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Unread June 22nd, 2010, 11:25 AM   #1
Blossoms
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Question "The people who are meant to be in your life will make an effort to be there." ?

"The people who are meant to be in your life will make an effort to be there."

Do you believe this?

In some ways I do, but in terms of relationships, I understand it requires a certain amount of work, time, and patience to achieve what you are happy with. But how much is too much work? What's the difference between trying too hard or giving up too soon?

I'm curious because I'm about to enter a long distance relationship for at least 6 months, if not more. I'm not really looking for advice of whether or not it's going to work, but I'm wondering how people normally find a balance between knowing when to hold on, and when to let go. I know that going in, it's going to take significant changes in how we communicate, but I'm not sure how it works.

For example, what if I feel like I want to talk to him more than we actually do? In regards to the quote above, should he naturally want to talk to me just as much as I want to talk to him? To a certain extent I feel like there is no point in making demands, but at the same time, people aren't going know exactly what to do for each other all the time. (Note: this is just an example, it's not happening yet - but it's along the lines of what I fear might potentially happen).

Sorry if this thread is all over the place... I have trouble consolidating my thoughts sometimes. I'm really just looking for general opinions with specific examples - it doesn't have to relate to my long distance thing.
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Unread June 22nd, 2010, 11:44 AM   #2
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Default Re: "The people who are meant to be in your life will make an effort to be there." ?

I would amend it to: "The people who deserve to be in your life will make an effort to be there."

There are some people you may wish to make the effort with yourself, even though they are not making themselves deserving of it, for various reasons. At least some people reason that there are some - such as parents, siblings and other people who on account of sharing genetics with you - who "deserve a another chance". Personally, I have no qualms with giving up contact with my sister on account of the fact that I disapprove of the way she treats me, our family, and two decades of disinterest in knowing me. Few people would extend that innate deservedness to boyfriends, though.

The difference between trying too hard and giving up too soon is happiness. Love is not a neat balance sheet that must always come out even, but life is as simple as this: calories in must match or exceed calories out. If you are spending more of your energy working on a relationship than you derive pleasure from it, something is very wrong and it's a losing game. No more than you can keep putting money into a venture that makes none and not go bankrupt can you keep putting energy into a relationship with non-existent or low returns, and you can bet a little with a small amount of your money, but if you put all of your money on a bet you're in trouble.

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Originally Posted by Blossoms View Post
For example, what if I feel like I want to talk to him more than we actually do? In regards to the quote above, should he naturally want to talk to me just as much as I want to talk to him?
That's a fallacy. You are making the assumption that if he doesn't talk to you just as much as you want him to, he isn't actually making an effort. That isn't necessarily true at all, is it?

Indeed, you need to learn to recognise effort when it is made. But knowing a person should tell you that, shouldn't it? My father, for example, calls me a lot less than I call him. He was raised with the attitude that children should instinctively know they are loved, they should not need praise for doing things well, and it's the child's duty to make sure they have a good relationship with the older generation. I see the effort he makes in the little gestures - finding excuses to come by, making my mother call me because I haven't called lately, nonchalantly offering his assistance with things I could easily do myself to get an excuse to feel that I need him. A person not doing exactly what you wish they would in a perfect world doesn't mean they're not doing something.
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Unread June 22nd, 2010, 11:47 AM   #3
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Default Re: "The people who are meant to be in your life will make an effort to be there." ?

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"The people who are meant to be in your life will make an effort to be there."
I don't know if I believe that "if the people were meant to be in your life they will make an effort to be there?"

What I do know is that if they WANT to be in your life they will at the very least make the effort by showing you the actions that, that's what they want. Those loving actions come pretty easily when both people are on the same page.
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Unread July 6th, 2010, 01:36 AM   #4
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Default Re: "The people who are meant to be in your life will make an effort to be there." ?

Well never reply onto anyone,when you expect people give effort in your life as the same time you have to do the same.You have to very satisfy about yourself first and let it be.Thanks for sharing.
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Unread July 9th, 2010, 09:59 AM   #5
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Default Re: "The people who are meant to be in your life will make an effort to be there." ?

Deidre, what you've said made me realize a lot of things I couldn't wrap my mind around. This probably sounds silly, but I'm making a list of 'things to keep in mind' for when I start to get overly paranoid/emotional about the whole long distance thing, and many of your points have made it to the list.

phasesofthemoon, you're right. I guess this also goes back to what Deidre said about people having different ways to show love/affection as well. I used to think that one of my friends never really cared about me, except just listened to what I had to say just because I was there and telling her about it. (She never reached out for me, I was always initiating hangouts, phone calls, etc). But after a while, I realized that she was there listening because she cared... and the reason she doesn't reach out to me as much is just to do with her personality. When things do get rough, she does reach out to me in her own way.

dsfg_lover_001, yeah, I need to know how to make myself happy and know when to quit.
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