting down their mode of greeting. If it bothers you immensely, take that person aside later out of earshot from others and let him/her know that you didn't want to make a big deal about it before but hugging makes you kind of uncomfortable. Correcting people in public is impolite, so, if you must, do it in private which causes the least harm and embarrassment.

Surfa · July 29th, 2010, 08:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GeekyQc

With hands already up and a big grin on their face ? I thought it would be insulting... I don't know.

Next time this situation presents itself, proceed to hug them as normal but add a little twist whereby you lick their ear and then blow on it. You should solve the hugging situation right there and then. Either that or they'll really turned on.

GeekyQc · July 29th, 2010, 10:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deidre

The polite way is to do a pre-emptive strike and approach with an extended hand before they get a chance to choose the means of greeting, but that means being proactive.

That will be hard because I'm not so sociably smart although I take it as an incentive to work on that, as a reminder to put effort in it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deidre

Correcting people in public is impolite, so, if you must, do it in private which causes the least harm and embarrassment.

Thank you kindly, it was once suggested to me for another situation but I didn't make the link (also it's been more than a couple year so out of mind). It's indeed better that way as it's less confrontational ; also if the conversation turn sour, better that it would be in private.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Surfa

Next time this situation presents itself, proceed to hug them as normal but add a little twist whereby you lick their ear and then blow on it.