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Unread November 14th, 2009, 08:20 PM   #1
cRonaldo9
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Default Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

I'm actually single, but while visiting some friends at college over the weekend I danced with a girl (knew her from high school) who had a boyfriend; her boyfriend wasn't able to come to the college that night.

Not that I thought of the dancing as anything other than dancing and having fun, is it within the bounds of a relationship for the girlfriend or boyfriend to dance with other guys and girls?

This issue never came up in my past relationship but I guess from my perspective I wouldn't necessarily want my girlfriend grinding up against some other guys at clubs. Just wanted to hear everyone's thoughts on this.
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Unread November 14th, 2009, 08:52 PM   #2
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

I've never been too fond of a girl that I'm dating out dancing with other dudes. I've always seen it as somewhat disrespectful. But, really, as long as it's clean, I guess there's not much harm done. Girls just want to have fun, and if you try to stifle them...eventually they will leave for greener pastures.
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Unread November 14th, 2009, 08:55 PM   #3
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

lol i suspect the bf will never hear about it, what bf would be okay with his girl grinding on another guy...
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Unread November 15th, 2009, 11:33 AM   #4
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

I don't really see any reason for why a dating/affianced/married man or woman shouldn't be dancing with other people. I've certainly never restricted my dancing to only the person I'm with, and I would definitely not expect my partner to either.

That said, I don't grind or rub up against anyone when dancing unless I'm stripping or lap dancing and I only do those things for my husband.
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Unread November 15th, 2009, 01:48 PM   #5
cRonaldo9
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

Thanks for the responses everyone. Dancing is one thing, but grinding and all of the dirty dancing that goes on at clubs is another. In the end I wouldn't make a fuss over it but I definitely wouldn't want my girlfriend grinding on another guy, just as I assume my girlfriend would not want me with girls grinding on me.
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Unread November 15th, 2009, 02:47 PM   #6
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

I agree with the distinction between "dancing" and "grinding." I love to go out and dance, but I would never dream of "grinding" on another guy whether my boyfriend was present or not.
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Unread November 15th, 2009, 05:22 PM   #7
cRonaldo9
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

I agree with you Tootsie pop. Dancing is okay, but grinding can definitely be overtly sexual.
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Unread November 16th, 2009, 07:49 PM   #8
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

Of course there's nothing to worry about, because your girlfriend is dancing at the church social on a Saturday evening, right? Other members of the congregation are there to make sure nothing gets out of hand.

It's not like she's partying at meat markets with strange men hanging all over her until 3:00 in the morning. What with the alcohol and sexually charged atmosphere. I mean, she won't be in places where the ratio of men who are there to dance innocently (ie gay men) vs. drunk men who want nothing else than to bang your girl is nonexistent. No, those places are hookup joints disguised as places to dance.

No, obviously you'd have a problem with that. Because you're not married, so what harm could come to a little grinding if the guy was hot? Maybe a slow dance, a little kissing. You'd never find out and it's not like you're married. Plus, it's only a little fun and she really does still love you. That should make it OK. If she was in those kinds of places, maybe the alcohol and the moment would combine for god knows that she'd regret the next day. Imagine you walking into a pumping nightclub and every hot girl in the place just swarmed on you trying to get into your pants. It would stay innocent, right?

No, let her have fun in the church social hall and don't worry about it. She's only going to be young once. You crazy kids and your jealousy.
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Unread November 17th, 2009, 01:08 AM   #9
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

Haha Cody5 when you put it that way you only strengthen my thoughts on this issue. Again, I was single dancing with a girl who had a BF so I wasn't going to worry but if I was her BF I don't think I would have been too pleased with her dancing with other guys.
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Unread November 17th, 2009, 01:50 AM   #10
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

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Originally Posted by cody5 View Post
It's not like she's partying at meat markets with strange men hanging all over her until 3:00 in the morning. What with the alcohol and sexually charged atmosphere. I mean, she won't be in places where the ratio of men who are there to dance innocently (ie gay men) vs. drunk men who want nothing else than to bang your girl is nonexistent. No, those places are hookup joints disguised as places to dance.

No, obviously you'd have a problem with that. Because you're not married, so what harm could come to a little grinding if the guy was hot? Maybe a slow dance, a little kissing. You'd never find out and it's not like you're married. Plus, it's only a little fun and she really does still love you. That should make it OK. If she was in those kinds of places, maybe the alcohol and the moment would combine for god knows that she'd regret the next day. Imagine you walking into a pumping nightclub and every hot girl in the place just swarmed on you trying to get into your pants. It would stay innocent, right?
So people have no moral compass and an atmosphere of drinking is enough to set them off on the wrong path? That's a very bleak view of humanity. And that's me deciding to interpret what you're saying here the best possible way, instead of reading it as misogyny.

