Arguments

[Truth]

One of the worst things you can have in a relationship is an Argument...

Was never a big fan of it, but if you and your significant other were in a huge spat...What are some of the things you and your partner argue about? What were your most effective ways to get through it and the best forms of making up..? ...

For me the biggest argument Kathy and I had was our moral differences in life. She was very motivated, responsible, dedicated to her work and she wanted me to basically be like her. In a relationship you need to make compromises, which I did. I wanted to change, because I knew that it would benefit me in the long run. However, Kathy wanted me to change more rapidly and I could not keep up with the pace she wanted me to go at. By the time I had reached my motivation, my responsible nature and my dedication to hard work, it was too late.

But for arguments, I was not to sure what the effective way was to. I was the one that always wanted to talk about it after we had a little time to cool off. But the arguments kept on going, probably because one of us was not ready to talk it over. It took some time but when we did make up, it made it seem that our petty arguments were pointless.

[Truth]

So no one has ever been in an argument with their boyfriend/ girlfriend???

[Bravehearter]

Sure we have, not anything SUPER big..
Best way to make up..? Make up Sex :cool3:

[Kuky]

there will always be arguments of sorts. It's when both parties know (and know hat the other knows) that it's really meaningless, and the steam won't damage anything, that things are giong well.

[zoe]

I'm always starting arguements.. although, most of the time, I'm not sure if they could be considered arguements - he never really fights back. Most of the arguements are about silly things he does.. like not agreeing with me, being stubborn, not standing up for himself. I tend to overreact. :oops:

[Tootsie Pop]

Rarely. We have this amazing way to compromise on anything. In 10 months I can remember 3 times that we have had stand offs... but they arent really arguments. The first time was when we were bored, so he decided he wanted to have sex. At the time, I didnt want "being bored to be a reason for having sex" so I pushed away and he didnt understand becuase I wouldnt come right out and say "no." So a few days passed and we were a little awkward... then we talked about it and it was ok. During the height of my depression I made some rude comments and I sincerely upset him. However, he pulled me aside and we talked it out. Once again... everything was great. My third one actually occured 2 days ago. I went to his college to spend a few days with him. While he was at class I was playing on his computer and reading his poems. Well, I accidentally stumbled upon a file where he listed all the girls that he has ever been with and he gave them scores for how "good" they were. I was heartbroken when I saw that I was on the list. I was afraid to tell him, because I was wrong for looking at his stuff. FINALLY we talked it out without blaming anyone. And eventually after some tears, we let all the anger pass. We cant stay mad at each other. Other than those 3 times, we have never had a fight. In my oppinion, those 3 dont even count. Its all about talking and understanding.

[Crash Override]

Conflict is an essential part of any relationship.

I wish my girlfriend and I would argue more...not like, huge, relationship-threatening arguments, just simple, petty things. :lol:
We're both so damn laid back it's not funny, so really there's nothing we've ever felt strongly enough to argue about, except...

...Christianity. She's hardcore Christian. I'm hardcore not.
I think taking kids to church at a young age is brainwashing, I think the bible is terribly outdated and inaccurate, and I just have problems with the foundation and the processes by which the religion is carried out.

When we argued about it, we almost ended up breaking up, because quite honestly, I thought we could have no future together. If we got married, I would refuse to let her take my children to church with her...and she deserves better than that. She deserves someone who has the same beliefs as her, so they could have a united, happy Christian family. Besides, if I'm going to be burning in hell with the whole fire and brimstone deal, why should she be dating me? Isn't it a waste of time? I mean, these scant few years that we have on earth compared to an eternity of afterlife, an afterlife that I will be unable to share with her...she should find someone who can share that afterlife with her (if it exists).

We're still working it out, but we've decided not to break up, which is good.

[zoe]

Well, I accidentally stumbled upon a file where he listed all the girls that he has ever been with and he gave them scores for how "good" they were. I was heartbroken when I saw that I was on the list.

He better have given you a 10!

[BigJim]

we argue over very minor and petty things, then after a while we realise how stupid it is and get over it.

