He doesn't want to get married anytime soon . .help!

[atlmichelle]

Hello, I'm new to this forum and have quite a problem that I could use a few opinions on.

My BF and I have been together for 2 years and have a wonderful relationship. After a year together he asked me to move in with him and I took this to mean that we were moving towards taking the next step in our relationship. . . .marriage. Now, I do realize that in all reality 2 years is not extremely long, but we are 24 and 25 and I would like to start a family before 30 while also having plenty of time alone as husband and wife. And I knew almost immediately after we started dating that he was someone I could spend the rest of my life with and that feeling has not changed. I expected a proposal this christmas because we have discussed our future together and what we wanted and living together was going so much better than we ever expected.

I already feel like we are married. We do everything that married couples do and most people refer to us as married. Well, the other day we had a fight over this because one of his friends referred to me as his wife and he snapped back at them with the most horrid look on his face that I was only his girlfriend. This produced a hour long fight later in the evening, where he told me that he was nowhere near ready to get married and that he hated this "transition period of life" and he plans to continuing partying with his friend and having "boys nights" for several more years before he's ready to settle down. So I asked him why he asked me to move in then and he said it was because he thought it was stupid to pay for two apartments when we could just pay for one.

I was horrified at this news because I have been ready to be an adult now and be done with the college party lifestyle for some time and do not understand his need to hold on to it. Its not like we never go out and when we are married I plan on going out just as much as we do now (3 times month) and I still want to be able to hang out with our friends separately when we are married as well. However, he doesn't see it that way.

He told me he couldn't see himself getting married any sooner than 28. That's four years away!!! Now I don't know what to do. There is no way I'm willing to wait that long. I love him so much, but living together to me is a huge step only taken by couples who are about to be married and I need the commitment of marriage when we have taken that step and see how wonderful it is.

My only two options now i feel are to wait it out or leave and find someone who is ready for marriage. I'm worried that the mere fact that we are not ready at the same time tells me we are not perfect for one another. I'm also worried that if I wait it out, he'll tell me at 28 that he is still not ready and will keep stringing me along and wasting my time.


any opinions will be greatly appreciated.

[eightball61]

If you leave him then you'll need to start all over with someone new. Your current boyfriend "is" making the proper steps into making this relationship more but he is taking it one step at a time. I feel that he does want to marry you but simply just isn't ready for that yet. Most people today are waiting to get married because of how many young marriages have failed. There is nothing wrong in wanting to be fully established before marriage. You feel this way because you are ready for marriage and his words are not something you wanted to hear. The only thing you can do at this point is to either accept this pace or not to accept it......Remember, that the future always remains untold so his thoughts about marriage could change a few years down the road.

[BlondTgr]

This is a stretch, and I don't want to get your hopes up...but have you ever seen friends? haha. It kind of seems like maybe he'd get that mad because the friend knew he was going to propose, and he didn't want it ruined. You thought he would propose this Christmas for a reason...there's still time, it's not Christmas yet. Maybe he's completely bluffing so it's a huge suprise. That's one idea.

Another is that...well, if you love him as much as you say you do, and you do want to spend the rest of your life with him, maybe you should wait for him. If he feels so strongly, you should probably respect that. The fact that you're thinking of leaving him over this, might be a sign that you don't want to be with him as much as you think. I'm the kind of person who plans her life out, I want to get married before 30, etc, but if I really loved someone that much and wanted to be with him that much...I would wait. Though if 28 rolls around and he isn't ready, definitely ditch him. That's not worth it, if he keeps postponing, then something is definitely wrong with him or the relationship that needs to be worked out or left behind.

[Nurseman]

I'm confused. Are you in love with this guy, or with marriage? Your post gives me the impression that you are all ready to walk down the aisle, but not too concerned as to whom with.

Also, I wonder, whats the rush? The biological clock isn't really all THAT much an issue anymore. For all practical intents and purposes, you ARE married. (In SOME places, you're LEGAL too!) Ok, I know that "practical" and "marriage" aren't words that really go together well.
But, anyway, why are you in such a big hurry? Can you not enjoy the "married" life you two are leading right now?

You have a legitimate point, and a legitimate gripe. Frankly, I think you are the proud owner of a "party boy" and you want the picket fence. Unfortunately, there are (usually) TWO people in a relationship. Its an equal partnership. He DID ask you to move in. You ASSUMED that meant a marriage proposal was forthcoming. Maybe it is. But I think that you need to let HIM decide when it comes. Unless you want to be modern and ask HIM.

In the meantime, understand that you HAVE something good here. You HAVE a man. You have somebody who obviously cares a great deal about you. Who DOES love you. Lightening HAS struck. Do you really want to toss it away, hoping that it will strike again? It doesn't always.

**Looks around at my cold, empty, silent, house**

(sigh)

[dtbmnec]

I was with my ex for 2 years. In that time we'd mentioned things like "when would you feel comfortable marrying a girlfriend" and things like that (all hypothetical of course). He wouldn't feel comfortable moving in with his gf before 2 to 3 years, wouldn't feel comfortable proposing for another 3 to 4 years after that and wouldn't feel comfortable actually marrying for another 2 years or so.