The ratio of drunk men who would like to have sex with her is unimportant. The presence of alcohol is unimportant. It only matters if she, in turn, wants a sexual experience with them. That's the neat thing about people - they make choices. Some people choose to cheat on their partners. Some people choose to do something borderline, like grinding. Some people blame it all on alcohol, that nice handy cultural factor where people actually fool themselves into thinking that alcohol seriously changes your behaviour. Some people exercise self-control. Some of us don't even have to exercise self-control, because we don't want anyone but our partners touching us in a sexual way.
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Unread November 17th, 2009, 02:49 AM   #11
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

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Originally Posted by cRonaldo9 View Post
Haha Cody5 when you put it that way you only strengthen my thoughts on this issue. Again, I was single dancing with a girl who had a BF so I wasn't going to worry but if I was her BF I don't think I would have been too pleased with her dancing with other guys.
Damn right you wouldn't. And for a good reason. If a woman goes "dancing" a couple of times a year, sure. A little harmless flirting is OK. If she likes to "dance", the only option is meat markets. Not her fault. But she WILL get hit on continuously.

If she goes with a group of girlfriends and they reject those advances, because they are really there to dance, that's one thing. But to go on a regular basis and always have to dance with strange men is an ENTIRELY different thing. In that scenario, they are seeking the attention of men. And it's not a mechanical "Do you want to dance?", "sure, I'd love to". There is a connection. There is flirting. There is touching. There is partying with strange men until all hours of the morning. And there is ALWAYS the possibility it could lead to more with the right guy, in the right scenario, and with NO CHANCE of detection.

I've obviously got an issue with this. I've been on a few forums trying to deal with it. I've key-word searched "clubbing" on a few sites and the hits I got blew me away. I collected 5 pages worth of two-line quotes before I had to stop before I went insane (plus, I proved my point, to myself, at least).

People like Diedra, with her 8,000 posts and her "my relationship is SO mature that I don't have to worry" will wake up from a nightmare one morning and wonder what the fuck happened.. I can only presume the intentions of the girls that go clubbing. But ladies, when your man says he's going to a nightclub until 3:00 in the morning, BE VERY AFRAID. No man goes to a club without the intention of "scoring" on some level.

And I'm sure Diedra will say that cheating can happen at work, at a restaurant, in the park, even in the supermarket. Now I may be a prude, but it isn't acceptable behavior in my restaurants, parks and supermarkets to grind your ass into a strangers groin, make out, or feel each other up. And I'm pretty sure not to many people get to third base at my local Stop and Shop. And shame on you, Diedra, and your clubbing apologists for claiming otherwise.

I'd be very concerned if my SO willingly put themselves into that situation on a regular basis.
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Unread November 17th, 2009, 03:12 AM   #12
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cody5 View Post
People like Diedra, with her 8,000 posts and her "my relationship is SO mature that I don't have to worry" will wake up from a nightmare one morning and wonder what the fuck happened.. I can only presume the intentions of the girls that go clubbing. But ladies, when your man says he's going to a nightclub until 3:00 in the morning, BE VERY AFRAID. No man goes to a club without the intention of "scoring" on some level.
Ah, yes, and of course in world of yours no man (or woman!) ever goes to a nightclub or other place of dancing and drinking on account of anything but their own drive. They never go because they are in a group of friends who are going, because they want a drink, because they like dancing, or because they are participating in an event that ends up in a nightclub?

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Originally Posted by cody5 View Post
And I'm sure Diedra will say that cheating can happen at work, at a restaurant, in the park, even in the supermarket. Now I may be a prude, but it isn't acceptable behavior in my restaurants, parks and supermarkets to grind your ass into a strangers groin, make out, or feel each other up. And I'm pretty sure not to many people get to third base at my local Stop and Shop. And shame on you, Diedra, and your clubbing apologists for claiming otherwise.
Feel free to stop assuming that you know anything about who I am or what I think.

