Tiny Warriors

[gijeanie]

Little Girl On Bended Knees

She’s a little girl abused in so many ways.
She knows for everything theirs a price she pays.
She doesn’t go where other children play.
So much lost.
So much at cost.
She’s berried with in her pleas.
Clothing tore to all degrees.
She runs to the church knowing everything he sees.
Maybe he can set her free.
Little girl on bended knees.
She can’t wash his smell away.
No matter how much she bathes.
Do you really have to love daddy this way.
Day by day she prays.
So many memories will prey.
She wishes they would just fade away.
In the bushes she hides.
Daddy is dead inside.
To god she will confide.
“God who will believe me?
Who will see?
Mom always said it was just me.
Now she has to see.”
Little girl on bended knees.
Her life is so hard in part.
Yet not compared to what she sacrifices in her heart.
He slices it up and rips it apart.
She wants to point blame
But lowers her head in shame.
God taking over this little soles hope
And his heart is breaking.
There is so much she is staking.
She raises her bloody hands high.
Deep down she wishes she could die.
But she made daddy finally say goodbye.
Six years old murdering daddy to finally be free.
Little girl on bended knees.


Dear God

I’ve been hurt in more than I am allowed to say.
While he’s having his fun I try to run away.
I hide under my bed hoping he won’t find me.
Through my tears it’s hard to see.
I can’t be what he wants me to be.
A boy!
Instead a girl with a huge void.
God what is my purpose from falling from heaven?
I’m a woman at age seven.
Why can’t I find a way to back to you?
At least I know what you say is true.
She’s Only a Little Girl
She’s only a little girl who hides in her closet at night.
He’s a grown man to big for her to fight.
She’s a toy daddy can play
Just as long as he has his way.
She’s filled with shame and pain.
She will never be the same.
These are the Angels that fell
That have a story to tell
They have come to live in hell.
God’s heart dies
As he hears their cries.
He watched his children’s innocence
Be ripped from their grasps
With a promise that his love is always going to last.
Where did god go in the middle of her pain?
Believe it or not
He’s holding her hand as he’s taking names


NO WHERS CHILD

She doesn’t belong here and she doesn’t belong there.
She really doesn’t belong anywhere.
She has no dad but that’s neither bad nor sad.
He did not want a daughter and he really didn’t want to be a father.
People heard her cries up until his last good byes.
He caused a girl to die
And a young lady to try to make a place in this world,
But she wishes looking in the mirror at a child’s face
That she could disappear without a trace.
She has a cold heart with an untold sole tarring her apart.
She’s neither a child nor woman,
But between worlds caged with an unforgotten rage of hiding in a closet from a fear so
undoubtedly clear.
Every time she hears her brother’s cries she tries to understand the smack of his hand.
She wants to be a bird that would fly away
Or maybe if she’s good she will die and god will take her like she would always pray.
She goes astray to starve herself hoping the good lord will make his play instead of
making her stay.
She has no fears because she was washed in god’s tears.
He hears her cry and holds out his hand so she can take a stand.
He is all she has to believe in when she grieves.
The pain follows him as he blesses the road she chose.
The children laugh and mock,
But it’s his word she will always talk.
She so desperately wants to belong
But every place seems so wrong.
She longs to be in heaven where she feels safe
And where god deals with all her tears he hears.
With what this entire world has pilled
No matter where she goes
She will always be a no where’s child.