My current boyfriend....well all I know is that he'd not want to get married until he's finished a decent portion of his schooling (ie. he can get a job that isn't minimum wage!) (he also wants his PhD....w00t debt! lol)....I've been with Arron for almost 10 months now and we're debating moving in together if not next month then maybe in April when my lease comes up for renewal. The reason for next month is that he already pretty much lives with me (he spends more time with me than with his family....which kinda irks his family a little heh).

Moving in together wouldn't automatically mean that there's a proposal coming within the next few years by any means. Then again I am only 21 and so have a good long time before I need to worry about any of this.

Listen to Nurseman....he's got a great point! (not that you don't) He's been there and is a wonderful person to listen to. He gives great advice and doesn't try to bullshit you when he doesn't know what's wrong (speaking from his medical background in Nurse's office). Yes, he is a man who CAN and does admit defeat! Listen to him....

A thing about ages and your boyfriend not being ready until 28....well if things get rough financially it might be a little more difficult to get a wedding put together and all so bear in mind other factors in the situation (ie. like if his mom has just died or something he might not want to get married right that second you know?). Just be intelligent about the whole "he doesn't want to get married until 28" thing.

Megan

[kuju]

I would like to start a family before 30 while also having plenty of time alone as husband and wife.

I already feel like we are married. We do everything that married couples do and most people refer to us as married.

Honestly, aside from the words "I do" I don't really see what the problem is. I don't WANT to have children yet... i.e. sometime before 30, but having a few years with him before. Obviously he wants that too. You already feel married, you just haven't said the words. I can understand wanting to be married, but since you already feel that way, you're both committed to the relationship, does it really matter? you wanted to spend a few years just with him anyway, and you're doing that.

[Enani]

well, you can always do what women have been doing for centuries: get pregnant

[kuju]

which is hardly a good solution...

[Deidre]

I don't get it.

You want to start a family before 30. 28 is before 30. You want to have time to yourself, just you and your "husband" before that. You have four years until you're 28.

The way I see it, what you should be discussing is what marriage means to you, and when you want to start a family, not fight about whether or not you should get married now. Maybe marriage to him means starting a family, and if he doesn't want to do that until you're 28, you're both on the same page just lousy communicators about it. Talk to him. Don't just make assumptions about what things like that mean to him. As you've already experienced, he didn't have the same opinions about moving in together as you had.

[lemmi]

go out three times a month...whoa there! don't push the boat out!
Seriously what's the problem? From your post you don't normally seem to argue, you love each other, you seem happy (apart from this).
Why feel the need to plan everything down to the last detail?
We must get married in t-minus 1 year, 3 months and two days or my plan will be destroyed thus ruining all chances of happiness in life!!!

[Tortuga]

I disagree with the other posters. I feel like it's reasonable to expect that a marriage proposal was in the near future if he asked you to move in with him, as long as he knew that's what your expectation of living together is. If he didn't know that asking you to move in would mean you're expecting a proposal, well, then, you can't really fault him for that.

However, and this is where I disagree with the others, if you're ready to find someone who is willing to commit, then you should find that person. He says he won't be ready until he's 28. What's so special about the number 28? Seems like a number he just arbitrarily picked. Is he going to have all of his partying out of his system by then or what? Is he all of a sudden magically going to feel thrilled with marriage when he hits that special age?

Like you said, how do you know he'll be ready at 28? Four years is a long time to just sit around waiting for him. I know they say "love is patient," but it sounds like you two need to have a serious conversation about what each of you is looking for from this relationship. Do you know he even wants to marry you, period? Are you sure of that? If you knew that for sure, then I'd *consider* waiting, but if you talk to him and he says something like, "Well, who knows what the future will bring," or something equally fuzzy, I'd seriously question whether or not the two of you are going to be together forever. The fact that the "reason" why he asked you to move in is because it made more sense to pay for one apartment than two doesn't exactly scream "marriage material."

[Lone_Raider]

I just noticed this thread and had to reply. For some reason, since the time I was in my early teens like 14 or 15, I've said that I won't get married untill I'm 28, so its strange that I feel the same as this guy! However, I'm not a wild party type at all, never have been, never will be. I just don't want an official life altering marriage untill I'm older and have spent my 20's relatively free. Of course, I'm 23 now, but I'm not in a long term relationship so I don't have to worry about it really lol. Still, 24 and 25 is still very young, I know people get married and have kids earlier, but I wouldn't. I think those two things should wait till people are a bit older with more experience and perhaps more established in life. I know there are some things I wanted to go out and do on my own without having to worry about a wife and family baggage.

Anyway, you two are together and going well besides this marriage thing it seems, so what's the rush? It does seem kind of ridiculous that you'd just run out and find someone else to marry, its almost like you want an official "marriage" more than a good relationship.