[Asphodelle13]

I'm just not the type of person to start an argument, and I feel like I could never stay mad at my b/f for long, I don't have a mean bone in my body for him, and I'm learning to be more understanding..so we've hardly ever argued(slight disagreements maybe). But I can also be passive-aggressive. That's why communication is so important I think. I've always been the one to cringe at conflict, and whenever hateful things are said to me I tend to assume way too much(when things are said out of irrational anger) and get really dramatic(and sulk) like its the end of the world, or just bottle feelings up inside. So in a worst-case scenario where a fight couldn't be avoided, I'd probably just walk away and allow a cool down period. But I'm learning to not make assumptions all the time, cause arguments are a part of even the most healthy relationships, they're not the end of the world.

And if all else fails then there's always make-up sex, woooohooooo! :mrgreen: :D :P

[Klounn]

any relationship ahs its arguments, friends, family AND SO's i've neevr been in a relationship without at least ONE fight, cept that one time i went out with someone for about 10 minutes... oh well.. :roll:

[Deidre]

Umm... we don't argue. Never had. We almost got into an argument on something really petty I can't even remember right now, and as we started to raise our voices it just got to the point where I said that I wasn't going to argue with him about something so unimportant, and we stopped.

Otherwise we haven't had an argument so far (almost nine months).

[Truth]

Its all about talking and understanding.


That statment right there echos the truth...

[waiting_on_an_angel]

I avoid serious conflict and so does he. When I get upset about something, its obvious in my behavior and he knows well enough now to just give me a hug and tell me he's there if I want to talk. I usually just go over things in my head and realize how stupid I'm being and get over it quickly. My boyfriend on the other hand hides it well, but I still know. I usually just give him a huge hug, look him straight in the eye and tell him how much I care about it. That usually makes him smile. We do however
have petty stupid arguements. Our latest ones have been about the Teletubbies and how he thinks I'm fat. (Inside joke regarding a pair of huge underwear he bought me for V-day as a joke.) I just like to get him riled up cause he's oh so adorable when he's pouting.

[SoSweetAngel]

Sure we do.
Unluckily for him - I'm one of those people who gets up[set about things and takes them ou on the nearest possible target. And hehas a way of laughing at me at the *wrong* moment.
We used to fight a lot more - I think I've calmed down a lot! We both have a go at each other pretty equally I think...
The best way to resolve an argument is to apologise. I read this thing in a book abuot coping with arguments...
Just stop, and think, 1. Why yo are angry 2. Why you are upset 3. What you feel regret/sorrow about 3. Understanding - think about their point of view 5. Love - you are with this person because you love them.
Then after that, if you're still feel the same, then it's probably something which youwon't agree on - something that is just a difference of opinion for example. Then you have to compromise. Not as hard as you might think :)
Afterwards, forget that subject of conversation for a while, talk about soemthing else, or go for a walk or something.

People who don't EVER argue with their SO - it won't last. Some time you will end up looking at them and wanting to hit them with a blunt metal object. Well, maybe not that bad. But think about relaionships with family, friends...you argue, you make up, all is fine.

[sunfrost]

I don't fear conflicts... I have a lot of experience if you may call it so... But arguments have never ended badly, I always grew closer to the person whom I had an argument with. If both parties are willing to listen to eachother this resolve pretty quickly. So if you really love eachother it won't hurt a relationship and you will laugh about it later.

Most of the time those arguments are about very little things, but if those very little things come togheter and form a mountan of little things they can start to bother someone and this will lead to a conflict. Just talk about it, little things are resolved with little words and actions.

Stupid example from when I was young:

I had a very bad argument with a girl friend of mine on a vacation. She had her period and cramps so she acted pretty irritated sometimes. I didn't know why, so I get irritated. She get's irritated because I am etc etc. Both blew up in eachothers face... waited an hour or so to cool down, asked what is wrong... she tells... I understand... tada... stupid thing to wreck a relationship on. Don't...

[Adonis]

remember people... it's not a relationship.. UNTIL you have an arguement.. life can and will not be peechy keen for all your life.. instead it's gonna be filled with problems, and compromises...


and personally, tootsie... if i were you, i would have taken that file.. and edited it so that you were on top and given yourself and atrociously high score... *licks*

[Tootsie Pop]

Well, I accidentally stumbled upon a file where he listed all the girls that he has ever been with and he gave them scores for how "good" they were. I was heartbroken when I saw that I was on the list.

He better have given you a 10!

Just the fact that I was on the list had me seeing blurry. I couldnt remember my score if I tried. The fact that I was on it was like getting hit with a hammer. It just made me feel like a possesion. However, luckily he explained that it wasnt what it seemed to be, and therefore I push that hurt aside.

