In A Relationship and Wanting To Experiment

[HungryHippo]

Here's the back story:

I'm 23 and have been dating a great girl for about two months now. This is my first relationship, and I lost my virginity to this girl which I do not at all regret.

We got in to the relationship VERY fast. We just felt so comfortable with each other and it felt right from the beginning. I never thought that I could feel this way with anyone.
We are very close and talk everyday, either in person or on the phone for hours. We also have a fantastic sex life, we are both so comfortable with each other that we tell each other what we like without any embarassment. We are also both very experimental and are both prepared to do pretty much anything to make the other happy.

Sounds great, huh?

Well here's the thing:

Up until now I've been a quite reserved person, I've always found it quite difficult to talk to women that I am attracted to, and that's part of the reason I haven't been in a long term relationship until now.

Since I've been with this girl I've got so much more confidence, not just with women, but also with life in general. I'm prepared to be much more forward and my girlfriend has noticed this.

The other day she told me that she was worried that I was becoming so confident because I had proved to myself that I could 1) carry a relationship and 2) because we have been so experimental, I am very comfortable with pleasuring a woman and we have explorered each others bodies closely.

She was worried that because of my confidence that I would want to move beyond what she could offer me, both in terms of sex and the relationship. Of course I comforted her and told her that would not happen, but I'm worried that she may be right.

In the past few weeks my extra confidence has been obvious at work, so much so that some of my collegues have commented. Normally I'm very quiet and don't take part in the social side of work much, but recently I've been very happy being the centre of attention. Because of this I've been getting more attention from the opposite sex. In the last three weeks I've been asked on dates three times by three different people, each time, of course, I've turned them down due to my girlfriend, but it's getting increasingly difficult to do this.

I care about my girlfriend so much, in fact she met my parents for the first time this week and fitted in perfectly. But I can't help feeling that I am missing out on something, almost as though I want to experience relationships and sex with other girls just to see how it might be different or to measure my current relationship against it.

There's a girl at work that I have been talking to a lot lately, and I almost considered going on a date behind my girlfriends back just to experience what it would be like, but I don't want to hurt my partner if she found out.

I know it's normal to want to experiment when you are young, but I don't want to ruin my relationship with my girlfriend. I almost wish I had met her in a few years time, so that I could more less tied down now.

Does anyone have any experience of this or advice on what I could do?

Thanks in advance.

[ittakessome]

ouch. youre in a pickle. well i guess all you can do is choose your girlfriend or single life. but dont hurt your girlfriend by cheating on her. if you want to date that other girl than respect your current girlfriend and dont do it behind her back.

[GrumpyBear]

I'm biased so I'll acknowledge that from the start but...

It is my opinion that if everything were truly so great with your girlfriend you wouldn't really want to experiment with other girls because you have everything you want/need with your girlfriend. The very fact that you want to see another girl and are willing to do it behind your girlfriend's back, even though you claim she means so much to you, tells me that things aren't as great as you let on. I would say break it off with you girlfriend if you're considering seeing other girls, it's just totally not fair to her.

[Danae]

It's pretty obvious that your newfound confidence is coming from the success of your relationship. The thing is, it is your first. You really have nothing in your past to help you out with this and because the relationship is going well you think you can do anything or get any girl you want. I'd be careful. You're running the risk of really hurting your girlfriend on the basis of a pretty superficial situation. If the feelings persists, though, you have to let her know. It sucks for her but no good comes from dragging her along any longer than necessary.

[Deidre]

Originally posted by HungryHippo+Jan 26 2005, 12:45 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (HungryHippo @ Jan 26 2005, 12:45 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>that's part of the reason I haven't been in a long term relationship until now.[/b]
Not to be the one to rain on your parade, but buddy, two months is hardly, or even close to, a long term relationship... nor is it evidence that you're able to "carry a relationship".