Cheating happens because someone is of the mindset that it is permissible behaviour. It doesn't happen because you have a party with alcohol or because you are in a club - it happens because one person would rather have a sexual encounter with someone who isn't their partner than deny themselves whatever impulse/feeling of freedom/glow of being attractive to someone new they are presently feeling. It doesn't happen because there is alcohol present and there are more men or women present who want to sleep with you than there are those who don't.
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Unread November 17th, 2009, 09:28 AM   #13
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

Look, Dude. There are two reasons to go clubbing: 1 - To dance, and 2 - to meet, flirt with and party with strange men. I'm a prude, I guess (particularly compared to the much more enlightened uber-poster Diedra), but to me, if girls go for the dancing, they dance with each other. To do otherwise falls dangerously close to the second category. And the more a woman goes, the closer it gets.

And it doesn't have to be sex to be cheating. IMO, seeking out the company of strange men in an environment such as nightclubs smacks of infidelity. Like I posted earlier, it's not a mechanical interaction. With it comes flirting, suggestive conversation, and a level of intimacy that goes beyond the technical aspects of dancing. Nightclubs exist to bring men and women together in a sexually charged atmosphere. Apologists are being disingenuous when they don't acknowledge the part "hooking up" plays in the nightclub experience.

Phrase your question this way: what if my girlfriend were getting up in the middle of the night and going on chat rooms to flirt with and have sexually tinged conversations with strange men? Most would agree she is having series of emotional affairs. That's where it STARTS with the club experience. Add the eye contact, the touching, the emotional connections that come with the personal experience, and you see where I'm going. And in deference to Diedra's 8000+ post expertise, booze DOES play a roll in this. It brings down inhibitions. People do things while drunk they would not do otherwise.

What Diedra doesn't understand is that people cheat. And I've not done scientific research on the subject, but I'll bet a lot that people that willingly and regularly throw themselves into the type of atmosphere that nightclubs offer are FAR more likely to cheat than the ones that go to movies, dinner, concerts, shopping etc. on their "girls nights out".

And that poster above that said you'd drive a girl away by making her stop? Fine. Who needs the clubbing whore. That's like saying that you will drive her away if you stop her from giving hand jobs to men in the backseat of her Volvo down by the docks. Hey, it's just a handjob. It's not sex.

I'll move on and give Diedra the last word. The uber posters always get them anyhow. I'll leave it to you to decide who to listen to. Do you want a relationship where you are lying awake in bed at night at 3:00 in the morning wondering what strange man she's partying with, or a relationship with a girl that respects you and your feelings (let alone herself) and is happy to give herself to you and not always be looking for something better.

It's OK to say NO to clubbing and not be a jealous control freak.
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Unread November 28th, 2009, 04:03 PM   #14
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

if it was just simple dancing it is ok, but grinding now that is inappropriate. in my opinion you don't have to have sex to cheat

let me tell you my story that is quite similar... i was out a couple of months ago with a group of friends and a guy that i fancied was there. we end of dancing and although nothing 'happened' it was past the boundary of just innocent dancing. at the end of the night we just hug and go our separate ways but i am thinking 'nice, now i know he is attracted to me, so let's see what happens next'

one of my friends skypes me the next day to warn me to be careful because he has a gf. i'm like wtf! if that was my bf and he was acting like that i would be very mad. needless to say i won't let this guy get close to me now cause i'm not going to be someone's bit on the side.
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Unread November 28th, 2009, 11:13 PM   #15
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

I'm going to go ahead and disagree with your bold statement.


Quote:
Originally Posted by cody5 View Post
Look, Dude. There are two reasons to go clubbing: 1 - To dance, and 2 - to meet, flirt with and party with strange men. I'm a prude, I guess (particularly compared to the much more enlightened uber-poster Diedra), but to me, if girls go for the dancing, they dance with each other. To do otherwise falls dangerously close to the second category. And the more a woman goes, the closer it gets.
You're acting like a night club is sexual place, where once you go, you'll score instantly. Women don't instantly cheat just cause they go to the night club, if her boyfriend says it's fine to go, and they're busy from work. Then it isn't considered cheating, unless they are grinding? Perspective wise, night clubs aren't always like you go in, and bam, you meet a girl, eye contact, and you're spending the time at her apartment. Yes the night club is socially and also sexually an big place to meet women. But the case isn't always them dropping their panties, once you score with them. Women make choices, and if push comes to shove, then yes she will cheat.