[waiting_on_an_angel]

Today in my Human Sexuality class, we were given the 12 characteristics of a sexy and healthy romantic longterm relationship. #5 dealt with how a healthy couple handles an arguement. They put the problem aside and do something pleasurable, like see a movie together or have sex. Then after both people are happy, they discuss the problem and easily solve it without getting upset because they deal with only the issue at hand and don't bring up the past, exaggerate, etc. That's something to think about.

[indigold]

we sometimes argue over stupid things because we both won't succumb to being wrong. But usually it's just forgotten and life goes on. It's kind of annoying sometimes though cuz nothing really gets resolved. I like closure, whether it's good or not. but if it's something really stupid (like the things we usually argue about) then I'll sacrifice it for our relationship

[Truth]

we sometimes argue over stupid things because we both won't succumb to being wrong.



That was one of the problems my ex and I had...All we do is argue about stupid and major things and would not admit to eachother or to ourselves that we were wrong....



It's kind of annoying sometimes though cuz nothing really gets resolved. I like closure, whether it's good or not.


I too, like closure and there even though we broke up there were still alot of wounds still left opened that need to heal but I guess that is what the break up was for...So I could have that time to heal away from what was cutting at me...

[Truth]

Today in my Human Sexuality class, we were given the 12 characteristics of a sexy and healthy romantic longterm relationship. #5 dealt with how a healthy couple handles an arguement. They put the problem aside and do something pleasurable, like see a movie together or have sex. Then after both people are happy, they discuss the problem and easily solve it without getting upset because they deal with only the issue at hand and don't bring up the past, exaggerate, etc. That's something to think about.


waiting_on_an_angel, sometimes that does not help...although you talk about it, you can still get into a disagreement with that person because your views can not be compromised upon and the argument continues....

[hunny]

Argument?! Grrrr, I am having one right now with my current bf...

With my ex, we argued sometimes, but not that often until it was near the 'decline' of our relationship. Then we argued every time we spoke.
Frequently, in the later months, we were arguing about basic and serious issues, like trust, whether there was enough 'commitment' on MY part, etc. We resolved little arguments by talking things out, usually both of us saying 'sorry' and then kissing, making up (a little make up sex never hurt either.)
We resolved the big issues, by, well, breaking up.

Tootsie pop, your story sounds a lot like one of mine, in which I read my bf's email (he gave me his password) and found a file of letters from his best friend, who obviously didn't like me. I was so upset about it, but it was also something not meant for me to see. Just like the file you found. And I just have to say, that is SUCH a guy thing to do! God!

Anyway, about the recent argument with my 'now' bf..... oops, well, I guess never mind about that, bc we haven't been together long enough to 'qualify' for the long haul criteria of this forum. Hmmph

*leaves thread, kicks a chair on the way out*

[Prism]

I'm always starting arguements.. although, most of the time, I'm not sure if they could be considered arguements - he never really fights back. Most of the arguements are about silly things he does.. like not agreeing with me, being stubborn, not standing up for himself. I tend to overreact. :oops:

No one tell my boyfriend, parents, sister, or friends about this - but I ALWAYS overreact. ;) I start almost every fight I'm in with anybody, and am always the antagonist. :oops: I dunno, with alot of things I find anger easier to deal with that depression, I'd much rather be mad and not wanting to see the person that be upset that we wern't talking. However, I'm finding it more and more difficult to let anger take over with my boyfriend, it's usually a mix which sucks worse than just one of them :P Anyways, we fight over everything - petty things (like what Zoe said she fights over, him not agreeing with me, my stubborness, him just saying he gives up, him not fighting back, etc, etc...)

We haven't had many major fights, but when we did have a few... Um, the first was about trust, and this was when he first started dating me... It involved photo negitives from a party that my friend had that I wanted but he refused to let me have. Another was about this guy who was hitting on me at a party we were at and me hanging out with him while we were there and flirting back (Opps), even though I had NO intrest in the other guy... and then telling him things about my relationship with my BF that made my guy look like a moron. (I was still bitter and resentful over seeing him check out my friend in her slut costume from the play she was in we'd gone to see). Another was... umm... About us never going out or doing anything, those ones happened ALOT but wern't really fights, they were more or less discussions where we tried to resolve things w/o the actual fight. And the only other one I can remember was today's, where I made a joke that cut him up in response to soemthing he said in front of his friends I didn't like, and he got mad over it.

