[parents, children] Favorism with the grandkids.

[Sal]

:shifty: I am 31 and have a partner and 3 lovely boys. I am a stay home mum till our youngest starts school, so we don't have much, but we manage.
I have an extended family that includes my dad, my stepmum, a brother, his wife and their two kids.
My problem is that my dad and stepmum are favouring my brother's kids over mine and it is really hurting me. They wouldn't babysit our kids when they were younger "because we don't babysit kids wearing nappies", but they do babysit my brother's kids and their baby definitely wears nappies! My brother and his wife both work and so their kids are in daycare all week, and they have a flash car, their own house, etc.
They all act really snotty towards us, and I hate it when we all get together because I know I'm going to go home with a severe case of inferiority! My brother and his wife get invited to my dad's and stepmum's for tea when relations call in, presumably because their kids are "good". I know this is my stepmum's doing and my dad just goes along with everything.
I had to write on here because I feel like I am going to explode! If I try and talk to them, they do the "brush off" and crack the shits.
Does anyone have any advice before I go mad?

[ProstheticMind]

Talk to your dad, alone, when your stepmother isn't around, and tell him how you feel. See if you can work something out with him. If not, well.. then unfortunately, you may just have to accept the fact that some people have supeority complexes, and find someone else to babysit your kids. If they don't treat you well, then limit your time with them. It's as simple as that.

[Nurseman]

First off welcome to the forums. I hope we hear a lot more from you.

I can relate to your situation very well. Except, rather than my kids, its me that my family treats poorly. My Mother had zero respect for me and worshiped the ground my brother walked on. I also remember a girlfriend that gave up her job (and most of what was her life) to care for her parents when they became ill. She actually moved into their house to keep them from having to go into a Nursing Home. Yet when they died, they left her compleatly out of the will, and (get this) the children, who had had NOTHING to do with the old farts, gave her TWO WEEKS to pack her stuff and get out of "their" house.


Your situation isn't unique. Although most people deny it (to their credit) parents DO have "favorites". I wish it were otherwise but you can't MAKE your parents like your kids. Nobody can. The only suggestion I can think of is to explore other relationships; your partner's parents, for instance.

For what its worth, your Dad and Stepmom (Sorry, I'm an American and don't speak English very well) are the bigger loosers in this. Even though they may not be aware of it. After all, they will lose their Grandchildren's love. Thats sad.

[Sal]

:biggrin: Thankyou both, Prosthetic and Nurseman. You both gave me some insight as to what some families are like, and I guess I have to accept that mine isn't that good! I just really yearn for the way I was brought up, and I want my kids to enjoy that too. On birthdays, all my relations would come to our house and it was great. Now we are lucky if anyone apart from my Dad and stepmum call in for 10 minutes on our birthdays!
Unfortunately my partner's parents are both dead, and the bulk of his family lives 500 kilometres away. He does have some brothers living close to us and the boys love to play with them, but more often than not they come around drunk, which I HATE! It doesn't set a very good example!
That is just terrible about your family and your girlfriend's family, Nurseman. I am quite appalled that such a horrid thing could happen to both of you.
My brother was my mum's favourite, and now he's my stepmum's. My stepmum has her own family and she doesn't like any of us! At funerals for our family she doesn't talk to anyone and disappears outside!
My boys are great, but being boys they are loud! They are brainy and healthy so I couldn't ask for anything more, I just wish they could be appreciated more by their grandparents!

[kuju]

sadly, I relate to your children. Every since my mother's mother died, my grandfather has gone completely crazy. He REFUSES to see us, especially one of my brothers, and constantly tries to convince my mom to cut us off, sell her house and go live with him. He has a whole lot of money saved up, and is SO SCARED that when he dies the three of us might get even a penny. So he's made all these provisions that if my mom was to die before he does (heaven forbid) we wouldn't get a cent. I don't really care about that much, but my mother goes to see him every week and puts up with a (literally) psychotic old man who basically mind-tortures her for two hours. She put up with severe physical, emotional and mental abuse from him as a child. She so fucking deserves that money when he dies... and frankly, we all hope it's soon.


but yeah, grandparents who don't like their grandchildren? I'm all over it.

[Sal]

Hello Kuju,
I was sorry to read about the trouble you and your family are getting from your Grandfather. Do you think he might be depressed after losing his wife? But still that is no excuse for his behaviour.
I know my dad loves his grandkids, but I think its just my stepmother who can't handle them. My eldest son has a severe hearing loss stemming from a neurological disorder, and I also have a hearing loss. We did a course together last year on sign language but I don't know why she did it because she hardly puts any effort into signing to him. She always would say she couldn't communicate with him. Doesn't make much sense does it!
Thankyou for writing to me!

[kuju]

While i TOTALLY agree that your step-mom should make an effort with your son, bitch or not, step-parents often have trouble connecting with their step-chrildren and grandchildren, especially if theses children are grown up. I mean, she could be simply not putting in the effort, or she could not care, or she could be trying to hard... being a "step" is difficult.

That said, I can barely stand my OWN step-mother who put in waaaay too much of an effort with me. She didn't let me get to know her before she wanted to be my best friend, and since I'm automatically on the side of my real mother (who takes care of me) I felt that she was threatening my mom. (she is also one of the most annoying people I know) I also feel that she's pulling my dad away from us, HIS children, and latching him onto her children and grandchildren. Similar to how your step-mom is latching your dad to your siblings and their families.

Sadly, I have no advice for you, because I don't even know how to handle my own situation. All I can say is that I've learned to live with it. I've distanced myself from that family and see them only a few times a year, though I see my dad a little more often. But you, it would seem, are still in the position where you WANT to be with them, and that's why it hurts.

I'm really sorry I can't give much useful advice on your problem... other than what I've done which is distancing myself, but I don't that works unless it's something that you want on a certain level.

[Sal]

Hi Kuju,
It doesn't matter if you can't advise me, it just gives me comfort to know that I am not alone. I think limiting contact is definitely the way to go, not that I have much to do with them now anyway. I am sick of feeling inferior!!
Regarding my stepmum, I think the thing is that she just doesn't care. She never made any effort with me, in the early days of her marriage to my dad, when I was still living at home, she would carry on for no reason and so I fled after a while and moved in with my boyfriend.
Even when I have had major crisises in my life I could never go back home. She wouldn't let me!!
Her daughter died a year and a half ago and after that there was some major unthawing on her part, but that didn't last.
So I guess I will just not see them anymore, get on with my life, and be happy!!