Originally posted by HungryHippo@Jan 26 2005, 12:45 AM
Since I've been with this girl I've got so much more confidence, not just with women, but also with life in general. [..] She was worried that because of my confidence that I would want to move beyond what she could offer me, both in terms of sex and the relationship.
Okay, so you met this girl, you had sex with her and suddenly you have all this confidence because someone wants you. It's hardly something new and her fears aren't particularly unfounded... it happens all the time. People use each other for a while to get confident, thinking they really want that other person, and then when they're confident they want to stretch their legs.

Originally posted by HungryHippo@Jan 26 2005, 12:45 AM
Because of this I've been getting more attention from the opposite sex. In the last three weeks I've been asked on dates three times by three different people, each time, of course, I've turned them down due to my girlfriend, but it's getting increasingly difficult to do this.
I may be biased, but I'd say that if you cared about this girl so much, it wouldn't be "increasingly difficult". You know, no one of the opposite sex ever paid any attention to me until I had my first boyfriend (with the exception of my boyfriend, of course, who had paid attention to me) and then suddenly people were all over me, it seemed. The only time it was "difficult" to say no was after we broke up, and I'd said no 500 times already and they guy wouldn't stop whining, stalking me and asking me out.
If you're genuinely interested in someone else, it shouldn't be hard at all.
...if you're not, though...

Originally posted by HungryHippo@Jan 26 2005, 12:45 AM
I care about my girlfriend so much, in fact she met my parents for the first time this week and fitted in perfectly. But I can't help feeling that I am missing out on something, almost as though I want to experience relationships and sex with other girls just to see how it might be different or to measure my current relationship against it.
Beware of this trap where you mistake enjoying someone's company and getting along with them, with loving and caring deeply for someone... especially if they're growing into a family role with more people involved, because it'll cloud your judgement.

If you feel like you're "missing out", you don't enough emotion invested in your relationship. Yes, it's hard to judge a relationship when you have nothing to compare it to, but why should you judge it if you were truly enjoying it?

<!--QuoteBegin-HungryHippo@Jan 26 2005, 12:45 AM
There's a girl at work that I have been talking to a lot lately, and I almost considered going on a date behind my girlfriends back just to experience what it would be like, but I don't want to hurt my partner if she found out.[/quote]
Doesn't this say it all?

If her existence is all that's stopping you, and it's increasingly difficult to even allow that to stop you, doesn't that say a whole lot about your bond?

The way I see it, you have two options:
1) you break up with her and live your life and hope it's all better
2) you give it another shot, with a dreamy hope that maybe this will turn into something awesome and you'll develop feelings for her that are stronger than the curiosity of your libido

[Sydney123456]

Originally posted by Danae@Jan 26 2005, 10:37 AM
It's pretty obvious that your newfound confidence is coming from the success of your relationship. The thing is, it is your first. You really have nothing in your past to help you out with this and because the relationship is going well you think you can do anything or get any girl you want. I'd be careful. You're running the risk of really hurting your girlfriend on the basis of a pretty superficial situation. If the feelings persists, though, you have to let her know. It sucks for her but no good comes from dragging her along any longer than necessary.
Thank you, Danae, for saying this for me.

I feel as though you should be pretty damn careful with what you're doing here. I will never advocate in a million years to cheat on your girlfriend, so my advice to you is DON'T. Also, you may just want to wait a little bit before you try anything else on for size. However, if you jsut simply can't control yourself...get out of the relationship; you'd be doing her a favor.

[chiukit]

mmm, this is a damn bad situation that i probably wouldnt know how to get out of either (except that i do have experience on my back). anyway, deidre highlighted the main points already. but here's another: that gut feeling you have, sometimes it tells you things and you just have to trust it. what's it telling you? is this girl gonna be it for the next long while? or would it just end up short and you'll have your eyes on someone else? (well, seems like you do already.) the thing is, what if you broke up with your girlfriend, went out with this girl, and just didn't have a good time at all? or what if, you decide to go behind your girlfriend's back, and suddenly you're getting deeper in your relationship but at the same time this new girl seems amazing? it's a choice you have to make. sometimes, the wrong one is the best one. just ask yourself what you really want with the girlfriend...

