Ryan Tiley
October 30th, 2004, 12:55 PM
I think that everything I now know about relationships with girls/women, was learned from experience. Bad experience. I think my history of flirting is characterised by a series of painful mistakes, and that my life now is haunted by a series of deep regrets.
If I'd known years ago what I know now, I would not have felt such pain and I would have had a lot more experience.
I wouldn't be surprised if others felt the same way.
Nowadays I'm doing much better, thankyou very much. However, I feel that I still know very little, and that the only way I will learn more is through more mistakes in the future, which I know will continue to cause me pain, but will be less and less painful the more I know.
I think it's very difficult to offer advice to people about how to relate to women, because some people just naturally find it very difficult and their best way to learn is by making a lot of mistakes.
However, perhaps it would be helpful if I tried to list some mistakes I have made in the past, starting with the biggest mistakes I have made.
1. If you suspect a girl might like you, then she probably does. Even if you're a nerd, and she's really cute (some girls, even the hot ones, like intelligent guys). My mistake was that I was always doubting whether girls liked me. I was very cynival. Do not put off asking her out until you get more and more evidence she likes you. She may stop liking you one day. Just ask her the first time you think there's even the most remote chance she likes you.
2. If a girl is always asking you to do things, and you are doing them, then re-consider the position. She doesn't like you, she is using you. Stop doing things for her. Don't confide in somebody you think may be using you.
3. Do not rely too heavily on advice from friends, especially female friends, about whether you have a chance with a girl. They don't know the girl's innermost feelings. You have a much better chance of getting an accurate idea by decoding the girl's body language than asking her or your friends.
4. Do not be worried about what you are going to do on your first date, or when you become girlfriend and boyfriend, before you have even asked a girl out. Don't think about your future together. Think a few days in advance only. Don't over-plan things. When you are young, you may not have a car or you may be living with your parents. Don't use these as an excuse not to ask her out. Think about those problems when they become relevant.
5. Avoid talking about yourself too much when talking to a girl. In fact, avoid volunteering information unless she asks you, otherwise you may be giving her information she's not interested instead. Ask her about her life instead. Boring people tell girls all about their life without being asked.
This post wouldn't be complete without mentioning that I have a long way to go, and I have a bad track record even now. I am naturally uncomfortable with all of this - I think it is part of my personality. I am prone to 'uncomfortable silence' moments, missing obvious opportunities, etc. I am only now realising that learning from harsh criticism - being realistic and being humble - is a slightly faster way to learn. If you ask for advice and somebody gives you really harsh sounding advice, try to realise that it is better for you to hear it, and gain that perspective, than not to hear it, and struggle on for longer. I will.
If I'd known years ago what I know now, I would not have felt such pain and I would have had a lot more experience.
I wouldn't be surprised if others felt the same way.
Nowadays I'm doing much better, thankyou very much. However, I feel that I still know very little, and that the only way I will learn more is through more mistakes in the future, which I know will continue to cause me pain, but will be less and less painful the more I know.
I think it's very difficult to offer advice to people about how to relate to women, because some people just naturally find it very difficult and their best way to learn is by making a lot of mistakes.
However, perhaps it would be helpful if I tried to list some mistakes I have made in the past, starting with the biggest mistakes I have made.
1. If you suspect a girl might like you, then she probably does. Even if you're a nerd, and she's really cute (some girls, even the hot ones, like intelligent guys). My mistake was that I was always doubting whether girls liked me. I was very cynival. Do not put off asking her out until you get more and more evidence she likes you. She may stop liking you one day. Just ask her the first time you think there's even the most remote chance she likes you.
2. If a girl is always asking you to do things, and you are doing them, then re-consider the position. She doesn't like you, she is using you. Stop doing things for her. Don't confide in somebody you think may be using you.
3. Do not rely too heavily on advice from friends, especially female friends, about whether you have a chance with a girl. They don't know the girl's innermost feelings. You have a much better chance of getting an accurate idea by decoding the girl's body language than asking her or your friends.
4. Do not be worried about what you are going to do on your first date, or when you become girlfriend and boyfriend, before you have even asked a girl out. Don't think about your future together. Think a few days in advance only. Don't over-plan things. When you are young, you may not have a car or you may be living with your parents. Don't use these as an excuse not to ask her out. Think about those problems when they become relevant.
5. Avoid talking about yourself too much when talking to a girl. In fact, avoid volunteering information unless she asks you, otherwise you may be giving her information she's not interested instead. Ask her about her life instead. Boring people tell girls all about their life without being asked.
This post wouldn't be complete without mentioning that I have a long way to go, and I have a bad track record even now. I am naturally uncomfortable with all of this - I think it is part of my personality. I am prone to 'uncomfortable silence' moments, missing obvious opportunities, etc. I am only now realising that learning from harsh criticism - being realistic and being humble - is a slightly faster way to learn. If you ask for advice and somebody gives you really harsh sounding advice, try to realise that it is better for you to hear it, and gain that perspective, than not to hear it, and struggle on for longer. I will.