Yupp, fighting's healthy. Plus it keeps my screaming skills up for those run ins with my sister ;)

[Truth]

I have to say that arguing is healthy but however if the arguments get to become more and more frequent it starts to become unhealthy... It just gets to the point where sometimes the relationship is no longer worth it if the two people can not compromise on anything anymore...

[Cashew]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 16 monthes now, and our first real fight was two nights ago. We've had little disagreements about things before (ie. he gets jealous when guys hit on me, and I tend to turn a blind eye to these things, so I can't figure out what's bugging him, and he then gets upset because I don't have enough self-confidence.... but it's all good), but we've never 'fought.' :P And Monday we finally did! And it was super fun! He feels that I don't even try to follow him when he's talking about things he's interested in, even though he tries to figure out what's going on when I'm talking about art, and I said, "Yes I do!" and we compromised, and it was awesome! We had SOOO much fun arguing about his car, it was incredible. We just poked fun at each other, and listened to what was being said, and it was sweet. :cool3: Totally made-out when I saw him the next day... :wink:

... :-? My friends tried to tell me that it wasn't an arguement if we weren't actually 'fighting' by calling each other nasty names, but I've got to disagree. *Sighs with happiness* It felt so good for us to get that stuff out of our systems. Infrequent fighting is definitely good for you, as long as you keep the tone of it light. :wink:

[Truth]

It felt so good for us to get that stuff out of our systems. Infrequent fighting is definitely good for you, as long as you keep the tone of it light. :wink:

I have to agree that it is a good way to get certain things that bother you out of the system.....any you can forget about it and continue on with the relationship :D

[Tortuga]

My boyfriend and I don't fight a whole bunch. Like a lot of other people who've replied, basically it's just silly little things, and I'm almost always the one to start it. I don't get mad easily, but I do get annoyed VERY easily. I have a lot of pet peeves. And so sometimes he'll do something that's annoying to me, and I'll ask him to stop, and just cuz he thinks it's funny, sometimes he'll keep doing it, and that's when I get ticked. So then I scowl and get upset, but then he apologizes and I forgive him. It's all good.

I agree with whoever said that the best way to make up to take the initiative and say "I'm sorry" when you know you're wrong. Sometimes that's really hard to do because of pride, but it really makes all the difference in the world. I actually find it really easy to apologize to my boyfriend, because I love him SO much that I don't want us to have anything causing a rift between us. However, I don't think "I'm sorry" is enough. I think it's important to actually say, "Will you forgive me?" along with that, and it's equally important for the other person to say, "Yes, I forgive you." And to really mean it. We have that policy in place, and it comes in really handy, because if he asks me if I'll forgive him and I'm not ready to yet, I *will* say "no." And it lets him know we still have things to talk about.

Tortuga

[Mooch]

most of my arguments with my gf are of the form of me complaining about something and her not arguing back...

she says that she can't win arguments so she doesn't argue...which is frusterating soemtimes when I want to complain about something :P

[Shocka]

Well, I accidentally stumbled upon a file where he listed all the girls that he has ever been with and he gave them scores for how "good" they were. I was heartbroken when I saw that I was on the list.

Argh. The idea of someone doing something like that is just.. argh. It especially pisses me off because I don't have a girlfriend right now (even though it's becoming desperate that I need someone otherwise everything else is just going to go to hell) and I would never even think of doing something like that. It's really pretty terrible.

Anyway, someone suggested make-up sex. Not always a good thing. If you go and have sex and ignore the problem it will surface again. Arguments must be faced head on. Relationships are a matter of working together and "compromising" - not self sacrificing, but coming to agreeances. You wont always follow the same beliefs or anything, but you must come to understand each other. Otherwise you're relationship is doomed. Doomed!

waiting_on_an_angel, can you PM me the rest of that list? I'm deadly interested in reading it.

[Truth]

I agree with whoever said that the best way to make up to take the initiative and say "I'm sorry" when you know you're wrong. Sometimes that's really hard to do because of pride, but it really makes all the difference in the world.



It does make a difference. Sometimes though the other person is not always ready to accept the "i'm sorry". It took hours before my ex would accept an apology from me and this is after telling her I was wrong and she would ask me "why are you sorry?", as if I have to tell her again how wrong I was and admiting your wrong is tough due to pride but however it is also really hard when you are in a relationship where to people always think they are right..

