past dark

[pandoragoddess]

i have removed myself from nights:
nothing before seven central standard time
because it's december and because you are burning
and because the only moment i can see your glow
is after the dark has progressed, has enveloped earth
with its fat square palms cold blooded velocity
bitter star chasing recollection era
and its face a shadow of the moon pumping
itself into a sphere, waxing and waning
following the tide like a trail of stars
with their glimmers bringing up the rear
of some unencumbered parade: i feel there is
nothing i can do or say to change your mind now
nothing i can make believe inside these walls
either you'll love me
or you won't
you love me
or you don't

[Truth]

Pandoragoddess


your poem is good .. but I think your poem would read better if you segmented out the lines more. I read it, but it was not hard for me to read but it was not an easy read. Also, try to limit to usage of "and because", seems you use it alot and it breaks the flow of reading in the poem...

just one last thing


you are burning
and because the only moment i can see your glow
is after the dark has progressed, has enveloped earth
with its fat square palms cold blooded velocity

this is a good line in the poem, however the bolded part did not make that much sense to if it is read. Of course it made sense to me, but if someone was reading it, they will ask, what has enveloped earth....??? because, you place the line "is after the dark has progressed" then you break it with a comma and placed "has enveloped "...This breaks the fuidity of this peice. You may want to re-look at that. I suggest that removing the comma and the word "has" and placing the word "and" or comma "the darkness" has or something that joins the two lines together better....will make that phrase sound better...

sorry, i just want to help..I hope i did not dismantle your poem to much.. :mrgreen:

[FireFly]

Your poem is cryptic to an extent that maybe you'll only understand it, some lines are sweet and some are sad which is good from a writers point of view. However from a readers point of view it's hard to understand. That doesn't matter if you only wrote the poem for you.

This is what I got out of your poem:
The glow represents the person's 'self' and you miss them, and they aren't there so you don't want to be reminded of them, which happens most at night when you see their glow...

If i'm absolutely wrong then oh well, but hey I tried :)

[Barefoot Matt]

I love it! It's very moving, and it has an interesting feel to it, somehow whimsical and emotional at the same time. I have one suggestion. In the following two lines:
and its face a shadow of the moon pumping
itself into a sphere, waxing and waning
Move "pumping" onto the next line, it will make the break more natural.

That thing truth mentioned with the dark, don't change it. It makes perfect sense the way it is.

By the way, despite the amount of emotion I felt coming through the poem, which is good, I really have no idea what it's about after first reading (although firefly's explanation sounds feasible).