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Unread December 5th, 2006, 04:56 AM   #1
Liv
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Default Boyfriend doesn't make me a "priority"

Okay...So this is my first post in this forum, so hello everyone. Firstly, I'll just say that I've dating this guy for 9 months, and we'd been friends for a year beforehand. Things have been going pretty smoothly; we have our ups and our downs....But last night just happened to be a down. Being a girl, I'm pretty emotional and sensitive about certain things, so I get upset quite easily during arguments or disagreements...

So, the problem is, I feel that I just do a lot for my guy, as in take the time to go out with him and meet his friends, spend time with his family, and get involved in things he likes doing. Whenever I suggest something, like what I feel like doing, he either says "no i dont want to", and I once reminded him of an occasion of a gathering at a friends house and he just mumbled "whatever' like he didn't care and didn't want to go.

HOWEVER without being biased, a majority of the time he comes up with ideas of what to do, and I usually go along with it, without a fuss.

I tell him this, and he gets upset, thinking that I'm accusing him of making no effort to do things I want to do, and that I don't come up with anything to do...This came up in an argument last night on the phone, and this time I got really upset, and absolutely bawled my eyes out. He said he didn't want to talk about it, and pretty much said he had to go and hung up. So I sat there for about 5 hours crying my heart out (I don't know why I cried for so long but my face puffed up like a blow fish) and after messaging him to tell him I was upset, I didn't here from him. Finally he called me, making up an accuse that his phone was charging and he didn't hear it. So I told him again that I was upset, and was crying to him about how I feel so drained about the things I do, and all I want him to do is to atleast acknowledge the fact that I do go out of my way to do things for him. He doesn't see it that way, he says that I choose to do these things, and I'm never forced to. But what I don't understand, is when he says he loves me, but then says "I'm not going to drop everything in my life and come to you everytime you have a drama" And I got even more upset! He pretty much just listened to me cry for a few minutes, then said he had to go to sleep because he has to get up early for work. I spent the night bawling my eyes out...and it saddened me that friends are way more dependable than him, because after calling a friend who offered to come over and comfort me, my boyfriend, didn't even offer to comfort me. It's always about him. I always go over his house. I always do what he wants. I organise my schedule around him. I do things for him and his family and friends. And I want to do these things for him because I love him. But unforutnately, even though he "loves me" he doesn't want to return these things. I feel so heart broken and am not sure whether or not I should continue seeing him if I'm not a priority in his life, which he has made clear that nothing or no one comes before his job. Honestly, tell me if I'm over reacting. I know I've made him out to be a jerk, but he is a genuinely good guy, and we've had good times...And I love him so much. I don't know what to do...
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Unread December 5th, 2006, 05:32 AM   #2
Dinkum Pommie
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Default Re: Boyfriend doesn't make me a "priority"

Hmm, That sounds an awful lot like a guy I know.

I have to say, that guy sounds like an arsehole to me, the fact that he's willing to let you run around for him and isn't willing to put in the same effort for you is quite unfair, in fact its downright rude, and then he's quite happy to sit there and let you cry on the phone, I dunno about you but that sounds a little to me like he just want's to look cool in front of his friends by saying he has a girlfriend. Personaly I wonder if you really should still be with this guy. I know I would have left him after this had I been in your position
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Unread December 5th, 2006, 02:41 PM   #3
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Default Re: Boyfriend doesn't make me a "priority"

are you good-looking?

i just had to ask, because from your post you sound like just an accessory to him. just a part of him that makes him look good and feel good. i've been in his position before, especially if i don't really feel like being tied down just yet or settling for just one person for a long time. having one "girlfriend" who's good-looking, who would do everything for me, made me feel awesome and made me look good in front of everyone. i can't say whether or not your guy is like this right now, but it is a posibility. i only realized that i loved the girl after she broke up with me, after, like you, nine months.
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Unread December 5th, 2006, 03:41 PM   #4
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Default Re: Boyfriend doesn't make me a "priority"

First of all, welcome to our forums!

now, you ask if you're overreacting. I think you are... to a degree. bawling for five hours is excessive. but you also have a point about not being a priority for him. Now, it IS understandable if his job is a priority for him as well, but when the two of you ARE doing things, they should be things that you want to do also.

Perhaps a possibility is to be a little less accommodating. Don't jump at the chance to be with him if it means that it's always doing something he wants to do. Invite him to do things you want, and if he says no, do them anyway. when he invites you to do things, go if you want to, or if you feel socially obligated (like dinner with his parents on occassion). If you don't want to do that, then don't. If you find, in the end, that you're STILL only doing things he wants to do, just less frequently because you're refusing some of them, and he's never doing anything you want to do, then you may have to rethink your relationship if it's still making you so upset. regardless of how much you may love him, sometimes you have to do what's better for yourself.
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Unread December 5th, 2006, 03:45 PM   #5
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Default Re: Boyfriend doesn't make me a "priority"

Sounds like my ex! We used to sit at his house doing nothing. His friends would call for him to go out and play poker and I would go along with, sit, watch, and look pretty. When I would tell him I wanted to do something new, or go on cute dates like you see on tv or see others do, he would get mad and tell me to think of something. Yet when I would suggest something he would say "I dont have the money" or "thats so gay, no." I dealt with it for about 2 years, and then we stayed close after we broke up. Finally, after I got sick of him blowing me off to sit around and play poker with his friends I decided that I would find someone better, and I did.

How much more of this do you wanna settle for? By this far into it, he's not going to suddenly turn around and say "You know what, you ARE worth it and we SHOULD spend special moments together." He feels like he has you no matter what so he shouldnt have to do "cute" things or anything different b/c he know YOU will always be there. Prove him wrong. Leave.

Please, take it from me. I too scheduled my time around a guy. I did everything for him. I gave him my virginity b/c it was the only way I could get him to pay attention to me. Its not worth it....leave him.
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Unread December 5th, 2006, 05:18 PM   #6
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Default Re: Boyfriend doesn't make me a "priority"

He's a disgrace. Leave him.

If you're up to it and won't cry for 5 hours though, you can talk to him, in person, and be more aggressive and straightforward. Don't be all weak and unconfident and then when he says something start crying, he'll just get bored, see uyou're weak and leave.
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Unread December 5th, 2006, 08:13 PM   #7
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Default Re: Boyfriend doesn't make me a "priority"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gezus
he'll just get bored, see uyou're weak and leave.
aww i didnt know gezus can be mean... i love it. keep it up!
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Unread December 6th, 2006, 06:02 PM   #8
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Default Re: Boyfriend doesn't make me a "priority"

Thanks for all your replies, they are much appreciated.

Dinkum: I know I made him out to sound like an asshole, that wasn't really my intention, I was just confused as to why he acts that way to this particular topic in our relationship. It has only ever been brought up twice in the nine months, and his reaction remains the same...

Chuikit: I wouldn't say that I'm goodlooking, just average. I don't think I'm an accessory to him, though you do have a point.

Kuju: I know I was over reacting. lol. Like I said I never cry that much. And you're right. I'm going to start doing things I want to do, with or without him. I'm going to start being more independant, and less dependant on him. Maybe it'll open up his eyes a little.

Rammstein: I'd hate to know that anyone was being treated that way, and you obviously made a good decision to break it off. I just gotta have a serious talk with him and decide what to do.

Gezus: I'm definately going to talk to him and tell him exactly how I feel. I won't cry, because I want him to take me seriously.
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