Our Relationship Post Mortem (A Villanelle)

[cassicat]

I wish you'd been the one to leave instead
Of being the one to fill the empty space.
I wish you hadn't heard the things I said.

You used to kiss me until my lips bled.
I set my heart to love at the same pace.
I wish you'd been the one to leace instead.

I didn't hear the music in your head.
I thought that we would live, love, and replace.
I wish you hadn't heard the things I said.

You said you saw my lips in roses red.
I threw the flowers out and kept the vase.
I wish you'd been the one to leave instead.

I threw the ring. It fell behind the bed.
I thought your tears were grossly out of place.
I wish you hadn't heard the things I said.

Those last minutes before I turned and fled.
You watched me pack with such a shattered face.
I wish you'd been the one to leave instead.
I wish you hadn't heard the things I said.

[cassicat]

as a side note, if you aren't familiar with a villanelle, it's a type of sonnet. The whole thing is in iambic pentameter and the rhyme scheme has to be

AbA, abA, abA, abA, abA, abAA

I don't usually write technical poetry, which is why I wanted some feed back. I think I lost some meaning in the technicalities.

[Randomdistortion]

I'm not very familiar with "structured" poetry, but it rhymes and flows well. Your choice of refrain makes a major impact. All in all, I think its a great work - I can't come up with any real criticisms at all.

[TootsiePops]

Wow. That's all I really have to say. I mean, you read tons of poetry on here thats absolutely horrid and completely lacking thought or emotion... and they get praised for it. You're poem is the best peice of artistry I've seen on this entire website. I mean, most of the people write with words instead of emotions and they call it art. I mean, you wouldn't paint with black and call it yellow would you?

Good work

I hope to see more of it in the future

[JHXMT]

I thought that was absolutely brilliant.

Though I was thrown out because I always pronounce "vase" with elongated vowels i.e "varrs". :lol: But I did a double-take when I did that, and the whole thing goes very well.

Damn my mental accent. :P