A Girl in Need of Advice

[chicken-fried-stuffing]

Hello, I am a female teenager who is currently in a crush of sorts. I feel in a crush state when I first met the guy a couple months back, and my feelings increase as I get to know him better. We go to the same school, and we're in 5 out of 7 classes together, but we only bond in one or two of those aforementioned classes. I read the "Flirting" portion of the Relationship website, and I clearly do not attract him at all in that matter, which just confirms even further my suscipicions of a "let's just be friends" relationship. I confessed to the person-in-question a couple weeks back, but for some odd reason he thought I was confessing to him feelings for him in past tense, as in I liked him no more in that manner. Why? Because when I was confessing, I said, "I've had a crush on you since the beginning of the school year, since I first met you more or less." He only heard "had" apparently. ( I got this information from a trustworthy friend, btw.) Anyway, so now we're friends, bonding somewhat each day in and outside of class. I'm happy to be his friend, overjoyed as a matter of fact. However, I'm not quite sure what to do and/or how I should feel. I'm kind of sad that, "Yeah, he'll never really like me like that" and kind of delighted that, "I can get to know him better by being his friend." Please, someone give me advice on how I should continue on, how I should feel, etc. Thank you.

-michelle

[The Sage]

hi michelle, and firstly let me welcome you to therfs.com community! :D

it's a delicate situation, i can understand your concern. sometimes it's good to become good friends and then develop that into a 'better-than-friends' relationship over time. but you'll need to make sure it doesn't develop into a 'never-more-than-friends' type of contact.

flirting is good - use the tips and ideas in the flirting forum (or ask more questions) and see how it progresses. even for nothing else, you'll get to know him more the better friends you become.

and then on the other side of the coin - maybe you need to be more upfront. ask him out on a date or something else.

that's up to you - either taking the subtle route or direct approach. other members here have better advice than I can provide, so don't fret and you'll get some great help in the next few days.

once again, it's nice to see you join up and hope you stick around. hopefully you'll move on to the kissing and 'getting physical' forums later!! ;)

nate

[Gezus]

This is weird... First time I ever see a girl trying to get a guy and wanting to be more than friends. I agree with Sage, try flirting with him, he might flirt back, and then you can spark up a relationship. If he doesn't want you then you might as well stay friends, friends are always good.

[ittakessome]

Originally posted by Gezus@Dec 9 2004, 10:13 PM
This is weird... First time I ever see a girl trying to get a guy and wanting to be more than friends.
whoa...do you hang out with girls? heh, i think being around this board will help you learn something, gezus. we do it a lot. in fact, i went after my boyfriend. i tracked him down and began the whole "getting to know you" thing. then i basically asked him out after a month of dating.


chicken-fried-stuffing - i think you should ask him on a date or something like a date. where you two are alone. so you and him can have your time alone. i'd come right out and tell him my feelings, but that’s because i'm blunt and cant stand not telling a guy i like him. but i think it would be fun if you took the initiative.

[toychoke]

Like anything worth doing t it takes time. When you first develop a crush you can rarely just come out and say it. Often the other person is caught off guard by the statement, and doesn't know how to react. Mainly because maybe they've gotten used to the idea of just being friends and because of that aren't ready to make that transition on the spot. They stopped thinking that there was any potential there a while back.

Also don't take this to mean that he'll never be interested in you ever again. Dating is a weird thing. What doesn't appeal to you one week might very well change the next. Especially in High School were you're just beginning to figure yourself out. So just give it time. But by no means should you limit yourself, and dedicate yourself to this guy. If he wants friendship than friends it shall be.

I have this rule about dating. If at any point and time I express some feelings for someone and they reciprocate with "Let's just be friends," than that is what we shall be. I leave it up to them to make the next move, and only under extreme situations do I ever break that rule. I guess in a way it's a defense mechanism, but it is also a way to cut the ties before you become so drawn out over someone that there is no recourse other than to basically wish for that which can't come.

As an example, I just expressed some feelings to a girl I've been flirting with on and off again for two months. She said let's just be friends. In a weeks time I had already moved on, and was ironically dating her roommate. The two of us are still friends, and the roommate and I are in the beginning of a potential relationship. So basically don't let one person hold you back from what else is out there.

On another note, surrounding the usage of the word "HAD," do keep in mind that us guys tend to train ourselves to expect the worst in most cases. I've had my far share of romances, and my far share of utter disasters, as I'm sure most of us older people have. But if a girl is being stand offish, I tend to take it in the negative until something comes around to change that. It's basically after years of listening to girls; you tend to pick up on when they are truly interested and when they aren't. However, this perspective can screw the shy girls out. But for the most part in my experience when a girl is interested they make it a little more obvious. They tend to do specific things that stand out more than just being shy about how they feel. Especially around the dreaded expression of feelings moments you have to be stronger about how you feel, if you aren't than the worst is often accepted. I'm not exactly sure what went on, but he himself could have seen the word had as one of two things: Either a negative, in which you were solidifying your friendship with him by stopping any non-friend potential, or he isn't interested in you in that fashion and used it as an escape hatch.

Either way, continue building your friendship with him, and see how that goes. Some of the best relationships come from long time friends. After all when all the sex and kissing and making out is done. What else is there to a relationship other than just being really good friends?

This is weird... First time I ever see a girl trying to get a guy and wanting to be more than friends. I agree with Sage, try flirting with him, he might flirt back, and then you can spark up a relationship. If he doesn't want you then you might as well stay friends, friends are always good.

do remember that over 95% of the world is not right for any one person. We tend to have so many likes and dislikes that dating someone that really enjoys one of our dislikes becomes exhausting. And dating a girl or guy just because they show interest is incredibly pathetic. No Offense but it shows that you're more interested in just saying oh look someone will pay attention to me. You go with a person because they are someone that you'd like to get to know beyond that of friendship.

Every relationship has four main aspects to which people aspire to complete. Sexual, Physical, Mental, and Personality. If any one of these things doesn't work out it tends to through the whole relationship out of whack.

I mean if all you're really interested in is a girl because she has boobs, and you want to have sex with just any old girl, than what do you really have. You end up with a fuck buddy, and this rarely ever lasts. Not to mention is rarely as fulfilling as enjoying those same things with someone that you enjoy on a more developed level.

If all you have is an attraction to a persons mental level, and personality type than what do you have? They are nothing more than a friend. On this same level you have this attraction to people across the sexual barrier. Your friends are those that you choose to hang out with because your personalities and mental states work well together. It's why you don't see football jocks and video gamers becoming the best of friends. On a certain level you just aren't attracted to that kind of person.

So learn to develop a relationship beyond that of just chasing a girl or guy because she has a nice chest, or a great butt. Because you're only considering one or two aspects of what a real relationship is.

On a side note you'll also notice more members of the opposite sex pay attention to you when they don't think you'll just jump anyone. Especially girls, who want to feel like you weeded out many before them, and they were somehow more special than the rest. People in general like those that they care for, to think of them as superior to everyone else, even if they really aren't

[Intelx]

Screw him and do your own stuff. If he comes after you, then work on it. if he doesn't, then forget him.