[Tortuga]

I agree with you, Truth, which is why I think it's just as important for the other person to say "I forgive you." Because if you really think about it, saying THOSE three words requires quite a bit of swallowing of pride, too. Because if you don't say that, it's like saying, "Why should I forgive you? You messed up," thus implying you never make mistakes. So that's why we have the forgiveness policy in place, and not just the "I'm sorry" policy.

Tortuga

[Truth]

important for the other person to say "I forgive you." Because if you really think about it, saying THOSE three words requires quite a bit of swallowing of pride, too. Because if you don't say that, it's like saying, "Why should I forgive you? You messed up," thus implying you never make mistakes. So that's why we have the forgiveness policy in place, and not just the "I'm sorry" policy.

Tortuga

I think that is so true...A forgivness policy is very important too. However, it is such a shame that people in relationships forget about that and only want the to hear from the other person "i'm sorry"... It it so sad cause alot of good realtionships end due to it.... There should always be a place in the heart where someone can always forgive you, especially in a relationship... I guess for me, I am a very forgiving person but my ex was not as such. Causing to much friction and eventually we just stopped forgiving eachother... :(

[BigJim]

it's not just the 'forgiving' aspect...

it's the forgetting that's the key.

if you forgive them, you need to move on, get over it and forget it. keeping account of the injury is very detrimental to any relationship.

[Truth]

it's not just the 'forgiving' aspect...

it's the forgetting that's the key.

if you forgive them, you need to move on, get over it and forget it. keeping account of the injury is very detrimental to any relationship.


You are so right.... I actually forgot about that aspect (no pun intended :P)

Forgetting about it is important... And I don't know how many times my ex and I had brought up the same argument over and over again, the same ones that we had just resolved months and weeks before. I suppose the issues outstanding between me and her were just to great of a thing to forget about. I am just glad i am no longer wit her....

[JessiMari]

Ay you guyz, I had a fight with my bf last week because of some stupid girl that we both don't even know...I got so mad at him because he was talking to some girl on the internet that he doesn't even know who she was. I mean yeah it's kind of stupid, but I really did get mad because he denied he had a gf which was me. I ended up saying "YOU suck" and then eventually I got over it. Yeah like truth has said, it's healthy if you do get into fights because if you don't than that might also be a bad thing.

[ShRt SwEEt*n*SexY]

well in the over 2 years we have been going out we have had 2 fights, first he almost dumped me because i was a bitch and he said he didn't think i liked him but i was 14 and didn't really let many people on to my feelings. and 2nd time was at a party when he was a huge jerk to me just cuz he was having "a whose penis is bigger contest" w/ his ass hole friend( we have had mutual hatered for each other since 1st grade). and i said somthing about how much i couldn't stand the kid and he snapped at me. So i didn't talk to him the rest of the night and was miserable till he called the next day and admitted what a jerk he had been. i have never been in that bad of a mood in my life i was all depressed so i made brwnies to drownd my feelings in and then we didn't have any milk to go with them so i started cryingand when my sister got home i made her go get milk. then he called and we talked it out and we decided that our first fight was my fault, and our second was his fault and that we were even. our best method of making up is communication, just looking each other straight in the eye and admitting the problem and how we need to fix it to make things work.

[Truth]

Ay you guyz, I had a fight with my bf last week because of some stupid girl that we both don't even know...I got so mad at him because he was talking to some girl on the internet that he doesn't even know who she was. I mean yeah it's kind of stupid, but I really did get mad because he denied he had a gf which was me. I ended up saying "YOU suck" and then eventually I got over it. Yeah like truth has said, it's healthy if you do get into fights because if you don't than that might also be a bad thing.


well, if you guys can forgive and forget then there should be no further issues with that, but on the other hand he should not have lied about having a gf, that is kind of a bad thing...but now it is water underbridge now so just let it flow away from you...

[zoe]

Unluckily for him - I'm one of those people who gets up[set about things and takes them ou on the nearest possible target.

That is soo me, haha.

What upsets me most is how my bf is a slacker, I guess you could say. He's always getting in trouble for it. I try to keep my cool, but it upsets me so much when he doesn't seem to try at all. I mean, am I not worth him pulling his act together to make sure that he gets everything he needs to done, so that we can live a happy, arguement-free relationship? It really does affect me more than he notices. But yeah, if it's the only way I can get his attention, I will most likely start going at it with him until he gets the point and I think he might actually change.

If something's bothering me, I let everyone know. One way or another, usually in arguements or me saying something mean.