[Wrightman84]

I'm kinda having this problem too
well minus the girls asking me out
I personally stick with the look but don't touch attitude... and don't get caught looking.. cus i mean looking isn't as bad as cheating. Like i look at other girls then i look at my gf and i then realize that I like my gf more than the attractive girls. Plus a little jealousy on her behalf doesn't hurt me thinks.
But sometimes I wonder "what if I went out with another girl just to reasure myself that I am truly in love with my gf." like just one date, no kissing nothing physical at all just a harmless date. But then again I think I am happy with my gf.

I say either break up with your gf and go for other girls

OR

tell her that you want to go out with other girls for a bit to reasure yourself that she is the one for you, as in "let's take a break"

OR

just wonder and stick with the good thing that you have

[GrumpyBear]

tell her that you want to go out with other girls for a bit to reasure yourself that she is the one for you, as in "let's take a break"


Warning about that one, some girls don't do breaks. If my boyfriend wanted a break to date other girls (not just a little time away from each other without actually separating) it'd be permanent :/

[ittakessome]

Originally posted by GrumpyBear@Jan 27 2005, 06:28 PM
Warning about that one, some girls don't do breaks. If my boyfriend wanted a break to date other girls (not just a little time away from each other without actually separating) it'd be permanent :/
i definitely agree. wtf do you guys think?? you can go off and screw around with other girls and we’ll just sit and be like “ok”. because that’s what a break is! b/c you "love" this girl...but need others. not for commitment and not for a real relationship... for a bj!!

[chiukit]

heh just to clarify things up.. not all guys are like that.
maybe in this case it is.. but some guys would actually want that break to determine whether or not he would want to stay by having some distance and a bit of clarity in mind.

[GrumpyBear]

Originally posted by chiukit@Jan 28 2005, 02:15 AM
heh just to clarify things up.. not all guys are like that.
maybe in this case it is.. but some guys would actually want that break to determine whether or not he would want to stay by having some distance and a bit of clarity in mind.
That's true, and I didn't mean for it to sound as if all guys are, apologies to anyone offended if it came off that way. I'd be less against a 'break' if it were specifically just taking some time away from each other, NOT dating others, etc. But in this case his specific issue is wanting new experiences with someone other than his girlfriend which leads me to believe a break would be for more than time for himself. So all I want to do is urge you [the original poster] to be honest with your present girlfriend no matter what you do.

[ittakessome]

Originally posted by chiukit@Jan 28 2005, 10:15 AM
heh just to clarify things up.. not all guys are like that.
maybe in this case it is.. but some guys would actually want that break to determine whether or not he would want to stay by having some distance and a bit of clarity in mind.
just wondering... if a guy was to do what you are describing..... would he still have to intimately experience other girls?

[jupiter]

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

People like you--people who have something so good they don't even know it and still want something "better" or different--really piss me off. And you're a selfish fucking bastard. You're with a girl two months--TWO MONTHS!--and you think it's a "long term" relationship. You know what I think? I think you're bored. I think you enjoy the new-found attention you're getting from these people and now think you have no more use for your current girlfriend.

Vain folly! Remorse! O Cruel Fate!

(Can you tell I've been reading classic literature?)

Listen, I'm going to criticize you as one who has been on the giving and receiving end of the idea of "I think I'm missing out--there's so much I want to and haven't experienced yet" syndrome. You wouldn't feel that way if you had any sort of "real" feelings for your significant other.

I bet you were the type of person who'd ditch one friend--a good friend--for another, cooler one, while you were in high school, huh?

And carrying a relationship? HA! Don't make me laugh, I might snort my milk.

The grass isn't greener.

The water ain't cooler.