Die

This shell crumbled and fell when hearing the words you said sent me strait to hell.
Blackening depths weep in night not to ballistic to fight for what it is by right.
Despair and creeping wounds come in unfairly.
Dare they do the damage I cannot bare?
So please spare me from not who would care.
This hole in my shattered battered heart has brought toll into this sensitive innocent sole.
To sore higher to the core of all-extreme would be dropping knees to the cold hard floor.
His hands can wrap around my neck in a trap as air may clog my throat and drowned
without a whimpering peep of a sound.
Tantalizing words cause harm like the bleeding gash flooding in my arm.
This knife cuts into spaces so deep like the life I keep smoldered in blood traces smeared
on the walls trapped in the shovel cases.
As my heart deprives, it ends the lies of all lives with the endless goodbyes.
Tears fall on the lovely fire rose as it grows prosper flames,
But only love it tames.
Take the spear of death to place in my heart and embrace all that has been torn in death
apart.
From the start to end no part can mend as I search places to defend and faces to descend.
I place my hand upon the never touched and watched as it turned to sand,
But the sand burned as I still yearned.
Show the way from deaths dependence day as the others pay just like the dagger will slay.
Love so free in unpredictable moments dangerously as you cast upon me.
See the blood and feel the flood as real as it is when it will seal.
Lifeless whispering flesh turning into dripping catering mesh lose what was already lost.
What is the final cost?
When facing the winds of the red sea remember the pacing remembrance that set me free,
But sealed him ever to be by death decreed.



Secrets Out

She wants to hide
But the memories are burning inside.
She try’s to wash away
The smell that won’t go away.
Everyone’s going to know
And it’s beyond her control.
She runs from shame
Things will never be the same.
Ask her how she hid it all these years,
With cover up smiles hiding buried tears?
She hid it so well,
But now its time to tell.
The smell that won’t go away.
Everyone’s going to know
And it’s beyond her control.
She runs from shame
Things will never be the same.
They say the truth will set you free
Only they didn’t hear a little girl’s plea.
That’s not what a fathers love suppose to be!
Look in her eyes
If you want to know how innocence dies.
The smell that won’t go away.
Everyone’s going to know
And it’s beyond her control.
She runs from shame
Things will never be the same.
The secrets out
Without a doubt!


SHE HITS HER KNEES

She runs!
The pain has just begun.
A little girl trapped in something already done.
Why must dad get so mad?
She never meant to be bad.
He’s beaten her to a point of being mute.
She’s a bottomless root.
She’s been placed upon a cross as her dad picks and tosses.
She’s counting her loses.
She’s only ten a young age for where she’s been.
She can’t win.
The hurt is too much when it comes to someone’s touch.
Can she keep running?
She can’t stay,
But maybe he won’t hurt her today.
Now she hits her knees to pray.


Goodbye Life

Goodbye life!
I decided not to live.
Theirs nothing left of me to give.
I don’t expect you to accept my reasons for leaving.
Love is something I don’t believe in.
My family refuses to see.
The only thing missing from the picture is me.
I know what’s at stake
But that’s a chance I have to take.
Break by bitter break my heart screams in pain.
I have nothing here to gain.
Pills, take my breath,
Till there is nothing left.


LITTLE GIRL IN A DISGIUSE

HER FACE IS TO INOCENT FOR SUCH A PLACE.
YET SHE TAKES UP THE SPACE.
SHE WISHES SHE COULD DISAPEAR WITHOUT A TRACE.
HER HEART IS SHATTERED
AND SOLE BATTERED.
HER DREAMS AS YOU LOOK AROUND ARE SCATTERED.
HER EYES SEE TRUE PAIN,
LOOKING UPON HER BODY THAT’S SLAIN.
WHEN SHE SPEAKS YOU CAN HEAR HER SHAME
AND YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.
SHE JUMPS WHEN SHE HEARS HER NAME.
WHY HAD SHE CAME?
SHE IS PLAIN TO SEE LIVING IN FALLING RAIN.
THE BRUSES TELL WHO LOSES.
HOLDING TIGHT SHE REMEMBERS EVERY FIGHT.
FIRE AND RAGE, SHE LIVES IN CAGE.
A LITTLE GIRL IN A DISGIUSE BARRIED IN A PIT OF LIES.

[gijeanie]

Dark Eyes

Dark eyes what do you hide?
What is it exactly you won’t confide?
Why do you look so sad inside?
So many stories you tell,
A live of loving and one of hell.
When you look at me there is so much I see.
But the lies are a good disguise.
The lies must be set free
Or it will never be me I see.
My heartaches and the tears break.
So much sense you make.
How much more can those eyes take.
If only eyes could talk what would they say.
I guess I will have to wait for that day.