And it doesn't have to be sex to be cheating. IMO, seeking out the company of strange men in an environment such as nightclubs smacks of infidelity. Like I posted earlier, it's not a mechanical interaction. With it comes flirting, suggestive conversation, and a level of intimacy that goes beyond the technical aspects of dancing. Nightclubs exist to bring men and women together in a sexually charged atmosphere. Apologists are being disingenuous when they don't acknowledge the part "hooking up" plays in the nightclub experience.
Hooking up? So you're telling me women don't want to just have fun, and rather go to a night club, than some random friend's party that will most likely get shut down? There's nothing wrong with a woman dancing with men, as long as there isn't like heavy groping, or sexual intentions occurring.

Phrase your question this way: what if my girlfriend were getting up in the middle of the night and going on chat rooms to flirt with and have sexually tinged conversations with strange men? Most would agree she is having series of emotional affairs. That's where it STARTS with the club experience. Add the eye contact, the touching, the emotional connections that come with the personal experience, and you see where I'm going. And in deference to Diedra's 8000+ post expertise, booze DOES play a roll in this. It brings down inhibitions. People do things while drunk they would not do otherwise.
Let's get this straight. IF a girl or if my girl went to a night club by herself, and I knew she was trying to get drunk, then yeah, possibilities are endless. But you're taking this out of context, chatrooms, and night clubs are totally different areas. Also if my girlfriend was sexually texting a man online, I'd feel mad, but I wouldn't take it out like she's having emotional problems. Most girls don't go to night clubs by themselves, and getting drunk.... Unless they're depressed, or feeling down... But yes you're right, this situation could happen, these things can happen, but you're saying like it is 75%+ statistic.

What Diedra doesn't understand is that people cheat. And I've not done scientific research on the subject, but I'll bet a lot that people that willingly and regularly throw themselves into the type of atmosphere that nightclubs offer are FAR more likely to cheat than the ones that go to movies, dinner, concerts, shopping etc. on their "girls nights out".
Like I said if women were to cheat, they'd either meet some random guy in a night club, or they'd cheat with a friend or someone they know. Most likely the second one, and could you stop trying to one up Deidere? I'm pretty sure she has more experience than you, justifications aside. But I'm not defending her, I'm simply asking why you have the need to say Deidere doesn't have common sense.

And that poster above that said you'd drive a girl away by making her stop? Fine. Who needs the clubbing whore. That's like saying that you will drive her away if you stop her from giving hand jobs to men in the backseat of her Volvo down by the docks. Hey, it's just a handjob. It's not sex.
Again taking it out of context... Women aren't whores, but yes women are physically/mentally creatures who have alot of confused emotional feelings, but rarely do they ever have the full time to actually act on them.

I'll move on and give Diedra the last word. The uber posters always get them anyhow. I'll leave it to you to decide who to listen to. Do you want a relationship where you are lying awake in bed at night at 3:00 in the morning wondering what strange man she's partying with, or a relationship with a girl that respects you and your feelings (let alone herself) and is happy to give herself to you and not always be looking for something better.
And yet again this is a obvious no-brainer, but you're taking this too serious. Men cheat too. And women lie more, but... it isn't like they'd decide over a few weeks to go ahead and cheat. Some women and we're assuming women who have passed the age of 18+, can either have common sense/maturity, and if not, then well they'll face the consequences by their own actions. Women and Men both cheat, there is no solid evidence to prove either one cheats more.
It's OK to say NO to clubbing and not be a jealous control freak.
And I completely agree, I wouldn't let my gf not club, even without me, and nor would I need to be a jealous control freak. I place trust in her, and if she breaks it, then she won't get it in return.

There are situations where women/men cheat, and it is really up to their choice to make it. Night club isn't always about having sex, it's also about having fun.
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Unread November 30th, 2009, 02:55 PM   #16
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

I realize I may be on the wrong forum. I have been married/in a committed relationship for the past 15 years, and this looks more like a dating site. And my wife and I are both good kissers, so we don’t need help there either. But I would think the dynamics are the same, just in effect at different stages of the relationship.

If I were dating right now, ostensibly still seeking my eventual life partner, I would be evaluating personality traits to determine if this were a relationship to pursue. A major trait would be her desire to spend her time away from me in an activity like nightclubbing. I’d be concerned with her desire to frequent certain types of nightclubs where the expected behavior includes getting hit on by men all night, accepting drinks from some, dances with others, flirting, touching etc. And that’s what’s EXPECTED. Grinding, a simple impulsive kiss, alcohol, aggressive unwanted attention, an “I’m sorry I was just so drunk” mistake, etc., are always a very real possibility. Sure, I’ll date her occasionally when I want to get laid, but I’ll pass on any emotional connection.

