Wish You Were Here

[JHXMT]

I originally wrote this piece about a year ago (possibly more), but it's undergone several revisions since then and I'd appreciate any feedback on it. Thanks in advance.

Wish You Were Here

Dry rains of dust outside,
Brushing cheeks, nose, eyes.
Beyond the mouth of the earth
Shine a million fading stars
That sparkle and die in moments.
Ten billion years of growth,
Of ever-stretching life,
Eaten alive by the sand beyond my doorway.
Cracking knuckles reach up,
Move hair from eyes one last time
Before raising their own cloud of dust
From the solitude-stained floor.
Vision fades from the shoulder
To the elbow and wrist.
The palm, the joints,
The four-fingered figure of a broken god
And the postcard: "Wish You Were Here?"

[Asphodelle13]

The imagery is lovely..I think that's what is most prevalent in the poem. For a fairly short poem it was good..It left me wanting more though. I think if you'd want to improve on anything maybe cut back on the imagery(which is rather heavy, but nice, and I have a tendency to do the same) or add to the mood(or emotion) you want to convey..like when you spoke of solitude. Good work, keep writing. :cool2:

[JHXMT]

Thankee, the feedback is much appreciated. :biggrin: Yes, I do have a tendency to perhaps be a little heavy-handed with imagery...I'll have to work on that.

I may have to rewrite the rewrite, hehe. :laugh:

Thanks again.