DEATH BY HEART

In one waking moment, faking loves infant pride,
My heart died. I tried to rekindle my punctured sole.
I begged the release till every ache ripped a stake through
My softened chest for the kill.
The blood spill took every shrill of dignity left
In my cold head being blissfully fed with ruminants
To treacherous lies being said. Mercy plagued the red stained
Sheet, in pained vagued willing deceit. I yet feel
Pressured through my scaling skin.
Where has been, but with her in my heart den of sorrowful
Hunting men. The luscious myth of the heart can bring
Tearful hollow, moments tearing shuddering parts into
Dark death to follow.
We lurk into dreadful shadows where our mournful hark blades
Our lifeless body till hearts wonders beating fades. Air caught in our
Thoughts thrusting and basting brings disgusting tastes in pleasuring
Depending rings.
There will be no remains only imbedded memory stains after
Scorching fires burn heartfelt desires. Blast an ending, weep
Killing whom has ever richly felt so deeply.


Tragedy

Tragedy is me.
Its what my life will always be, one big tragedy.
One tragedy after another tragedy.
Shakespeare has nothing on me.
Happiness is overdone.
Agony has already won.
How can I get free?
I am trapped in a tragedy.
There are no happy ending and fairy tails.
Life will somehow fail.
Tears take me under.
My mind tends to wonder.
What would life be for me?
If there was no tragedy.
A love who would hold me true.
A job that I would love to do.
A family to say I love you.
There would be happiness within me
If there was no tragedy.
When will I ever accept, this me.
No wishes will come true and set me free,
So many things are limited to me.
So many things I cannot be.
So many things I can’t have for me.
But I will always have my tragedy.



Don’t make your children bare your crucifix

Don’t make your children bare your crucifix.
Children won’t forget and can’t fix.
Children born in such a big world having to fight,
The only friend they have is a closet where they hide at night.
The day a mother married him a child died.
Memories of a childhood left behind.
An innocence that died inside.
Survivor of abuse passing on what’s defied.
Don’t make your children bare your crucifix.
Children won’t forget and can’t fix.
Children born in such a big world having to fight,
Parents treat your children right.
Don’t beat each other up tonight.
Children shouldn’t live in terror or be a cross-barer.
Don’t turn you children into a lifeless shell
Doomed to live here in hell.
Parents see your children hurt.
Parents see what innocence like that’s worth.
Don’t make your children bare your crucifix.
Children won’t forget and can’t fix.
Children born in such a big world having to fight,
Letting them live should be more than a right.
Jesus bared that crucifix
So our children’s faith wouldn’t inter-mix.
God put his child on the cross
So our children wouldn’t have to feel the cost.
He took the tears and pain
So our children wouldn’t have to sustain.
He loves all little children its true
But that doesn’t mean he loves them for you.
Blessings and gifts you never knew,
Parents you still have a job to do.
So before you give you children a reason to run and hide
Remember why Jesus was the one crucified.