My opinion is also colored by the fact that my wife got hooked on an activity that I hadn’t calculated into my equation until it was too late, and a post-partem desire to party kicked in after our second child was born. She started out wanting to “go dancing” with a friend, but soon realized it was pretty fun to act this way in a bar. It’s just innocent dancing, right? She happened to have agreed with Pailix and Diedra’s analysis of the appropriateness of the situation. I personally view it as having been cheated on. “Legitimized Infidelity”, is what I called it on a different forum. If it was even a little worse, it could have jeopardized my marriage and family. Attitudes like Pailix and Diedra’s, I fear, promote a climate that makes it more acceptable. Worse, it allows the partying spouse a legitimized platform with which to bully the SO into accepting the behavior or be viewed as Neanderthal.

Your line in the sand, Pailix, may be different than mine. You may not feel comfortable with her relationship with her old pal she used to party with in college. They recently started hanging out at his place every other Friday night. Just to unwinding from the week. Sometimes it’s just her, sometimes her and a girlfriend. But it’s always that male pal, usually a few of his buds. Sometimes just the two of them. But they’re just partying until 3AM, right? A little weed, some booze. How dare you imply it may be inappropriate? The next guy is OK with this, but he’s even more liberal than us and he draws his line at blowjobs with guys she services to get her fix at the crackhouse. Handjobs/ t.it.ty f.u.k.s are OK. The next guys even good w/ the b’J’s, but not….

Sure, cheating can happen anywhere. But you need to feel comfortable with your definition of what “cheating” is. And whatever activities end up being part of the equation, make sure you all agree on how it fits into your relationship and be sure to communicate/act accordingly. Clubbing will never fit into my equation without a lot of understanding of expected behavior and mutually acceptable ground rules that are pre-agreed upon. Yes, more discussion and agreement than is necessary for going to the movies, lunch or a play. If we can’t agree and you still want to go, see ya’ later. NEXT!
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Unread November 30th, 2009, 03:20 PM   #17
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

I am sorry that your wife decided to go out and behave inappropriately with men at bars.

But, you can stop putting words into people's mouths and deciding for them what it is they're saying, and what their dating history is, now. You got burned. So, who hasn't? Being angry and hurt is not a reason to act like an arsehole. Now, if you need someone to talk to about that problem with your wife caring more about nightclubs and bars than your family... we're here for that. The angry troll deal, not so much.

Kudus to you for being civilised this time around.
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Unread November 30th, 2009, 04:26 PM   #18
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

Cody, I agree with you partly. I don't find it appropriate for my girlfriend to go to clubs and dance with other men. I probably wouldn't have a problem with it if people danced like how they did 30 years ago, but today, dancing is so sexual. However, I don't think that a girl is more likely to cheat just because she is out at a club. Girls usually go with other girlfriends and they are usually there to just have fun. My view is that if you are in a healthy relationship with a woman, you should be able to trust her to go out and have fun without worrying that she will fuck some random guy. If a person can't accept their partner going out without them sometimes and having fun, then that relationship is unhealthy anyway.

I do agree that many people do cheat these days, men and women. This is a hard fact to accept but worrying about it won't make a difference. I just try to find the right person who I think can be loyal and trust them. I treat them well and make them feel good so that they won't ever want to cheat on me. If for some reason they do cheat, it would sting, it would hurt, I would feel like crap, but I would realize that person was never worth my time and I would eventually move on and realize I am better off without them.

And remember that this is an internet forum. People are going to disagree with you. But lets play nice and respect everyone's opinion. We all have different perspectives to share and through our gathered knowledge, we can help someone find the answer that helps them ^_^
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Unread November 30th, 2009, 06:21 PM   #19
cody5
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

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Originally Posted by Deidre View Post
Now, if you need someone to talk to about that problem with your wife caring more about nightclubs and bars than your family... we're here for that.
Thanks, but I've talked this one to death. My wife, who is of the seemingly common "if no fluids were swapped then it wasn't cheating" school of thought on clubbing, has offered the very helpful advice to just "get over it". Crude, and in no way accepting blame for her behavior, but it's where I am right now. After-all, it was just innocent dancing, right?
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Unread December 1st, 2009, 02:35 AM   #20
Deidre
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Default Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cody5 View Post
After-all, it was just innocent dancing, right?
Apparently not, since what you've described as going on was all in the unacceptable category of everyone who has said "dancing is ok".

Clearly you haven't talked about it enough/very effectively since you're still angry and lashing out at strangers (who haven't even disagreed) about it.
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