The sky isn't bluer.

The sex ain't better.

I hope you find someone who rips your emotional heart out and tramples on it; it'll be good for you.

[Asphodelle13]

This reminds me of guys that want to have their cake and eat it too, ya know..

As tactless as jupiter was...I think he knows how to wax wisdom about relationships. Think twice before you throw away a good thing. But we can't know exactly how you feel. Maybe you're not ready to be committed. It certainly sounds that way to me if you'd even THINK about dating someone else behind your SO's back. Just be honest with her before you end up doing something stupid. The truth may set her free(which i dunno if its good or bad in your case), but she deserves to know everything.

[HungryHippo]

Errrmm...sounds like a few people have issues with guys,

Well anyway, if anyone is interested, I talked it over with my GF. We both felt that the reason I was feeling this was because she was not giving me what I needed from the relatioship, and I was not giving her what she needed,

I love her to bits, and she does me -- and I probably always will -- but although I thought it was what I wanted, in reality it was not.

We've now separated and we are both so upset about it, but I think it's for the best,

[newlysingle]

Originally posted by jupiter@Jan 29 2005, 05:37 AM
You've got to be fucking kidding me.

People like you--people who have something so good they don't even know it and still want something "better" or different--really piss me off. And you're a selfish fucking bastard. You're with a girl two months--TWO MONTHS!--and you think it's a "long term" relationship. You know what I think? I think you're bored. I think you enjoy the new-found attention you're getting from these people and now think you have no more use for your current girlfriend.

Vain folly! Remorse! O Cruel Fate!

(Can you tell I've been reading classic literature?)

Listen, I'm going to criticize you as one who has been on the giving and receiving end of the idea of "I think I'm missing out--there's so much I want to and haven't experienced yet" syndrome. You wouldn't feel that way if you had any sort of "real" feelings for your significant other.

I bet you were the type of person who'd ditch one friend--a good friend--for another, cooler one, while you were in high school, huh?

And carrying a relationship? HA! Don't make me laugh, I might snort my milk.

The grass isn't greener.

The water ain't cooler.

The sky isn't bluer.

The sex ain't better.

I hope you find someone who rips your emotional heart out and tramples on it; it'll be good for you.
very nice, very nice, exactly my thoughts :biggrin:

[chiukit]

Originally posted by ittakessome@Jan 29 2005, 01:16 AM
just wondering... if a guy was to do what you are describing..... would he still have to intimately experience other girls?
sorry it took so long to reply, didnt see your post.
anyway, would it require to 'intimately' experience other girls? by intimately i would assume you mean sex... and i would say no. to take a break to clear your mind to get to know yourself better about the relationship... it would be pointless to see another girl because that also clouds your judgment. if the girl is better, you start liking her just because she is. if the girl is worse, you start liking your girlfriend more because she's better. what's the point of that? it's retarded. by taking a break, you're supposed to have some space where nothing could influence you (but then again, that's just being ideal) except for friends who know you well, in my opinion. if i was to take a break with a girl, which i never have really, seeing another girl would be pointless and i'd rather much call it a breakup.

[*after8*]

Originally posted by HungryHippo@Jan 29 2005, 05:42 AM
Errrmm...sounds like a few people have issues with guys,

Well anyway, if anyone is interested, I talked it over with my GF. We both felt that the reason I was feeling this was because she was not giving me what I needed from the relatioship, and I was not giving her what she needed,

I love her to bits, and she does me -- and I probably always will -- but although I thought it was what I wanted, in reality it was not.

We've now separated and we are both so upset about it, but I think it's for the best,
..just for the record, it wouldn't be considered "love" if
a) youve only known her 2 months
B) youre wanting to see/experience other girls already
c) you arleady decided this "want" to be with other people is more important than her/your relationship.

but since this is your first "major" relationship, its understandable.


...it just bothers me when people throw out the "love" word to anything/antyhing/everyone.