CHILD WARRIOR

CHILD WARRIOR
, BORN IN A FIGHT
MAKING FRIENDS WITH THE NIGHT.
TWO PEOPLE WHO WON’T SEE WHAT THEIR DOING ISN’T RIGHT.
TURNING HER IN TO A FIGHTER
USING EVERTHING LEFT INSIDE OF HER.
A HOME A BATTLE GROUND
AND BY HIS BRUSES SHE HIDES, SHE IS BOUND.
HER CLOSET A SANTUARY,
A SAFE HAVEN SHE GOES TO GET AWAY.
WHERE SHE WRITES POEMS TO EAS HER PAIN.
IN A MESS OF BLANKETS WHER HER BROKEN BODY LAIN.
CHILD WARRIOR
FIGHT FOR IT’S THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN LIVE
PEOPLE CAN ONLY TAKE WHAT YOU HAVE TO GIVE.
SO MUCH YOU MUST SACRIFICE.
BEING BORN WAS TO HIGH A PRICE.
MIDDLE CHILD AND OLDEST CHILD WRAPPED UP IN ONE
YOUR RESPONSIBLITIES HAVE ALREADY BEGUN.
WHEN YOU’RE SMALLER THAN YOUR FATHER YOU KNOW WHO WON.
YOU CAN’T FIND TIME TO FEEL WHAT GONE,
WHEN YOU’RE LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER AFRAID OF SOMEONE.
YOUR BODY MAY BREAK BUT A SPIRIT CAN TAKE
WHAT YOU HAVE INDURED IN THIS HEART ACHE.
CHILD WARRIOR
YOU AR INVINCABLE.
AND INSIDE UN-BREAKABLE.
ONE DAY YOU WILL TELL A STORY OF A CHILD IN PARALE.
WHEN IT COMES TO STRENGTH YOU WON’T FAIL.
YOU HAVE LIVED ON TRENTH SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN,
LIVING INSIDE A WOLD SCORN AND TORN.
YOU ONLY HAVE THE TOOLS OF WHO YOU ARE.
THEY CAN’T TAKE WHO YOU ARE.
YOU ENDURED ALL SITUATIONS AND CONFRINTATIONS.
YOU KNOW MANIPULATIONS.
DON’T BELIEVE THE LIES.
SEVER YOU EMOTIONAL TIES.
CHILD WARRIOR
PREPARE TO FIGHT
POOR SOLE YOU ARE BEING BORN TONIGHT


SAFE HAVEN

My safe haven is a beaten child’s heaven.
A place I go to escape reality into a mystical imagination no one knows.
A place only I can go.
A place I go hide when my daddies to far gone.
He’s to drunk to find me so I’m safe till dawn.
It’s filled with blankets and my mom’s college Shakespeare book,
The one she still doesn’t know I took.
I hear him yell and I hear her scream,
But I’m safe here living in my daydreams.
A place where fathers love daughters, and husbands love wives.
A place where people live by happiness for all their lives.
In my special magical place.
In my small four by four closet space.
Looking in it doesn’t looks like much.
But in a shattered child’s eyes it’s just the touch.
When I make it their
I don’t need to worry or care.
It’s mine so I don’t have to share.
I escape from my home of hell
And dream of stories far from here to tell.
I read my book and then I’m lost.
I find myself in a land of diamonds and frost.
Love in my special place is unconditional.
Children are special and sensational.
My safe haven I go
When I need saving.
Daddy comes after me even if I haven’t been miss behaving.
So I have to disappear without a trace.
In my special magical place.
In my small four by four closet space.
Years later I remember a little girl that hides.
I remember how innocence dies.
I remember that girls dreams.
I remember how she almost fell through the seams.
I remember she was brave.
I remember she was saved.
In my special magical place.
In my small four by four closet space.


NOT ME

I feel like my heart is being ripped apart.
So many memories I can’t erase.
How to forget his face!
I need out of this place.
This is somewhere I don’t want to be.
I want to be someone other than me.
Look at me!
What do you see?
I’m heart brake and misery.
Not to worry!
He broke free.
He left me cold!
In a sad story to often told.
I’m on the edge with out a thing to grab hold.
When it comes to love I fold.
This is not what I want to be.
This is killing me.
He’s looking for something that’s not me.

[gijeanie]

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO JEANIE

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO JEANIE?
THE GIRL SO MEEK AND MILED.
THE ONE WHO ALWAYS SMILED AT ME.
THAT YOUNG SWEET CHILD.
SHE LOVED PLAYING AT THE PARK
AND RUNNING AFTER DARK.
SHE LOVED LITTLE KITTENS
AND PLAYING IN THE SNOW IN HER CAP AND MITTENS.
WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO JEANIE?
THE GIRL WE ALL USED TO SEE.
THE ONE DOLLED UP IN PIGTAILS.
AND WHO’S SHOES SANG OF BELLS.
SHE CRIED AT SAD MOVIES
AND ENJOYED CLIMBING TREES.
HER BROTHERS USED TO CALL HER NOBBIE KNEES.
SHE WAS CHILD PERFECT AS SHE COULD BE.
WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO JEANIE?
WELL HER DADDY CAME HOME IN A DRUNKEN RAGE, YOU SEE!
SHE GOT IN THE WAY TRYING TO SAVE HER MOMMY.
WHEN THEY FOUND HER SHE WAS GONE.
IT SEEMS IT WAS HER SKULL HE POUNDED ON.
SHE USED TO RUN AND PLAY.
SHE USED TO HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY.
WE USED TO SEE HER EVERY DAY.
UNTIL A FATHERS MISTAKE TOOK HER FAR AWAY.



BRINE

I COULD HERE HIS CRIES.
I FOUND A LITTLE BOY LOOKING UP AT ME WITH PLEADING EYES.
“DADDY HURT ME,” HE SAID AS HE TURNED AWAY FROM ME.
THE BRUSES AND BLOOD WAS ALL I COULD SEE.
HIS LITTLE HANDS TREMBLED AS HE REACHED OUT.
NO ONE KNEW WHAT HE WAS REALLY ABOUT.
HE TOLD ME ABOUT RACE CARS AND STARS.
HE TOLD ME HE WANTED TO BE AN ASTERNAUT AND GO REAL FAR.
HE TOLD ME ABOUT HIS MOM AND DAD IN MARRIAGE THAT ENDED REAL
SAD.
HE SAID IT SEEMED LIKE HE WAS ALWAYS BAD.
HE TRIED SO HARD NOT TO MAKE HIS DADDY MAD.
A SMALL RED BIBLE WAS THE ONLY PROTECTION HE HAD.
HE SAID “MY MOM READ IT TO ME AT NIGHT,
RIGHT BEFORE SHE WENT DOWN TO DADDIES FIGHT”.
I PUT IT UNDER MY PILLOW AND NEVER LET IT OUT OF MY SIGHT.
SHE DIED NOT TO LOND AGO.
SHE LOVED ME SO.
I KNOW SHE’S WHATCHING EVERY DAY,
EVEN WHEN HE MAKES ME PAY.
I HONESTLY DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DAY.
“SHE USED TO PROTECT ME,” HE WENT ON
“BUT SEEM’S BEFORE LONG,
I TOO MAY BE GONE.”
I WAS STUNED, SITTING IN THE PARK
PITCH DARK
WITH A SEVEN YEAR OLD TALKING ABOUT GOING TO HEAVEN.
AFTER HE WENT HOME,
I WENT TO MINE ALL ALONE.
I CALLED THE POLICE TO HEAR THEM SAY THERE WAS NOTHING THEY
COULD DO.
READING THE PAPER THE NEXT DAY HIS NIGHTMARE CAME TRUE.
MY GUILT GREW.
SEVEN YEAR OLD FOUND DEAD,
TRAMA TO THE HEAD,
I READ THE HEADLIN.
A SEVEN YEAR OLD NAMED BRINE.


KATIE

THEY WERE SO EXCITED ABOUT GETTING A FOSTER CHILD.
CHILDREN CAN BE MILD OR EVEN A LITTLE WILD.
FOR HER THEY LONGED,
BUT IN SO MANY WAYS SHE DIDN’T BELONG.
SHE WAS SAD ALL THE TIME
AND THEY DIDN’T KNOW WHY.
SHE WAS ALWAYS QUIET SO THE THOUGHT SHE WAS SHY.
THEY NEVER FIGURED OUT WHY.
KATIE COULDN’T LOOK THEM IN THE EYE.
EVERY NIGHT THEY HEARD HER CRY.
THEY DIDN’T REALIZE DEEP DOWN SHE WANTED TO DIE.
SHE WOULDN’T BATHE OR BRUSH HER HAIRE.
TRULY, SHE DIDN’T CARE.
SHE’D SIT BY HERSELF AND OFF IN SPACE SHE WOULD STARE.
SHE DIDN’T HAVE FRIENDS AND KIDS CALLED HER NAMES.
SHE WAS A VISTUM THE FIST DAY SHE CAME.
HER PARENTS DIDN’T KNOW WHO TO BLAME.
THEY BARRIED THEIR HEADS IN SHAME.
THEY DID EVERTHING THEY COULD TO BRING HER OUT,
BUT THEY DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THE DISTANCE WAS ABOUT.
THEY TALKED ABOUT TAKING HER BACK TO THE HOME,
AND THEN SHE FELT EVEN MORE ALONE.
SHE WORE LONG SLEEVE SHIRTS TO HIDE WHERE SHE CUT HER ARMS,
AND CAUSED SO MUCH HARM.
KATIE WAS FAILING EIHTH GRADE AND MOSTLY WENT ASTRAY.
SHE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE SHE WOULDN’T EAT.
SHE WAS BONES ALL THE WAY TO HER FEET.
AT FOURTEEN HER PARENTS FOUND HER DEAD.
SHE USED HER DADS GUN
AND PUT A BULLET IN HER HEAD.
IT WASN’T TILL LATER THEY FOUND OUT
WHAT HER SUICIDE WAS TRULY ABOUT.
KATIES WAS RAPED BY HER FATHER TILL SHE WAS TEN,
SHE WAS DEAD BEFORE SHE COULD BEGIN.
HER MOTHER WAS AN ACHOLIC DRUGGIE WHO LOVED WITH HER FIST
AND ENDED UP SLITTING HER WRIST.
KATIE WAS FOUND UNDERWEIGHT
AND ALMOST AT HER FINAL FATE.
SHE HAD TORN CLOTHES AN NAPPY HAIR.
THE SOCIAL WORKER SAID LIFE JUST WASN’T FAIR.
SO BEFORE YOU JUDGE A PERSON ON HOW THEY APEAR TO BE,
REMEMBER KATIE.
THEIRS NO TELLING WHO THEY REALLY COULD BE.



Shattered doll

Shattered doll tattered and torn
Tossed aside and not played with anymore.
You ragged material compared to me.
You must be begging to be free.
Used up and worn
Missing buttons galore.
You probably wonder what you existence is for.
You cotton is sticking out.
Your stitching is coming out.
No one plays with you anymore.
A doll so poor.
You are now thrown away.
No one wants to play.
Ragged tattered shattered doll.
You are agonized with the fall.
You are me!
I finally see.
I stand tall,
As a ragged tattered shattered doll.

[gijeanie]

DON’T LOOK AT ME

Yes, I’m scared of you,
But not because I don’t want you.
Because I do!
Because I fall fast.
Because I have an edgy uneven past.
Because if I open up you may run away.
I feel it every time you look at me that way.
Sometimes I don’t know the things to say.
I’ve never been close to anyone.
I wish to tell you how it begun.
My dad hurt me when I was six.
Its nothing you can fix.
Now he’s serving a child molesters plea.
The closet was the only place for me.
I couldn’t save my brother when fate turned the other way.
The nights I pray
But it wasn’t god’s way.
The world is hard, as I want to be,
But when you look at me its not me you see.
Don’t look at me!
I leave!
I’m make believe!


Intimate Atrocity

Intimate atrocity!
What have you done to me?
I said no,
But you took it out of my control.
You beat me!
You broke me!
You hurt me!
You used my body against me!
You took from me!
You held me down
On that cold brutal ground.
You striped me of dignity.
Intimate atrocity!
I thought you were going to kill me.
I wish you had killed me!
A piece of me died that day.
I tried so hard to wash it all away.
The smell was still there.
Feeling that dirty was too hard to bare.
I now live in this fear,
Because of what you had done to me.
You predator of fait!
I’m so filled with hate.
I said no!
You took my control.
I felt more pain then I thought I could ever know.
You violated me!
Intimate atrocity!



Mommy wake up

Mommy wake up!
He’s coming back.
I’m scared of his smack.
I was hiding in the closet.
I mean it!
Mommy don’t leave me alone with him.
He always wins.
Mommy wake up!
I should have protected you,
But I was scared too.
He’s bigger than me
And he always hits me.
Mommy he seemed really mad
And you’re hurt really bad.
Mommy wake up!
I heard a bang.
Now I’m standing in this bloodstain.
Mommy why won’t you wake up?
Mommy please wake up!


WHAT ABOUT ME

You said women were worthless.
They never mind their business.
They never know their place.
If it weren’t for Eve, Adam wouldn’t have fallen from grace.
You said they were a waste of air.
They should only be used to bare.
You said they were Satan’s seed.
Well dad, what about me!
You prostituted yourself out.
You took our food money and made us do with out.
You had to have your drink.
You say we are the reason you sink.
You say us kid’s hold you back.
So much in life you lack.
You just want to be free.
Well dad, what about me!
You do things you don’t remember.
You leave us in the cold and let us shiver.
You would love with you hand.
You would come back with out your wedding band.
You make mom cry when you can.
I was so easy to ignore.
You walked out the door.
You said you didn’t love us anymore.
This is where you never wanted to be.
Well dad, what about me!
What about me!
Did you ever ask me?



Falling From Father

I will never be like him.
He will never win.
I don’t drink or get addicted.
I won’t be what everyone predicted.
I am my father’s adversary.
The one with a scar I carry.
I am his nemesis.
The one he beats down with his fist.
We both have the same blood.
We both have been drag to the mud.
I am falling from my father.
Further and further I get because I can’t get far enough away from my father.
I am falling from father.
I am not my father.
My choices I make are for me.
I am me.

[gijeanie]

THE WOMAN INSIDE ME

Inside this girl is a woman contradicting what she’s suppose to be.
A woman is imprisoned inside this little girl’s body and face.
The girl hides the woman you can’t see.
Innocence gone without a trace!
What happened and where she gone?
This is the story of a childhood lost.
It will be too late when it comes dawn.
This is a story of a child that paid a fatal cost.
She lost who she was.
Where is god when suffering consumes grown up children fighting to be free.
She suffered defeat by rages enabling cause.
This is the story of a nine year old and the woman inside me.
Unbreak me whole
Piece me back together and unbreak me whole.
Take me out of this beat ridden hole.
Unscatter me!
Unpiece me!
Take back every strike and bruise.
Don’t misuse or abuse!
Pick me up off the floor.
Tell me you didn’t mean it when you said you didn’t love me anymore.
Breathe life back in me.
Open your arms and send me to freedom.
Unbreak me whole.
I want to be whole.


HAND FULL OF PILLS


Holding this hand full of pills.
It’s a power of wills
I could end it all.
It’s my call.
No more pain.
No more memories of where it came.
Hand full of pills
Love only kills!
Wasted away inside.
Save me from what I hide.
No one really sees me.
No one really knows me.
Hand full of pills
A void only death fills.
No more promises or lies.
No more breaking what he defies.
I am you!
Now you are only what’s true.
Hand full of pills
Down my throat it spills.
Ending my hell.
Ending stories I won’t have to remember or tell.
I can die!
Just die!


HALF MONSTER

I’m half monster.
Living in a “jackal and hide world”, of a father’s imposter.
In fear of that half coming out
I am left without.
Who am I?
Can I distinguish why?
Will anger entice me?
Will feelings sacrifice me?
I’m half monster!
I’m half of my father.
I can’t punish my child in fear of going to far.
I can’t change him without feeling dirty by a hidden scar.
He made me!
He hated me!
He’s my parent.
He’s my serpent.
I’m half monster!
He’s a monster.
I wish I knew where I fit.
“Half and half”, I am split.
My brothers followed his steps.
I am a misstep.
I wasn’t supposed to be.
Can I get rid of this monster inside of me?


TOY SOLDIER

We are toys who are owned and played!
He was trapped so we paid.
We paid that price over and over.
Our childhood is over!
We have to fight.
We have little right.
We are soldiers in a home of war.
We exist no more.
We just survive in his world.
Our emotions are twirled.
We don’t know what to feel.
We don’t know what’s real.
We are smaller in size and age.
But we can’t escape our lively cage.
Our lives just got a lot colder.
We are the toy soldiers.


PICTURES

Pictures and smiles a families great disguise.
Photographs of a normal family an illusion of what it secretly hides.
The family portrait in the hall is one of our biggest lies.
Our grins leave out what our eyes confides.
That day we were playing in the yard.
He got mad and beat me with a crow bar.
The pictures of my parents in Mexico left her scared.
He bashed her head in to the steering wheel of the car.
The pictures of little Travis playing with his new bike.
He was supposed to be happy but it wasn’t right.
Our dad picked up a PCP pipe for his strike.
When it comes to you father how are you suppose to fight.
It’s amazing what you don’t see in pictures.
It’s amazing how the truth is so easy to ignore.
People can be so blinded by wall fixtures.
It brings new meaning to what pictures are for.
The pictures of our happy family at the beach
Ended with father buried 6 feet deep.
My mother grabbed a knife the only thing in reach.
Now with her in jail my families incomplete.
Pictures hide so many things.
Pain only these pictures bring.



Why would a 12-year girl want to die?

Why would a 12-year girl want to die?
What would make a 12-year-old girl end her life?
Why would a 12-year-old girl want to say goodbye?
Now I lay here with an empty bottle of pills by my side.
It was just too much to hide.
My little brother found me on my bathroom floor.
He went screaming out the door.
The ambulance came and I heard voices fading away.
I can still make out what they say.
Why would a 12-year girl want to die?
What would make a 12-year-old girl end her life?
Why would a 12-year-old girl want to say goodbye?
Now I lay in a hospital bed.
He can’t hurt you anymore the nurse said.
Thank god the gun box was locked.
Now theirs a knock.
The cops came in and said my sister talked.
They said after what my father did he won’t walk.
Why would a 12-year girl want to die?
What would make a 12-year-old girl end her life?
Why would a 12-year-old girl want to say goodbye?
He came in my room at night.
Something’s a child just can’t fight.
Tired of living with this dirty feeling.
Tired of all together feeling.
Why Daddy Why?
Why would you make me cry, lie, and all-together die?
Why would a 12-year girl want to die?
What would make a 12-year-old girl end her life?
Why would a 12-year-old girl want to say goodbye?
Mom didn’t know.
She said it wasn’t my fault and beyond my control.
They said there were more.
They just were scared to come forward before.
Now I’m on the stand facing a child molester.
The lawyer asks my father.
Why would a 12-year girl want to die?
What would make a 12-year-old girl end her life?
Why would a 12-year-old girl want to say goodbye?
What did you do to your daughter that made her want to die?


Where are you god


God where are you??
When my father put me in hospital where were you?
When I wanted to die where were you.
When I had to testify against my father where were you.
God I keep reaching out
But somehow I end up without.
I keep asking myself what did I do that was so bad
That you would leave me with my dad.
Why won’t you forgive me?
Why won’t you save me?
God where are you??
Where did you go when my sister died?
Where did you go when he said he didn’t cheat but he lied?
Where did you go when my best friend was hit by a drunk driver?
Where were you when I was the only survivor?
I’m only human I was wrong come back to me.
I’m down on my knees.
Please I can’t take anymore!
I can’t watch another love one walk out that door.
God where are you.
There has to be a reason why I am here and why you are gone.
Why are you gone?
Can a person be born bad?
Is it possible to always be mad?
Are you there?
Why aren’t you fair?
Do you exist?
If so why do you resist?
Why won’t you save me?
Why didn’t you save me?
Save me?


You killed me!

With Every touch you made
My innocence fades.
Everything that makes me, me is shadowed.
My insides are now hollow.
I am a walking shell.
A product of your kind of hell.
Trust no longer exist
And that little girl I miss.
You killed me!
You killed me before I knew me!
You killed me a long time ago.
So many things I wish I didn’t know.
Death has cast its claim.
I am forever condemned in shame.
You were my dad,
Yet you took everything I ever had.
You broke me like glass.
I disappeared so fast.
A little girl shackled in chains
Surrounded by white sheets full of bloodstains.
Now I am a farce.
Falling into nothingness like a fading star.
You killed me!
You killed me before I knew me!
You killed me a long time ago.
So many things I wish I didn’t know.
Where did I go?
Where did I go?